RE: is it cheating?

RE: is it cheating? (Full Version)

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FrankAr -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 1:26:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JVHsWolfpup ok, i just found out, and he confirmed it, that he met, played, and spent a weekend with a slave he was talking with last year at folsom. he never told me till i found her profile on here and read her journal. i asked him and admitted it but says its not cheating because hes a ''master'' and can talk/do what he wants and dosent need my permison. he said he didnt tell me cuz he knew id get mad and well... i did [duh]. my question is, can a dom cheat or is playing around behind my back with other G-I-R-L-S a masters privilage? Greetings pup, Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. Yet, the measure of the man's integrity, honour, maturity and morals are all measured within his actions. Now any man can test to the fact that...females...have all but meticulous memories about pinpoint things....ie anniverseries, what they were wearing on the first meet, how many times flowers are sent...LOL..etc...you know what I mean...so knowing if the relationship was going to be monogomous or not would have been stuck into her mind in cement. Has he now been measured as a scoundrel and user, he might be, but now your worth is what YOU do with your life. Do you leave and make people think of your strength within your life? Or do you stay and then people think that anyone can walk over you? Only you can decide. Be well. Frank Ar.

Focus50 -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 3:36:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JVHsWolfpup ok, i just found out, and he confirmed it, that he met, played, and spent a weekend with a slave he was talking with last year at folsom. he never told me till i found her profile on here and read her journal. i asked him and admitted it but says its not cheating because hes a ''master'' and can talk/do what he wants and dosent need my permison. he said he didnt tell me cuz he knew id get mad and well... i did [duh]. my question is, can a dom cheat or is playing around behind my back with other G-I-R-L-S a masters privilage? Firstly, since we got zero feedback from your "topping from the bottom thread", would you mind at least telling us (or me) how old he is? I'm getting the impression from his irresponsible actions that he's around your age (20ish?) and I'd just like to know for sure. To me, the fact that he only "confirmed it" AFTER you busted and confronted him tells me he certainly was being deceitful. And to wave it away under some guise of "Master's privilege" is a gutless crock! Two threads you've started now and this bloke just keeps coming up as an immature, selfish loser who thinks by endowing himself with a fanciful title relieves him of the responsibilities that come with the "badge" - when the opposite is true! I don't agree with those who put it back on you by asking what was agreed at the start of your relationship. A relationship, any relationship, is not founded on a mantra of "buyer beware of the fine print". If he expected to play with others while with you, the fact that he dares call himself Master puts the onus on him to say so up front rather than prey on whether a teenage sub has the experience and wherewithall to know what questions to ask initially! To answer your question, anyone can cheat but it's not a right of passage. It is NOT a privilege to deceive those you're supposed to care for! Nor is being dishonest, including lying by omission. But if that's how he wants to run his life without conscience, he's allowed to do that. Just as you're equally entitled to ask yourself if you really wanna be with this nauseating oaf! Focus.

Bobkgin -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 6:01:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JVHsWolfpup ok, i just found out, and he confirmed it, that he met, played, and spent a weekend with a slave he was talking with last year at folsom. he never told me till i found her profile on here and read her journal. i asked him and admitted it but says its not cheating because hes a ''master'' and can talk/do what he wants and dosent need my permison. he said he didnt tell me cuz he knew id get mad and well... i did [duh]. my question is, can a dom cheat or is playing around behind my back with other G-I-R-L-S a masters privilage? Personally I think deceit of any kind, from either partner, erodes the trust that is essential to sustain a bdsm relationship. On the other hand, if you have no claim to know his private life, he's free to do as he pleases and share what he pleases with you, or not. In that case, it is not deceit but merely up to his discretion to tell you what he wishes about his activities. If the ground-rules for your relationship are monogamous, that would be a different story and his statements are a diversion from his guilt. Seems to me the real issue here is your feelings about what he did and whether you want the relationship to continue or not. If you continue the relationship you can expect him to see that as a tacit approval (or at the least, tolerance) of what he's doing and he'll continue doing it. It is my belief that cheaters do not stop just because they've been caught, they just get sneakier about it.

