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Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 11:36:28 AM   
haelmoro


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I realize there was a post earlier about confidence issues, but I didn't really find an answer there. If there's another thread that addresses this, feel free to link me. But perhaps I can be specific here:

I'm a switch who is somewhat more fond of being submissive than being dominant. It comes naturally in every avenue that I've explored so far, and it's incredibly pleasing.
My problem now is that I also enjoy being dominant, and think that I would be quite good at it from the small bits of taking control I've done, but I feel hesitant about taking it farther. I very much want to, but I am not very good at acting that confident ("in control") or inflicting punishment. The physical pain-giving and such are particularly difficult, as I'm used to lavishing my partner with tender affection. Although I enjoy receiving physical pain, it goes against my instincts to give it to the point that I'm even scared to scratch or bite at all hard! Even with a partner who welcomes the pain, I'm still worried about doling it out.

When you started being a Domme, what were some of the bigger issues for you in the beginning?
Did any of you have problems with inflicting pain or punishment?

I've bought a book on BDSM (in the mail now) and have lurked around this message board a decent amount, but I'd love some personal advice. I feel there's a great world of fulfillment on that side of the fence for me, but I'm not quite sure how to get over there.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 11:44:28 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		For me, practice and getting information increased my feelings of beingh more competent in terms of SM and bondage.

I found Lady Green's guide for dominant women to be very helpful in reassuring me that my desires were very normal when I went through a brief period when I thought they might be signs that I was an abuser.

I'm going to ask a few questions in return.

Why do you feel that inflicting pain is part of being a dominant?

How do you divide BDSM into it's various parts if you divide it at all?

Is your drive to learn to be more sadistic internal (what you want) or external (what a partner wants) or a bit of both?

How much feedback does your partner give you when you do SM? Do you think if he/she gave you more feedback it would help reassure you?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to haelmoro)
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RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 11:54:22 AM   
haelmoro


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

For me, practice and getting information increased my feelings of beingh more competent in terms of SM and bondage.

I found Lady Green's guide for dominant women to be very helpful in reassuring me that my desires were very normal when I went through a brief period when I thought they might be signs that I was an abuser.

I'm going to ask a few questions in return.

Why do you feel that inflicting pain is part of being a dominant?

How do you divide BDSM into it's various parts if you divide it at all?

Is your drive to learn to be more sadistic internal (what you want) or external (what a partner wants) or a bit of both?

How much feedback does your partner give you when you do SM? Do you think if he/she gave you more feedback it would help reassure you?


Thanks much for the thoughtful response, firstly. As to your questions:

1. inflicting pain doesn't have to be part of being dominant, I realize. I place the emphasis on it here mostly because I think I'll learn some of the other aspects more easily (the more mental and non-sexual things I can do alright). I just feel that once I learn to be more sadistic, I will enjoy it as much if not more than receiving.
2. I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you rephrase?
3. My drive is a bit of both. Being slightly more submissive, it pleases me a great deal in a sub sort of way to be able to do something my partner enjoys. Not doing it is very disappointing for me. But like I mentioned in #1, I really enjoy the thought of it, it's just when the time comes, I seem to freeze up, and not know what to do.
4. I don't have a serious partner at the moment, which I realize would help me a great deal. I am in the market for one, but have just started on the site and have not jumped into a LTR yet. I do hope to have a great deal of communication, but at the moment it is not extremely high, no. I do think feedback would ultimately be the best option, though. But in the meantime, I appreciate whatever insight I can find here.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 1:47:38 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: haelmoro

I realize there was a post earlier about confidence issues, but I didn't really find an answer there. If there's another thread that addresses this, feel free to link me. But perhaps I can be specific here:

I'm a switch who is somewhat more fond of being submissive than being dominant. It comes naturally in every avenue that I've explored so far, and it's incredibly pleasing.
My problem now is that I also enjoy being dominant, and think that I would be quite good at it from the small bits of taking control I've done, but I feel hesitant about taking it farther. I very much want to, but I am not very good at acting that confident ("in control") or inflicting punishment. The physical pain-giving and such are particularly difficult, as I'm used to lavishing my partner with tender affection. Although I enjoy receiving physical pain, it goes against my instincts to give it to the point that I'm even scared to scratch or bite at all hard! Even with a partner who welcomes the pain, I'm still worried about doling it out.

