MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Futility
Ok - I am completely new to this whole thought of a lifestyle, and it's been started with a new partner of mine. I have always desired being totally submissive to a man, but never thought I would find the right person. At first, things began slowly, with him wanting to hit, slap, cut and even beat me a little. And this has totally exploded into something different for me.
Maybe it's your choice of words ... but this raises a bit of a red flag for Me. As Aqua has pointed out, bdsmers tend to have a different vocabulary for play activities, words that don't otherwise signal abuse or lack of consent. So instead of hit and beat ... we use spank and flog. Slap doesn't get used that much except for a subgroup of bdsmers who are into face-slapping ... that's often considered quite "edgy" for many. Similarly, people tend to use "knife play" or "cutting" as a play activity and again, that's something that not everyone gets into. It's true that there are very few (if any) specific play activities that everyone does get into, but the most common from My experience (and I have run play parties and therefore seen lots of people play), are forms of spanking, flogging, bondage of various sorts, sensory deprivation (blind folds, ear plugs etc) and sensation play (using different textures on the sub's body, including clamps, pegs etc). Then comes things like needle play, play piercings, nipple torture (clamps, breast bondage, pinching, hot and cold), wax play, cock and ball torture (aka cbt ... obviously for guys!), some forms of pussy torture (such as light spanking, flogging, ice, chemicals), anal play, cupping and suction play, more advanced bondage such as suspension, sexual play such as fisting and water sports and edge play such as fire play. So the things you mentioned are not exactly where most newbies would start ... I would start with a gentle spanking or flogging and then some general sensation play, perhaps light bondage.
So, here are a few of my questions........
Where does this sort of thing come from? Why do people desire it? I guess this is my most important question.
And the most difficult to answer! Some say it's innate, others say it's learned, there was recently a thread here debating that. I don't think there's much point in rehashing it again here. There's probably a different answer for every body. It does seem that SOME people find their way into bdsm because they have baggage, in the form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and they see some way of dealing with that through bdsm. Whether it will help or hinder them is another matter of debate. But not ALL bdsmers are here for that reason. There are plenty of people with very few hangups that are also here. There's quite a lot of professions represented, though I've met bdsmers from just about all walks of life, economic status etc. We are a very diverse lot, which is why we so rarely agree LOL! Unfortunately the media tends to portray us as rather damaged and broken and odd people ... which is why I hate films such as "The Secretary" for example. The one thing that stands out when you finally pluck up the courage to go to a munch is just how ORDINARY the others are! No more weird than a family gathering ... some of my more remote family were doubtless way more weird!
So why do we desire it? Again, probably a different answer for everyone. I should stop to explain here that I operate in both modes, I am Domme to some and sub/slave to my Master. It's like I have 2 "sides" to me ... and to help me (as much as anyone else!) work out who's "speaking", I use capital I and M for My Domme side (Jay) and small i and me for my sub side (violet). You'll meet people here who absolutely hate the caps/small thing, but it works for Me for that purpose! So I'm going to try to show why I desire it from both sides of Me.
My Domme side has long been out in society, I seem to be one of those natural leaders that people gravitate to. Most of the time I don't mind, but on occasions I have longed to be a follower. I am an educator and that very much comes through in the way I Dominate, I love to teach a sub. I was attracted by the openness, transparency and trust that I see in a good D/s relationship ... the vulnerability of gradually peeling away the layers of conditioning, allowing the sub to explore themselves safely. I enjoy being a guide on their journey, their trusted One, though I definitely don't set Myself up as all-knowing and I very much refuse to be on a pedestal (falling off hurts!). I also very much enjoy the play activities. I love leading a sub into sub space, and then talking about their experience with them afterwards. I am a loving and caring kind of person, so I love the intimacy that comes from play and aftercare. And as they learn about themselves, and I learn about them ... so I learn more about Me too.
As a sub, i knew as soon as i found bdsm, that while part of me would lead, the follower part of me was just dying to follow! To lay down that responsibility of decision-making, to follow someone else's lead, ah in that was pure freedom! i didn't find the right Master first off ... it took a few tries, and some hurt (mostly emotional) before i found Him. It has been a huge relief for me to have a leader of my own, someone who loves and cares and cherishes me even when i am weak, someone who is busy stripping away the layers of my conditioning and allowing me to explore myself. i love being played with, i am an enthusiastic and exuberant (and rather exhibitionist!) player ... i adore public play and, despite my more than ample frame, am quite prepared to be naked in the Dungeon and for Master to do whatever He so desires. And i am a very ardent lover too. Despite being 15 years older than Master, i'm more likely to tire Him out than vice versa!
On the flip side, does a Master truely love his slave? Is he going to stop lovingher if for some reason she decides she cannot handle it?
Well obviously that will depend on the particular Master/slave dynamic that is established. There are some who don't have love in the relationship ... it is purely a functional, service relationship. It's a bit like having a servant with whom the Dominant can be freely sexual. Some loan their slaves to others, some even trade their slaves. However, again from My experience, there's not much in the way of solid statistics LOL ... this is very much the minority. For most, the M/s relationship is a continuation and deepening of their love relationship, and many here have said the love would continue even if the bdsm was curtailed. It would seem from threads I have read here though, that the reason for the curtailment is pretty important. If it's due to ill health ... then most seem to say their partner would continue to love and support them, or would find ways around the difficulty. Master knew when He got me that my knees weren't up to much kneeling ... so that's not one of His requirements from me ... though it could be from someone capable of kneeling. However, in threads where it seems the partner has just lost interest, so one person's needs are no longer being met, the advice is then often to move on so that both may find a more satisfying relationship.
