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Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:14:27 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		My ex and I broke up several months ago, but we are still entwined in ways that are taking time to disentangle.  I was more emotionally vulnerable with him than I've ever been with anyone in my adult life, and now I'm trying very hard to recapture my emotional armor, while still being able and available to the next man.

He just IMed me that he was sorry for something, and while I was sobbing, crying as hard as I've cried in the last 5 years, I IMed him  "Well--we're just doing the best we can.  I am happy for you."  And I am intellectually.  I do want him to be happy, but my walls are falling down.

Now, part of me thinks that in order to move on, I really do have to let go of any semblance of saying what I think and feel, that he could be there for me or protect me in any way, and part of me is worried he has no clue how badly he is hurting me because I'm working so damn hard to put up the "I'm fine" mask, which I worked for years to be capable of letting go of.  (I should mention, I'm not such a great actress that he hasn't a clue--I never wear sunglasses, and now I have them on all the time to hide the tears from him; he can read my emotions very well--he must be aware of what is going on behind the glasses, but he doesn't let on.)

We'll be significantly less engangled in a week and a half or so, and I can handle a week and a half of misery if it makes it easier to move on after, but I'm really struggling at the moment--any suggestions?
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:17:39 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		As someone who has broken up an 8 year relationship last August, I am still getting over it. My advice to you is to just stop all contact; it is too painful. It is also just a crutch to keep that lifeline with him (I know, been there, done that).

When I realized how much I cried whenever I spoke to him and then saw how much less I did when I had NO contact whatsoever, that helped finally sever the break.

Good luck; I know how hard this can be.

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:19:04 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		I can't stop all contact until the week after next.  We still live together and his new apartment isn't available till Sept.  After that, 60 days, no contact, but until then, there's nothing I can do.

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:25:54 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Oh,  yikes...then you will probably just have to spend as much time away from him physically as you can. Try and get involved in whatever you can, so that you do not dwell on this; but I know from experience that it is hard.

The bottom line is this: breakups are very hard, even when you know they are for the best. It takes time for the emotional pain to subside, and sadly, there is no great advice or wisdom anyone can give you.

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:40:09 PM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Is there anyone you can stay with until he moves out?

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 3:51:09 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		or anyone HE can stay with?...i mean geez....for what its worth...i am profoundly sorry you are hurting...i know it sucks...

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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 4:01:28 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		It's only another week--work is really hectic right now and I can't take off, although I'd love to.  He once mentioned getting a sublet, but I hate to ask him to pay the money--it is like $400 a week for a sublet here.  Money is tight and his costs will be going up by quite a bit--I feel like that is vindictive.  We made it work for a month, but then he slept with someone else and I can't get over it.  I feel like I'm being immature and should just deal--it is just another week, but I can't.  It hurts so bad that he found someone so quickly and I was so disposable when he meant the world to me.

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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 4:09:51 PM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, that is really rough. I would have made it a condition if he wanted to stay, that at least he would wait until he moved out before he did this. That length of time couldn't have made such a big difference to him to wait.

In the back of your mind, did you think that the two of you might get back together? I know, that's a tough question and difficult to answer.

~Big

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 4:15:27 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

In the back of your mind, did you think that the two of you might get back together? I know, that's a tough question and difficult to answer.


I didn't think I did, or at least, I didn't think it would happen in the near future, but given the intensity of my reaction, I'm pretty sure I felt like it was possible at some point.  I don't think I would have lost it like this if I hadn't thought that.

But, coming back to my initial reaction--how do I let him know how much it is hurting without being vulnerable?  Or do I?  Do I just put a happy face on with my mp3 player and say 'I'm fine' because I don't want to be vulnerable with him anymore?

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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 5:06:42 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ladychatterley

quote:

ORIGINAL: bignipples2share

In the back of your mind, did you think that the two of you might get back together? I know, that's a tough question and difficult to answer.


I didn't think I did, or at least, I didn't think it would happen in the near future, but given the intensity of my reaction, I'm pretty sure I felt like it was possible at some point.  I don't think I would have lost it like this if I hadn't thought that.

But, coming back to my initial reaction--how do I let him know how much it is hurting without being vulnerable?  Or do I?  Do I just put a happy face on with my mp3 player and say 'I'm fine' because I don't want to be vulnerable with him anymore?


my opinion is to be honest.   "right now, please, this is all fresh and hurting too bad to talk about it.  we just need to get through the next week or so, can we keep it to business only?" 

"i'm coping" is a reasonable answer to "how are you?"  

its hard to live with someone you know is leaving.  much sympathy to you

kitten, who's been there...

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 7:10:23 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Tough situation..I had gone through something similar when my ex-hubby and I were seperating/divorcing..basically..when he got home I retreated to one bedroom and he to another, each had own bathrooms..so only possibly meeting place was the kitchen..which if I heard anything coming from that direction..I avoided until he was finished..I focused on talking on phone to friends, going out for dinner, watched a lot of TV in that bedroom , a little computer time to distract..etc..etc..hence two people lived in one home with no face connection what so ever...is such possible where you live??...Tempting

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(in reply to adoracat)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 7:23:37 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		If he had the insensitivity to have sex with someone else, while still living in the home with you, and allowing you to find out, i say he doesn't deserve any consideration from you and you should not care that he will be out money for that sublet.  Obviously he's at a different point emotionally then you are going through this break up but that doesn't mean he has to trample on your emotions.  Maybe he can stay with that person he slept with - or you can suggest it.  i would be honest and let him see that he has hurt you.  It may make you seem vulnerable but you are in control of how you handle things emotionally and just because he sees you hurting doesn't mean it gives him any power over you. It just shows him you are human and what an insensitive person he is for hurting you like he did.  Once he's out you can begin to create that distance you need to regain your emotional balance.  i feel for you and hope you can gain your equilibrium quickly. 

