Vanilla relationships before D/s? (Full Version)

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ReynardM -> Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 3:28:11 PM)

I'm curious: for those of you who are in, or have been in a D/s relationship, how many vanilla partners did you have before your first D/s relationship, and what was the progression like? From posts here and there I've found some people saying they were in a vanilla relationship that "grew into" something kinkier, and others saying they went through a bunch of vanilla relationships that didn't satisfy their dominant/submissive desires.

Personally, I'm just beginning to explore my interest in this, but I've had only one rather short vanilla relationship. I feel like I don't have that much experience with general relationship-type interactions, but on the other hand it's hard for me to motivate myself to seek out non-kink relationships just "to gain experience".

Any thoughts?



realtuffdom -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 3:30:12 PM)

Yes, I have a thought. Took me years to figure this one out, even as simple as it is.

Don't treat bdsm relationships as DIFFERENT than what you'd experience as vanilla. They're really the same with different packaging. I know it doesn't sound that way, but it is true.



cwytch -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 3:36:40 PM)

there is a difference???? i just thought vanilla relationships left out the handcuffs..<weg>



Carrianna -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 3:43:34 PM)

I always have been kinky (so have been told) but I thought everyone was the same.  I suppose for me, before BSDM found me I used what ever I could get my hands on, but now I have fetters toys.

Vanilla relationships, *Laughs* loads before I found a submissive, I found him on line, ok it only lasted 3 years, but we still get on, where as my vanilla ones are all dust... 

Also this is not about sex for me, where as vanilla relationships (for me) where.  That makes sence to me!!  



ReynardM -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 4:05:13 PM)

Yeah, I'm not worried so much about the difference between the relationships themselves as the difference in where people look for them. Like, people who want vanilla relationships don't come on CollarMe, they talk to their friends or go on match.com or just ask out the cute supermarket cashier. Do people on CollarMe just do those same things and hope the person's receptive to kink?



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 4:16:59 PM)

2 yep



DrkJourney -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 4:20:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtuffdom

Yes, I have a thought. Took me years to figure this one out, even as simple as it is.

Don't treat bdsm relationships as DIFFERENT than what you'd experience as vanilla. They're really the same with different packaging. I know it doesn't sound that way, but it is true.



beautifully said



ProfJoe -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 6:55:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: realtuffdom

Yes, I have a thought. Took me years to figure this one out, even as simple as it is.

Don't treat bdsm relationships as DIFFERENT than what you'd experience as vanilla. They're really the same with different packaging. I know it doesn't sound that way, but it is true.



So far as that goes -- the need for respect, communication, friendship, etc. -- it's true, but if the relationship involves D/s all those things are needed and yet the relationship is still ESSENTIALLY different ... it's based on power/authority rather than on partnership.

The OP sounds very young .... and I'd suggest that even when you're as young as I am (147 y. o.) that you keep your options open and be ready for change. What you are now, will change. What you want now, will change. What is is not what will be. No matter how old you are.

In a relationship, the changes are magnified. Both people change. If you don't stay on top of it together you WILL change into something that will make the relationship irrelevant and pointless.

marriages go down in smoke every day on this single point.

If you're just curisou, the just try it. See if the shoe fits. And, beyond that, not every shoe that fits is something y ou're going to want to have in the wardrobe.

I knew I was Dominant for twenty years before i could admit it in public because I needed a job to eat and to feed a family. Now I have the luxury of being able to live according to an identity that satisfies me.

Nothing wrong with that. It's just a fact. Y'have to deal with it.

Respectfully,
(Prof.) Joe



Damocles809 -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 8:31:51 PM)

I had one vanilla partner first, and we both got into the lifestyle from there.  Haven't had any nilla's since. 