subinside -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:10:52 AM)
i think it would be really nice if she were to come back into this thread and respond.. perhaps it's just me, but i keep expecting some sort of reply from her regarding the situation, the advice given and the decision, if any, that she's made. i realize it's really none of our business, but in a way, by bringing it to the forums, she's made it our business.. just my thoughts, ymmv.

velvetears -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:49:33 AM)
i always kind of feel that way too. It's like going to the movies and falling asleep 20 minutes before it ended. i wanna know the ending!

theq -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 11:10:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Did you guys agree to monogamy? Did you agree to disclosure? What did you both set up in terms of expectations for being with others when you made the commitment? And if he didn't make sure you two talked about these things and establish/manage appropriate expectations about things important to you both then....shudders. In my line of work managing expectations and being open and honest earns me the trust of my clients. Someone I used to listen to much has said on several occasions, "expectattions - reality = disappointment". As the Dominant in the relationship I believe it should be an unwritten expectation that he'll ensure expectations are managed all along throughout the relationship. So much disappointment can be avoided when expectations are properly managed and people communicate. I think the mantle of responsibility for ensuring expectations are managed and there is a proper level of communication lies with the Dominant (although, being human, s/he can only do so much w/o the cooperation of the partner). Did he cheat? If the expectations were that you were monogamous....then most certainly he did. If that wasn't the expectation then he still cheated anyhow...by hiding it and not being open/honest. There's really no excuse....unless as LuckyAlbatross said...you agreed he can stick it wherever he wants and not tell you. I have a feeling that's not the case otherwise this thread wouldn't have been started. My empathy is with you... Q

theq -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 11:16:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub To the OP..I am not going to bother with asking what were your terms discussed before relationship started..as I feel if you had agreed to a more "open" type of relationship, you would of not been shocked about your discovery nor would he have bothered to of hidden it either..So IMO you have a dominant who is lacking..lacking the control of himself, lacking in honesty, lacking anything but the behavior of a spoiled child...to my eyes he is not a Dominant...he is not even a good man....Tempting There's a good message here. A Dominant should be in control of certain things... 1. Himself 2. The situation If he's not in control of himself....how in the devil will he be able to control you?

Exquemelin -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 11:51:24 AM)
I gotta say I'm a bit amazed by the response. He snuck around, met another girl, hid it from the OP, sounds like cheating to me. And when did relationships become poly unless we agreed to be monogamus? No offense but I think it works the other way. If he planned to meet other girls then he should have told her from the outset not the other way around. If he can't control himself, how can he control you? I say kick him in the nuts he likes busting all around town and move on. Ex

shysecrets -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 1:50:04 PM)
Even if it isnt cheating, though honestly I think it is, it is at the very least lieing, and to me I dont think that is any better. Also he is handing you that crap about him beeing the Master so he can do as he pleases and there for its not cheating, but if he really felt that way then he would not have felt the need to hide it, it would have been open and said "I am Master this is what I want to do and thats it" this is after all the attitude he is trying to give you, but that fact that he had to hide it just shows that he thought it was cheating, or at least thought it was wrong enough to hide it. I was tought something when I was very young by my mom, and that is, if you have to lie about it, it isnt something you should be doing. If Im not wrong this is the 2nd thread you have started conserning your "master" and you the other one if Im not mistaken was about how he isnt playing with you or something of the sort. I dont know but it seems very wrong with me that he is fighting with you when you ask for some play time, yet he is going off and playing with someone els... I think its time to look real long and hard and see if this is someone you want to be with. He isnt giveing you what you want or need play wise but he is off giveing the play time he wont give youto someone els.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:12:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub To the OP..I am not going to bother with asking what were your terms discussed before relationship started..as I feel if you had agreed to a more "open" type of relationship, you would of not been shocked about your discovery nor would he have bothered to of hidden it either..So IMO you have a dominant who is lacking..lacking the control of himself, lacking in honesty, lacking anything but the behavior of a spoiled child...to my eyes he is not a Dominant...he is not even a good man....Tempting I agree 100% with tempting.... Nuf said

