RE: Doms' Unhappiness (Full Version)

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catize -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 6:50:11 AM)

quote:

 I believe it's more or less a post of "How come I always get to be the person who's unhappy? When is it ever YOUR turn (said to the dominant). 


Ah, I see!
I got into ‘this’ because of my masochism and discovered submission along the way. 
Yeah, I’ve mentally kicked the wall and muttered about the unfairness of ~things~ myself.  Acceptance has not always been easy, but my inner struggles have made me a better submissive.  Sometimes it is not what I want, but it sure is what I need!



ehlovindom -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 6:50:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Generally speaking, do you Doms ever become unhappy over a decision you made? It seems to me that as the one that gets to be in charge and make all the decisions - whether your sub likes it or not - you wouldn't be unhappy because you could simply choose to only make decisions that give you pleasure and the relationship is all about your pleasure, right?
 
I'm just curious; as a sub-for-life, I don't know what that's like. Even as a mother - unless it's over something lifethreatening - I always consider my children's feelings before making a decision.
 
Or do I have it all wrong?

If the relationship was only about my pleasure then I could end up with an extremely unahppy sub. Why would it be any different for you in sub-life than with your children. You write that you always consider your chirldren's feeling's before making a decision. Sometimes, you are forced to make a decision for them because it is in their best interests. Wouldn't a Dom consider what impact his decision could have on his sub before making that decision?

Or do I have it all wrong?



RavenMuse -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 8:23:39 AM)

I may choose to consider what she thinks as part of a decision. It depends on wether I think that peice of information is relevant to the decision. If I don't, I won't!

For instance, she has a health issue which I am now responcible for. There are certain things that means Me taking into account... I don't CARE what she thinks about the resulting decision, she KNOWS I will enforce the decision I consider best for her health wether she likes it or not.



Redoubt -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 9:14:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

. And I ask, yet again, to PLEASE be able to JUST THIS ONCE...be allowed to masturbate (read that sentence with a whiney voice...it's more appropriate)...

And he laughs and laughs and laughs...
and then stops laughing
and says no.


This is why it's worth the effort [:D] Thanks for the smile juliet

If you don't make mistakes, you're not doing anything... more precisely you're not exploring and growing within yourself. I think some submissives would love to have super-Doms that never err and are perfect (and look good in Tights?) but any time we get our image that built up, and start believing it ourselves, the mistakes still happen, but they tend to end up being O-Shit mistakes instead of "D'oh" mistakes.

I'd rather do 100 different things mediocrely than only 3 things perfectly. I'd still strive for perfection in the areas I enjoyed, but if the task was beyond me doing better than simply adequately, I'd recognize that limitation, but still keep it in my Toolkit(tm)

I just dont think I could handle being a 3 trick pony-Dom (buttplug tail not included, some assembly required) - one who has an exceptional talent for a few types of play and seldom anything else. I would rather explore and try new things, and if I realize my limitations and proceed carefully I will, more often than not, get the desired result - if not 100% pretty and efficient (Are the bolt cutters still in the shed, honey?). Imagine a Shibari master who sucked badly at every other type of play and therefore refused to do anything else - yes its beautiful, but for how long before becoming stale or leaving one unfulfilled?

Am I disappointed in myself when I make a mistake, absolutely... will it stop me from trying again... hell no.

The same goes for decisions you make in a relationship, if you want to keep that relationship safe and sterile, don't deviate from what you've established works. Why rock the boat if you're in it, right?
Wrong. If you don't rock the boat, you end up staring at each other in the middle of a lake for an eternity... and you'll probably smell of fish.

I've been guilty of that (not the fish part), and eventually you have to either leave the boat or convince your partner to paddle with you if you want to get anywhere... on the way, you're going to make mistakes... you live, you learn, you keep moving on. Every once in a while, you may find an idyllic spot to rest in for a while... stay as long as you like, but never stop challenging whether or not everything is as good as it can be. After all, once you've found a place its much easier to return there than in was to find it.

Basic human nature, if we stagnate, we start dying and thats what I believe may be happening to Doms who are unhappy.





breatheasone -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 9:18:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

Is it scary to be a Dom in charge of other people's lives, and have sole responsibility for the welfare of all?  It must be hard to make a decision and then see it go wrong, and know you made the error.

I'm probably not expressing this as well as I'd like.  I just feel, well, almost sorry for Dom/mes sometimes - they have to make all the big decisions, all the choices, and then during play the sub can relax and let go and have total fun, while the Dom is working and watching and monitoring her condition and still responsible the whole time.

Boy do subs get the best of the deal.

Yeah i'm sorry...i just respectfully disagree with you hun...



BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 9:21:27 AM)

quote:

...sometimes, happiness is deferred in relation to the larger lesson learned...


Great way of putting it! Is something I knew, just needed reminded.

As for why I started the post, I suppose there was a bit of "gee, this sux, to do this or that when it makes me miserable and it's only because of a whim on his part!" to it but I also genuinely wanted to know, too; thought it must be grand to make all the decisions cuz one could keep one's self happy by deciding stuff as one pleases. Boy, has this post been an eye-opener!

On another subject, why DO Doms disallow masturbating and/or coming? And for sooo long; is there an actual reason having to do with the betterment of the sub or the relationship? *is glad made "orgasm denial" a ROCK HARD Limit*



julietsierra -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 11:05:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

On another subject, why DO Doms disallow masturbating and/or coming? And for sooo long; is there an actual reason having to do with the betterment of the sub or the relationship? *is glad made "orgasm denial" a ROCK HARD Limit*


I laughed so hard when I read this...and am laughing even now as I type this response.

Here's the thing. Do you honestly believe it's been five years since I've reached orgasm? If that was the case he'd be a dead Dominant or I'd be insane. More than likely though, we wouldn't be together, cause I DO love that part of our relationship.

I'll give you an analogy to help explain what he does and what it does for me. Yes, he prohibits masturbation. Yes, he's prohibited it from nearly the moment we met. And yes, I've accepted this rule and alternately rued it's existence or embraced it wholeheartedly - depending on my mood, and my overall need for sex. (I did say SEX didn't I?)

Ok...You know those really really hot days of summer? The ones where either you stay in front of a fan or you plan to be on or near water or in a mall or SOMETHING - just to get out of the heat? And you know how thirsty you get on those kinds of days? Well, sometimes when days like that happen, you'd almost sell your soul for a bottle or glass of crisp clear, cold water - the more ice the better - yes? And that first sip - you can feel it as the water slides down your throat to your stomach. Your entire body kind of relaxes into that first sip of water. The water after that first sip is also wonderful, but there's something about that first sip that's pretty darn close to ecstacy.

That's how it is when he withholds masturbation. He merely touches me and I'm off and running. There are times I'm practically in tears from the pleasure - and that's BEFORE I reach orgasm. The orgasms themselves are beyond anything I've ever felt before. We don't live together and this process makes me hungry to the point of starving for him every single moment of every single day and there is no respite except when I see him. But when I do see him, the unmitigated joy that I feel in just being next to him - even if he hasn't touched me, leaves me trembling and fidgety and .... wet. I have this taste in my mouth not unlike what you may experience before your favorite meal that you haven't had in months. It is all-encompassing and involves my mind, every nerve ending in my body and all of my five senses. He absolutely fills me with himself long before he even has me undress - and the feeling lasts and lasts and lasts.

When I'm starving and I don't see him, my begging and pleading, even when I know what his answer will be, is me trying any way I can to have some semblence of that feeling even though he's not around. But he knows that that's not possible. And I know that that's not possible. I just keep on trying though. He knows that it's as much about me being with him as it is me simply reaching orgasm. In fact, if I do reach orgasm and it's not with him, the entire feeling is much less intense. I crave intensity. He loves the effect of that intensity, both on me and on him. So, he leads me, pushes me, pulls me, entices me, and withholds from me in order that I may reach that point.

So, while I crave the orgasm, while I beg and plead for the orgasm, while I try my best to convince him to allow it... he knows the better route and makes sure I stay on the right road. And I love him all the more for it. I am pleased every single time I don't get what I want, and I'm grateful he didn't cave to my manipulation.

On his part, he absolutely loves the desperate sound of my voice when I ask him. He loves the knowledge that with one word (No), he can make my life a living hell for a bit, and with one touch, he can send me to heaven. Why in the world wouldn't he like this?

juliet



adoracat -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 11:13:42 AM)

miss juliet.....

