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Aftercare - 8/26/2007 5:55:54 AM

OsirisIna

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/11/2007
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I for one am not very good at aftercare. I am sure there are others out there who are like me in this matter. So to remedy this why don't we start sharing ideas on this important subject. Also is there any difference in aftercare between men and women?

I know I can use all the help I can get in this matter.

Post #: 1

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 6:15:32 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
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For me, and the relationship that I have, I live with and am engaged to my switch partner, so the best aftercare for me is him cleaning me up when I'm so out of it I'm practically passed out, on such an endorphin high that I can't function, then curling up with me in his arms and loving me into sleep.

_____________________________

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(in reply to OsirisIna)

Post #: 2

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 7:39:59 AM

Phin

Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
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Aftercare is different for each sub, I have seen subs (both men an women) the start to cry after a good scene. I have also seen subs that do not want to be touched. You should base your reactions on what your sub needs.

_____________________________

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"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 3

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 7:41:24 AM

instynctive

Posts: 2726
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What Phin said.

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RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 7:42:14 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

We don't do a lot of aftercare, but what we do is real important to me.
When we're by ourselves, aftercare pretty much amounts to just resting together for a little bit - whether we cuddle or not.
When we're in public though, I can't manage a lot of voices (except his) being directed at me or about me that I'm expected to somehow answer. The last time we played in public, someone who knows me very well, came over to ask him if I was ok. I know that this person was maybe just concerned, but that one liner was so abrasive that I physically cringed. Talking to each other around me isn't the issue, it's the getting in the middle of what he and I are doing that drives me batty.

Most of the time, my Master sits or stands in such a way as to block out a lot of other people who may not understand this. I'm able to lean against him for a while, or rest, head on his knee while I kind of find the world again. Even after that, part of our aftercare is that he keeps others away from me while I'm cleaning up and packing up toys and getting dressed. That task is part of separating from the session for me. And even after THAT, I will sit quietly for a while, not wanting anyone to come talk to me or get in the middle of my head in any way, shape or form.

Unfortunately, being dressed and sitting off to the side is somehow an invitation to others that all is fine again and they can go on socializing. But it really doesn't work that way for me at all.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 8/26/2007 7:46:25 AM >

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 5

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 7:44:17 AM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

I for one am not very good at aftercare. I am sure there are others out there who are like me in this matter. So to remedy this why don't we start sharing ideas on this important subject. Also is there any difference in aftercare between men and women?

I know I can use all the help I can get in this matter.

It is person specific, not gender specific.
And certainly you would have discussed this with anyone before you played for the first time, right?

Usually there are physical needs, such as sitting down, a blanket (or no blanket), water, and a comforting touch (or no touch), as well as emotional... again dictated by whatever it takes to bring the bottom down in the manner best for them.

< Message edited by Alumbrado -- 8/26/2007 8:19:11 AM >

(in reply to Phin)

Post #: 6

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 8:43:58 AM

sneakybear

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

Ya like Phin said...

It's definetly and seriously important to understand the needs of your sub. Communication and constant updating as you evolve is an absolute. Our after care has evolved from simple cuddling to massage and what amounts to foreplay.

(in reply to Alumbrado)

Post #: 7

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 8:49:34 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

I for one am not very good at aftercare.

Perhaps it is more that you are not very good at asking what the other person likes/needs/requires for after care.

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"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to OsirisIna)

Post #: 8

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 8:53:27 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
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i, personally, wouldn't be with a Dom that didn't provide at least decent aftercare - and it's something that we discuss beforehand. i certainly don't want to find myself curled in the fetal position because He neglected to provide for me after...
As a personal note, i'm a cuddler after a scene... the length of cuddling i need varies depending on what's transpired... after, i like to talk about the scene - maybe discuss what worked and what didn't while it's still fresh in my mind...

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normal is a setting on a washing machine...

(in reply to OsirisIna)

Post #: 9

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 8:59:59 AM

instynctive

Posts: 2726
Status: offline

Hrmmm.. if you're that coherent during/after a scene, your dom isn't doing his job.. ;-)

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Post #: 10

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 9:00:33 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I'm always cold afterwards unless I've been pallet wrapped. What I need first is to be warmed up. He usually wraps a blanket around me and then lies down next to me so his heat comes through but he won't overheat by being inside the blanket. If that doesn't work (which it usually does) then he's been known to make me tea and have to hold it for me if I'm shivering too hard to do so myself.

Once warm I want sleep. Ten minutes minimum but an hour is heavenly. Frequently he'll nap too. Once we're both up then we get something to eat.

Blanket, bottles of water, thermos of something hot and sweet to help restore temperature and raise plummeted blood sugar. But most of all, don't make me have to drive until I'm recovered.

(in reply to apiercedkitty)

Post #: 11

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 9:15:40 AM

apiercedkitty

Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: instynctive

Hrmmm.. if you're that coherent during/after a scene, your dom isn't doing his job.. ;-)

Ok... in all fairness... most of the time i have to return home - where my children are... so i have to be somewhat coherent in a relatively short amount of time...

