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telling my sister - 8/19/2007 8:06:43 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would love to hear some advice on this matter. I searched for old threads and came up with some stuff but i have a more specific question.

I feel i am ready to talk to my sister about submission. I have held off in the past because i think i still was not sure where i fit into all this and telling her was going to make it more real if that makes sense, less able to be hidden away if i decided it wasn't for me. Well i know that this is going to be a part of my life now and i would like her to know about it. My question is if it is ok to tell someone when we're not in person. The few people i have asked advice on this have said wait until you are in person but i haven't seen her in a while and while i'm going home in sept. it's only for a day and a half and there's no guarantee there will be enough time to sit down and talk without other family and friends around. I don't want to be impatient but i feel like the longer i wait the weirder it will be to say to her "oh yeah i've been in to this for a while and just got around to telling you".

So does anyone have any experience with telling a close friend or family member over the phone? Am i being silly and way too impatient? Thanks!


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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 8:13:34 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		My sister found out sort of by accident. I don't tell anyone unless they insist on knowing, because I feel it's a completely private matter, and I don't feel the need for anyone's approval. She doesn't tell me about her sexual life, and I can't imagine why in the world she'd be interested in mine.

I am not preaching (well, maybe I am, a little), I guess I just don't quite understand why some feel the need to have others approve of what they do that is sexually related. And I know for a fact that finding out I am involved in BDSM would almost kill my father - he just wouldn't get it, and would blame himself for my involvement, so I pray he never knows.

It pays to remember, that finding out this kind of thing is more of a burden for some people than for others. If they don't particularly want to know about it, I do believe that should be respected. It doesn't matter if telling them would make you feel better, or not, in that case.

That's my reasoning, anyway - but I know some others disagree. Maybe you think she'll be cool with it, but if not - I'd think it over before telling her. This kind of knowledge about family members can have strange repercussions, sometimes. Of course it's your life, and you have a right to do whatever you think is best.

My sister is okay with it now, but she still thinks it's slightly strange, and I am pretty sure she wouldn't be into it herself, probably ever. I just soft-pedalled my involvement, and made it sound like spanking was the extent of the relationship I was in. Of course that isnt' true, but saying anything more would have completely freaked her out, I think. So if I absolutely have to tell someone, I think  soft-pedalling it is the way I'd do it, if I had to do it again.

Just my two cents. Other people may have more applicable advice for you. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 8:49:41 PM >

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 8:18:24 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Nice topic !!
 
I have 2 sisters.  All of us consider ourselves submissive.  But obviously there is a degree of difference.  Both sisters are submissive when it meets their expectations and really like to control the situations they are in.
 
My one sister refers to me as a doormat...ya, I am.  At times.
 
My youngest sister knows of my deisre and need to submit to a dominant man and she has issues with that. 
If the other knew ???  LOL  omg I cant imagine her response.
 
So many times dominant means domineering or a bully. 
 
So I suggest you might want to begin by telling your sister about the man who you want.  The characteristics.  If she hears you want a protecter, a man of integrity to care for you and for whom you wish to devote yourself too...she might better understand. 
 
The sexual part?  All they will hear is what they want to hear.
 
My closest friend knows it all and she is ok with it.  
 
Only you will know how to share.....   I hope it goes well for you.
 
Sir's girl   


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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 8:40:04 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
Susan of O
I understand where you're coming for and thanks for bringing this up. I do not believe i am doing it out of a need for her to approve of my choices but i think i have done things because of that sometimes so thanks for making me think about it a little more. In this situation i simply want her to know because i don't like ever having to lie to her about what i'm doing or where i'm going and because i don't want to ever be anything other than who i truly am around my sister. I'm not saying i want to give her sexual details but that's not all this is to me anyway. Aside from this one aspect of myself i feel i am the most myself around her and i find it hard to hide something like this from her. I don't think it would be a burden on her and if i get that sense i will back off before telling her too much.

Shyinini

Thank you for the advice of telling her about the kind of guy i want before bringing up the D/s stuff so specifically. I have discussed some of my fantasies i used to have that i didn't know were bdsm related with her and she has had the same ones so i think it's likely she will understand more than maybe even i give her credit for.


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"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 8:42:56 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		charlotte12: Well, good luck. It sounds like you know a little bit about what she may feel about it, and it doesn't seem as if it will be a huge ordeal for her - and in any case, I wish you the best, as far as this situation is concerned.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/19/2007 8:47:15 PM >

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"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 9:34:33 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Afraid I can't offer too much advice.  My little brother and I both carry Dominant stances (he's more Dom, I'm more Master).  We both know the other's stance, to some degree.  We never really talk about it, I just saw a note from his "girlfriend" addressing him in the typical sub-speak as "Master <name>".  I'm guessing he knows about my stance because, while keeping it somewhat private, walls tend to be thin, and we've been under the same roof back in our teen years (I was a Dom back in the highschool days).

My mother's the remaining member of our family (my father's deceased).  She's aware of though ignores the D/s lifestyle.  Thin walls, again, I suppose.  May've talked to my little brother, I guessed.

In any case, I've never had to share with my family.  Brothers tend not to talk so much (hell, I only know which university my little brother's going through via my mother and his dog's collar) and mothers- well, in cases- tend not to be interested in the specifics of their kids' sex lives.

However it goes for you, I hope you start a thread to share the results.  Good luck.  The only advice I would really offer is to consider not making a big deal out of it, as to not immediately prejustice your sister into thinking it's a problem.

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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 9:49:33 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Given your situation, I would think phone call would be fine.  Just make sure before you start that it's a good time for her to have focused attention for awhile.

And really, don't make it a big deal because it really isn't.  The more you put forth that attitude, the more SHE will take on that attitude and it will stay what it is.  Keep it simple.  Just say "I wanted to talk because I've really learned some stuff about myself and you should know.  I enjoy relationships where the other person has the authority and I get to focus on submitting to them."

You can even add in a few giggly "Yes there's kinky sex too" if you do that and if that might help break up the mood and it's appropriate for the sort of discussions you guys have.

Otherwise, be prepared for questions, be prepared with answers that are again simple, quick, and are said in a "serious but really this isn't a big deal" way.  And be sure to reinforce that you are HAPPY and you know to make good choices and that you're SO glad you can share this with her.

And be sure you're doing it because it really is best for the relationship you have together, not just to feed YOUR need to share with the world.

For more general terms:

Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people



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RE: telling my sister - 8/19/2007 9:54:38 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		I get the feeling that you and your sister are close but I don't think I'd have this conversation over the phone no matter how impatient you may feel. (sorry LA, but if you are comparing this to a homosexual "coming out" then I know I really wouldn't have appreciated that as a phone call! I have a relative who came out, and yes, we had an inkling that he was gay, but a phone call???? no way. ) You need to see her reactions in person in order to adjust what you say. Is she processing it ok? Does she look distressed or relieved?  She may already have an idea, or this could be totally unexpected information. If it's important enough to tell her, then it's important enough to tell her in the right moment and in the right manner.  In any case, I would think that the main things your sister wants to know is that you are happy and safe. As long as you can bring things up in that context, I'd think she'd be ok with it. I'm not saying she will agree with you or want something similar for herself, but she won't feel like she has to rescue you from the Big Evil Doms.

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 8/19/2007 9:57:39 PM >

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 5:09:17 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I share here because I can't do that with my family or friends. 

I'm ok with that, and besides, if I told them all my secrets they'd probably tell me all theirs, and I really don't want to know!

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 5:49:42 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Just remember, once you tell a secret, it isn't one anymore--be sure you are comfortable with hearing it from your third cousin--or your parent even----good luck!

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 6:42:51 AM   
trustingsubHF


Posts: 34
Joined: 8/19/2007
From: VA
Status: offline 		i have actually told my step mom over the phone that i am submissive. she and i are very close and i did not feel that it was something that would shock her at all. if your sister is not familiar with BDSM, then i would prepare for her reaction to be shock and in this case i would tell her face-to-face...

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 7:10:36 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotte12
Am i being silly and way too impatient?
Yes. Seems to me you want braging rites more then being happy with who you are. If your sister is so busy and the two of you can't sit and talk then whats the point in telling her at all? The initial reaction of most people that are not into BDSM would be shock and revulsion. The only reason I could see someone wanting to do this is for shock value. Childish shock value.
quote:

Thanks!
No problem.

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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 10:51:44 AM   
violetaelf


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline 		I know the anxious feeling of wanting to be open with your family and not feel like you're hiding something or living a 'second life'.

In my case though it was easier. Being a film-making major, I was writing my thesis film scrip about BDSM.. so most people who knew and saw it suspected me being rather familiar with it, part of it. The fact that I showed up to the public screening wearing a collar helped too LOL :). Some asked straight up... and then I had no problems answering questions.