When you started being a Domme, what were some of the bigger issues for you in the beginning?
Did any of you have problems with inflicting pain or punishment?

I've bought a book on BDSM (in the mail now) and have lurked around this message board a decent amount, but I'd love some personal advice. I feel there's a great world of fulfillment on that side of the fence for me, but I'm not quite sure how to get over there.


For the submissives(the ones who are part of My worm farm) they have witnessed an increase in harshness,hardness of the spankings,being more strict in general among other things.I'm not sure that it was one thing that pushed Me that way or a combination of being more comfortable in My Own skin and finding submissives  who are more into pain and the more I do it the more I like it,the more I like it the more I enjoy doing it.
I will say though..until I know what a certain person can handle I hold back some.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to haelmoro)
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RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 1:57:58 PM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: haelmoro

I very much want to, but I am not very good at acting that confident ("in control") or inflicting punishment. The physical pain-giving and such are particularly difficult, as I'm used to lavishing my partner with tender affection. Although I enjoy receiving physical pain, it goes against my instincts to give it to the point that I'm even scared to scratch or bite at all hard! Even with a partner who welcomes the pain, I'm still worried about doling it out.

I've bought a book on BDSM (in the mail now) and have lurked around this message board a decent amount, but I'd love some personal advice. I feel there's a great world of fulfillment on that side of the fence for me, but I'm not quite sure how to get over there.


Are you looking to be taught ways to implement pain onto someone else, or, are you looking to be taught how to enjoy giving pain? I'm not sure whether you can be taught how to enjoy someone else's pain (?), but you won't know until you try.

I would just jump right into it and explore if I were you.
:)

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e


(in reply to haelmoro)
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RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 2:16:24 PM   
fungasm


Posts: 321
Joined: 8/2/2007
Status: offline 		I come at it from a similar angle to you.  As a switch- I don't do what I think the person I'm playing with "deserves."  I do what I would like.  In other words I don't spank to hurt, so much as to kiss it better. 

When I actually started with partners who knew that they were required to beg me for more.  That is how it became easier for me... It's easy when you are a giving person to give them what they want. Even if it's a beating that brings tears to the eyes.

Alison

_____________________________

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

Blog: http://antidomme.sensualwriter.com

(in reply to haelmoro)
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RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 2:16:46 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I think MistressDolly hit the nail on the head here - is the question about how to hurt someone in a practical sense, or is it about learning to enjoy hurting someone (if that is possible).  Is part of the challenge that your partner hopes that you are able to deliver pain in a believable, comfortable, confident way?  If that's the case, then really what you are asking is how to deliver pain and act as if you are enjoying it - or, at least pull it off with some degree of ease or roleplaying savvy. 

I'm thinking more about the issue of learning to "enjoy" giving pain.  I don't like to hurt people or make anyone suffer, but I have a sadistic streak that's undeniable, so I can see both sides of this - sort of.  I also think so much has to do with the way the man reacts to the pain.  Where did I learn to enjoy giving pain anyway?

Would it be a more logical step to start with simple things, and build from there?  When I was a teenager femdom just experimenting with boyfriends, I stumbled across the realization that when I pulled their hair and they winced, it gave me a thrill.  Arguably, it all grew from there.  The reaction is always what turns me on, it's not the act itself.  Just walking up to a guy and *yanking* his hair so he goes 'Ouch! What the fuck was that for!' does *nothing* for me.  But having a guy look me in the eyes while I intertwine my fingers in his hair and slowly, slowly tighten the grip until he starts to wince and shut his eyes tight -- THAT's a huge turn on.

I focus on the physical reactions of my partner and encourage those reactions (if I need to) that arouse me.  The heavy breathing, the sweat, the right kind of grimace, the whimpers.  But I didn't get into heavier kinds of pain right out of the gate - first I learned to enjoy -- and deliver with comfort and confidence -- smaller types of pain that were more sensual and appealing to me.  The one thing I had success with in trying to help other women "get" kinkiness (and enjoy it) is to first step way back and start *very* simple -- and that requires a  submissive willing to be patient.  I tell non kinky women that when I was staring out, there's no way in HELL I would ever agree or consider doing the things I gladly do today.  I grew into them - over time.

What are the basic, easy, sensual steps into pain play? The hair pulling is one. So is biting - and again, I think I spent a many nights "necking in the backseat" of a boyfriend's car but also doing things like kissing his fingers while he watched, then slowly biting down, applying enough pressure to see when his body started to react and tense, but never hard enough to do real damage. Although they used to show the bite marks back to me like trophies -- "look, you can see your TEETH marks in my FINGER!"

Spanking is something I took a different approach on, making it more playful and encouraging my partner to resist and try to cover up his butt with his hands when I had him over my knee.  The common theme here is that there's a total lack of pressure as you start to get used to the reactions and learn to enjoy them. 

Most important though is that you search your soul as you experiment, and realize whether or not you are enjoying it, or just pretending to.

Oh - and there are plenty of threads on "aftercare" -- I strongly recommend considering that if you are ambivalent about causing pain you are going to have some serious guilt issues and your partner should know ahead of time that you'll need lots of comforting in the, "I'm alright, you didn't hurt me in a bad way, I feel fine" category.

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to haelmoro)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 4:41:04 PM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline 		Great questions haelmoro!
 
Speaking for myself....I started slowly. I watched others flogging and using single tail. One of my pro-domme friends gave me one of her personal pain dvds and after I watched it 4 times non-stop I realized I could not sleep. Watching a man get harder and harder receiving what looked like me to be intense cbt torture  made me so horny and excited it was like a whole new world opened up for me. Seeing that perfectly vanilla looking man receive his punishment (he really deserved it) and moan, grunt with pain/pleasure, and beg his Mistress (my friend) to stop, then to NOT stop, and to watch his skin flush with pleasure and his eyes look starved for yet more torture, well shazaam! lol.
 
I am a sensual loving kind of person, so I have been looking for real pain 'sluts' (they love and crave pain) separate from my friend-subs.
 
Last week I had to punish one of my subs for being a very bad boi. He had been fully warned several times about the consequences of his behavior, and he kept on doing it. I already knew what some of his limits were and we are very close as friends, so I kept checking with him along the way during his punishment session. I used my hand, a flogger and a paddle, and some other stuff I noticed would do a great job in the moment. We took great pics of my hand print in bright red across his ass cheeks and snet them to a friend who had been loooking forward to him 'getting his'. I got some of it on web cam for a Fem-Dom who was really po'ed and we all got a kick out of that.
 
I also did sensuous things in the middle of each little set of cbt, cooling him down a little with a swipe from a soft fur,  and dropping a few training statements and questions during cool down time.
 
He took a lot more punsihment than I thought he could, and I felt better, knowing he had paid for his mis-treatment of me. He hurt for a few days and could not jack off (good! lol) during that time. I made him check in with me every day, and talked him through the pain, made suggestions to feel better, and he was all about "Yes, Ma'am!" after that little episode.
 
Be careful is what comes most to mind. And, never hit them when you feel Your anger is boiling really heavy, unless you are absolutely sure they can take it with joy and pleasure in your pleasure and release.
 
IMO: During and at the end of sensuous pain play; there is nothing like the feeling of looking in a sub's eyes at that magical point, such an intense intimacy and fierce pleasure. Sub-space for both, or in the case of punishment: feeling the balance of energy return to a good place.
 
 
We are back to being good friends again since we both got what we needed to move forward. I felt great afterwards! Liberated, free from feeling pissed off, all that Goddess energy released.
 
I am so eager to hone my skills using single tail, and a bunch of other torturous toys. I even found one person who says they are willing to let me practice whatever I want.
 
I have found that having a willing pain slut is very helpful.
 
With tired mushy brain at work here; sure hope this helped a little!
 
*looks around for that pain sluts phone number* 

(in reply to haelmoro)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/23/2007 5:49:35 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: haelmoro

I realize there was a post earlier about confidence issues, but I didn't really find an answer there. If there's another thread that addresses this, feel free to link me. But perhaps I can be specific here:

I'm a switch who is somewhat more fond of being submissive than being dominant. It comes naturally in every avenue that I've explored so far, and it's incredibly pleasing.
My problem now is that I also enjoy being dominant, and think that I would be quite good at it from the small bits of taking control I've done, but I feel hesitant about taking it farther. I very much want to, but I am not very good at acting that confident ("in control") or inflicting punishment. The physical pain-giving and such are particularly difficult, as I'm used to lavishing my partner with tender affection. Although I enjoy receiving physical pain, it goes against my instincts to give it to the point that I'm even scared to scratch or bite at all hard! Even with a partner who welcomes the pain, I'm still worried about doling it out.

When you started being a Domme, what were some of the bigger issues for you in the beginning?
Did any of you have problems with inflicting pain or punishment?

I've bought a book on BDSM (in the mail now) and have lurked around this message board a decent amount, but I'd love some personal advice. I feel there's a great world of fulfillment on that side of the fence for me, but I'm not quite sure how to get over there.

I don't think a book is going to help you connect the wiring on a physical level.  It's going to take practical application to allow you to connect someone suffering for you with it being pleasurable on some level FOR YOU.

As for myself, my having been a paramedic and working in a busy pre-hospital environment for years before I got into the lifestyle helped me get over my hangups of guilt over hurting someone.  You kinda have to swallow that guilt about hurting people when on a daily basis, you find yourself cramming two 14 gauge needles into someone's forearms or jugulars, immobilizing obviously broken limbs that hurt like hell, or delivering a cardiac shock to someone who isn't all that sedated but who has a lethal heart arrhythmia!!!  I thought I'd have a hard time getting pleasure out of hurting someone, but I found that with this lifestyle, I finally got to hurt someone and have fun doing it at the same time, and see the person actually enjoy (or eventually enjoy) what was being done to them!  It made me want to quit my profession alltogether because it actually made it tremendously difficult to deliberately hurt someone and not get something out of it.

I'm a fairly intense sadist and count myself thankful for the subs and bottoms who've entrusted me to torture them, cut them, brand them, and beat them unmercifully, their tear-streaked cheeks pleading for more!!!!  I've learned that volume control on the sadism is the most important skill to learn for yourself -- moreso than being good at aiming a whip, a cane or a needle.  It allows you to be able to gauge your mental status, your hunger and desires, and the capabilities of your bottom so you don't plunder through them and bring them harm or create an air of distrust in someone less masochistic than what you might be accustomed to.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to haelmoro)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/24/2007 4:28:28 AM   
Jolielaide


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline 		Ahhh the Ladies who have already posted are so wise! 

To the OP:

It seems that your dilemma is two-fold:  the internal dynamic and the external skills set. 

The internal dynamic I think is the most difficult to deal with, especially for women, as we generally aren't encouraged to explore that side of our personalities in 'Nillaville.  Mostly, I'm a Domme/Momme... and I liked the "kiss the owies away" phrasing of another Lady on this thread.  Once I got to the point that I accepted and acknowledged that I liked inflicting a bit of... ummm... "high level discomfort" to the point that I was seriously turned on, that's when it got difficult.  What kind of sick perv deviant menace to society WAS I???

It wasn't until I was at an advanced caning demo at Thunder that I finally found an answer that suited me, and let me lay all that to rest.  The "class demo masochist" was caned almost to the point of oozing, and the more pain she endured, the more transfigured she became.  She absolutely *glowed*, and had that transfigured look that saints are reputed to have.  She was in *heaven*.  Prior to the demo, I saw the instructor and the maso negotiating, and it was very clear that the maso was ecstatic to be there and ASKED for everything that she got. I know they're tired old wheezes, but they're wheezes because they're true: if the person knows what they want, clearly understands the possible consequences and STILL wants it, is able to make reasoned and reasonable decisions, and it makes you both wet to the knees (figuratively or literally)....

You're actually doing them a huge kindness.  Very, very few women (taking the population at large as the sample group) are willing to "play" at that level, and they are highly sought out jewels.  I'm actually jealous that you can experience it from the other end of the impact toy, frankly. I can't do it.  The aftercare for me is usually some of the best of the scene, and if I don't get to have that calm, cuddly, warm, sighing (to whatever extent) time afterward, I can be subject to serious "top-drop".  Therefor, I regard S/m as just as much a mutual "giving" as I do any other form of kink, when it's as its best.

