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ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 9:10:30 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		ok, we have all had to deal with this at some time or another.

What would you do if something that belonged to a parent (deceased) was promised to somebody else. because the other parent was mad at you and you knew that to hurt you told somebody else you can have this item. The other person tells you that it was promised. Now what do u do? It is not specified in a will and the 2nd parent promised it to somebody. The  2nd Parent has passed (the one that made the promise). What is the ethical and legal thing to do? U have nothing else that of the first parent that you could keep as a keepsake (remembrance of that parent, say something they wore everyday.) How would u handle this?

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 9:40:43 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Well if it was a gun............

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 9:44:21 PM   
sappatoti


Posts: 14844
Joined: 10/30/2006
From: the edge of darkness...
Status: offline 		Short of having the promises written down in some sort of document, there's really not much one can do. One can beg or fight for it. One can appeal to the nice side of whoever it is that has the object in question. One can even sue to get it back, but in any of those cases, it may not be easy to get it back.

(My own family history taught me this lesson. Make a list of the things to be passed down and who is to get them. Either give those things away to those folks before you die or make sure your list is made part of your will.)

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 9:46:09 PM   
winterlight


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Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		Exactly and now i am in the middle of this all.. GRRRRRR

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 9:50:18 PM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		Remember with your mind. Objects don't matter. Let it go.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:02:28 PM   
BruisedHick


Posts: 123
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		I think Churro is about on the right track.  You can get all bitter inside about this object, and angry at the people involved, or you can wish that person all the best with it, and move on.

Which would your parental unit have preferred?

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:03:31 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		Give it to them.  It's really not that important.  My mom gave me a locket, but she had forgotten she had promised it to my sister years before.  My sister of course remembered.  I took awhile to think about it but really, it wasn't important much to me and it obviously was to her. 

I'm a materialistic person, but knowing something was conflicted would take all the meaning from me.  Give it away.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:05:17 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Legally, the rule of thumb is to ask a lawyer.  They're far more aware of how to deal with such situations than anyone here (with the possible exception of legal professionals that may find CM.com's boards home).

Not enough information to determine how I might handle this situation.  Not enough information, nor do I believe that you could readily provide such information (as it would be a lot).

So, in the end, all I can really offer is sympathy.  When my father passed, I was given a number of things he once had.  He was a lawyer and politican, so, plenty of fancy stuff.  His main briefcase was something I inherieted.  It rarely leaves my side outside of the house these days.  It carries my labtop, books, papers, and such with me; though, perhaps more importantly, it also reminds me of someone I respected before most any other.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:08:11 PM   
sappatoti


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From: the edge of darkness...
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

Exactly and now i am in the middle of this all.. GRRRRRR


Then, as SugarMyChurro suggests, you may have to remember that person using your memories. One thing to consider in pursuing this object... will the pain and misery that it might take to get it back overshadow the good memories of the person you want to remember? Or will the fight to get it back make the memory of your loved one even more special? If, in the process of reclaiming the object, you damage your current relationship with whoever has it, how will that compare to the remembrance of the loved one? Those are things to think about.

I've seen this stuff happen with my parents, uncles, and aunts when my grandparents and great aunt passed on. That was over ten years ago and these people are still a bit miffed with each other over who got what when it was promised to someone else... and so on.

Best of luck to you in making your decision. It's not an easy one to make.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:08:36 PM   
winterlight


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Status: offline 		i am only conflicted because i am in the middle of two people. one is my sib ling the other my aunt. i am executor of the will but it isn't in the will that the item goes to my Aunt.
sibling is now going i dont have anything of mom nor dad. Where is an item that belonged to mom. In other words she is looking out for herself (sibling),
see where i am going with this. It is gonna get ugly i can tell....Sibling wants an item of mom and dad which would leave me with nothing of sentimental value either.
sighs..

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/19/2007 10:22:11 PM   
sappatoti


Posts: 14844
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From: the edge of darkness...
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

... i am executor of the will ...



Seek legal counsel. The role of executor varies widely by locality; it's best to find out the legal basis for whatever decision you may ultimately have to make (if it is indeed yours to make).

_____________________________

Never mind the man on the edge of the darkness... he means no harm...

"Community, Identity, Stability." ~ A Brave New World, Aldous Huxley, 1932

If you don't like my attitude, QUIT TALKING TO ME!

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 2:05:36 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Do the Salomon judgement. Get them all together and say: "Since you all have a claim, I will saw it in equal pieces and each of you will get a piece." The one who is willing to give up his piece should get all of it intact.
 
Alternatively you can allocate it by lottery, by contest or by selling it to the highest bidder. I suggest you do the lottery.

< Message edited by Rule -- 8/20/2007 2:06:29 AM >

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 2:21:35 AM   
TankII7871


Posts: 174
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		When i was fulfilling the last wish's of my Grandfather it became nasty.  the only advice I can give you is to either do things as they told you they wanted or as you honestly believe they would have wanted. 

