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Divorcees - 8/25/2007 1:01:33 AM   
cinderella40228


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline 		I am in the process of a divorce, while going through this I am watching my relationship of 8 months now crumble because I am treating my new loves like I treated my ex-husband. This is a very special relationship for me because it is my first BDSM relationship on top of that it is my first polyamorous relationship.

I need suggestions on how to correct the behavior. I want to be able to correct it and them notice a tremendous difference without having to say anything to me.

Where it may seem decietful to do it like this, it is my only prayer of being able to do it on my own.
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 1:54:23 AM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline 		Perhaps with everything that is going on, being on top of a polyamourous relationship is a bit much at this time.  Any chance of just stepping back, getting the divorce out of the way first, then,  building a strong monogamous relationship followed by a workable poly relationship? Sometimes as Dominants, We begin to believe the hype that We can do all things and be all things to all people.  Sounds to Me like you need to work on issues involving the ex first IMHO.

(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 3:52:00 AM   
Constanza


Posts: 57
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline 		Well the greatest thing is you see it yourself.... so learn from your mistakes and dont forget to communicate with your new found love.

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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 4:46:23 AM   
SirDraco7


Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cinderella40228

I am in the process of a divorce, while going through this I am watching my relationship of 8 months now crumble because I am treating my new loves like I treated my ex-husband. This is a very special relationship for me because it is my first BDSM relationship on top of that it is my first polyamorous relationship.

I need suggestions on how to correct the behavior. I want to be able to correct it and them notice a tremendous difference without having to say anything to me.

Where it may seem decietful to do it like this, it is my only prayer of being able to do it on my own.


Perhaps stress from the divorce is rubbing off on them?  Perhaps it's still too soon and you're not prepared for such a relationship and committment?  

Sugguestions on how to correct the behavior depends on what the behavior is.  Plus it might be better and more effective to go ask and talk to a real life theripist about such things.  Because if you are having hang ups about the divorce and if you are being emotionally affected because of it perhaps you need to settle your mind first, which is something that us online entities that are us, cannot do as well as a real life theripist.(if at all)

Because if you know the behavior is wrong, and you want to stop, what holds you back?   Something that no simple answer could bring perhaps.

Perhaps it is too soon and perhaps it's the poly relationship.

Sorry that I'm not more helpful.  It's difficult to give advice when the question is so open like that.
Be well and I wish you all the luck.  :)

(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 5:30:59 AM   
brattybabe4u


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I am in the tail end of a bitter divorce. No only will you treat the next man as you did your ex, you will PICK ONE JUST LIKE HIM...and the pattern will continue. The best advice is to talk to a relationship therapist and work on yourself....you deserve that afte a draining marriage and divorce. I am doing just that and its hard, painful and seems forever slow for progress. Its not the easy way, but its one of the best ways to do SOMETHING FOR YOU. The big red flag is that you automatically blame yourself and think you have to change....done that before? Step back and be kind to you......I want to dive right in too....and did. It ended up a disaster with more pain. Stop beating yourself up....you are worth more than that and walking away is not failure its a healthy move for YOU.

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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 10:10:56 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		divorced over a year (finalized the day after my oldest UM's birthday which i found ironic in May of 06) and personally i've found not having a relationship while the divorce was in courts was the best thing for me.

my ex (the bigamist that he is) did everything in his power to paint me as the cheating wife but at the least the judge saw through his smear campaign awarding me full custody my UMs. plus after the divorce was finalized, i took time out for me to heal ...that's when i met Daddy months later.

my advice - back off from having a relationship until all the proceedings are over and you have time to heal from all the stress/bickering

*hugs* for you and hang in there


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(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 11:02:10 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cinderella40228

I am in the process of a divorce, while going through this I am watching my relationship of 8 months now crumble because I am treating my new loves like I treated my ex-husband.


As facetious as it sounds, simply stop doing that.

Easy to say, not so easy to do.  However, if you can recognize that within you then you have taken several large steps forward.

As for how to proceed with correcting the behavior--instead of worrying about them saying something to you, say something to them.

If you feel your behavior has been wrong, go to them and apologize.  Don't wait for them to say anything, and don't seek a punishment for it.  Just go up to them and said "I've been doing X, Y, and Z. It was wrong, and I'm sorry."  If you can take that step unbidden and unforced, more often than not you will gain considerable respect by the other party.

It may be you need to take some time away from the relationship--divorce is traumatic. It takes time to heal from it.  Give yourself the opportunity to let go of the emotional garbage it leaves behind, and be honest with your other partners that you need to do this.

Essentially, focus not on what they might say, but on what you should say.


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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 12:28:41 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cinderella40228

I am in the process of a divorce, while going through this I am watching my relationship of 8 months now crumble because I am treating my new loves like I treated my ex-husband. This is a very special relationship for me because it is my first BDSM relationship on top of that it is my first polyamorous relationship.

I need suggestions on how to correct the behavior. I want to be able to correct it and them notice a tremendous difference without having to say anything to me.

