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RE: Dom personality trait questions I'd like to feild... - 7/9/2005 1:13:54 AM

slatyb

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet

Though I'm not sure whether they fit in this section or not. In any case, I will start.

I am a dom, of this I am sure. But I have a problem, and am not sure whether or not it is natural for a dom to have such a problem. I know insecurities are one thing, but this probably takes it to a whole new level -- I have no self-esteem. I mean none, at all.

Been there. Consider seeing a therapist. It really could help. Your lack of self-esteem was learned somehow, probably when you were rather young. It can be unlearned. Evidently other people think you are ok, you just need to be convinced that they are right. Good luck.

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)

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Post #: 21

RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/9/2005 6:55:13 AM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeraphSjhet

Having (over the last what... five minutes?) thought about it, I've remembered my speculation on why I have no self-esteem. My primary theory is because I feel that I'm just not good enough/attractive enough/adequate in other areas... *ahem*
etc.

I'm not really sure if that is what's causing my lack in self-esteem, though.

Greetings SeraphSjhet

I am typing My thoughts as I read the posts so this is going to come in bits and pieces.

Your primary theory is the most common reason for low self-esteem but only you are in the position of knowing for sure. A counsellor of any kind can only ask you the right questions to allow you to find the answers inside yourself. A low self-esteem is definately possible even with a Dominant personality that shows clearly to others. For example, I learned to have a low self-esteem because I believed the lies about Myself I was told growing up. My parents and other adults still tell tales showing just how Dominant I was. The two can be separate issues. As My self-esteem increased so did the quality of My Dominance. Most likely, as you gain some more sexual experiences and accept that your sex is satisfactory, your personal self-esteem will increase.

A commanding presence may very well carry over onto your net activities but may perform a primary function of weeding out submissives that would not be suitable for your personal dynamics. My suggestion would be to be yourself. You are seeking a submissive who will mesh with you and trying to present yourself in any other way will draw the wrong submissive to you.

I am concerned that you have stated that

quote:

no one, to date, has let me get that close to them physically, mentally, or spiritually.

Is this just in BDSM or in other areas of your life? If this occurs in other ares then you probably have some interior walls to identify and deal with.

Please remember that Old Souls tend to look at the world slightly differently and may not make sense to some people.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to SeraphSjhet)

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Post #: 22

RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/9/2005 8:43:02 AM

SeraphSjhet

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLady

I am concerned that you have stated that
quote:

no one, to date, has let me get that close to them physically, mentally, or spiritually.
Is this just in BDSM or in other areas of your life? If this occurs in other ares then you probably have some interior walls to identify and deal with.

Please remember that Old Souls tend to look at the world slightly differently and may not make sense to some people.

Gentle Lady[/font][/color]

There's only one area it affects, really... And it's a slightly broader area than just the BDSM -- My entire sex-life.
There have really only been two people who have opened up to me in that way, but neither to the extent that gets really close (from what I can see, anyway) to any sort of BDSM.

An interesting thing to note, though, I am content with the level that one of them is at, and don't want that to change with that person... but it doesn't fill the want.

(in reply to GentleLady)

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Post #: 23

RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/9/2005 12:53:14 PM

pleasureforHim

Posts: 171
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline

SeraphSjhet; i think You are operating on some bad information. i have no freaking idea how men find out about the size of every other man's penis -- there is no comparable experience for women, not even with boobs -- but even assuming Yours is average -- i need You to know i cannot have sex with a man whose penis is too large. It's a physical impossibility for me; i am small; and i am always relieved when a lover first undresses and i see that --- ah -- things will be okay. i have sent two men home for hurting me. i really do get torn up. And there are other women like myself.

Quite apart from that; it REALLY IS NOT ABOUT SIZE. i do not know You; You are not my lover; i have no reason to lie just to make You feel better. i am 51 years old and have had enough lovers to say with confidence -- it is the Man; how he moves; whether he makes me feel pretty; whether he makes me aroused before he enters me; whether he seems to care about my pleasure -- and if those things are not present, his cock (of any size) just dun mean shit. i fake an orgasm and hope he gets the f**k offa me soon.

You are only 21 years old, Sir; You have a lifetime a learning about women and their pleasures ahead of You. Perhaps some of Your friends have bragged to You about their conquests or prowess, but i was once 21 myself; and men at that age are not experienced; they have exuberance, but not a great deal of knowledge.

i suggest You buy a few "Adam and Eve" tapes and watch them..that should help You feel more secure about love-making.

i also suggest You enter therapy; as it does seem someone has hurt You deeply.

i wish You a serene and joyous life, Sir.

pleasureforHim

< Message edited by pleasureforHim -- 7/9/2005 12:56:58 PM >

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Post #: 24

RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/9/2005 10:00:00 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Ok, I've read enough!

Mate, you're *21* years old and by your own admission lack general experience with the opposite sex! Before you put up a profile seeking a pet to "give up themsleves to me, completely....", how about just getting out into the vanilla world and getting yourself some *life experience*, FIRST! If you haven't got your own "shit" together, and you clearly haven't, you're sure as hell in no position to be seeking responsibility for another, esp within a sub or slave ownership dynamic!