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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/24/2007 8:48:22 PM   
bignipples2share


Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I think you're getting very good advice from many people here. I agree with Tempting.
I'm not sure why you don't want to appear vulnerable to him. I'm not sure that saying it's not acceptable for him to start having relationships with others, while you're both resolved to living together for such a short period of time, would be vulnerable. I would find it unacceptable behavior. He could have waited.

I can understand the money situation, if in the end, the fact that he would have to pay a weekly rate would also be coming out of what the two of you will be splitting. That could create a hardship for you both, in that sense.

I really can't say if he actually did anything wrong, based on your comments. 
There are so many scenerios:
a)You encouraged him to stay, just because you were nice, he wanted to move, you said there was no need. He figures you're split up and fine with the situation, therefore, moves on with his live, even though you're in the same house.
b) You'll be dividing your net worth, once he's moved and you both require that he stays, in order to meet your next months bills.

It's also hard to know if any mention were made that either of you might end up with someone else while you were both still co-habitating. The problems that might then happen. Did either of you say that it wouldn't be a problem?

If you did think it was going to be fine, then found you couldn't handle it, you should let him know to refrain from this point forward, until he is moved out.

Another factor, how much research was required by you to find out about this happening? Was it in the house you share? He didn't come home one night? He brought it up to you while you were fixing something to eat in a shared part of the house? Someone else brought it to your attention? Are you asking friends, "What's he doing now, Who is he with?"

Just things for you to consider.

~Big

< Message edited by bignipples2share -- 8/24/2007 8:55:50 PM >

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/25/2007 12:09:54 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
Lady,
I got to the part in this thread where you wrote....
 
It hurts so bad that he found someone so quickly and 
I was so disposable when he meant the world to me.
 
Hugs...so many many hugs.....
hold on...........
work more....
take walks ...
stay away from home ...
visit friends........
see a movie....
 
 
It doesnt matter if he should know if he has deeply hurt you
if he cared, he would know ....
take time to grieve and heal when he is gone,
 remember
you are more precious as a woman than he ever knew !!
 
Sir's girl


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With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to bignipples2share)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/25/2007 7:35:03 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Time and space.  Hell I took 10 years off after my last big love.  Lived my life.  But when deeply entangled I find I need space, until I get used to not being so entangled.  Till I beging to really envision the future with her/him.  And for me that tales time. And being up in each others face makes it more difficult for me.

I took some good time away from my first girlfriend.  And then we were able to be best friends for 10 years after.



_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to ladychatterley)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/26/2007 2:25:42 AM   
trusting


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline 		it is very hard to overcome the pain that we must face when we are hurt in this manner. i would advise that you stop communicating with him, contact with him only makes it that much worse on you, emotionally. you will get over it in time and the scars will heal. to put up a 'wall' to him is one thing, but i would not put it up for all men... they are truly not all the same!

i wish you the best and i am sorry that you are hurting...*hugs*

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"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/26/2007 4:20:50 PM   
ladychatterley


Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your kindness and empathy!  It was such a dark day, but (at the risk of cliches), the clouds are lifting (cue the strings) and there is a light at the end of the tunnel (cue the cymbals).  But seriously, I really do appreciate your loving kindness and empathy, and I am doing SO much better. 
Peace,
lc

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/26/2007 7:43:03 PM   
devotedsylph


Posts: 56
Joined: 8/8/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe make a "Days Left" thing and post it somewhere in your private area?

simply,
sylph

(in reply to ladychatterley)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/26/2007 11:38:59 PM   
TakenPet


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline 		I broke up with my ex in much the same way, we ended up staying in the same house when we broke up and we even ended up in the same house when we moved, not my choice, but the contact was unbearable.  There was no attraction to him, but each time he would call or write me was like a new knife in an old wound.  The best choice if you are still living together, stay with a friend, remove yourself from the situation if you can't remove him.  Its all for the sake of your sanity.  Trust yourself, listen to your heart and your gut.  I currently have no contact with my ex and I am so much happier, it was like a huge weight lifted.  The funny thing he cried more about it than I did, if I even cried at all.  No one can tell you what to do, but honestly my advice stay with a friend until he is gone, or arrange for him to do it ... but then again think about how you feel?  Stressed?  Worried? Does it bother you at all?  Think about it!

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RE: Rebuilding those emotional walls - 8/29/2007 12:22:08 AM   
venusdiva429


Posts: 44
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, honey *gives big hugs*...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breakups suck big donkey balls. It doesn't help that you're living with him, either. Minimizing contact and taking loving care of yourself is a great way to start moving on. Also, the company of loving friends will help things feel a lot better.

Be well.


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Relationships, fiction, and personal development fabulousness at Luscious Life!

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