RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/19/2007 8:18:52 PM

AAkasha

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I was tying up and tormenting the opposite sex for a few years before my first orgasm and before I ever had sexual intercourse. Is it sexual? Well, sure - I can't deny that I get *wet* when I engage in power exchange, but it's an arousal that does not require me to see it through to completion -- ie, I don't have to have intercourse OR even have an orgasm. I can get a "femdom high" as well as a "femdom release" minus any fluid exchange at all. Me, a pair of handcuffs and some duct tape, and a willing victim -- I can be in heaven. Fully clothed - no problem.

Do I like to mix it with sex? Sure -- if I am intimate with the man, chances are, we're overlapping kink and sex quite often. But I do like them separate. It's almost distracting for me to have too much "sex" mixed up in my "kink" -- when I am feeling the need to get my "femdom fix" I often want to focus on those feelings and sensations.

That being said, I can feasibly have a completely kinky BDSM relationship with a man and not have fluid exchange or intimacy, but still have a very rewarding kinky exchange. The challenge is finding a guy willing to do that with no strings attached (I keep thinking...damn, I need a gay bondage bottom I can spoil) and also containing my own desire for lust/intimacy if I were attracted to someone. Believe it or not, the things I would have a hard time *not* doing are not necessarily sexual touching/fucking -- it's kissing. Kissing is a major, major part of my sensual drive, but it's also something I am painfully monogamous about.

Akasha

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 12:46:10 AM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

Amen sunshine. I define intercourse, intimacy, sex and being lovers all very differently.

I can't imagine why anyone other than a wanker or some self righteous jerk would send such an email. I suppose to get a rise out of you. While it worked (here) I venture to guess he doesn't read the forums because he's too busy beating off all the single, sex starved, begging dominants with a stick.

Actually, I wouldn't say it really got much of a rise out of me. I sent him a short answer explaining that I didn't need to incorporate sex with BDSM and that my husband was fully aware of everything I did. I also sent him a note letting him know that I decided to post his comments without giving away his identity and where to find it. I figured that if he really wanted some answers, he would come here and see what other people had to say. Saves me a lot of time and trouble. Thanks to everyone who posted.
Mistress Scarlet

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 3:00:37 AM

slaveluci

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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BabyNyla

I went 28 years without having sex and for 8 of those years I had an amazing BDSM life ... what irritates me is when I meet new people ... dom or sub ... and they don't believe me ... they can't understand that I am in it for the control and mental aspects and not for an easy fuck. Now that I am married to my hubby we have sex ... but I still love his mindfucks over his physical fucks ~_^

Hello BabyNyla,
I am in no way trying to "back up" the stupidity of someone who would email the OP something like they did. BUT....it's not that hard for me to imagine that there are people out there who do have a hard time understanding why what we traditionally think of as "sex" wouldn't be included. You mentioned that you aren't in the lifestyle "for an easy fuck" and you also mention that you didn't have sex for 28 years. Wow - there's much middle ground between those two as you know.

I think alot of people - myself included frankly - would ponder a bit over why someone would voluntarily go over a quarter of a century without "sex" unless they'd taken a vow of chastity due to their religious beliefs, etc. Now, of course, if I take a few moments I know I can think of several other possibilities and reasons. And then, of course, it's no one's business to ask how long it's been unless you bring it up as you have here. The idea of emailing someone to discuss it is just out of the question

.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: LA and others are famous for always talking about how people "in the lifestyle" are essentially no different at their core than people not in it. I can see how your average, ordinary person would be curious about why no "sex" (in the conventional, vanillla sense) is involved, especially if we're discussing a period of years and years. I think many would be curious about that whether or not the relationship had anything at all to do with BDSM because it isn't what most would see as "typical." Anything not "typical" usually brings such curiosity, right or wrong. Just playing the devil's advocate a bit and no disrespect intended to anyone.............luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 8/20/2007 3:27:46 AM >

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 4:13:01 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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From: North Carolina
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There will always be those out there that just don't get it. Most of the statements like these come out of ignorance and misunderstanding. I try to enlighten those that don't get it but I gave up on trying to make a point of it. Some of us get it and those that don't should ask why instead of assuming misinformed info that they have heard or believe to be true.

Some in this lifestyle don't care for the sexual aspect and don't want it in their relationships. Everyone has their own desires and goes about it in a different way.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 8/20/2007 4:14:37 AM >

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 4:20:34 AM

becca333

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Even if you just don't get it, even if someone's kink is TOTALLY not your own kink, why would you waste your time emailing them to tell them so? I still find it mystifying.

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 8:14:06 AM

LATEXBABY64

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I want the whole freaking car engine and all other wise it just dose not go anywhere lol

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 8:34:16 AM

GhitaAmati

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Believe it or not, the things I would have a hard time *not* doing are not necessarily sexual touching/fucking -- it's kissing. Kissing is a major, major part of my sensual drive, but it's also something I am painfully monogamous about.

Akasha

Im one of the oddballs...I see kissing as way more intimate than sex.....I fuck lots of people...but I flat out refuse to kiss anyone other than Sir with more than a really quick peck...just seems all passionate and Im not really fucking them to display love or anything.....

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 8:43:12 AM

CuriousLord

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I'm not entirely sure what the appeal of saying something along the lines of, "BDSM is not about sex" is. It's such a tired, easily contradicted notion. The one point I'm more interested in is, "Why do people like to say that BDSM isn't about sex?" The answer always leads me to more of an array of partial answers.

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 8:47:58 AM

GhitaAmati

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I think it has something to do with the fact that many people in this lifestyle are consantly faced with the social opinion that BDSM is all about sex, so they go to the other extreame to try to state thats its not about sex at all.....to try and get others to see the power dynamics and control issues instead of the kinky sex....I happen to actually enjoy the kinky sex though....

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RE: Understanding BDSM without Sex - 8/20/2007 9:06:23 AM

Dnomyar

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sweetnurseBBW. I like the way you put your post. My sentiments exactly.

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