Where it may seem decietful to do it like this, it is my only prayer of being able to do it on my own.
Divorces are hard, they do take a toll, unrealized ,as you proceed through them. Even when that divorce is something you are oh so ready for, they still create an emotional vulnerability, a weakening of self that will take some time to work out. In essence it is not surprising you are transferring all the angst of the divorce upon those in your new relationship...how do you stop?....By being self aware..you recognise what you are doing...and with that recognition should come the control you need to put your behavior in check....But keep in mind that you still need to experience the emotions you have. To lock them up, means they will still eventually need to come out and be dealt with..I am a big proponent of calm, honest communication..You may have to sit down with your loves and calmly explain the trials and tribulations of what you are experiencing and ask for their help..Tempting

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(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 1:32:37 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I don't agree with everything Dr. Laura says, but she has some good advice at times.   One good piece of advice is that after a close relationship ends, whether by death, divorce, or breaking up, a person should take a year off from getting involved with someone again.  This allows for healing time.  This prevents rebound relationships, and begins to get rid of some of the baggage one is left with after the break up.  This allows time for you to get strong emotionally. 

I took Dr. Laura's advice.   I've never regretting doing so.  I am a very different person that i would have been if i'd gotten involved again quickly.  I broke the habit of reacting to someone in a particular and negative way.   I learned to enjoy being with me. 

You are already involved so the option of taking a year off is not possible.  You've got to do a lot of soul searching and figure out how to break your relationship habits.  It's not going to be as easy as it would have been if you weren't involved.  You'll need the help of your partners to guide you through all this.  Since you've already involved them, it's not something you can now do by yourself.  Although i know you'd prefer doing this on your own, it's no long an option so suck it up and communicate your fears and problems.   

(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 7:21:34 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		My personal opinion is that when you are ending one relationship, committing yourself in another relationship is not and ideal idea. Not only for yourself but also for the people who are involved in the new relationship. Most people don't want to be that rebound guy/chick. You say you are treating your new loves the same way you were treating your ex. Now I don't know what behaviour exactly you are referring to. But it sounds like you haven't really resolved your personal issues from the previous relationship. Maybe if you do that... the behavioural change will follow without effort. 

(in reply to peppermint)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 8:43:02 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the previous posts.  Even though, I was married for only 4 years, the divorce still affected me and during that time, I did not get involved with anybody for about 1-2 years. 

I cannot tell you to pull away from your present relationship but a good therapist who specializes in family counseling may be beneficial and to help you move on.

Divorce can be a mixture of uncertainty and evaluation of what went wrong.  Please don't beat yourself up and communicate to those in expressing what you are going through at your present situation.  



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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 9:34:22 PM   
devotedsylph


Posts: 56
Joined: 8/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cinderella40228

I am in the process of a divorce, while going through this I am watching my relationship of 8 months now crumble because I am treating my new loves like I treated my ex-husband. This is a very special relationship for me because it is my first BDSM relationship on top of that it is my first polyamorous relationship.

I need suggestions on how to correct the behavior. I want to be able to correct it and them notice a tremendous difference without having to say anything to me.

Where it may seem decietful to do it like this, it is my only prayer of being able to do it on my own.


I know that the general consensus so far has been to back off of the new relationship, but you could have figured that out on your own, so I'm going to try a different angle.

If you are able to identify specific behaviours that you are engaging in, why not enlist the help of your new partners in correcting it?  Set up some sort of signal that they can give you when you're 'doing it again' - perhaps a word, or they can just outright say "You're doing it again".  It sounds like you don't realize you're doing it while it's going on and don't see the what and why until after the fact - so try correcting it as you're doing it.

Simply,
sylph

(in reply to cinderella40228)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/25/2007 9:47:56 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Being involved DURING the divorce adds a lot of stress to the new relationship. Been there done that. Your knee jerk reactions to anyone else right now woud be to fall back into your old way of interacting.  That takes a long while to unlearn. The essential is to let your partners know you know theres a problem.  Make sure they know you are aware of it, and that in and of itself might help. ASk them for help correcting the behavior. Regardless of your positon in the relaitonship as the D or the s... make sure that the person you are treating inappropriately can let you know that when it happens.  And make sure they understand that it might get better once the stress of the divorce and having to see your ex and deal with them is gone.

Good luck
DV



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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to devotedsylph)
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RE: Divorcees - 8/26/2007 2:31:08 AM   
trusting


Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline 		it is very hard to focus on yourself and a relationship with having all of this going on in your life. i would step back and make sure that you agree with the things you are pursuing... you may jump into something simply because you are lonely? it takes time to heal from a relationship and we may do many unreasonable things during this process to 'find' ourselves.

take your time in making decisions and do what you feel is best, always follow your heart and you should do fine!

i wish you the very best, i know it is tough!

< Message edited by trusting -- 8/26/2007 2:32:57 AM >

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(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 14
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