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Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 11:06:51 AM   
Longing4Pain


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline 		Hello and thank you for reading this. My husband means the world to me--I can't imagine my life without him. But he is an inexperienced and sometimes reluctant dom. I've been comfortable with myself being a pain slut for years, but this is his first BDSM relationship. He wants to make me happy, and I can see that he has a dominent personality and would like this lifestyle if he knew more about it. What can I do to encourage him? How have other doms found themselves? Books? Webpages? ANYTHING! He's constantly asking me what I want him to do, but telling him makes me the one in control and the entire reason I'm a slave is because I don't want control. As far as what I'm into, my favorite activities include: tortue/rape/violent play, whipping, cutting, verbal humiliation and bondage. He enjoys using his belt on me, but just isn't confident enough in himself to take the next step and truely dominate me. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time. Peace. Love. Pain.
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 11:21:11 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Definitely check out the first link.

Married Sub Confused

How to Introduce Power Exchange to a Spouse

My Wife


(in reply to Longing4Pain)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 11:52:56 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		How often does he get mad? Does he have any demands for food, beer, and a clean house? As of now I do know what you mean by being a Masochistic Dom. However, that's not what you want.

Have him watch a few boot camp documentries on Drill Sergents. Do all the chores, cooking, and such and ask for a spanking as a reward.

Here is another idea that involves you to spoil him.
Even when he dosn't ask, serve food and drink. Always answer the phone for him. Make him spoiled. Give massages, lots of sex including oral, and keep his clothes nice and neat. Then one day, slack off a little and start getting away with not doing stuff. If he misses being spoiled, he'll start asking "What the fuck bitch? It's time to put you back in your place."

With the information that you have given that's all I can advise. Perhaps one day we can meet in person where I will be able get to the root of the problem.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 12:09:16 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		When I first got on here I was very new to the scene and posed a similar question. I got lots of good advice and I'm sure you will too. Most of what was repeated was communication! Something I read in another (I don't remember which ) got me thinking." Slaves are expected to be be trained, but Doms are expected to be born that way". That's not Ver batum,but close enough. It was said sarcastically, because I think, that what most of us slaves/subs think. Fact is being a Dom doesn't always come naturally or easily. They need to learn same as we. I myself still have a great deal of trouble communicating myself,leading to much disappointment. I do know the more in depth you explain yourself to your Dom,the more you will both enjoy it. It seems as though because we want to be dominated that explaining what we want would take away the feeling of being owned but thats not true. Sometime when ya'll aren't in a scene and just hanging out discuss it.Give it time to set and the next he'll know what you want. I've also found keeping a journal of my fantasys for him to read at his leasure REALLY helps get past those akward parts.

Ok that was long and boring but hopefully it helped. Best of Luck-----Lady

(in reply to Longing4Pain)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 12:22:27 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Maybe it's just the way i read this, but I see two things here:

1. you say he asks what you want
2. you describe him as reluctant

So when I put that together it looks like he doesn't want to do what you want and now you're looking for ideas to get around that. Makes me think that in spite of your claims of not wanting to take control you're doing exactly that.

So, if he enjoys using his belt on you then you should be happy with that instead of complaining that he doesn't do more because you may end up not even getting the belt if you make him feel inadequate for doing what he wants. What's worse is you even describe it as not "truly dominating", and that is just a a screwed up attitude on your part because being dominated isn't defined by getting what you want. Just remember -- he's the boss, not you, so if he want's to do more then that's good and if not then that's up to him.


< Message edited by happypervert -- 7/7/2005 12:34:15 PM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 5:03:49 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Since making the previous post I realize that there is a semantic problem with the original post. She talks as if the problem is domination, but the real problem is that he's not enough of a sadist.

I can see two options here:

1. Maybe he'll develop a taste for some of the other things she wants if he gets bored beating her with a belt
2. Maybe he can be persuaded to let somebody else beat the hell out of her if he doesn't want to.

One thing is for sure -- you won't turn him into a sadist by nagging him and there is no magic wand you can wave either. But since he knows what you want it is still his choice to either do it or not.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 5:11:33 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Get thee to a nunnery!
(Or rather, help him find a Mentor.)

Having a real-time, honest to goodness Mentor can do wonders for a new dominant. It gives him someone to talk with regarding dominant issues and techniques while keeping you from feeling that you are controlling his behaviors.