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:17:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr quote: ORIGINAL: JVHsWolfpup ok, i just found out, and he confirmed it, that he met, played, and spent a weekend with a slave he was talking with last year at folsom. he never told me till i found her profile on here and read her journal. i asked him and admitted it but says its not cheating because hes a ''master'' and can talk/do what he wants and dosent need my permison. he said he didnt tell me cuz he knew id get mad and well... i did [duh]. my question is, can a dom cheat or is playing around behind my back with other G-I-R-L-S a masters privilage? Greetings pup, Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. Yet, the measure of the man's integrity, honour, maturity and morals are all measured within his actions. Now any man can test to the fact that...females...have all but meticulous memories about pinpoint things....ie anniverseries, what they were wearing on the first meet, how many times flowers are sent...LOL..etc...you know what I mean...so knowing if the relationship was going to be monogomous or not would have been stuck into her mind in cement. Has he now been measured as a scoundrel and user, he might be, but now your worth is what YOU do with your life. Do you leave and make people think of your strength within your life? Or do you stay and then people think that anyone can walk over you? Only you can decide. Be well. Frank Ar. I disagree 100% a Master can not do whatever he wants if it is not within the agreed terms of the relationship.... A true Master is not that insecure that he would hide something. A true Master has integrity Honor and can be trusted. Anyone who keeps a secret no matter what the reason is no more then an insecure little boy. Sir Ray

AquaticSub -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:23:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. So a "Master" can say "I'll be monogamous" but as soon as he's collared her, go back on his word? Sorry, I don't buy that load. Not a master, capital letter or otherwise. That's just an asshole.

apiercedkitty -> RE: is it cheating? (8/25/2007 10:44:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr quote: ORIGINAL: JVHsWolfpup ok, i just found out, and he confirmed it, that he met, played, and spent a weekend with a slave he was talking with last year at folsom. he never told me till i found her profile on here and read her journal. i asked him and admitted it but says its not cheating because hes a ''master'' and can talk/do what he wants and dosent need my permison. he said he didnt tell me cuz he knew id get mad and well... i did [duh]. my question is, can a dom cheat or is playing around behind my back with other G-I-R-L-S a masters privilage? Greetings pup, Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. Yet, the measure of the man's integrity, honour, maturity and morals are all measured within his actions. Now any man can test to the fact that...females...have all but meticulous memories about pinpoint things....ie anniverseries, what they were wearing on the first meet, how many times flowers are sent...LOL..etc...you know what I mean...so knowing if the relationship was going to be monogomous or not would have been stuck into her mind in cement. Has he now been measured as a scoundrel and user, he might be, but now your worth is what YOU do with your life. Do you leave and make people think of your strength within your life? Or do you stay and then people think that anyone can walk over you? Only you can decide. Be well. Frank Ar. I disagree 100% a Master can not do whatever he wants if it is not within the agreed terms of the relationship.... A true Master is not that insecure that he would hide something. A true Master has integrity Honor and can be trusted. Anyone who keeps a secret no matter what the reason is no more then an insecure little boy. Sir Ray Bravo!!