It's not Dom skills or traits you're lacking; it's life skills! You get them by living life, by making your own mistakes and learning from them.... Get a job if you haven't got one; get your own place etc, manage your finances - all the things that teach you responsibility.... One thing BDSM is not is "basic training" for life; come back in search of your own pet when you have the maturity and self-esteem to lead by example, not talk lifestyle buzz words....

One trait that comes to mind in BDSM, and isn't just for the dominants, is the "trait" of being comfortable in your own skin! It's about accepting who you are rather than what you have or lack relative to others! Personally, I think you have enough about you to be the Dom you believe yourself to be. Contrary to what you may read in Dom profiles on sites such as bondage.com, it's not a Dom trait to have the apparently "standard" 8 inch cock at all. It's not easy to publicly admit your own perceived inadequacies down there but I see it as an honesty (an excellent trait), even if you're apparently using it for self ridicule and evidence of low self-esteem. I once read somewhere that the average erect penis is just over 5 inches long - whatever you have, it's what you'll always have so stop making it an issue.

The only thing I think is unhealthy in your attitude is the way you seem to wear *apparent* low self-esteem as some badge of honour! If it's not broken , don't fix it but if it really is, then do something about it! Something more than "brag" about your perceived shortcomings.

But first go and experience life.... BDSM is like college or university and is for the mature of mind; you get there after graduating high school, NOT before!

Focus50.

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Post #: 25

RE: Dominant Personality Traits - 7/10/2005 4:09:25 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

I am a dom, of this I am sure. But I have a problem, and am not sure whether or not it is natural for a dom to have such a problem. I know insecurities are one thing, but this probably takes it to a whole new level -- I have no self-esteem. I mean none, at all. Now, despite this, I cope, and handle other people just fine, I think... Other people have agreed with me, and seem suprised that I do cope as well as I do. But my question here is, is it normal for a dom to have such a problem?

It isn't unusual for a dominant personality to have self esteem problems. After all, dominant are human and are not super heroes - there are many myths that surround dominance - and the whole romantic idea that dominant persons are completely infalible, don't make mistakes, cope all the time is just that - a myth. The positive thing is to realise this and realise you have the ability to crumble - because this means you are aware of yourself and to be self aware is a very big step.

I don't know about 'handling' others - I think that is all subjective - people can tell you its all ok and that your doing a great job until they are blue in the face, but unless you feel the benefit and feel the job is done to your satisfaction - the feelings of insecure self esteem will continue. What is the best course of action is to see the fruits of your labours blossom, not just hear from others that they are 'ok'.

I personally have two trains of thought on self esteem. I believe that until one can trust themself and be secure in their own image and ways, that you cannot care completely for another in a way that is productive and constructive to both relations. The second is that sometimes, it takes an extremely special person to bring out the security within you - you may not have found him/her yet - but if you have patience, it can happen.

quote:

My second question has to do with something the people I associate with noticed about me. I have a very commanding presence. My questions on this are, is that definitely a good thing to have, does it carry over through the net, and is it scaring the people I want to talk to away?

A commanding pressence has nothing to do with dominance. It doesn't mean you have huge self esteem. It just means that people are making judgements based upon their perceptions of a look, a personality. Does it carry over the net? Only if you desire it to - and it wont always be commanding to everyone. As for scaring people away - no one can or should answer that to you, only those that have walked away can. And if you ask them - if they were any friend at all - they will answer - if they don't, then their opinion is of no consequence anyways.

quote:

My third, and final question might just be easier to answer than the other two. Then again, it might be harder... I'm not sure. The question is this. Should a dom be assertive, (but of course, not overly so) or should the sub come to them, first?

Not really. A dominant should know himself and what he wants and not accept second best. A dominant should be prepared to compromise and learn and paitent. Once a submissive or slave begins to give over her submission to you, then your compromise will become less as you begin to control what she trusts you with. If you have an interest in a sub then there is no reason why you cannot show interest in her/him. If you sense something isnt right or you have a feeling or intuition - also a reason to approach them.

I know you have come to the forum to ask advice, but the best advice is to do what you feel is right. There isn't any one true wayism - if its comfortable for you - then go with the flow. If it makes you happy and content and raises your esteem - do it - all you need is to be risk aware and open to the fact that perfection doesn't exist - you may make a mistake - so might the sub - and that just because your way isn't everyones way doesn't make it wrong.

quote:

Embarassment is somewhat hard to press upon me... But yes, I feel insecure because I don't have much sexual experience, and because I feel that I don't have a large enough penis... even though my previous sexual partner heartily disagrees with me.

Does size matter - it can do. I am not going to lie. But it is also what you do with it that counts - and what else you can do as well. There are so many devices and toys you are yet to experiment with I would expect, and BDSM is - to some people - much more than how big a penis might be. Its spiritual to some - tactile - and to some, physical. - others sexual. You just need to have patience to find the person who will best suit your requirements.

Centre on who you are - not what you was - and be open to who you will be. Find your desires and needs - list them if you must - clear a sheet and be yourself for a while - not what people say you are or think you are or try to press upon you. Be yourself and be comfortable in that. Until you can trust yourself and your own feelings - you cannot expect any other to trust you and your feelings.

Peace and Love