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RE: Why? - 8/22/2007 10:15:32 PM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

when you meet them in person some barely utter a word.



I'm curious... why do people assume quiet men aren't dominant? Or that all extroverts are dominant?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Why? - 8/22/2007 10:20:18 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

Why is it when you meet a man he is never what he says he is?. He may be nice and all, but he is never the Master or the Dom he leads you to believe he is. Some of them lie, but i honestly believe that they really do believe what they write and tell you on the phone. Any insight? Or is it just me?

I have an opinion on this 
if you met him on line
have you thought of the possiblity
that you closed your eyes...
and made him up as he talked about himself
then when you met him
it all burst your bubble??
 
if so.......
dont blame him
its yourself who has to be blamed
cause it is what you thought you saw in him
not who he really is/was.
 
make sense??
just another perspective


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With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


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RE: Why? - 8/22/2007 11:16:58 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ProfJoe

Have you ever heard yourself speak on tape? Isn't it weird and unpleasantly different from howyou think you sound?

We all have an image of ourselves that is different from reality. In addition, when we meet people we tend to try to give them what they want ... so they like us.


Nicely put.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 12:09:30 AM   
Honsoku


Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I'm curious... why do people assume quiet men aren't dominant? Or that all extroverts are dominant?


Probably because there is the general perception that people who are quiet are either unsure of themselves or meek, while extroversion is generally perceived to be a sign of confidence. This is frequently how it is portrayed in the media (the same way that greasy skin means the person is slimy), especially in any show aimed at a younger audience. This certainly exacerbates the problem. Though it is quite possible to be meek and extroverted and confident and introverted. This is in essence a crossed wire problem, where one set of behaviors is improperly associated with a personality trait. This is the archetype of the asshole phenomenon (mistaking self-centered obnoxious behavior for confidence, thus making assholes attractive partners to people that haven't put two and two together yet).

Honsoku

< Message edited by Honsoku -- 8/23/2007 12:13:17 AM >

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 5:48:06 AM   
rmanrr


Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings


quote:

ORIGINAL: ProfJoe

Have you ever heard yourself speak on tape? Isn't it weird and unpleasantly different from howyou think you sound?

We all have an image of ourselves that is different from reality. In addition, when we meet people we tend to try to give them what they want ... so they like us.



Nicely put.
Not Quite. When I met sage in the flesh I did not try to give her what she wanted, I was merely Myself. She liked Me anyway, just as I liked her just as she was/is, and would not have her any other way. We have each grown into something that is not easily definable, but that being said, it works really well for both of us. My two cents (devalued because they are after all Canadian Currency)....BE YOURSELF! do not put on airs, or a role, or a persona....just be yourself.


_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 6:20:53 AM   
plspickme


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		The one that you were refering to as quiet said about six words the whole evening. On the phone he told me he had been to italy. So since we hadd been at dinner for over twenty minute and he hadn't uttered hardly a word. i aksed him if he got to see the Vatican. He said with no emotion "yes" I asked him to tell me all about it. He said "It was good."  I'm sorry, but this is not being quiet. Also, i have learned not to imagine or create anything in my mind. i learned that lesson years ago when i first started looking. i only go by what they tell me and i wait and see.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 6:32:07 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Some of it may be perceptions, are you completely as advertised?

Ron

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 6:50:14 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I've met several Doms from the net.  And you're right, some weren't quite what I was led to expect.

But a couple were exactly as they represented themselves, and were (and are) absolutely fantastic.

People are people - some lie, some don't.  And some have an image of themselves which may not line up exactly with reality - they genuinely believe what they claim about themselves.

As for the guy who wouldn't talk during dinner - sounds like a bloke who wanted to escape as fast as possible.  Are you exactly the way you claim to be?  Maybe they have the same feelings about you as you do about them.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 7:15:39 AM   
plspickme


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		To be honest with you he was the same way over the phone only not as bad. i just thought that maybe he didn't like talking on the phone which some men don't. He was however, great with E-mails. i represent myself as exactly who i am. i have been told by people that is rare, but i can't be anyone else but me and i never want someone who wants to be with someone  i am pretending to be.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 8:29:27 AM   
EclipseAbove


Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

Why is it when you meet a man he is never what he says he is?. He may be nice and all, but he is never the Master or the Dom he leads you to believe he is. Some of them lie, but i honestly believe that they really do believe what they write and tell you on the phone. Any insight? Or is it just me?


Well, if you are talking about people (I don't think this is just about men) you've met in person then I have no insights for you.  However, if you are referring to people online, especially those on this site then you are seeing a combination of two things.  First is people who are trying to meet other people will put their best foot forward.  So, you are only going to see their best aspects.  Second is the anonymous nature of internet/phone/email/etc interactions which often leads people to turn off their internal censor and heavily exagerate.  Put the two together and you get an online persona that often bears no resemblence to the real person behind the keyboard.  The further you get from interacting with someone in person, the more of a distorted image of them you will have.  Just my $0.02.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 10:42:58 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

To be honest with you he was the same way over the phone only not as bad. i just thought that maybe he didn't like talking on the phone which some men don't. He was however, great with E-mails. i represent myself as exactly who i am. i have been told by people that is rare, but i can't be anyone else but me and i never want someone who wants to be with someone  i am pretending to be.
Well, if he was the same on the phone as when you met him in person then he didn't misrepresent himself, did he. You just made an assumption and burned yourself with it. I'm a quiet man in person. Your asinine assumption that people who are quiet are not dominant would be argued heatedly by my girls.

