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From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 3:47:51 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Big news bulliten here, for Those who haven't picked up on it already.
 
I met a submissive who is now in My life.  He is the right mix of masochist and service oriented sub that fits Me rather well.  For a play partner, he is wonderful.  Very adventurous and fun.  On a personal level, he is very kind, thoughtful, and considerate. 
 
(Here's the part where I eat a little crow.)
 
On other levels, there are some drawbacks.  For starters, he is here for a limited amount of time (several months).  Also, he is married (yes, spoke to the wife for consent) so there will be no sexual service of any kind.  All My posts about My long hair fetish....... crewcut.
 
The above is just the background information.  What My real question is would be this.....  How long would Anyone recommend the period of time be between consideration and contract?  (A very specific difference to Me, rather than a collar, due to the reasons stated above.)  At this time, W/we do have something of an unwritten, verbal contract, as he already considers himself owned, and happy to be so.  Is a contract really necessary in this situation?  Being as One who has always been more of a collaring, more than a contracting type, would Anyone like to share their contract experience?
 
Just My musings for the day.  My thanks to Those who take the time to respond.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 5:00:04 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Ma`am. Does it matter if he has a contract or a collar, providing you both have an agreement and know where you stand ?  If so how about a temporary contract or collar of Your chosing ?

my thoughts are, if you are both content, why sweat it ?

Congratulations by the way

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 5:37:31 PM   
Aimtoplease101


Posts: 319
Joined: 2/8/2006
From: San Diego, California
Status: offline 		One of the features of contracts is that they can always be amended by the participating parties.

Some people enjoy the ritual of a contract, and the commitment it represents.

My suggestion is that, if you want one, start with something very simple to begin with.  You've already identified some of the elements-- discipline, service, no sex, etc.  You can modify the contract as the relationship grows and you identify other aspects that you want to commit to writing.

Regards, ATP

_____________________________

Pleasing you pleases me.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 8:41:54 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Congratulations on finding a compatible person!

In my opinion, the salient utility of a contract is that it facilitates communication about expectations. I don't see myself suggesting a contract but would be open to it if it was important to the domme.

The contract also serves as a ritual to symbolize a milestone in the relationship, which is sometimes also done with a collar. It seems you see a collar as a larger ritual or commitment and are not yet ready to consider it, and instead are considering a contract for such a ritual.

If things change and if you prefer a collar but like the communication tool a contract provides, both can be done. I think the ritual is secondary to the relationship level. That is, I think a contract or collar without the appropriate relationship level carries little value, whereas an appropriate relationship level with good communication carries value even without the rituals of a contract or collar.

Then the question is that how long does it take to develop this relationship level. While there might be periods of time that people might suggest, I think the answer varies based on circumstances (limited amount of time near you), degree of compatibility, and the type of relationship sought. Also, if a contract and collar is awarded, it can be done indefinitely or for a finite amount of time after which it may or may not be renewed. Thus, the duration envisioned for the contract or collar is also relevant.

I think your instincts will help you make the call. That is what I will rely upon when the situations presents itself to me.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 8/21/2007 8:47:26 PM >

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 9:39:35 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		Congratulations Lady Pact!
I'm truly happy for your success in finding someone that fits in some way with your particular situation and desires.  
 
Since his length of service will be rather limited in duration, spending a lot of time drafting a detailed contract might be something of a real waste of time (of course it could be an assignment for him to handle); espcially if you feel you already have good communication to begin with and a basic outline already going of what is expected.  I suspect that both of you might be satisfied with the offer of something you might label as a "Service Collar" for the duration of your association.  I'm confident that your new boy will cherish it for a very long time to come.
 
 - pixel
 
   Collared to Majik
 


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/21/2007 10:30:42 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Congrats Lady Pact. Sorry it's not a 100% ideal match ... but that's sometimes a pipe dream! To Me, there's no definitive time for moving from exploring to consideration to something more serious, it really does depend on the people and the cirumstances involved. You are an experienced and eminently sensible Domme, and it sounds as if the situation is open, transparent and well negotiated between mature people. Therefore, there is less need to go as slowly as I would recommend between newbies or younger folk with less life experience. Contract or service collar as pixel suggested ... whichever suits You best ... as long as the understanding is clear between the both of you ... that's what really matters. I hope it all goes brilliantly!

Any chance of him growing his hair while he's with You?? *grin*

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to pixelslave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/22/2007 9:13:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		My thanks to everyone who took the time to respond.  All of you made Me smile, and I certainly appreciate that.
 
Though We're all here on this wonderful BDSM site of CM, sometimes the random thoughts of our (gasp) human-ness come through.  This is one of these.  Though I've absolutely explored some of these aspects before (the no sexual contact being the most prevalent) it is My first dive into the realm of a finite situation.  One with a beginning, and most specific end.  I think that is why the concept on a contract came immediately to My mind.
 