Eric

no smart ass comment this time just heart felt good wishes

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 2:23:04 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Me? I'd hire a legal mediator, and let them decide. It beats having to deal with the emotional fall-out from various relatives, for years to come, if you do the deciding (if you think that's what could happen).

My sister is a lawyer (she did my own will) - and she used to get clients who were previously arguing about this kind of thing - and after she took over (even if someone has already been named as Executor), they got to blame her instead, for how property was divided up. She didn't care (she knew that's why they hired her).

Either that, or I like LA's answer and just part with whatever it is. Is it really that important? Maybe it is, I dunno. About the legal mediation thing -

If you think you cannot afford one, check under Legal Aid societies in the Yellow pages, or call a legal referral service and ask them to refer you to a low-cost Mediation or Arbitration service, or a low-cost or a Legal Aid attorney.

My two cents.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/20/2007 2:31:44 AM >

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 3:00:55 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		If I was convinced a parent was doing to something to spite me and it was knowingly aided and abetted by a sibling, I would tell them both to go take a hike and not to contact me until they could stop acting like spiteful spoilt children. That if they had any issues with me they should discuss them with me like adults and until they can do that I'm not interested in communicating with them.

One shouldn't hold on to ones family at all costs, especially if it is so dysfunctional.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 8/20/2007 3:02:50 AM >

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 3:47:46 AM   
Politesub53


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Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sappatoti


quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

... i am executor of the will ...



Seek legal counsel. The role of executor varies widely by locality; it's best to find out the legal basis for whatever decision you may ultimately have to make (if it is indeed yours to make).


Winterlight..... This ( Quoted ) is the best advice you can take.

In the UK the executor has to carry out the letter of the will. If there is no specific mention of possesions, then it becomes down to the executors Judgement. Anything of value should be sold and passed down as per the will.

As for the items of no monetery value, do as you will and dont get put on the spot. The will overrides any verbal promises, at least it does over here.

I was recently Executor for an aunt who had written the great grand daughter out of the will and left the money to the great granchildren, who are all um`s..... It sux, but i am flattered my aunt asked me to be executor and do what SHE wanted.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 5:31:25 AM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		Two years ago my mother-in-law passed away, my husbands older sister was still living nearby to nana but decided not to call us and let us know she had passed away. We knew something was wrong because we couldnt reach her on the phone, but by the time we were able to get off work to make the trip, the funeral was already done and over with and the evil sister had sold everything in the house. Including things that were my husbands personal property, all his Military uniforms and gear (actually soem of that was the US governments property...) and many many more things he had stored at his moms house. Many of the things she sold were things that nana had promised to my children, antique family toys and a huge model airplane collection. Lots of stuff of no real monetary value, but more sentimental. Nana had told us we could have her big screen tv, but I wasnt really worried about that, it was more the little personal stuff that I would have loved for the kids to be able to have. We did get a lawyer, fought her for over two years in court. Basically came down to the fact that since she had sold it, and there was no way to get any of it back, and there were no pictures nor an inventory of the items in nana house, there was absolutly nothing we could do about it.


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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 5:39:09 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

Exactly and now i am in the middle of this all.. GRRRRRR


One collects all these things, and says, first of all, I am unaware of this promise (I assume you are the administrator) so it could not have been an actual wish of other than fleeting kind thought, or it would have been in the will.

you can either then make a list in order of that what each one wants, and if it can work out that you can make compromises so that each is given something equally treasured.....or, and I have had to do this, you  draw by lottery for every item in question and let all the particulars trade and scheme amongst themselves.

you as executor should take no prisoners, make no deals, emote in any way that is favoring one or another in terms of the will.  You exectute what is written, and find an equitable way where the issue is not spelled out.

Be like solomon in these matters, divide the child in half.

King Solomon


  

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 6:16:39 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		I'd let it go. Things are only things and it's not worth losing your dignity and energy over a thing.

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RE: ethical and legal quandry - 8/20/2007 9:32:33 AM   
favesclava


Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		My father passed away 15 years ago in NJ. i lived in Michigan. My half brother had my address and contact phone numbers. My fathers passing was not sudden. I did not receive a call from my 1/2 bro. A cousin called my mom who called me. i was 8 months pregnant. if i had received the call in time i would have been able to travel to my father's side. (i was daddy's lil girl). the actions on my bro were because of greed. my father owned a BMW and land in PR. i got the call after my father's body was en route to the island. Now the brother needs the signature of my 2 brothers and i to sell the property. We will never do it. i did not want any property. all i wanted was to hold my father's  hand  . to stand by the graveside. to kiss him one last time. if it had been a sudden death it wouldnt have mattered. i had said goodbye, but there was the opportunity to let him know i was there. he took that away from me for greed and i will never forgive him for it.
if everyone in the family gets along then the material doesnt matter. you have your memories of love. let the one who would cherish the item the most have it. seek a lawyer as last resort.
i would have let him keep the car and the land . i had no use for it. what i needed was to be with Daddy when he was on his deathbed.

< Message edited by favesclava -- 8/20/2007 9:36:46 AM >

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