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rmanrr -> RE: After 30 years (7/29/2008 12:28:01 PM)
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thank you as well sue and ddl,
pain can indeed cause growth, not really the preferred style but what had to be done was indeed done. It will continue to be done. By both of us I believe. I did not really know what I had until I tried to destroy it and her, tried to force it all away and hide, tried to completely and utterly dismantle what I had put energy in to build. I got this close (fingers together) in succeeding in the destruction. At the brink, I stopped...I swallowed my pride. I quit walking around with my nose so high in the air that if it rained I would drown, climbed off the high horse, and just got back to being me. Thank the powers, that she had the patience and fortitude, strength enough for both of us. I think she had almost given up as well. I do not know what made me call her up a couple nights ago and asked if she wanted to come up and talk. she did though, and we began anew. We contined last night. I was and continue to be raw, and emotional, appearing at times to be weak, but knowing that she is there to listen, and I am here to listen to her as well...to open up, really open up....finding joy and comfort while doing so, fighting and winning against the fear of doing so....well, I can finally say, the pain was worth it, the hurt was worth it....everything I endured and imposed (I think) was worth it for she is again a part of my life fully. I am better than before, but I still have a fuck of a long way to go. With her help, guidance, love, respect...and everything else she brings, I just might be successful. I look forward to our journey. With fear, anticipation, realistically knowing that because I have dna, and bleed red like the rest of you I will fuck up....but knowing she loves me anyway and is willing to help me allows me to have hope and faith. I trust her. I love her and for the first time I actually am beginning to believe she loves me, she must for no one would put up and endure with what I did and still come back. I need her, not just want because I want her too, for she fills and meets things that I can not even explain.... We each search in conversations with each other for words to explain things, without having to do so for at times, often, we just know. I yes, even though I tried to not make it so, am still the luckiest bastard to walk this earth. Finally, just a littlebit, (and because of littlebit) I am beginning to believe that I just might be deserving enough of her. Live well.
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