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Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:42:07 AM   
paleseptember


Posts: 22
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		I dated someone who was vanilla once (I mean after I realized that I was submissive).  Everything worked out beautifully because I was after the person and not the kink.  One day, however we were in bed and I asked him to do anal play with me and just "push it it."

It was when he told me, "But I don't want to hurt you" that I realized my Adventures in Vanilla Land were over.

So...here's the question...

what was your Adventures in Vanilla Land defining experience?
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:47:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		A) Plenty of non vanillas don't want to hurt eachother either, we're not all sadists or masochists

B)  My relationship with my partner is vanilla in that it is based on no authority transfer- however we are both switches, both switch with eachother and do all sorts of kinky stuff all the time

So my defining moment was in realizing that I enjoy vanilla life as much as kinky life and that there really is NO divide between them except that which we create.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to paleseptember)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 9:15:00 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		LA answered beautifully.
There is not divide between 'vanilla' and BDSM for us.  It just is - we are just us.  The defining moment is comprehending this.
Not everyone in BDSM is a sadist or a masochist.  And not all s-types are the masochists or visa versa - and that is the image this scenario creates and is one of the oldest myths going.
 
Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to paleseptember)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 9:48:17 AM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		I think I catch the spirit of your question, and I'll try to answer with that in mind.

I've had a few relationships that were so vanilla they didn't even have hot fudge on them... including one where she thought sex with the lights on qualified as "kinky" (in her words). Sometimes they were fun, sometimes they were even semi-fulfilling... but it always felt a little empty. And, in the end, they came crashing down for a thousand different reasons, not just a vanilla/not discrepency.

But the defining moment came with my most recent ex... I'd remained friends with a girl who identifies as a slave, someone I'd had a brief relationship with. Upon finding this out, my ex said some rather harsh things, including comments about anyone who wanted to submit being stupid, and anyone who would want to be with a submissive being manipulative, controlling, and misogynistic. Apparently, to her, there's no such thing as male subs. And yes, she knew that I'd been in a relationship with the friend before, and that I'm a sadist.

It wasn't the last fight we'd have. It wasn't the last time one of us would say something horribly insulting and downright cruel to the other one... but it was the moment I decided I'd never be with anyone who wasn't at least kink-friendly again. Maybe vanilla that realizes other flavors are good for other people, but not someone who's only interested in one flavor.

I'll quote Thank You For Smoking, since I watched it last night... even if he uses chocalate instead of vanilla as an example: "Well, I need more than chocolate. And for that matter, I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor,that is the definition of liberty."




_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 10:01:30 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I was barred from taking my slave into a Mcdonalds just because she was being led in on a leash. Can you believe they wouldn't even take our order?
Now we go only to Carl's Jr. They are not vanilla. (Except for their shakes)

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Boycott Whales!

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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 12:12:21 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82

"Well, I need more than chocolate. And for that matter, I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor,that is the definition of liberty."



that will become my meditating thought from now on. thanks !

(in reply to SmokingGun82)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 12:43:25 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I've had a lot of vanilla relationships (well, they started that way), but I think it's easier for a dominant woman to "convert" vanilla men. It's not difficult getting any man to "give kinky sex" a try.  The challenge is finding a man that can keep up with the intensity, frequency, and other aspects of power exchange out of the bedroom.

Even in vanilla situations though, I think relationships (in my case) are "self selecting."  In other words, you wouldn't find me *attracted* to a man who was inflexible, insecure about his masculinity, too afraid to try something crazy in bed, or not wired to want to please me. It's self selecting because the nature of the way I flirt and get to know a man is all about uncovering his capability to submit, his willingness to play a 'follow' role and his responsiveness to my forward behavior.

Akasha


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(in reply to paleseptember)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 3:55:11 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline 		I guess my defining moment would be when I decided to accept the feelings I was having and quit trying to compensate for them by saving the world and being a White Knight. Unfortunately, that didn't happen in a moment, it happened gradually over many years.
Joseff

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 4:59:49 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		I have not had to deal with vanilla relationships while being in the lifestyle. I was married to my wife when we "got kinky"


_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Joseff)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 4:59:50 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paleseptember

what was your Adventures in Vanilla Land defining experience?


I suppose my "defining moment" came at the end of the brief period of time that I tried dating "vanilla" after my divorce.  I'd been married for almost 23 years to a man who was about as "undomly" as they come and was miserable.  I had delved deep into myself to try to understand who I was and what it was that I wanted.  I came to understand and accept that I had sexual desires that were beyond what was considered acceptable in polite society, but most of all I knew that I was made to be under the authority of a man.  Unfortunately, I had no idea at the time where to find the right kind of man.  I also had difficulty finding a satisfactory method to pre-screen suitors for the qualities I sought. 

My first date seemed assertive enough... but that turned out to be pure arrogance.  When our discussion veered off into sexual topics and he expressed a desire for me to not only spank him but to penetrate him with a strap-on, I knew a brand new kind of revulsion.

A couple of additional dates later with men who turned out to be pathetically passive and incredibly dull brought me to near tears.  I was fortunate enough at that point in time to have been clued in to the existence of D/s by a friend and my "vanilla" wanderings came to a quick end.

(in reply to paleseptember)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 6:29:23 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: paleseptember

I dated someone who was vanilla once (I mean after I realized that I was submissive).  Everything worked out beautifully because I was after the person and not the kink.  One day, however we were in bed and I asked him to do anal play with me and just "push it it."

It was when he told me, "But I don't want to hurt you" that I realized my Adventures in Vanilla Land were over.

So...here's the question...

what was your Adventures in Vanilla Land defining experience?



Being in a relationship for over a year with a guy who wouldn't even consider anal with me, despite many beggings to do so. After a whole year I demanded an answer to why he wouldn't even consider it. The answer was: because it's icky, unnatural and he might get pooh on it.

That was one of the hallmarks of my realization of my own perverted nature.

< Message edited by Viridana -- 8/23/2007 6:30:32 PM >

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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 6:32:19 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline 		What a good question it's been so long since I've been in vanilla land but I'll take a stab.  I did date a girl in Atlanta back in 1995 and we went to this club called the Masquerade. They had Fetish night on Wednesday nights and I wanted a fix.  We went and watched some of the "scenes" and I was excited.  I thought she was excited too.  We went back to my place and had sex and I started to spank her and she freaked.  She said she wasn't a perv like me.

She wasn't with me after that either...

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 6:44:33 PM   
nmjardine


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		For me, vanilla relationships ended the very first time I stepped into the Crucible in DC. It was during Black Beat 05 and the place was packed with people engaging in all forms of play. It was so beautiful, it literally took my breath away. I had come home. I knew I needed this in my life and I was never ever going to settle for less.

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:01:06 PM   
MTCsBlueyedslav


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/8/2007
Status: offline 		This is a easy question. I went thru this not to long ago.

Not to many of you know that I was collared by someone for 11 years. He passed away over 2 years ago. I waited sometime and then started to date again. Not knowing how to look since he had found me I tried vanilla again. First time I got comfortable to sleep with someone again my battle was not in the bedroom but just how I am. Little things like getting up making sure coffee is ready in the morning, his lunch packed, bed made after we get out of it etc.. I was told I should never wait on anyone. I felt crushed. He actually yelled at me for doing such things. I broke it up after that and started my search. The sex i knew i could adjust on but changing who i am. Sorry just not going to happen.

In the end i did not have to give up anything...i found someone equally twisted/playful if not more.....

anna

(in reply to paleseptember)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:18:00 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		LA...couldn't have said it better. I was in what I thought was a vanilla relationship with great sex, only to find out my partner was getting bdsm sex when I wasn't home.  After we broke up, I asked why he never invited me to do some alternative play, even when I asked for it.  He didn't answer.  I guess he thought he needed to keep me in a vanilla role.  The stupidity is when a B/s relationship can be had in a vanilla relationship but it is never explored.  It doesn't have to be labeled, it should just be. I wish he had, I would have been game.  It would have brought us closer and would also have created an added positive dimension to our relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:20:14 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross



So my defining moment was in realizing that I enjoy vanilla life as much as kinky life and that there really is NO divide between them except that which we create.


I have to say this is true for me as well. I enjoy many vanilla things as kinky and don't have a definitive line drawn between them.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 7:32:13 PM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think for me ijust know that i could never be with someone who i felt i could not be myself around ever again. It's not so much about the kink but i can't be with someone who doesn't understand or accept my nature. I spent enough time judging myself for the things i wanted i'll be damned if i'm going to let it happen for another second  by anyone. So i doubt i could be with someone in a non D/s context again simply because i feel the most free to be me around them but if i found someone vanilla who didn't judge who knows. I mean, i was once vanilla too :P. Actually vanilla is still my favorite flavored icecream but i've found i like a lot other ones too

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"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
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RE: Adventures in Vanilla Land - 8/23/2007 8:12:07 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		So, I met gretchen at a birthday party in a country where BDSM (as an acronym) doesnt' mean anything.  She and I hit it off immediately.  I could smell the submissiveness on her, almost, and in about an hour, I just looked her in the eyes, and said "Kiss me."

I don't think there was anything 'vanilla' about our first date, but neither was it inherently lifestyle oriented.  I was always the dominant, she was always the submissive.  Showing her what those things meant, on the other hand, took months and years. 

I don't mind dating vanilla girls in the least.  Everyone 'starts' vanilla, I think.  While I understand LA's assessment of how "Vanilla" and "Lifestyle" mingle, I define Vanilla not as 'absence of kink' but rather 'absence of awareness of kink.'  A typical 1950s style household may literally be D/s, even with paddle and floggers; but without that self-awareness that precludes an active choice to subscribe to that lifestyle, it's no similar to a person who is a 'Vegetarian' simply because they live on an island without adequate meat sources, or a homosexual just because they're in prison for the rest of their natural life.

Stephan


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Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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