Bobkgin
Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
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As most everyone knows, there is a lot of non-consensual manipulation on any bdsm board.
Whether it is the wannabes, or a clique of posters who bully their way around the boards, there are more than enough people who see nothing wrong with non-consensual manipulation: providing they are the ones doing the manipulating.
Their targets: anyone with insecurities and/or low self-esteem.
While it is debatable whether those with insecurities and low self-esteem should even engage in bdsm, the fact remains they -are- here, they will seek, and they will likely find someone.
Whether that "someone" is a god-send or an abuser is another matter.
The first step in handling manipulators (there is no avoiding them) is to have as clear an idea as possible about who you are and what you want.
Who you are:
Those with insecurities and/or low self-esteem have a horrible time with this question. For whatever reason, they have a biased view of themselves, quite often deeming themselves lucky to have anyone at all and quite willing to change anything in order to obtain approval from others.
Not good. This is how you get manipulated into all sorts of things you never wanted to experience and never dreamed anyone would seek from you.
There is an enormous difference between someone who will do anything because that's what they want, and someone who will do anything to attract a partner.
Don't be the latter. That's how you end up getting abused. And then you blame yourself for the abuse (after all you agreed, right?). This further reduces your self-esteem, and the cycle comes full circle when you do it all over again.
To avoid this, make a pact with yourself to decide what you want and to stick to it no matter how many people say "I'd want you if only this were different".
Those people are not leading you to your dream.
What you want:
This is essentially a two-day process.
The first day, write down all the qualities you want to find in your partner. Nothing is too insignificant, nothing is too unreasonable. It is your dream list, and you should prepare it with pride and confidence.
Read it over through the day, adding or changing whatever seems appropriate for you.
Then sleep on it.
Next day, read that list again. Is everything there? You are bound to find things you overlooked. Perhaps these are things you felt no one should expect: expect it anyway.
Make that list as complete as possible: it is your checklist, not just for the partner of your dreams, but also to ward off those who will pressure you to accept them instead.
Running the ad:
Bottom line - the checklist is the ad. You can post it as is, or write it out in prose and poetry. You needn't include everything on your list, but everything on your list will still count for you. Remember your pact to yourself. This is how you keep yourself from being lured with promises of companionship if only you'd do things you don't really want to do.
Expect everyone to say they like what you like. No way to tell the real from the fake at this point. They will all say they like what you wrote.
So before you answer, do a little homework.
Examine their profile:
- If it lacks details, that is a stroke against them. They can just as easily answer -any- ad as yours with no details posted.
- Interests listed that you want to avoid, another stroke against them. Perhaps they're flexible about those activities, or perhaps they didn't bother to read your ad, or they don't care what you want. Be wary.
- Age, location, appearance etc, compare with your checklist.
- If they don't have a picture, ask for one. Do not make -any- committment without one.
Inquiries and Responses:
Manners always count. be sure to use yours, and expect it from others. You don't belong to anyone but yourself, and have assumed no role in anyone's life. You should be treated as such, regardless of what your ad says.
It is up to you to give others permission to treat you differently. They should know this if they know what they are doing.
Aside from what many people have said, short introductory notes are fine as long as they are directing you to read a detailed profile/journal. Keep in mind those who are seriously searching will have put the time in on their profile, and it is unreasonable to expect them to re-write it when introducing themselves to you.
Whatever you send out, re-read it twice to be sure you've weeded out anything that sounds desperate or needy. Your search only requires one promise from you eventually: to meet the person who fits your checklist. Don't issue any other promise, nor make promises to meet anyone else.
Bear in mind the only way anyone is going to trust you is by the promises you keep. Show that your word means a lot to you and their trust will be easier to obtain.
If you must break a promise to meet, do so before the date and request a new date (assuming you are not breaking your promise because you've just discovered the individual in question is not the right choice). If you were forced to break a promise without being able to give notice, apologize as soon as possible, explain the cause (assuming discretion permits it) and request a new date.
While no promise should be broken, it is not always possible to keep them. Be sure you limit yourself to only one such incident per individual, as a pattern of broken promises will not give the individual in question much reason to believe you.
This is one good reason for making promises as scarce as possible.
Requests:
No doubt there will be plenty of these, from pictures to online sex to webcams to ...
Consider the degree of familiarity that exists when the request is made. Do you feel comfortable agreeing to this, or are you doing it to keep their interest?
Avoid the latter.
You should never agree to a request with which you are uncomfortable.
Bear in mind there is nothing wrong with a request (depending upon the way in which it is asked), and there is nothing wrong with refusing a request.
It is strictly a matter of your comfort level.
Temptations / changing your mind:
There is no easy way to address this topic.
I said earlier that your checklist was your way of avoiding being abused and/or used.
However, you are going to be tempted to change your mind from time to time.
It may be new ideas that appeal to you. It may be a bout of loneliness that weakens your resolve. It may be the individual is playing on your insecurities.
Whatever you do, do not change your checklist without a struggle.
I suggest that whatever changes you might wish to make should go through that two-day process you used to generate the checklist in the first place. Give serious thought to why you wrote the checklist the way you did and how the changes will affect the outcome for you: will you be happy with that person living that way?
This is not to say you should never change your checklist, only to recognize that it is in these changes that the potential for undesirable results exists.
So be careful with this.
Self-esteem:
There really is no substitute for self-esteem. If you think poorly of yourself, spend some time working out why you feel this way. Perhaps writing out a list of qualities that cause you to think this way. Now put yourself in the shoes of your best friend and look over that list, and imagine what he or she would say were he or she reading it.
Hearing a lot of disagreement? Most likely. Those with low self-esteem rarely deserve to feel as they do. But through a variety of means they have been taught that their opinion of themselves is less important than the opinion of others. They fail to take into account their accomplishments, and magnify their mistakes. They tend to blame themselves for the faults of others, and certainly focus on their own faults almost to the exclusion of any good qualities they have.
We all have faults. We all stumble. We all make mistakes from time to time. Do not hold your humanity against you. If you are not a vicious person, have not gone out of your way to hurt others, wish to love and be loved, you have many excellent qualities that you should value. Are you good with children and pets? Do you want to help those in need? You cry and laugh at all the appropriate points in a movie? Look at all the little things you do to make the lives of others more enjoyable, and you will find someone worth knowing, worth loving.
Embrace who you are, and who you want to become.
And keep in mind something I like to believe (whether it be true or not, no one ever knows):
Somewhere out there is your partner, and he or she is feeling just as empty and lonely as you, because you aren't in his or her life. That's the person you are looking for. That's your Beloved. If you give up, or settle for less, your Beloved wanders the earth without you, always missing you. And you cannot achieve all you can be with someone who is not suited for you.
That's why you make a pact with yourself to stick with your checklist: to find your Beloved and so your Beloved can find you.
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Will this protect everyone? Probably not. Human interactions are the most complex and there is no catagorizing all of those which can lead to abuse.
But I do believe the advice above will help some find the path to a healthier self-image and thus be less vulnerable to manipulation.
Wishing you a safe journey through life.
< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 8/21/2007 10:38:43 AM >
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Non-consensual Manipulation: A Survival Guide (O.O) - 
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