Of course, do acquire your skills in a real life way, drawing on your own experiences, the wisdom of others and actual classes if they have them in your area. The edgier you get, the more crucial those skills are.  Thank heaven there seems to be a fair number of lovely, giggly happily masochistic people in the world who are experienced and more than willing to help you learn.

Oh... and on my planet, dominance/submission don't *necessarily* have to include sadism/masochism, but boy can it be intense when it does! LOL

Jolielaide

P.S.  I don't know how it is for those who play with women (as I don't), but if you're taking your inner sadist out for a walk on the wild side, and your male partner calls you a vicious ballbusting twunt... and he's SMILING... it's a *good* thing.  *wink*



(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/24/2007 10:56:01 AM   
haelmoro


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

I come at it from a similar angle to you.  As a switch- I don't do what I think the person I'm playing with "deserves."  I do what I would like.  In other words I don't spank to hurt, so much as to kiss it better. 

When I actually started with partners who knew that they were required to beg me for more.  That is how it became easier for me... It's easy when you are a giving person to give them what they want. Even if it's a beating that brings tears to the eyes.

Alison


That's an excellent point. I don't think I could even do it let alone enjoy if I didn't get immediate signs of pleasure (or.. painful pleasure like wincing :) I want them to enjoy it; that's the whole point.

Thank you for your answer :)

(in reply to fungasm)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/24/2007 1:50:49 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		Okay I top and bottom...and I do it just because I am in touch with my sadistic ctreak as much as my inner masochist. Given any situation the masochist wins out. Don't get me wrong...I like beatin the hell out of a woman....and then using her. Something about grinding on a chicks ass until I cum...after I done made her cry does wonders for me.

And then the sick lil fuck in me does things like wipe tears and play the lil Daddy role.

Now I aint no D-type. Never have been...I'ma sadist just for the joy of being a sadist. As a s-type with this natural set up of desires it is difficult to balance it when I top Her. She's so in charge of the situation it's funny..."do this...not like that like this...okay that's good...yeah..." I find myself worrying that I'll do it wrong or too much because of my own enthusiasm and I want to do it right for Her. Anybody else can suck my dick cuz I'm doing it for me.

I've found the sensual sadists who are D-types tend to go with denial as a form of punishment if that's the whole reason you're looking for ideas. But only if in the sense of punishment as a corrective action. If you're talking about play Maybe tapping into the "service top" aspect might help you.

(in reply to haelmoro)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/24/2007 3:29:58 PM   
goddessAVA


Posts: 221
Joined: 11/2/2006
Status: offline 		BoiJen you are so f***in sexy!

To the op-sadism to me means consentual infliction of pain that makes my pussy wet.  He does not need to be hard or she does not need to be wet-just agreeing to what happens and I am sure enjoying it on some level.  My suggetsion-get a vibrator and use it on yourself while inflicting pain on your partner-a sure way to get the reaction I feel naturally!  A book did help me btw-it expressed the feelings I had always had and explained the motivation of the masochist in ways I had not heard or thought of.

_____________________________

Philadelphia's premier Enema Nurse
cleaning out America's assholes one at a time

(in reply to BoiJen)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/25/2007 3:51:46 AM   
malepainslut2003


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Isn't this really different for each sub? I have had Mistress whip me and never really cause me any pain or discomfort. So I understand  haelmoro question. In my case the more pain inflicted the more insane with pleasure I become. The best working over I have ever had came at the hands of a male. He has a barn and in the top of this old barn he cuffed my hands and hung me up and worked me over for an hour. Not sure how he knew how far to take things but he certianly took me to a place I have never been before.

(in reply to goddessAVA)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Learning to be more sadistic - 8/25/2007 5:58:55 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		Why thank you. I've found mostly being myself helps me keep in touch with my comfort and my joy and I think that applies to just about everyone out there. So maybe that's the best advice I can give here...I dunno...alls I know is I like to doin shit to people and havin it done to me too.

(in reply to malepainslut2003)
Profile   Post #: 15
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