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WhiplashSmile -> RE: Am I trying to top from the bottom? (8/22/2007 4:11:45 PM)
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Does not matter if you feel you are trying to top from the bottom or not.
I can't speak for other Domly Dom's but whenever I feel or have the preception that a submissive is trying to Top me from the bottom. I will make her aware of what she is doing (top from the bottom), then want to get into the reasons why.
Basically, this sends a clear message that something just ain't right to us Doms. What you are going through is perfectly natural and normal, that is if you ask me.
It's not like you are trying to gain power or control over your Dom, now are you? Hahahah.. Basically, I would not view or look at this as a Topping from the Bottom situation going on. Some people will or do though, it's all a matter of perspective or point of view.
Basically, since your Dom has not been playing with you and using you, in a sense he is loosing control over you, or will be if this continues. Many people talk in terms of submission as if it were some form of Never Ending, Never Dieing Love and Devotion. Sure, it great to have and hold onto romantic dreams and aspirations. However, these romantic ideals don't always work out in reality.
What's the point to a BDSM lifestyle relationship when you actually are not doing very much BDSM. Basically, how different is your relationship compared to a sexless vanilla one?
There may be problems or issues that need to addressed to fix things between you two. Basically you and him have to be able to deal with the root causes of the problem. While I do not know for certain, how you describe this is, you have expressed this several times now. He listens and nothing changes. It sounds like you are starting to get frustrated. You have reached a point, where if you keep pressing this issue, you know you will be coming off pushy about it. You perhaps feel a little resentment for being in a situation where you feel you are at risk of being a pushy submissive. Hence, your strong connection to this being a "topping from the bottom" issue.
At times, people won't bother trying to fix a problem unless push does come to shove. It sounds like you sitting in silence won't fix or change a damn thing. It also sounds like you have tried talking to him about this already, and nothing has changed. It's sounds like you are reaching a point where you will be speaking your mind, but you are at risk of not being so polite and respectful about it when you do. Sure, It's understandable you don't want to come off like a bitch from Hell. You don't want to come off asserting your wants or needs over whatever personal he has in using you. Look at this way. Basically it's coming down to this... your burning desire to live the BDSM lifestyle VS. his emotional, mental, physical issues in having a BDSM lifestyle with you.
Face it, if you don't have much of a BDSM lifestyle together, why worry about issues such as topping from the bottom anymore? There is a problem that is standing in the way of having a BDSM lifestyle together. This is a core issue, not a matter of topping from the bottom over what Movie to see, or TV to watch, or what to eat for Dinner. It's not like you are trying to take control over the relationship either.
Basically, you are wanting to take control of the problem. A problem that is supposed to be something for him to take control of. Simply saying Yup there's a problem and doing nothing about it, does not make the problem go away.
I can understand your frustration, would not suprise me one bit you are start to feel a somewhat building resentment either. After all, you being placed in a position of having to be the one to deal with the problem now.
I really don't know your whole situation or history. I'm just tossing out some thoughts I have regarding the things you expressed in your post.
You could simply request to have a "Vanilla style" conversation for the sake of talking about the problem. Basically, this temporary leveling of the playing field for communication to happen. This you two can talk without trying to both adhere to any set protocals in place. There are times, when people get to wrapped up in protocal bullshit that they can't see past their own nose, to save their life. Again, is simply a suggestion, for you to ask or request for a "Vanilla style" sit down talk, afterwards resume the D/s roles. Some Doms allow this, other do not. Again, different strokes for different folks.
Another thing to perhaps try, is sit down and write out a letter to him. Explain your thoughts and feelings, that this is becoming more than you can take. That it's not your intention to try to top from the bottom. Explain to him the challenges and issues you are dealing with now. If anything, the excerise of writting a letter helps you organize your own thoughts, feeling and concerns better. Take you time, and make certain you cover and say everything you need say. Most importantly don't forget the good things you have to say as well. Some people sit down and write a letter with a completely negative focus. This is not good. Remember you are trying to fix a problem, not beat somebody up. You need to express the wonderful reasons why you value him and the relationship. You also need to express the problems that are threatening it as well.
Hope this was of some help. Again, this is the advice I can give you based on the things you shared.
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