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(in reply to instynctive)

Post #: 12

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 9:17:30 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsirisIna

I for one am not very good at aftercare. I am sure there are others out there who are like me in this matter. So to remedy this why don't we start sharing ideas on this important subject. Also is there any difference in aftercare between men and women?

I know I can use all the help I can get in this matter.

I think the best thing that I can do for you is tell what I need from aftercare. Take what you think useful and leave the rest.

After a scene, particularly one where Valyraen has used his "creepy guy" persona, I need him. I need my snuggly owner who pets my hair and reminds me that I'm his good Kitten and tells me that I've pleased him. When I get the signal that it's all over, I tend to just crumble against him and cling. As long as I get to stay in his arms where I feel safe and secure, I can come out of my space slowly and enjoy the high. As I regain the ability to talk coherantly, depending on how "high" I got I will lose it, we start talking about silly things and I generally tell him how much fun I had, what I liked and so forth. He stays there with me until I'm ready to leave my zone, making sure that I'm reminded of how loved and treasured I am. I find this to be very important after a rape scene or after a scene where he has been quite threatening, but not so much during a playful scene where it's more Valyraen taking pleasure in his Kitten.

Edited to add: Like others have said, having a blanket and water nearby are also smart things to do. I strongly suggest doing them ahead of time and having them nearby. Depending on how high I got and how intense the scene was I don't want to let go of Valyraen, even for him to get a blanket. I have to have contact with him.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/26/2007 9:20:18 AM >

_____________________________

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to OsirisIna)

Post #: 13

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 9:19:36 AM

suitemindcrime

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: the dark recesses of an overactive imagination
Status: offline

It is very much like Phin said.

I have a wide range after a scene - from laughter to abject tears and occasional hysterical sobbing. It's when i hit the hysterical sobbing that some wall or brick in a wall has been crumbled and i NEED cuddles and blankies.

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070-042-204

"I now no longer moved as a free woman, even a beautiful one, of Earth. I now moved, and naturally, as what I was, uninhibited and shameless, taunting, catlike, insolent, a Gorean slave girl.
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(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 14

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 10:53:38 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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This is a good topic...and one that Master and i still have some fine tuning to do on. or at least thats my take on it at this point. i am curious, do you still need this aftercare stuff if you dont get that subspace thingy? just wondering....

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Post #: 15

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 11:53:03 AM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

How much and what form aftercare takes is different for every person. As has been said it's not gender specific, it's person specific.

What I might also add, is that it's not even role specific either. Yeah, tops sometimes need aftercare, too!

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I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to OsirisIna)

Post #: 16

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 12:13:57 PM

DarkDaddyZ

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Joined: 4/7/2006
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I always see that many think that the aftercare is for the submissive....but I believe in power exchange BOTH the Dom and submissive need it and it is provided to each other.

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Post #: 17

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 12:20:45 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

with out aftercare it is like sex with out love wham bam thank you subbie or dommie or dom lol or all the above or below or in between

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)

Post #: 18

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 12:30:21 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

I recently started a new relationship with a relatively new Domme. One of the things that deeply impressed me with her was the fact that she seemed honestly concerned about my state, after our first exploratory scene had ended. She talked soothingly to me, made sure to hug me me a lot, asked questions about how I had reacted to the various things we had tried together. She took me out to coffee, and we talked... In other words, she made sure that I was completely down and safely in the hangar after my flight. It also meant she enjoyed my company, and was not in a hurry to go. The next day, she called me to check to see if everything was still okay, even after a shower and a good night's sleep. Like I said, she deeply impressed me.

Things that others have done for me, in the name of aftercare:

One Domme massaged all the welts on my back and ass with some warm oil.

Another snuggled me in the hot tub, telling me that I was the most wonderful thing that had happened to them in a long time.

Another called my wife, and told her that she was keeping me overnight. I wasn't in any shape to drive, and that she shouldn't worry. (They were good friends anyway.)

One read me a story while I was falling asleep. (Just to remind me that she was still there... and I wasn't alone.)

One got up, got dressed, went down to the front desk of the hotel we had met at, and negotiated a late check out with the hotel manager, just so I could sleep in for a few extra hours the next morning, after she had raked me over the coals until 4:00 a.m.

Aftercare is something you do because you honestly care about your partner's well being. To not consider it to be a requirement to your scenes is the equivilent to the straight practice of "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" sex. Sure, you get your jollies... but it makes your partner feel like a peice of dirt. (and not in a good, erotically charged, BDSM way!) It's a way of keeping the romantic heat from an encounter smouldering, well after the peak has been reached, and you've both slid back down to the base on the other side.

The fact that you started this thread at least proves that you know you have a failing in this area, and are willing to work at correcting it... Not a bad start. :)

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 19

RE: Aftercare - 8/26/2007 1:01:59 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

I always see that many think that the aftercare is for the submissive....but I believe in power exchange BOTH the Dom and submissive need it and it is provided to each other.

Aftercare for me is the intimacy afterwards, in getting him something to drink, patting his face with a damp cloth, and massaging him. I love doting on him and touching him, and doing this when I'm still reeling enhances the closeness to him that I feel. When he is taken care of, then I can relax at his feet, content and peaceful.

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)

Post #: 20

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