Communication issues, how should I work through them?

Communication issues, how should I work through them? (Full Version)

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Trunks1056 -> Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 9:28:12 AM)
I've never been the best at putting my feelings and emotions about something into words, but here it goes. I met a Domme here on Collar Me about a month ago. She found me, and we started talking for a couple of weeks. Normally we'd text each other's phones every day and talk on the phone every other day or so. Many of the conversations were long, or initiated by her. When she got back from a trip she was on, (She was in LA, I'm near SF) we planned on meeting to hang out. This whole time we were still communicating often. After many complications and scheduling conflicts, (Due in part to her getting a new full time job and us living 70 miles apart) we were finally able to meet in person. This was 2 weeks ago now. When I was hanging out with her, she also had a bunch of her friends along, so I felt like I was tagging along with her and her friends rather than hanging out with her. I really didn't get to talk with her as much as I wanted to because of that. (I'm somewhat of a shy person before I can get comfortable around people I don't know) After we hung out, we kept in contact via text messaging and the occasional phone call. Only a few days after we had met and hung out, communication with her has become much more sporadic to non-existant. She hasn't texted me in a while now on her own accord, and she has only replied to me trying to initiate conversations once or twice after quite a few attempts. Even then, it seems as if her messages are short and she isn't putting a lot of effort into conversing with me. She has told me that she wants me as a sub (not in so many words), however she hasn't been talking to me much recently at all. I haven't been incessantly trying to talk to her either as I don't want to annoy her. I'll try sending maybe one or two text a day or every other day, but if she doesn't reply I wont keep hounding her. My problem is that I'm a talkative and social person who hates to be lonely. While I do have a job and school, I would still like to talk to her while we're apart, even if it is just simple things like how her day was or how work is going for her. This is compounded by the fact that the next time she says she'll be able to meet and hang out in person is going to be sometime starting a week from today, so it will be almost a month between seeing her in person. Without communication between that time, it feels like we're just only seeing each other on those days and not talking otherwise, which is quite a change from when we first met and talked almost every day. I'm really new to the whole D/S relationship dynamic and relationships in general, so what would be the best way or possible ways of working through this communication problem? Should I be very upfront about it and just tell her I don't think we talk enough and we should talk more? Would it be better to merely ask the question of why don't you talk to me much? Could it also just be best to let things happen as they do, and sit back to see if she starts talking more on her own accord? Honestly I'm not sure how to deal with this issue, but it really is bothering me. Can you please help or give me advice?

slaveish -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 9:34:06 AM)
Perhaps she is considering how you acted around her friends. Were you standoffish? You say you are shy but later in your post you say you are social. Could you be too clingy? Communication can be non-verbal. She could be expressing that she's just not that into you. Then again, maybe she's busy. Or drained. It could be just about anything. One thing for sure - you're not going to find out here because none of us is She. Ask succinctly, without whining or demanding. And if her answer isn't clear to you, use your common sense.

shyinini -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 9:52:19 AM)
*One thing in your post annoys me..... she brought a bunch of friends, when she was to meet you.* If that had happened to me, I would have walked away. It would have been like ~ I wasnt that important enough to meet one on one. *I hope you decide what is best for you, not for her.* Sir's girl

umisprite -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 9:58:31 AM)
From my experieince, if someone is sincerely interested in me and I in them, our contact does not wane. On the occasions when communication dropped off after a first meet it was clear that someone was just not feelin' it, either he or I. Try to look back objectively on that first meet. Things are not always as they seem at first. If she seems to be stringing you along I would find a diplomatic way to bring up your feelings, let her know that you need more attention that perhaps she can give at this time. Maybe she really is just busy, tied up with the new job or whatever. Or maybe she is unsure, still shopping or figuring out how to cut the strings. Whatever the case, if you mention your concerns to her time will surely tell. Only she can answer your questions.

slaveish -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 11:12:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shyinini *I hope you decide what is best for you, not for her.* Good advice for anyone really.