As far as seeking exprience, there's a lot you can do to be a better dom or sub or whatever, without being in a relationship.  Familiarize yourself with the techniques, articulate your fantasies more, read up on your psychology.  No need to go into another nilla relationship you know you'll end in the long run. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 9:32:09 PM)

I had one serious one, but that's only because I hadn't discovered that I could actually BE kinky in relationships- I thought it was just another weird part of myself I had to keep to myself like so many other things about me.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/18/2007 9:41:46 PM)

Two relationships and then a very long marriage that was so unhealthy it hardly constituted vanilla or anything else for that matter.  He thought I was mentally ill for being submissive. 



Rayne58 -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 12:56:46 AM)

My first relationship was a 23 year vanilla marriage. I then had relationships with three men, none of whom I lived with (two were just casual "friends with benefits", none of them had anything to do with BDSM).

I am now married to my Master and we've been living together since January 2004. This is my first D/s relationship, and I sort of just fell into it. We met on another site, and became online friends before we got closer and He explained to me about BDSM.....it turns out I am naturally submissive which had been a curse during my marriage to a domineering bully[8|] However I've now found my niche as it were, and doubt I could ever go back to a vanilla lifestyle[:)]



darchChylde -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 1:00:26 AM)

please forgive the rambling nature of this post, i am feeling very emotional at this point and not thinking particularly clearly

my first relationship, with my wife, was vanilla... but my wife was dominant, if not a Dominant... as a red headed Irish Catholic, she was very aggressive (not to mention, she was my first and was 9 years older than me and experienced)... i have always been shy when it comes to action in sexuality... but at the time, i didn't know about bdsm or Ds, we just spiced things up a bit

we participated in what i like to call "vanilla kink", with spankings with household implements or hands and some cuffs and ropes; me usually on the recieving end... but we did not have a specifically D/s relationship, we each took control in what areas we excelled at, in bed Kat was usually dominant except the rare occasions that i took control

i have had both vanilla and Ds/bdsm relations since then, but it wasn't until my current relationship with Ma'am did i have a deep emotional relationship with a non-vanilla partner... though, to be fair, i didn't spend much emotion on most of my vanilla relations

at this point, i feel i have the best and worst of all worlds... the worst only because She opens me to levels of emotional intensity that i have shut myself away from so long ago, and that makes our relationship often frightening to me



favesclava -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 7:05:07 AM)

Master Fredpbear is my first real Dominant. it was always vanilla before that. vanilla kink left something to be desired.
this relationship is much different than vanilla. i feel like home.i have to put a lot of effort into it. i never cared about diappointing a man. this Man , i cry for the smallest infraction. i was never a crier before. its so important to me to be pleasing to Him.  



sophia37 -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 7:33:40 AM)

Personally, I dont see any difference between "Vanilla" or "BDSM", here at this site and in personal relationships. "Vanilla" people from what I see, are just people who like kinky things as much as "BDSM" people, but dont know there's a name for what they like. They just like. And they just do.

Sure, there are some people who question why they like what they like. Those people may then seek out a name for it, like "BDSM" so they can embrace what they like. Then there are those who berate themselves inside because they think, "I'm not normal", or some such thing. I think it all hinges on the thought process. If one really feels like thinking it thru, then I guess, you end up on this site! lolol

On this site, I just came up with the idea that I was the mascot "Vanilla" person, because I had never heard of such a thing before I came here. I reality I am an artist. So I've pretty much lived in a world where I've seen/been involved in, all sorts of "Kinky" things for a very long time. Sometimes its better to just not think about things and instead just let things go their own course without guilt.

Nobody has the perfect life. No one has a better kink or a better lifestyle. Its pretty much each person to their own in the world. Maybe just walk thru life with the thought that you will try to do no harm. Then be open to everything that comes your way. You'll be amazed at the things you see or experience by the time you become 50. Not that Im 50 yet. lolol xo Soph



YourShyPet -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 5:51:56 PM)

All of my relationships have been D/s except for one a few years ago... I got curious as to how the other half lived... it didn't last long... it was way too weird for me to handle on a full time basis... but I did find that I do enjoy many vanilla activities... and little kinky vanilla time can be enjoyable... as long as it's not an everyday thing.



behindmirrors -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 7:08:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ReynardM

I'm curious: for those of you who are in, or have been in a D/s relationship, how many vanilla partners did you have before your first D/s relationship, and what was the progression like?