YES!  exactly that.  Sir allows me to self-pleasure....but without his voice telling me i can cum, i have a great deal of difficulty.  so, why bother, when i know his hands in pain or pleasure will be better than any effort i can make?

and just thinking of his voice whispering "now" in my ear makes me want to purr....

kitten, who thinks two weeks is too damned long...



MasterJBK -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 11:28:04 AM)

you express it just right. it is sad when i make a decision and it goes all wrong. but then you have to not allow that to depress you in any way or it will make the whole house sad. doms have to show strength. that is the belief of most submissives that i have come across. but it is true that doms have weaknesses to. and give in to those weaknesses.

but back to the question, i have to have an outer shell where i show happiness and strength most of the time. But really i am scared shitless that i am going to screw up someones life. most dom's may booster that they are not afriad but deep down they are. they are afriad of hurting someone else to an extreme.

now i am talking about my personal beliefs and fears. not anyone else's. so if you respond to my post saying doms aren't afraid. you are a moron. the truth behind dom's is that they are afriad to admit that they are afraid sometimes. afraid they might lose the ones they love. that is one reason why some doms are dominant they like having control over the ones they love. so the ones they love are not hurt in any way by them or anyone else.

but again it is hard for some doms to admit that they fear losing something in their life. but i am just saying what is not posted on my outershell i am talking from my heart.



BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 11:28:33 AM)

WOW! Before my Dom and I got together, he told me about 'orgasm delayment' and he did try it but it never had that result...my body is such that it just doesn't sustain desire long, even going frigid if it's been too long. He had me drinking 12 cups of h20/day so I's pee a lot 'n when I peed, I was to masturbate just short of orgasm, the point being that by the end of the day, I'd be climbing the walls with desire. Never happened that way; 30 minutes later, I'd be back to where I'd started at the beginning. And once we didn't have sex or play for two weeks. Result? 'Twas incredibly hard to get back in the mood.

Why does it work out that way for me, do you think? Could it be that the responsibilities of life don't allow for constant heat? Or has my body just learned to say "Forget that! If there's to be no fulfillment, why be tortured with desire?!" (guess it's not much of a masochist).

As for YOUR post, I'd figured you'd orgasmed in 5 years, you just weren't allowed to via masturbation...



mmb1 -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 11:45:30 AM)

very nicely said MasterJBK :)



Cyntilating -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 12:08:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

On another subject, why DO Doms disallow masturbating and/or coming? And for sooo long; is there an actual reason having to do with the betterment of the sub or the relationship? *is glad made "orgasm denial" a ROCK HARD Limit*


I laughed so hard when I read this...and am laughing even now as I type this response.

Here's the thing. Do you honestly believe it's been five years since I've reached orgasm? If that was the case he'd be a dead Dominant or I'd be insane. More than likely though, we wouldn't be together, cause I DO love that part of our relationship.

I'll give you an analogy to help explain what he does and what it does for me. Yes, he prohibits masturbation. Yes, he's prohibited it from nearly the moment we met. And yes, I've accepted this rule and alternately rued it's existence or embraced it wholeheartedly - depending on my mood, and my overall need for sex. (I did say SEX didn't I?)

Ok...You know those really really hot days of summer? The ones where either you stay in front of a fan or you plan to be on or near water or in a mall or SOMETHING - just to get out of the heat? And you know how thirsty you get on those kinds of days? Well, sometimes when days like that happen, you'd almost sell your soul for a bottle or glass of crisp clear, cold water - the more ice the better - yes? And that first sip - you can feel it as the water slides down your throat to your stomach. Your entire body kind of relaxes into that first sip of water. The water after that first sip is also wonderful, but there's something about that first sip that's pretty darn close to ecstacy.

That's how it is when he withholds masturbation. He merely touches me and I'm off and running. There are times I'm practically in tears from the pleasure - and that's BEFORE I reach orgasm. The orgasms themselves are beyond anything I've ever felt before. We don't live together and this process makes me hungry to the point of starving for him every single moment of every single day and there is no respite except when I see him. But when I do see him, the unmitigated joy that I feel in just being next to him - even if he hasn't touched me, leaves me trembling and fidgety and .... wet. I have this taste in my mouth not unlike what you may experience before your favorite meal that you haven't had in months. It is all-encompassing and involves my mind, every nerve ending in my body and all of my five senses. He absolutely fills me with himself long before he even has me undress - and the feeling lasts and lasts and lasts.