WhiplashSmile -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 1:45:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub To the OP..I am not going to bother with asking what were your terms discussed before relationship started..as I feel if you had agreed to a more "open" type of relationship, you would of not been shocked about your discovery nor would he have bothered to of hidden it either..So IMO you have a dominant who is lacking..lacking the control of himself, lacking in honesty, lacking anything but the behavior of a spoiled child...to my eyes he is not a Dominant...he is not even a good man....Tempting Glad to see, I'm not the only one thinking the same thing here. Come on folks, it's clear she thought and felt it was a monogramous relationship, why else would she be making this post. Anyways, sound like he's invoking a Dom/Master can do anything they damn well please card, as an excuse to not be held accountable for his own actions. At the outset of any BDSM lifestyle relationship, you get to lay all the cards out on the table. Limits, rules, activities and expectations. This is why people even write shit out into contacts, or sets of rules. Basically a contact is not legally binding, but damn well spells everything out on paper. Some people Love to constantly change the TERMS of AGREEMENT, and YES it's ok to change the RULE and TERMS as the relationship progresses. But you need to Let somebody know, of the RULE Changes before simply doing it, and trying to Cover Ass After the fact. Dugh....

MHOO314 -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 5:25:14 AM)
Well first of all IMHO that " I am the Master and I can do and say what I want"--whether Dom or Domina is a pile of crap---however, Like My peers have asked here, "was it discussed?"--if it was not there were some assumptions made it seems on both sides and they do not match. The fact that he did not mention it, seems to Me he asssumed monagamy too until someone came along and he tried to pull the Master trump card. Being Dominant or proclaiming One's dominance is not a license to be a schmuck--big balls don't just happen in the bedroom, they should also be big enough to tell the truth. *You have to decide how you feel about this and BE HONEST--if he can't accept that --move on.* *We say this all the time people---negotiate, negotiate, communicate, communicate.*

Viridana -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 5:32:31 AM)
Negotiated or no... I think the fact that he had to hide it says all. This is something that I would presume would be talked about before anything happens with a third party to make sure both were in agreement.

slaveish -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 6:54:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub So a "Master" can say "I'll be monogamous" but as soon as he's collared her, go back on his word? Sorry, I don't buy that load. Not a master, capital letter or otherwise. That's just an asshole. I think what he was trying to say was that the "Master" can indeed do whatever he wants, regardless of his word or honor (think how many do) but the slave does not have to remain in his service. He puts the responsibility back on the girl for taking care of her own life, which seems appropriate and realistic.

MistressKennidee -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 7:22:42 AM)
The fact that he hid what he was doing makes it look to me like he knew that it was cheating. When he got caught he took the cowards way out and cried " I'm the master to bad for you !". I would be evaluating the situation and deciding if I wanted to be with someone who found it nessicary to hide things from me.

Alumbrado -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 7:32:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. So a "Master" can say "I'll be monogamous" but as soon as he's collared her, go back on his word? Sorry, I don't buy that load. Not a master, capital letter or otherwise. That's just an asshole. And the rule that says no master can ever be an asshole is written down where exactly? Trusting someone opens you up to them doing whatever they want, for good or for ill, it is a chance we all take in dealing with others.

AquaticSub -> RE: is it cheating? (8/26/2007 8:14:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alumbrado quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: FrankAr Yes the Master can do whatever he wants and you have to live with it. He collared you, so being blunt, bad luck. So a "Master" can say "I'll be monogamous" but as soon as he's collared her, go back on his word? Sorry, I don't buy that load. Not a master, capital letter or otherwise. That's just an asshole. And the rule that says no master can ever be an asshole is written down where exactly? Trusting someone opens you up to them doing whatever they want, for good or for ill, it is a chance we all take in dealing with others. Of course masters can be assholes. God knows Valyraen has his moments. But if you agree to submit to somone under terms X, Y, and Z and then they completely negate those terms and tell you "tough shit, you are collared now"... sorry, no respect. They aren't man, a master or any other of those other respectful terms. That behavior is purely childish and deceitful. They may be oriented towards dominant in their relationships but they clearly haven't grown up enough to be in one. You can disagree all you like but I wouldn't regard that person as anything more than an overgrown child trying to get their way all the time and willing to tell all sorts of lies to do it. And of course, it is not exclusive to the BDSM world.

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