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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 10:56:27 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

The one that you were refering to as quiet said about six words the whole evening. On the phone he told me he had been to italy. So since we hadd been at dinner for over twenty minute and he hadn't uttered hardly a word. i aksed him if he got to see the Vatican. He said with no emotion "yes" I asked him to tell me all about it. He said "It was good."  I'm sorry, but this is not being quiet. Also, i have learned not to imagine or create anything in my mind. i learned that lesson years ago when i first started looking. i only go by what they tell me and i wait and see.


Makes him a rotten conversionalist, but in my opinion it doesn't tell you a darn thing about their d/s orientation.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to plspickme)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 11:02:56 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Honsoku

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I'm curious... why do people assume quiet men aren't dominant? Or that all extroverts are dominant?


Probably because there is the general perception that people who are quiet are either unsure of themselves or meek, while extroversion is generally perceived to be a sign of confidence. This is frequently how it is portrayed in the media (the same way that greasy skin means the person is slimy), especially in any show aimed at a younger audience. This certainly exacerbates the problem. Though it is quite possible to be meek and extroverted and confident and introverted. This is in essence a crossed wire problem, where one set of behaviors is improperly associated with a personality trait. This is the archetype of the asshole phenomenon (mistaking self-centered obnoxious behavior for confidence, thus making assholes attractive partners to people that haven't put two and two together yet).

Honsoku


That's pretty much what I figure. When people are first meeting us, or first finding out that we are into BDSM but haven't seen us interact, they sometimes think the roles are reversed. Why? Because I can be pretty chatty and Valyraen tends to be quiet. Watching us interact seems to quickly dispel that notion though.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Honsoku)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 11:11:56 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

Why is it when you meet a man he is never what he says he is?. He may be nice and all, but he is never the Master or the Dom he leads you to believe he is. Some of them lie, but i honestly believe that they really do believe what they write and tell you on the phone. Any insight? Or is it just me?


In my mind, I am a wise and just ruler over my Household.  I am a king, and a warrior, and a conqueror--Beowulf and Conan the Barbarian with a smidgen of Tarzan thrown in for good measure.

In reality...I'm a 40-year old guy who is soft in the middle and whose biggest concern is finding the next big client to sustain and grow my business.  I'm just thankful that the pattern baldness gene went to my brother instead of me!

Reality is always less exciting than fantasy....it just has the advantage of being real.






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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 12:59:18 PM   
plspickme


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		i'm sorry, but you are wrong. Being quiet is far different from not being able to talk or express yourself unless you are forced to answer a question and have no other choice. It is also reasonable to think that someone might not be as comfortable talking on the phone as they would in person. It is a normal thing. He was not normal. there was never any emotion in his voice.

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 1:12:10 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		I am curious about which part of my post you consider to be in error, and in what fashion is it in error.



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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 1:12:33 PM   
PAcpllooking


Posts: 73
Joined: 5/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: plspickme

Why is it when you meet a man he is never what he says he is?. He may be nice and all, but he is never the Master or the Dom he leads you to believe he is. Some of them lie, but i honestly believe that they really do believe what they write and tell you on the phone. Any insight? Or is it just me?


I have heard this from many people, both subs and Doms.
My personal take on it is that there are people who can write the fantasy but when it comes to actually being what they write about they are lost because its all in their head and they have little is any real experience.
What I have done is if someone is an excellant writer and has all of these details and hearts and flowers in their communication I see a red flag, but thats just me.
Now if someone talks on a normal level then I see that as a good thing.

William

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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 1:29:45 PM   
plspickme


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		i'm sorry, my resonse was not directed to you, but to Mrdiscipline44. i'm new to these boards and didn't realize how to respond to his post directly. i see how to now.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 1:34:21 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I'm curious... why do people assume quiet men aren't dominant? Or that all extroverts are dominant?


Humphrey Bogart was 5'6", with sloped shoulders, a "mashed-in" face, and a shuffling gait.  Yet in film after film he was the quintessential Hollywood "tough guy" and a favorite of director John Huston.  The genius of his acting that made him credible was his realization that one can draw the attention of others merely by remaining still when everyone else is in motion.

Alan Ladd was another dimunitive Hollywood "tough guy", yet he made "Shane" a film classic, every bit the equal of Gary Cooper in "High Noon" or Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven".

Abraham Lincoln was not exactly an extrovert, yet he remains iconic among American Presidents.  Admiral Chester Nimitz was a similarly soft-spoken man whose career is remarkable not just for the role he played in the US victory over Japan in WWII, but because he did so after having being court-martialed for running his ship aground in the Phillipines (convicted of hazarding a navy ship--a career-ender for most Naval officers).

What amazes me about the assumptions so many make about extroversion and dominance is that they are made despite the pantheon of dominant and leadership figures, both fictional and real, who were anything but brash and outspoken.


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RE: Why? - 8/23/2007 1:46:48 PM   
plspickme


Posts: 30
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		i've had never equated extrovert with Dominance. It's usually a look or the way the man carries himself.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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