Very glad to hear everyone's thoughts on this.  I especially liked the idea of a service collar.  I hadn't thought of it that way before.  Another gasp!  A Domme who admits She doesn't know everything.  What is the world of CM coming to?

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/22/2007 12:46:07 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		You've already stated that he's only here for a short time, so anyone's recommendations are really going to be moot.  You need to do what you need to do!!!

My timeframe (and that of my "family") before collaring and going into a contract is generally 6 months from the time that we decide we're interested in one another and wish to pursue something exclusive.  It's a time for stripping away the barriers, building trust and getting to know one another, akin to a courtship.  After I delve into goals and desires between us, we share a written agreement spelling out expectations -- it's a bilateral agreement.  I guess you could say that's a contract as well. 

I think that by 6 months, someone has become comfortable, is no longer "on their best behavior" and you've come to know their true self, so important to see before you'd extend a collar to them.  I'm looking long term though, so someone seeking a different arrangement might have a different perspective.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/22/2007 1:14:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'd be very happy to hear more about the bilateral agreements, or see a written copy, if you might have the time.  Thank you for the reply.

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/22/2007 4:17:01 PM   
onmykneesforhim


Posts: 112
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		  Hi Lady Pact,
I do love reading your many posts, also congatualations!
But just a thought, an opinion really, that a collar is a state of mind, not a peice of paper or a physical collar, even some go as far as burning or marking.
    It can be whatever you and the agreed sub have between you. One never has to end this realtionship, it might just change a bit in time. Communication is probably the best collar you can have.
much luck.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'd be very happy to hear more about the bilateral agreements, or see a written copy, if you might have the time.  Thank you for the reply.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/22/2007 4:35:39 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		How very sweet of you, onmykneesforhim.  Thank you for the kind words and such a gentle reminder.  Your warm thoughts are appreciated.

(in reply to onmykneesforhim)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/23/2007 8:22:49 AM   
scottyguy506


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline 		my question is how did you get his wifes approval for this arrangement,and how often do you meet this guy,the no sex thing is also good, wished my wife would agree with me seeing a Dominant Mistress,well I can always hope,maybe you can talk to her??

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/23/2007 8:43:22 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Big news bulliten here, for Those who haven't picked up on it already.
 
I met a submissive who is now in My life.  He is the right mix of masochist and service oriented sub that fits Me rather well.  For a play partner, he is wonderful.  Very adventurous and fun.  On a personal level, he is very kind, thoughtful, and considerate. 
 
(Here's the part where I eat a little crow.)
 
On other levels, there are some drawbacks.  For starters, he is here for a limited amount of time (several months).  Also, he is married (yes, spoke to the wife for consent) so there will be no sexual service of any kind.  All My posts about My long hair fetish....... crewcut.
 
The above is just the background information.  What My real question is would be this.....  How long would Anyone recommend the period of time be between consideration and contract?  (A very specific difference to Me, rather than a collar, due to the reasons stated above.)  At this time, W/we do have something of an unwritten, verbal contract, as he already considers himself owned, and happy to be so.  Is a contract really necessary in this situation?  Being as One who has always been more of a collaring, more than a contracting type, would Anyone like to share their contract experience?
 
Just My musings for the day.  My thanks to Those who take the time to respond.



Punk and I have have gone through several stages and had different types of collars. Our contract is through Our hearts.
Its not written or an oral contact its just one of Love and Commitment.

The same goes for the submissives in My life also.
While some need a contract to keep themselves inline( a working tool for life).
A great many dont need one.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: From Consideration to Contract - 8/23/2007 7:14:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: scottyguy506

my question is how did you get his wifes approval for this arrangement,and how often do you meet this guy,the no sex thing is also good, wished my wife would agree with me seeing a Dominant Mistress,well I can always hope,maybe you can talk to her??


Because of the distance issue, I had to settle for verifying the home number and calling her that way.  She's a very pleasant woman and I hope to meet her in person in the following months when she visits here.
 
How often We meet varies, due to the strange work schedule I have.  Minimum is once a week for sessions.  The most recent was last Monday and the next will be Saturday at a slave auction here locally.  We have contact daily.
 
If your wife is opposed to the idea, I doubt My talking to her would do much good.  Just My personal opinion, but I think marriage decisions should be made between the partners.  Have you ever considered some books that might make her more open to the idea?  There's a very good section in BDSM 101 for spouses learning about the lifestyle and ways it can be incorporated slowly.  I'm sure others can recommend other titles as well. 
 
Best of luck to you.
 
MistressSassy, thank you for your comments.  I appreciate your response.

(in reply to scottyguy506)
Profile   Post #: 14
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