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when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifestyle ... - 8/20/2007 3:02:03 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings to all

i have family member i trust to tell how it was in the life style of bdsm. we talk for years. well i have found out that i am the laugh stock of the family, i am not ashamed of who i am or what i do. but this is like what was that person thinking? i remember once someone had said never tell your family i should had not told this person but wow what a shock. but i know this i am a far better person then they are with all of my kinky wants and desires. i had just found out about a week ago. i laugh at them they know no happiest no joy at all if this is what they call fun making me the joke. i feel sorry for them i really do but has this happen to anyone here thanks

Mons

Post #: 1

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 3:05:04 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

It hasn't happened to me, but I still think they are a low-life, to tell something that personal about you, which they most likely knew was confidential - and I think they don't even deserve your spite. That is truly a betrayal of the worst kind.

It's bad news, but they really don't deserve for you to allow them to spoil your existence this way. There really isn't anything to do about it now. I wouldn't bother to try to defend myself (but that's just me). Why diginify such behavior by bothering to answer back?

I would make it a point to avoid this person in the future, and if they asked why, I'd certainly tell them why.

I imagine this must be difficult for you, though. My condolences.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/20/2007 3:24:51 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 2

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 3:08:55 AM

southernsubboy

Posts: 41
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

ya, its crushing when someone you trust to tell anything you think you can talk to them about anything in the world, things that youd never tell anyone else. its difficult when you find out your trust has been misplaced, sorry to hear about it.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 3

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 3:57:10 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

It's cruel - to find someone you trusted betrayed you, and to know they all judge without any real knowledge. I'm so so sorry for you - this is the nightmare we all have. Be strong.

(in reply to southernsubboy)

Post #: 4

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 4:37:08 AM

murmur

Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline

guess you just found out who that person really are.. maybe it'll atune your sense of perception about people (even family) and the persons you'll trust next time will be more worthy cause you learned how to choose them better. who knows?
even if betrayal is a thing that nobody can control...
you've seen the light, they didnt.

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 5

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 5:37:40 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I feel empathy for how you must feel--however, we all need to remember, once a secret is told, it is no longer secret.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 6

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 7:17:01 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Mons after everything you've spilled about your family and its dysfunction, it really is a case of you deciding what you will and will not allow to control your sense of self.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 7

RE: when you tell a family member about you BDSM lifest... - 8/20/2007 7:52:03 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

I look at it this way it is no ones business what your into or do.. Family members are the worse ones to keep secretes,. Here is why; sometimes when we are excepting of out of the norm behavior we have to rationalize it
understand it comprehend so like us they tell other people find out why this person likes this or is into it not thinking of what it might do to you...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: when you tell a family member about you BDSM lifest... - 8/20/2007 11:22:28 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

You're not the joke mons this person is who told everyone. They show their lack of understanding if they laugh at you, just smile at them and refuse to talk about it. i would tell them it is a closed subject. People like that deserve NOTHING.

i didn't volunteer any information about my lifestyle but my sister lived with me (12 years ago) and spied on my computer and found out. i asked her to keep it private because i didn't want my children affected by something that was my private business. Needless to say she told everyone and i denied it. Because of her extensive history with alcohol abuse and lies no one believed her and it infuriated her to no end. Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean they automatically can be trusted. She is no longer in my life (that's not the only reason) i won't tolerate any dysfunction around me anymore.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 8/20/2007 11:24:54 AM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 9

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 3:11:02 PM

nmjardine

Posts: 116
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

Damn, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. You have nothing to be ashamed of and now you know who you cannot trust. Try not to let being the brunt of jokes get you down. Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 10

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/20/2007 7:52:20 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

mons,

I have this joke I tell at play parties sometimes:

    This guy came up to me one time, and he was really excited about being in the scene, finally, after having waited years and years. It took him a long time to work up the courage to attend some parties, make new friends, and find a regular playmate.
    He says to me, "Wow, this is all so amazing! I've never realized how close everyone is!"
    "BDSM can be a great group, you know, because it's an inner circle, a bunch of people who you don't have to lie to, or with hold the truth of who you are from." I said.
    "Sort of like one big family?"
    "No," I reply, "I actually like these people."