DrkJourney -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/26/2007 11:52:12 AM)
Since I don't know either of you there are questions you might want to ask yourself. Now keep in mind I don't know of how your conversations went, so I can only tell of some things that I have run into. You state that conversations were usually initiated by her....were you actually participating in a give and take type conversation, or just responding to whatever she wrote? Were you treating her like someone that you would go up to and talk to in a place like Starbucks? a general conversation where you both contribute or where you doing the I'm a sub/slave thing, thinking that she is supposed to do all the "work" in getting conversations going, because she's the Domme? Remember, she is not your Domme until you two actually agree and commit, until then you are just two people. You said you haven't tried because you don't want to "annoy" her....she might look on this as lack of interests on your part, and she doesn't want to continue to "annoy" you? As far as her bringing her friends....maybe it was just set up at first to be a safety net type thing.....maybe if she was not getting enough give and take conversation wise, from you, she felt like the meeting would be awkward and brought friends along to make things more comfortable. There had to be moments here and there where you could've talked just to her, even if it was at a table. Maybe if on that first meeting she felt that you were really into it, the second meeting would've been just the two of you. She was in your town right? Well actually doesn't matter whether it was in your town or not, Did you do any of the inviting? planning? Did you call her after the first meeting at her hotel or where ever and invite her to dinner , sight seeing? or where ever, just the two of you? I know I've had emails that were like pulling teeth...when I mention this, they said they are better in IM....when I IM, still nothing....I mention this, and they claim phone is their thing...guess what same thing...then they claim face to face is better. I feel this is the ulitmate last resort...meeting makes me not just words on a screen or a faceless voice on the phone, meeting makes me real, flesh and blood, and if considering a life together, this should really work right? Of course we just basically sit there and stare at each other after I've tried every topic from music to global warming to get the guy in a conversation. I"m not saying this is you...or this is how she felt...only my experiences....because after I got home, I didn't feel like the struggle any more either. I at least tell the guy I don't think it will work out between us, I don't just leave him hanging. In my opinion, it's a lonely, boring life if you can't have a conversation with your partner. If you are just looking for "something" to train, none of this matters...but, if you are looking for not only a sub/slave but a companion....a large percentage hinges on being able to click, and that takes conversation. If you are shy, you might want to try to push past that, because it might come off as just not caring about all this one way or another. Maybe she felt like if you didn't care enough to put yourself into it, why should she? As I said I am only pulling from my experiences, but from what you write you seem to leave an awful lot on her, and you seem to just sit back for the ride. Trust me, it can be exhausting....and to me it shows the person if just not into me, so why keep beating my head against the wall? If you honestly care about her, I do hope you find the words to talk to her. Show her that you do give a damn and you might be suprised. edited to add: reading your profile, it says you like to ask a bunch of questions..you are new, this is fine...but you can also ask a question and build a whole conversation on it....if you do nothing but ask questions or as I run into time and time again, when I'll ask the person to tell me about himself, usually cause he had little or no profile, and try to build a conversation from some things he says....I get the, ask me any question you like, response, which means to me, they don't want to put any effort into this at all, they want you to sit and do all the work....so not fair.....it's not really getting to know your personality, it's just some interview.....which is boring

Celeste43 -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/27/2007 9:38:10 AM)
If she wanted to see you again, talk to you again she would be doing so. She's being very passive aggressive here, trying to end it without saying that although you're a nice guy, she just doesn't feel the spark she needs. I'm presuming she brought friends as a safety measure, but she should have asked them to sit at a separate table while she had her blind date. Next time, talk about the details beforehand and ask for an honest response instead of getting this kind of brush off.