It's going to take him time...be patient.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to Longing4Pain)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 5:58:05 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert


So, if he enjoys using his belt on you then you should be happy with that instead of complaining that he doesn't do more because you may end up not even getting the belt if you make him feel inadequate for doing what he wants. What's worse is you even describe it as not "truly dominating", and that is just a a screwed up attitude on your part because being dominated isn't defined by getting what you want. Just remember -- he's the boss, not you, so if he want's to do more then that's good and if not then that's up to him.



i find this opinion/thought VERY refreshing.
All of us forget that we are people first and foremost, not something from a textbook, a fantasy or of someone's shoes.....
making someone (a dom but mostly a MAN) feel inadequate is taking control.
just my thots

~~shy

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 6:53:44 PM   
oceanprincess


Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		When my Dom and I first started out, he was that way too. I had to tell him what to do, what I wanted. It's kind of like the sub training the Dom, training the sub. We trained each other. If you want certain things out of him, then start showing him what you what and how you want it. If you want him to grab the back of your neck, or pull your hair, then tell him that you would like for him to do that to you and just where to place his hands and fingers and how hard to pull your hair.

When he asks you what show him, tell him to do it to you, push him, and he will begin to push back. Trust me on this, it works. I had to push my Dom to do things to me in the beginning, to make me sit, kneeling in front of him, quietly. Also to get punished, I love to be punished sometimes, lol.

Yes, it is somewhat what they call "topping from the bottom," but in the beginning, and when you want more out of your relationship, you have to. Yes, books do help, check amazon.com and type in bdsm, you would be amazed at the books that come up on there. Also he would benefit from talking with other Doms, and you also, either chatting with other Doms or subs.

Good luck, and I hope I could help.

ocean

(in reply to Longing4Pain)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/7/2005 7:10:59 PM   
Raphael


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

Since making the previous post I realize that there is a semantic problem with the original post. She talks as if the problem is domination, but the real problem is that he's not enough of a sadist.



Bingo.

(in reply to happypervert)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/10/2005 4:24:58 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Several adages come to mind here....

One is that water finds it's own level. You've shown him the lifestyle and that you're a willing member of that lifestyle but still he's not embracing it as you'd hope. Another adage is that you can't make a race horse out of a plough horse....

Having a dominant personality is an excellent dominant's trait but does not make him a Dom. Unfortunately, it sounds like the bit of domination (using his belt) he is giving you is more about pleasing you than himself.... I doubt it's truly a lack of confidence holding him back given the environment you're providing. IE, both introducing knowledge of the lifestyle to him as well as being a willing, loving sub for him to "practice" on! What more could a novice Dom ask for - if he were a Dom?

Sorry, but I suspect you're gonna have to accept and love him for who he really is rather than what you'd like him to be. You've shown him your desires but if he doesn't share them as his own personal need, too, the relationship is gonna feel the strain if you keep pushing him.

But take my advice for what it is - I've NEVER subscribed to the ridiculous notion that you can teach someone to be a Dom (or sub). You can teach anyone to tie knots or use a flogger etc, such as a belt, though! Re the title of this thread - it's not that he's unwilling (apparently); it's that he's unable....

Focus50.

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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/10/2005 6:42:59 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline
Wrong post, sorry!

< Message edited by Synocense -- 7/10/2005 6:45:14 PM >

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/16/2005 12:53:03 AM   
Smtreker


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline 		The best way to help your husband is to talk with him honestly. Answer his questions about what you want. Encourage him to tell you what he wants and desires. Most of all let him know that no matter what happens you will always be his for better or worse. This is the number one fear that will cause your husband to be reluctant to change the current relationship.

(in reply to Longing4Pain)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/16/2005 1:47:37 AM   
Smtreker


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline 		You can help your husband the most by doing what he ask, tell him what it is you want. The misconception is that if you do communicate your desires you are controling the relationship. This is only true if you are the one making the decision on how and what will be done. However, if you relate your feeling and desires to him and then let him make the decision on what he wants to act upon than he is the one that is in control.
You may also help him by you asking him how he would best like you to serve him. Let him know that you truly want this and that you understand that it will be a learning proccess. That you will have to learn his desire as well.

(in reply to Longing4Pain)
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RE: Unwilling Master... - 7/17/2005 2:25:28 PM   
JerryInTampa


Posts: 138
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline 		Realize too the possability that, while he can top, he may never be the dom you are hoping to have, any more than you could stop being the bottom/sub/slave you are.

That he is willing is good, and depending on your needs, the likelyhood that there can be enough varies heavily (high if you are a masochist that needs a beating once-in-a-while, low if you crave a 24/7 TPE).

Good luck to you both.

(in reply to Smtreker)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Unwilling Master... - 8/16/2005 10:45:47 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		Oceanprincess I believe you have the best idea here. Communication is crucial but don't be afraid to lead now and then to give him the idea. Afterall, they are married so sharing should come naturally.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

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