Explaining D/s to those who don't know

Explaining D/s to those who don't know (Full Version)

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ultimatesubbie -> Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 3:51:19 PM)
I have to go to court tomorrow to face my former Dom who beat me (he's charged with three felony assault charges). The States Attorney phoned me today and told me to be prepared as his defense was based upon our lifestyle. It is going to be a very difficult day and I am so afraid. Any advice? I told the attorney about "safe, sane, and consensual" and also about the fact that I used my safe word at least a half dozen times. Thanks!

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 3:54:21 PM)
Did you direct him to these forums to do a bit of research?

proudsub -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 3:55:11 PM)
Good luck with it. Please let us know the outcome.

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:09:56 PM)
I did but they still told me that he will do his best to completely humiliate me. The last time we were in court I could not stop shaking.

Rover -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:11:13 PM)
To begin, the state attorney should know the particular laws in your state which would have implications on your case. Particularly spousal abuse laws. Generally speaking, no one can consent to their own assault, which is why impact play is (generally) illegal in most states. Consequently, your consent would have no bearing on the case whatsoever. And you might want to direct the attorney to the NCSF website at http://www.ncsfreedom.org/ John

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:14:18 PM)
Thank you for the advice! Oh, why is the word vanilla appearing next to me?

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:28:09 PM)
i wish you the best of luck with this hugs

missbehaeven -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:35:34 PM)
Hello ultimatesubbie, I'm sorry for what you went through and hope you're healing physically and emotionally. Is there someone who will accompany you for support, whether it be a close friend/family member/or a woman's advocate? A number of years ago, I went through a difficult break-up with my ex-fiance, and it culminated in my needing a restraining order. At the courthouse were women from a local domestic abuse shelter whose role there was to offer emotional support and direction through the legal system. They were wonderful to me, helping me with paperwork and with approaching the judge, even though mine was not an abusive relationship I was leaving..(It was more that I was worried my ex would do something impulsive to himself and me after a threat to make sure we ended up together always) If family and friends are going to be there, I'd take a few minutes and tell them what sort of questioning is going to be directed towards you, if they're not aware of your lifestyle choices... Not because you need to explain yourself, but because it's better to hear it from you rather than the distorted tripe your ex and his defense attorney may try and turn it into. Also, keep in mind that the state must feel there is sufficient evidence to bring to trial if they've brought three indictments against him. Also, you'll have your day in court and get to tell your side of things. For some there is reward in that because most abusers don't believe the person they've abused has the guts and courage to face them. I'm with proudsub...Please let us know how it turns out....miss

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:43:44 PM)
They do have an advocate that will accompany me. Her name is Christine and I met her today. I have not invited any friends or family and feel this is something I have to face alone. Thank you so very much for your words of hope and encouragement. I will post to everyone on the outcome.

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:45:27 PM)
BTW - my name is Anna - and thank you all for your wonderful words and advice.

litleone8620 -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:47:44 PM)
The thingymajob under your name is just a little avatar showing how many posts you've made. As you post more and more, the thingymajobs change. And good luck with the trial. I look forward to reading the outcome.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:53:01 PM)
Rover is right. Impact play, even consentual, is not legal. By blaming your lifestyle for his actions, he might be tantamount to shooting himself in the foot. He admits to haveing broken the law, but thought it owul be ok because you liked it. That MIGHT have washed once, with a really dumb jjury. After a second and third time, its obvious that you did not consent and he contiued. Do not worry about shaking. You are afraid. Anyone seeing that reaction from you will understand it. If you were consenting to his treatment of you, and then decided to turn it around on you... you wouldnt be afraid of him. True fear is hard to fake, and it furthers your point. This was not soemthing you wanted. Just remember, you are safe now. He cannot hurt you again, and you have it in your pwoer to make sure he doesnt hurt someone else. Good luck. DV

SusanofO -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 4:59:12 PM)
The key word here is consensual. But as has already been mentioned, physical abuse is against the law. If you did not specifically ask for him to beat you up, then you may have an even stronger case (but maybe not, it certainly depends on then judge and jurisdisction, and most of them, I am guessing, are not too keen on kink). In any case, he is likely in trouble. It can definitely boil down to his word against yours, though, so if you told anyone what happened that day, or immediately following the incident, and can have them testify, that would be great. Can you prove you asked him to stop, or otherwise objected? Did you tell anyone closely following the incident, about what had happened? This can be key. This happened to me, and I had a friend of mine testify that I called her immediately after the incident, and asked her to come and get me, because I was moving out of my ex-Doms house (which she did) . Something like that, or any evidence you objected, (or that he beat you) would be the idea. Pics of any bruises resulting on you from this beating would be good to have with you as well. Good luck, no matter what happens, let us know what happened, please. - Susan

Mercnbeth -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:01:07 PM)
quote: I told the attorney about "safe, sane, and consensual" and also about the fact that I used my safe word at least a half dozen times. Referencing SSC as a point in a courtroom would be meaningless. They do not imply or grant any immunity to the transgressor. SSC doesn't have a legal definition. It won't protect him an more than your "safe-word" protected you. But that should be seen as a good thing. There is no amnesty against an assault charge just because you gave permission. You can't give permission. Think of it in the extreme; you could never grant permission for someone else to kill you. Dr. Kevorkian had written permission and he still went to jail. Hopefully, the prosecuting attorney will have enough sense to not make your personal preferences an issue. Deflect some of the humiliation by using your assigned 'advocate' as a role playing partner. Hopefully the judge won't allow irrelevant salacious testimony and limit the focus to the reason charges were brought.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:06:06 PM)
Here's some great reading/reference material from the net! I actually gave these to the last person I was involved with LD as a reading assignment. The first link has a Check list of things. You can share with the court that websites such as this are set up to deal with this very topic in the BDSM lifestyle. That true abuse is not part of what is agreed upon... http://www.wingsoffiresurvivors.com/home.htm http://www.wingsoffiresurvivors.com/domviolence.htm Abuse by Kuma Abuse in BDSM by SilverOz Abuse vs. Erotic Power Exchange by The POWERotics Foundation Abuse in the Lifestyle by shani* Abusers Among Us by Mistress Steel My Thoughts on D/s vs. Abuse by flower Positive Abuse Survivors by Xena Nuna Safe by Mistress Steel The Connection Between Kink and Abuse

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:19:18 PM)
Thank you - the police took several photos. He broke a bone in my left eye and broke my nose. It was not pretty. The attorney did ask me today if I used my safe word so they have either done their research or are familiar for other reasons.

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:24:18 PM)
DV, Thank you so much for responding. I agree and hope for the best tomorrow.

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:30:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ultimatesubbie Thank you - the police took several photos. He broke a bone in my left eye and broke my nose. It was not pretty. The attorney did ask me today if I used my safe word so they have either done their research or are familiar for other reasons. Gee, this is a shame because many of us DOM actually practive how to slap or hit somebody where it does not cause permanant damage, and know better. How long as he been in the lifestyle? This could be a point that could be made in court, that he intentionally hit you with the "intention of causing Damage" and "that it was not Erotic Pain for play". How the Hell he expects to pass this off as controlled erotic pain is Crazy. It's like somebody that is involved with martial arts! They know how to hit to cause damage to somebody and simply how to hit in a manner that won't. It's important to know these things. I believe people in BDSM should be held accountable to the same level as those with Martial Arts skills. Then they could not even dream about trying to covering things up like this...

FyreAngel -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:52:29 PM)
What about restraining orders? How do those things work?

ultimatesubbie -> RE: Explaining D/s to those who don't know (8/20/2007 5:59:23 PM)
I have a five year restraining order in place but he still haunts me - in subtle ways to evade any law enforcement. He will leave a rose on my windshield while I am at work or drive by me in the opposite direction while I am on my way home. He makes it very clear that he is aware of me.

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