When I'm starving and I don't see him, my begging and pleading, even when I know what his answer will be, is me trying any way I can to have some semblence of that feeling even though he's not around. But he knows that that's not possible. And I know that that's not possible. I just keep on trying though. He knows that it's as much about me being with him as it is me simply reaching orgasm. In fact, if I do reach orgasm and it's not with him, the entire feeling is much less intense. I crave intensity. He loves the effect of that intensity, both on me and on him. So, he leads me, pushes me, pulls me, entices me, and withholds from me in order that I may reach that point.

So, while I crave the orgasm, while I beg and plead for the orgasm, while I try my best to convince him to allow it... he knows the better route and makes sure I stay on the right road. And I love him all the more for it. I am pleased every single time I don't get what I want, and I'm grateful he didn't cave to my manipulation.

On his part, he absolutely loves the desperate sound of my voice when I ask him. He loves the knowledge that with one word (No), he can make my life a living hell for a bit, and with one touch, he can send me to heaven. Why in the world wouldn't he like this?

juliet


uhmmm...coff..sigh....uhm....yess!  well said ...and great explanation....and uhmm......having read that about 5 times.....now Im going to go have a cigarette ( and I dont even smoke ! ) and go make a phone call [:D] weg 
 



BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 12:30:57 PM)

'Course, it could also be the fact that I've only cum once with him -- and it's me, not him; very very rare is it that I orgasm except when alone, doing it myself. Orgasm delayment like that would = orgasm denial... *wishes was more orgasmic*



julietsierra -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 12:43:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

...my body is such that it just doesn't sustain desire long, even going frigid if it's been too long. He had me drinking 12 cups of h20/day so I's pee a lot 'n when I peed, I was to masturbate just short of orgasm, the point being that by the end of the day, I'd be climbing the walls with desire. Never happened that way; 30 minutes later, I'd be back to where I'd started at the beginning. And once we didn't have sex or play for two weeks. Result? 'Twas incredibly hard to get back in the mood.

Why does it work out that way for me, do you think? Could it be that the responsibilities of life don't allow for constant heat? Or has my body just learned to say "Forget that! If there's to be no fulfillment, why be tortured with desire?!" (guess it's not much of a masochist).

As for YOUR post, I'd figured you'd orgasmed in 5 years, you just weren't allowed to via masturbation...


I've had people attempt that with me before. The result for me was much the same as it is for you. That whole, have herself get her to the edge and stop - over and over again throughout the day - just pisses me off. By the time I would see that person, I'd just want to say forget the entire thing! So that never worked for me at all.

I think maybe it has to do with who you're with and what your committment to that person is. I'm not putting your relationship with your Master down at all! I'm simply contemplating this as I write. The entire relationship I have with my Master is so radically different from any other relationship I've ever had that I think part of my reaction must be because of that difference.

I spent two years after I met my Master the first time, looking for him at places I would go to. I would watch the door hoping I'd someday have another chance to meet him. I certainly lived my life during those two years, go to know people, dated, etc.. but I still always watched the doors. Two years later, my fondest hopes were realized. We met again at an event. Turns out he'd been hoping we'd meet again as well.

From the very first moment I met him - both the first and the second time - I've been beside myself with desire for him. I have never had this happen to me and I'd never have believed it was possible, but it really IS possible and I live it daily.

I always laugh when the old Warner Brothers cartoons come on television, cause there's one with the big dog and the little dog, and the little dog idolizes the big one. He practically falls over himself to do just what the big dog says. He is giddy with pleasure at just being next to the big dog. I always watch that and think "that's me - right there. I'm the little dog when it comes to how I feel about my Master." And no matter how things are between us, it always always comes back to "he said it. I'm doing it." for me.