I have never had a D/s relationship prior to the one I am in now, which began vanilla. Total number of vanilla relationships prior to meeting my Master and beginning this lifestyle: 7.

When I met my Master and we began dating, it started off as a vanilla relationship. I am incredibly happy it did not remain that way, but it took the foundation of trust and love that we built during that time for me to feel safe telling him about my kinky inclinations, which I was quite happy were responded well to by him- thus beginning the evolution of our lives into what they are together now.

The progression was the way it was (and it might be helpful to note that I had known I was interested in kink throughout all relationships prior) because I really needed that strong foundation in something other than kink to make sure the person I was with was someone I would trust myself to when I submitted to them. In the end, my Master is the first one that I found worth giving myself to in that way, and the only one I could really trust with so much of myself.

I think that it was helpful to me to really take my time with him and make sure I was in a safe place and with a safe person before beginning to explore D/s. My own comfort level and trust in another person always takes a while to develop, so this was my way of making sure I made the right choice before I got hurt, either emotionally or physically, by another.

I hope this helps with your question-
behindmirrors.



Joseff -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/19/2007 8:27:57 PM)

My present relationship, 15 years, is the only thing close to a d/s relationship I've had, and it can best be described as a marriage with lots of BDSM.  It actually started with a mutual interest, and grew from there.
Joseff



SusanofO -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/20/2007 12:33:33 AM)

I was married for 15 years to a man who stopped liking sex altogether after 4 years. He was neither Dominant nor submissive, just asexual. Toward the end of our relationship, I discovered BDSM (with someone else, that is).

Before that, I had one BF I was really, genuinely totally in love with - but we broke up because he didn't ever want to marry anyone (and I wanted to get married. He was 17 years older than me, and had been married once. Apparently, he didn't like it. He was also my ex-therapist, (but that's a whole other story). I really did love him (he later committed suicide, although not due to me breaking up with him).

Anyway, he once asked me to "Order him around", and I tried, (a little) but I think I probably did a really bad job of it. In any case, we didn't keep it up, and he stopped asking me to do that. At the time, I just didn't understand what D/s was, and had never heard of BDSM. He did not explain it to me, either (and I didn't ask).

I also had one guy I dated who did a quick version of pony play on me (but only twice), using a belt as a "harness" - but at the time, I didn't really know what he was doing. I didn't object to it, I enjoyed it.

Then I had one BF in college, who wanted to spank me, so I let him. I enjoyed that, too. 

I figure these men were all  mostly "Vanilla" - and just experimenting with what they'd heard of in porno magazines or elsewhere, because we never kept it up, and they just wanted to see what it felt like, and wanted me to enjoy it as well. It didn't bother me at all, and I enjoyed it, for the most part. But - I didn't really discover BDSM for at least another 11-20 years later (depending on which relationship we're talking about). Glad I did discover it, though.

I agree with some others on this thread in that I'd approach a D/s relationship w/BDSM activity the same way as a "Vanilla" one, as far as trying to build a real relationship. Because it's no different, in that regard (at least not for me) - it's still two people who need to get to know eachother as people, not mere "roles". The only thing different is the D/s and BDSM activity.

- Susan 



MasterMike04103 -> RE: Vanilla relationships before D/s? (8/21/2007 7:05:41 AM)

I had a few girlfriends before I truely became kinky, but I can say with my current partner I am glad I am kinky... and she wouldn't change it abit.

When I was in my teens and early 20s I was dating your normal girl for the most part, sex was normally normal with the exception of a couple girls who liked to have their hair pulled, asses slapped, ect... but nothing great by kink standards. These girls started my head winding to where I am today, and I thank them each for what they did for me in their own unique way... Oh and thanks to Vice President Gore for inventing the internet *teehee* where I was able to go threw the many sites including this one to gain a better handle on who and what I am and to put me in touch with a local community which I didn't know existed.

Mike



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