My family knows.. Mom and I talked about it briefly, without details... she's worried for me, but understands it's my choice and my life. My sister knows but never once asked and I don't bother bringing it up. Good that my film was light and educational... so that helped i guess :) less explanations on my part.

Few of my friends know and several asked questions which were hard to answer... So be prepared for that... Just keep in mind that if a person doesn't know anything about the lifestyle... (or has typical exaggerated misconceptions about it) You'll have to explain it from the core... in simple terms.

To me... It's not the acceptance that I seek from my family... but just want them to know a big part of me. Don't expect your sister to be instantly Ok with it. . she might be, or she might not be. Either way do your best to explain where you are coming from and what it is you want her to know.

Best of luck.
'violet'

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 11:10:51 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		It might not be the experience you thought it would be when and if you do tell her.  Remeber once the cats out of the bag you can't put it back in.  my sister lived with me for a while after she split from her abusive husband and lost her house.  Her and my niece lived with me for a few years. During that time she saw things on my computer she should not have. 12 years ago they didn't have the ability to password the computer so anyone who turned it on had acceess to it.  She asked me questions and i gave back as little info as possible.  But in a nutshell she now knew.  Fast forward 4 to 5 years. We have a falling out and she tells my whole entire family. i have one of two options - come out of the closet to everyone, which would have included my children, or lie. i don't like being dishonest but i wasn't going to be forced to confront something that was very private to me.  She is an alcoholic and has a rather negative history with most in my family of telling tall tales, so i used it to my advantage and told everyone she must be having alcoholic delusions and laughed. The ironic part is that everyone believed me and not her - sweet justice.  We did mend fences briefly a bit over 2 years ago and i had no bones about confronting her about it. i told her if she ever pulled that shit again no 1 i would never speak to her again, and no 2 i would tell them the same thing i told them before and she would only look like a fool again.  Needless to say we had another parting of ways, this time it is permanent and she again spouted her stuff - shes embelished with lies about things (stuff shes suppossedly seen etc) - No one believes her.  i don't feel bad as far as i am concerned she deserves it.  If i ever decide to disclose anything to my children it will be on my terms not some vindictive fools.  Thank god for windows xp.  What a way to show thanks for taking her in

< Message edited by velvetears -- 8/20/2007 11:11:57 AM >

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 2:14:31 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		MrDiscipline: I am certainly not looking for bragging rights. My sister is not so busy that we don't even have time to talk. We don't live near eachother right now hence the not being able to sit down but we talk on the phone often, sometimes more than once a day. It is because we are so close and so much a part of eachother's lives that i am feeling weird about her not knowing. I would hate for her to find out in some way other than me telling her.

Velvetears: I am so sorry to hear what happened between you and your sister. I appreciate you sharing your story. It is a reminder to be careful who i impart such information to as i sometimes forget about possible future falling outs. I do not believe this will ever happen with my sister but i will keep it in mind with other people.

And thank you to everyone who reminded me not to make a big deal out of it. I wasn't planning on it and i think that's actually why i was wondering whether to do it on the phone or not since i feel like i would have to make somewhat of a big deal out of it if i wait until we're in person since we probably wouldn't get a ton of alone time unless i insisted that there was something important i need to discuss.

Again, thanks for all the feedback. I will keep it all in mind as i decide what's best to do. I liked the suggestion of watching a movie with submission in it but again, since i'm only going to be home for such a brief time i have a feeling her bf or our parents might be present at any movie time we have...lol.

Ok, back to work i go :)

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"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 2:32:07 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		I have four half sisters and one half brother.  Only one of them knows I'm into BDSM, the rest are clueless I think.   Her and I talk about all kinds of in depth shit, including our sex lives.  Our father and everybody else mainly is incapable of dealing with hearing shit without being judgemental.  But what the HELL, two of my 1/2 sisters are locked into abusive relationships with assholes.  Basically, they have too much drama going on and the rest of us, just kind of avoid getting into the middle of it.   Thank God, I was raised in a sperate environment.  We all have the same father.

My Mom, knows I'm into BDSM.  Have not talked about it at any detail. She's kewl with it as long as it's consentual.

It was rather easy for me to talk with my one half sister, because we talk about anything and everything.  Was no big sweat breaking the news to her.

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 3:25:17 PM   
nmjardine


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44
Yes. Seems to me you want braging rites more then being happy with who you are. If your sister is so busy and the two of you can't sit and talk then whats the point in telling her at all? The initial reaction of most people that are not into BDSM would be shock and revulsion. The only reason I could see someone wanting to do this is for shock value. Childish shock value.