    I've never opened up to my family. I hate to say it, but they just aren't up to speed with the diversity of the late twentieth century... much less the twenty first. Hell, when a second cousin of mine died in the late 80's from AIDS, all they could do was sit around telling "fag" jokes. They live in their little midwest town, surrounded by people who think just like them, and feel secure that they have a good bead on what life is all about. Like Anne Rice said in one of her books:
    "When you confront people with something that they are unable to understand, or respect, all you do is hurt them, and yourself."
    My suggestion would be to simply distance yourself from them. Let them know, under no uncertain circumstances, that they hurt you. Maybe later, after they wonder why you never come around to visit anymore, they'll rethink their nasty way of treating you.
    (That's the "from the gut" bad advice [plan A}... the "good" advice[plan B] is:)
    Talk to your parents, and let them know that you still love them, even if they think you are a weirdo. Tell them that this way of making love makes you happy, and it makes your partner(s) happy too. Answer any questions they may have, if they pertain to your safety, or the saftey of your partner(s). DON'T get into the gory details. (If they press you, ask them for juicy bit from their bedroom, tit for tat.) If they still can't make you feel welcome, or wanted... revert to plan A.

(in reply to nmjardine)

Post #: 11

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 2:58:17 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

susan greeting

i did that i have not spoken to her at all and never will again she told my nephew. when i was just telling her this unknow to me she was telling them as i talk with her yes she is not longer my family member at all i can not understand why but she will miss me more then i will miss her

,mons

(in reply to bipolarber)

Post #: 12

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 3:16:41 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

Hugs to you mons,
I know it hurts.
You are the same person you were before they knew, but suddenly they see you in a way that they do not understand. It happened to me too, my niece found my corset photos and my entire family knew within hours lol. Now I am discouraged strongly from any family gatherings because I am 'warped'.

Yes it hurts. But the time does come when some folks have to keep their families at a distance and I think this time has come for you.

Hugs again to you,

cjenny/camille

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 13

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 3:20:20 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greeting to all

i thank you all this has been one nightmare she told anyone who would listen and they call a niece who is very close to me and made jokes . this niece told me and she was not shock she she know about me and kept it in her. she made sure she told me but it was hard for hurt she know i would b but this niece who spread it like butter across myfamily i am ok she has lost a dear friend a aunt. i will not speak to her ever again. thank you all so much this mean a great deal to me i will remember who to speak to and whom not to speak to.

thank you all
mons

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 14

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 9:17:36 AM

frazzle40

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

Sorry your family took it badly. Ive been lucky my family although they dont fully understand, are still supportive.

My son is safety call when i meet anyone, when he found out about my quirks, from over hearing a conversation, he went online and read up on it. He still thinks his mum is mad, but is there if i need to talk and for a 19 year old, often sees things that i seem to miss completely.

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 15

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 9:24:06 AM

OedipusRexIt

Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline

The OP's situation seems to make a good case for guarding one's personal life from prying eyes.

Of course, many lifestylers are attracted to the very opposite. They crave your shock, your disbelief, even your ridicule, so long as you just notice and pay attention to them.

I'm sorry that someone the OP trusted proved unworthy. It happens.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to frazzle40)

Post #: 16

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 11:23:16 AM

MasterMike04103

Posts: 143
Joined: 7/24/2004
Status: offline

I know for a while after I came out to my mom she told me how sick and whatnot I was, that she didnt' want me as a part of her family... and spread it to some in the nilla community that I was who I was... and people didn't bat an eyelash as they had grown into the twenty first century and she hadn't... after alot of time educating her, she finally allowed me into her house and to interact with my siblings... I can only hope that in time your family will come around like my mom did for me...

Blessings,

Mike

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)

Post #: 17

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 5:28:52 PM

HypnoticDan

Posts: 463
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline

The alternate solution is don't do anything you'd be embarassed to talk about and/or learn to stop being embarassed about what you do. I can happily talk about anything going on in my life with anybody (afaik) and if anyone laughs I just shrug and say "yeah, maybe, but at least my life is interesting."

(in reply to MasterMike04103)

Post #: 18

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/21/2007 6:18:30 PM

DesireDeeva

Posts: 48
Joined: 10/5/2006
From: IN...livin in MI.
Status: offline

I told both of my parents many yrs.ago, dunno if they told any of my other family members, nor do I care, I find that some family & (non) members who tend 2 thrive on being judgemental towards you , often tend 2 be the biggest hypocrites...
OP, it's a lack of understanding on your relatives part, try not 2 take it personal...

_____________________________

This msg was brought to you in part by....Me, the sensual side of kink.

(in reply to HypnoticDan)

Post #: 19

RE: when you tell a family member about you bdsm lifest... - 8/22/2007 3:08:04 PM

xolarkinxo

Posts: 73
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I find that some family & (non) members who tend 2 thrive on being judgemental towards you , often tend 2 be the biggest hypocrites...

I agree....lol. My sister was the one to make a joke about my interests at Thankgiving dinner one year. Should have expected it...we call her the BBC and she knows it. Then about a year later she started telling me her own interests and I helped her figure out she is a switch.

(in reply to DesireDeeva)

Post #: 20

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