So, when I see him, I spend a lot of energy being calm and in control of my self, cause what I really want to do is be the little dog - and just be giddy with pleasure that he's with me again. And I think that, in part, is what feeds my reaction when he touches me.

juliet



adoracat -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 12:49:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

WOW! Before my Dom and I got together, he told me about 'orgasm delayment' and he did try it but it never had that result...my body is such that it just doesn't sustain desire long, even going frigid if it's been too long. He had me drinking 12 cups of h20/day so I's pee a lot 'n when I peed, I was to masturbate just short of orgasm, the point being that by the end of the day, I'd be climbing the walls with desire. Never happened that way; 30 minutes later, I'd be back to where I'd started at the beginning. And once we didn't have sex or play for two weeks. Result? 'Twas incredibly hard to get back in the mood.

Why does it work out that way for me, do you think? Could it be that the responsibilities of life don't allow for constant heat? Or has my body just learned to say "Forget that! If there's to be no fulfillment, why be tortured with desire?!" (guess it's not much of a masochist).

As for YOUR post, I'd figured you'd orgasmed in 5 years, you just weren't allowed to via masturbation...


everyone's libido is different.  i'm ready most of the time.  and when Sir is here, it takes nearly nothing to cum for him....before i got conditioned by him, i could masturbate to orgasm in less than 2 minutes.

my husband, on the other hand, has a slow libido.  once a week or less when we were still intimate.  (we're polyamorous, and he has a g/f.)  so we were always a mismatch in that area.

kitten, who hasnt seen Sir in over a week now....



BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 1:06:58 PM)

Awesome! I do love my Master - more than I've ever loved anyone - and I get "giddy" in his presence, just not sexually crazy.

*thinx* Actually, I think a LOT of this may have to do w/my ex. Towards the end, I hated him so much and sex was nothing more than a chore, a chore that I hated more than I thought it possible to hate sex. Got to the point where I didn't even want to masturbate. To be honest, I thought I'd completely lost my libido. Perhaps it is too much to expect to go from one end of the spectrum to the other...



PAcpllooking -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 2:10:16 PM)

Yes I have regretted some decisions I made. yes its tough being a Dom, mainly because there are few we can go to to vent or just get stuff off our chests or talk about screw ups. We have the need to always show our strong side and in fact it may be possible to lose the trust of a sub if we would show weakness. As in, Gee if he cant handle himself how can he handle my life too?
When I am making a decision there are a multitude of things that I have to consider, not the least of which is what it will do to my sub long or short term and what I am trying to accomplish with her.

William



breatheasone -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 2:15:17 PM)

I suppose i'm very fortunate...my Master doesn't have to ALWAYS be right and strong just always Master...and He does that effortlessly....also i am His soft place to land, and vent to....even if its me He's venting about...



Bleys -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 3:45:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

On another subject, why DO Doms disallow masturbating and/or coming? And for sooo long; is there an actual reason having to do with the betterment of the sub or the relationship? *is glad made "orgasm denial" a ROCK HARD Limit*


Think about it like this:  masturbating is something you do yourself, for yourself, by yourself.  So if you think of it as self-pleasure, by definition it excludes the Dom. Going on the premise that a sub should never exclude their Dom, there's one reason.  Another reason is that to build up, deny, build again, deny again, often (not always) makes the orgasm that much more intense when allowed.  A third reason is that it's an aspect of his/her sub's body reactions they can control - one of relatively few, if you think about it.

It's also fun to listen to her beg for release, but that's just me.

B



BDsbabygirl -> RE: Doms' Unhappiness (8/18/2007 4:14:56 PM)

Thanx, Bleys. *sigh* It is sounding more and more like something I'd want to do for my Daddy, I just can't foresee it happening for the reasons already listed -- (1) denying myself orgasm doesn't cause it to build; my body just goes right back to where it started and all that's accomplished is that I'm - like juliet used to get - pissed off (2) If I don't masturbate, then I never get off -- my body's so used to cuming in one specific way that if it's attempted in any other, it fails...well, make that 2 ways, but my Dom ain't into eatin' pussy for an hour.

And for the record, I have - thru action - tried to teach (show? is that more respectful?) him how to get me off thru manual stimulation but it just doesn't work -- his hand doesn't have the same weight, pressure, speed, etc. etc. (no matter how hard we try) as mine...heck, I've trained my body to come so well that way (25+ yrs' of practice!) that even I can't get myself off any other way, toys be damned.

Lest I give the impression that I don't enjoy sex with him, I'll add this -- I love it immensely and can't get enough, just can't make the hurdle into OrgasmLand...



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