ChainsandFreedom -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/27/2007 10:57:30 AM)
Trunks, congradulations on a first meet for a scene you're 'new' at. I just wanted to respond to one specific part of your message: quote: I'm really new to the whole D/S relationship dynamic and relationships in general, so what would be the best way or possible ways of working through this communication problem? Should I be very upfront about it and just tell her I don't think we talk enough and we should talk more? Would it be better to merely ask the question of why don't you talk to me much? Could it also just be best to let things happen as they do, and sit back to see if she starts talking more on her own accord? -Untill specific D/s aspects are discussed, like how to adress each other or other expectations, treat it as you would a regular relationship: D/s means far too many differerant things to far too many differant people to have a specific protocal without communication. Think of a potential partner as a regular person untill D/s is communicated. Especially if she met you with friends-that would tend to send a clear message to 'keep it normal'. As a regular person, put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't she already know that her lack in communication would be taken as a lack of interest? If she isn't apologizing or explaining her lack in communication, expect that she knows you feel cold-shouldered. Directly ask her why she's doing it. But don't expect an honest answer-I agree with Celeste that she seems to be very passive agressive, or simply passive. Women don't typically like clingly men, unless its something she's looking for maybe in a sub, so don't cling-move on, and if she's interested she'll understand why you moved on and reach back out to you. I hope I don't offend anyone when I say that personally, the hope that a dominant woman would be LESS passive and more straight forward than the norm (in theory if not practice) is part of what attract me to these women in the first place. Also, bringing her friends along makes sense for an online meet in theory but in practice its kinda weird. Most of my close vanilla and scene friends have all met someone or many poeple through the internet-meeting in large social groups blocks comunication and getting to know each other. What would having her friends along accomplish that simply keeping the date to a public place like a restaurant or a coffie shop wouldn't? EIther she doesnt expect to be able to trust you or she relies too much on her friends opionion-which will be bad seeing as she's looking for a sub male not a vanilla boyfriend, and they probably wouldnt understand her specific requirments. chalk it up to one of the many detours on the road to finding the ultimate, sexy domme and move on. That way, you'll save yourself from any more involvement and heartache-and you'll put yourself in a position to be pleasantly surprised if she DOES want to meet more, which could well still be the case. If you cling too much, you'll just come off as needy and you wont truly know if that second date is out of interest or a sense of passive obligation on her part.

Trunks1056 -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/27/2007 1:10:59 PM)
Wow, there is a ton of usefull information here. Thank you all very much, and if anyone else wants to add their input please do so! Side note, I did treat us hanging out as something Vanilla, but I was pointing out that I am new to having relationships, D/S "style" or otherwise.

ThunderRoad -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/28/2007 11:25:20 AM)
Anyone who can't be bothered with a two minute email when you ask why they aren't as responsive obviously is so full of themselves as to not be worth your time. We get this all the time with subs we talk to as well. Things will go well, or at least appear to. Similair interest and a desire to move forward and then suddenly BAM they don't respond to emails or IMs or anything. People flaking out is bad. People flaking out and not even bothering to take the few seconds it takes to say they are no longer interested is worse. Pisses us off to no end if for no other reason than it is completely rude. Yes yes, some people always come back with "well some guys won't take no for an answer". That's well and fine and you can easily put them on ignore if that happens. But at least take 30 seconds to make things clear. (end of rant)

callistaIn -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/28/2007 11:42:56 AM)
quote: *she brought a bunch of friends, when she was to meet you.* If that had happened to me, I would have walked away. It would have been like ~ I wasnt that important enough to meet one on one. I would have to ask...what is actually wrong with this? I have taken friends with me when I have gone to meet a dominant for the first time. In fact, the first time I did this, I was told by the Mistress that I had gone to meet that no submissive or slave should ever meet a Dominant alone the first time ( not something that I really agree with, but that's besides the point ). quote: *I hope you decide what is best for you, not for her.* I do agree with this though. You should do what is right for you; not what you think someone else would want you to do. callie