I'll be truthful and say that this was one of the reasons I told the sister with whom I live. The main reason was so that she would be aware of where I was and what I was doing for safety's sake. I told the other sister because she knew something was up and kept insisting that she wanted to know. She now tells me that likes living vicariously through me (though this life isn't for her). I could never ever tell my other 2 sisters, my brother or my mother as they would not be nearly as accepting. My mother would send me biblical passages and emplore me to repent (another form of hell).

I think those to whom one is closest are more accepting no matter how "perverted" one might be. I got pretty damn lucky with the ones I did tell.

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 3:53:35 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I let my parents know and, more recently, my sister.  The approach that tends to work for me is to be concrete.  With my parents, I told them about the parties I was attending.  I described them as something along the lines of church potlucks with something extra going on in the basement.  They got a chuckle out of that.  I didn't go into specifics about my role or what I do but emphasized safety and stuff that would reassure them that I wasn't putting myself in danger.  My mother brought it up at the dinner table shortly after I told them, which is how my sister found out but at that time (3 or 4 years ago) I wasn't comfortable going into detail so we kept it light and shallow.

Over the past couple years my sister and I have gotten really close so I've been talking to her more.  Last year I travelled quite a bit of distance to meet someone I met on-line and I asked her to be my safe-call.  I showed her the site I met him on, and his profile and mine and gave all the relevant information.  This past memorial day weekend, my sister and her partner were visiting and it was about the time I first started talking to the one I'm with now so I clued her into what was going on 'cause I kept stealing away to the computer.  So, she was included from the beginning and has even seen him on web cam.  I guess the way its worked for me is that because she's a part of my life, there's no question of not telling her but its in the context of telling her about what I'm up to and what's going on in my life and not anything like a coming out.



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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 3:58:26 PM   
missbehaeven


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		~warm smiles~
Greetings charlotte,
I've followed this thread curiously as I'm in the same situation of not letting anyone in my family know..Somewhat because my own personal discomfort level in discussing these things, and somewhat because we're all stressed with other things happening right now.
 
Best of luck, and please keep us posted!   miss

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RE: telling my sister - 8/20/2007 4:11:39 PM   
devotedsylph


Posts: 56
Joined: 8/8/2007
Status: offline 		charlotte12,

I'm in a long-distance M/s relationship and am the slavegirl of the pair.  We will be living together next year (yay!).  I haven't yet had the 'coming out' talk with everyone, but I have put a considerable amount of thought into it.

I feel that you can't just have one generic speech for everyone, and everyone doesn't need to know every aspect.  The reason Master and I will need to 'come out' is because our way is not limited to the bedroom.  People can, will and DO notice that I am "different" (most looks are admiring!).

My mother is old-fashioned in the "Man rules the house" sense.  She believes in the wife taking care of her man - old-fashioned 50's style marriage.  While she didn't kneel or call my father "Master", she was still very respectful and submissive.  To her, we will explain it in those terms.  That I believe as she does and found the man to rule my roost, so to speak.

My dad is more modern and has always seen and thought me to be aggressive and more Dominant female.  Master's parent's are modern but extremely open-minded.  To them, we will explain how it is really a relationship of mutual respect and love.  They don't need to know that my greatest joy is in wearing his collar or having a bruise on me that tingles when I sit.  But, they will think it 'abnormal' that I serve him and take orders from him.  Our goal will be to give it the old-fashioned relationship twist and let them see that our relationship is the way it is because it works for us and it is out of love and mutual respect.  We will explain that we believe men and women are different - not equals, not inequal, merely different - and out of those differences stem things that are natural to me and natural to him.

Master's friends know about our way and think it's awesome.  To them, Master simply explained that he is Master, I am slave.

To the few friends I have, I explained that I am not his equal and don't wish to be treated as such.  Yes, I can "do the things he does" and make as much money and all that, but it's not about those superficial things.  It's about him being a man and me being a woman and the two of us doing what comes natural.  I'd also explain how I felt that a lot of vanilla relationships constantly disrespect each other and set themselves up for failure.

In a nutshell, I think you should try to tailor your speech to the recipient.  If the listener wouldn't understand "Master/slave" then try to reword things.  I'm sure that in my scenario, they will all have questions - you should be prepared for that, too.  Try to think about what your listeners would say in response to your words, and think about what they might say in return.

Simply,
sylph

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