Can this lifestyle be contained away from other people, such as family and friends?
Depends on how important it is to you to keep it under wraps. Some tell no one ... obviously then you have to be very careful about marks from play etc. Some tell only other bdsmers. Some tell some trusted family and friends ... sometimes that works, sometimes it backfires. Only you can be the best judge of who you should and shouldn't tell ... and do remember that they haven't consented to knowing. I've found it best to ask them first if they want to know something deeply personal about you that you're willing to share with them. If they say no ... you say nothing more. If they say yes, don't just blurt out "i'm a slave!" ... have a way of slowly divulging it all planned out in your mind! Emphasise what you see are the positives you are getting from this relationship.
How does having a child affect this?
As Aqua said, we don't mention children here ... that's why they are UMs or unmentionables! It's against the Terms of use as it could too easily be mis-interpreted to mean involving them. That said, I know any number of D/s couples who operate effectively without their UMs knowing, at least until they are adults themselves. Yes it takes forethought, planning, subtlety and good babysitters ;-) ... but it can be done.
Also, typically, does a Master control every aspect of his slave, or is it all just sexual. Right now, for us, it is within sexual means. Sometimes we make love and are very sweet to eacther, but most of the time, it is extremely abusive and demeaning.
That's a matter of personal preference and skills. For some it is entirely confined to the bedroom with equality everywhere else. One couple who are good friends of Mine operate with her being slave to Him only sexually and in play ... the rest of the time she runs the show and does so very effectively. OK ... you could say she's serving him by doing that ... but she's darn good at being the boss! For Master and i it is the opposite ... i am 24/7 His sub/slave (i'm between most people's definitions of the 2 and i don't want to argue those semantics now). He has control of my life, though He isn't in to heavy micromanaging. In other words, i have guidelines and rules and He expects me to make good decisions in line with those. However, i do ask Him before accepting outside invites to things for example. Even when My sub is here and I am Domming her, i am still sub to Master ... I seem to be able to operate in both modes at once, people call me a Duality rather than a switch! When it comes to sex, Master is still and always Master ... but more often than not, it's still lovemaking (because that's the way W/we are) rather than rough. Again, I was troubled by your choice of words ... abusive and demeaning ... that generally means BAD stuff. If you mean rough sex, use of "naughty" words such as fuck, cunt, slut etc ... well, that would be moderately common as far as I can tell, amongst bdsmers. As much as anything, it's the MINDSET behind it that's important. Is it happening to create an atmosphere of exploration ... or is it really intended to hurt and degrade the person? The former is bdsm ... the latter is abuse.
How far do most relationships like this go, as far as abuse. He has beaten me, tortured me, made me feel humiliated.......and I love it all.
See above! Loving it is fine as long as you have definitely consented to it AND, given that you are new, you have some way of calling a halt if it goes beyond your consent. There are endless debates here too about safe words and gestures, but I advise new subs to make sure they have them in operation with Dom/mes new to them, and to be sure that they will be respected. Once more trust is established, fine, do away with them, but while they will never GUARANTEE a sub's safety, they are at least an attempt to help to ensure it.
I have a question for you ... how experienced is your partner as a Dom? Has He been active out and about in the lifestyle or has He only read about it? I'm just having some lingering concerns ... because IF He was really experienced, He should have covered these sorts of things with you, preferably before He ever laid a hand on you with these activities. That's called negotiation, and it's an extremely important stage in a D/s relationship. It's where people discuss likes and dislikes, and known limits and boundaries (accepting some may change over time, while others, often called hard limits, will never change). It's also a time for discussing safe words and gestures, and how far into the person's overall life this is intended to go. It's also a time to be upfront with other potential desires such as other partners, polyamory etc. It seems you have missed this stage ... never too late to catch up though!
If He's not experienced, then what are you doing as a couple to get more knowledge and experience to explore this in a way that minimises the risk of serious harm? It's worth noting that some people describe bdsm activities as SSC - Safe, sane and consensual - while others use RACK - Risk aware consensual kink. Whichever, it is important that what you do fits in with the impetus of these ideas ... minimising the risk of actual harm and definitely consensual. You can try googling bdsm munch and your local area and see what comes up. A munch is a nonthreatening social opportunity to meet other bdsmers, typically for drinks or a meal at a pub or restaurant. Normal clothing, and mostly normal talk (or discreet chat about bdsm), a chance to get known. Finding real friends to learn from can be fantastic. However, there is also some good reading on the web (as well as a lot of crap of course), and the boards here are a good resource also.
And I would love to talk to a dominant male, about all of this more, just to understand it from the other perspective a little more.
Well I'm not male ... but as I can speak from both Domme and sub sides, I hope that has been of help to you. All the very best and I do hope My fears are unfounded! It's just that those of us who have been around this for a while, know there are some unscrupulous ones out there who pose as Dom/mes in order to suck in a newby and actually abuse them. I would hate that to be happening to you! So it's time to have a long chat with your partner and raise some of these ideas. If he's man enough to say he doesn't know but would like to learn more ... fine. But if he says he doesn't know and doesn't care ... well, that would be a BIG RED FLAG!
Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
Thank you.
_____________________________
Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
|
New to Dom/sub Lifestyle - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread