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MadameMarque -> RE: Communication about Humiliation (8/21/2007 2:10:04 PM)
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If someone were to tell me, 'I'm looking for creative verbal and physical humiliation,' I would ask him to tell me one of his fantasies. (I'm not a pro, but of course, that's not the point...)
I would want to draw out more of the character of the dynamic that really works for you.
I might ask, for example:
When you imagine that happening,...
what sorts of things is the dominant saying to you?
what do you imagine the dominant's attitude to be? For example, is she angry, or cold and distant, or amused by you, or business-like, or like she's ridiculing you, or...?
what do you imagine your feelings to be? (For example, anxious, embarrassed, ashamed, pressured, fearful, helpless...?) What are you doing, while all this is happening?
Describe the setting and scenario (she comes and drags you out of bed, in the middle of the night; she humiliates you in front of others, in a business setting; you are just a piece of furniture she uses, and she makes remarks aloud, to no one in particular, that embarrass you...You're naked and she's dressed; she's naked and you are forced to act as if she's not, or you are ridiculed for looking at her; she's beautifully dressed and you have rags on; you are dressed in a servant's uniform...She's a mother figure; she's your pampered girlfriend; she's a doctor who makes you do humiliating things...?) You may not want to fantasize the situation, at all - you want to work from the real situation, as it's happening. But what is the nature of the humiliation?
My point is, not that you have to pick one of those, but that there are many, many things a person could be picturing, when they say, "verbal and physical humiliation," and as you're finding, if you don't have the right dynamic, the right sense of it, with someone, it won't necessarily work, for you.
I would want to know at least one of your fantasies - not to copy it, like a script, but to understand the sort of underlying dynamic that works for you. For example, you might be very excited to be made into a pony or a dining table or a day laborer, but in all those fantasies, you'd want the dominant to be elegant and act as if she so totally owns you, that she demands you be a perfectly still table, that you not ruin her pony ride by needing to rest, that you not sweat in her presence, while working at her feet...In this example, the scenarios are different, but there is an underlying dynamic that works, for the submissive. The dominant needs to understand the heart, the core elements, of your fantasies, that are the parts that make it work. These elements of the fantasy that you cannot do without, are the question; then a dominant can get creative. There may be more than one that works, for you. But perhaps you begin to get the idea.
The pro wants to tap into the stuff that does it for you. The dominant who does it for her (or his) own pleasure, also wants to know what excites the submissive. Knowing how you work, inside, and what works for you, tells the dominant, for one thing, whether or not you're compatible. Secondly, it is a tool, which, should she choose and you allow, she may use to elicit the responses she wants, from you. How can you dominate someone, if you don't understand their nature?
A word about telling your fantasies to a dominant: Revealing your fantasies to another, so that they can use them, can be a scene, in itself.
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