SirDraco7 -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/28/2007 2:45:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: callistaIn I would have to ask...what is actually wrong with this? I have taken friends with me when I have gone to meet a dominant for the first time. In fact, the first time I did this, I was told by the Mistress that I had gone to meet that no submissive or slave should ever meet a Dominant alone the first time ( not something that I really agree with, but that's besides the point ). callie There in nothing wrong with this per say, but that all depends on what happens. I've met a woman before who brought her friend and her friend brought her 6 mo baby. It was so long ago I don't remember really but I don't think any conversation occoured even though I tried my best. It was mostly the two of them playing with the baby the entire time. Not that I really blame them the baby was cute! lol And another time I've met a woman at a club with 3-4 of her friends, on top of which most everyone in the club knew her it seemed. That one was a little better, but seeing that I knew nobody I was kind of treading water most of the night. I didn't spend much time talking to her or getting to know her, it was more like I was at a club where she was at too type of situation.(and she went there to meet and hang out with me) Perhaps they were brush off's? I took them as such and never went forward, but I also saw both as being very rude. I almost don't blame some women sometimes due to what is out there, but my thing is, if you are going to meet and hang out with someone, meet THEM. If you bring your friends include the other as well, don't ignore him and just focus on your friends about topics and conversations he or she is lost about. My apologies for the soapbox rant there, plus the slight tangent. I did so to show why it could be bad to bring friends. But then again that just is a measure of what kind of person they are as well in my eyes. I don't see it being a bad thing to bring friends, but I can also see why it can. Just my thoughts...

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/28/2007 2:55:48 PM)
The thing that is catching me from the OP is "she has said she wants me as a sub (not in so many words)" What words did she use? And were they used before or after you met? To me, it sounds as if she is hoping you will be the one to want to leave becasue she doesnt want to be the "bad guy". If you were in near constant contact before meeting face to face and now you are not, one of two things has happened. A) she was not impressed but lacks the ability to tell you so or (b) she is taking for granted that you will not be going anywhere and she is making less of an effort to keep you happy. In eitehr case, it is perfectly acceptable for you to bring up the fact that before you met you were in far more contact and you want to know why that has changed. Dont be confrontational, and dont make it sounds like she owes you more time... but ask if it was something you had done, or if things are alright with her and maybe she has something distracting her right now. It is possible that there is a good reason she has been out of communication for a while... and its possible there isnt one. Even if it has to be one way communication, ask your questions. If she decides not to answer you, or her naswers resemble "because I can" then you are better off out of the possible arrangement. Keep in mind, you have to be happy as well. Right now, you obviously arent. Keep that in mind, whe you get her answers. DV

Trunks1056 -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/29/2007 12:03:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire The thing that is catching me from the OP is "she has said she wants me as a sub (not in so many words)" What words did she use? And were they used before or after you met? The specific words she used are as follows. AFTER we met and hung out in person, she sent me a message on Collar Me that said, "You know when you're my submissive you can't be anyone elses... right?". I took this to mean that she wanted me as a sub, and promptly sent a reply stating that I wasn't going to be anyone else's submissive as long as I was hers, and I never had intentions of doing so. I asked her if she wanted me to make changes to my profile on CM to specifically say that I was unavailable, and a second question out of curiosity, how many subs she kept at a time. It took almost 5 days for her to reply, and her reply consisted of a 5 word answer to only one of the questions. (the one about how many subs she kept at a time.) Did I somehow mis-interpret her message in some way that I don't see? As an update, I haven't had any communication with her (though I have sent a few messages) since the 24th. (today's the 28th for those that don't want to check). She logged on also on the 26th and read the last e-mail I sent her, telling her that the riding crops I had gotten her had arrived. So IDK, but it certainly seems like she isn't interested anymore. :( Side note: our communication on the 24th was very short, and she only said about 10 words or so via text message replies to my original text messages to her that day.

SmokingGun82 -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/29/2007 12:12:22 AM)
You seem like a nice guy, from what you've posted and your profile, so don't take this too harshly... You've been dropped. It was shitty, and, unless there's more to the story, undeservedly so. But it happens. Take a little time, reflect on what you've known, and get back on the horse. I'll steal/paraphrase from quite a few sig lines and offer one piece of advice: Don't make someone a priority when you're only an option. You're a sub, but you still deserve better than what you got from this experience. Best of luck.

umisprite -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/29/2007 7:06:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Trunks1056 the riding crops I had gotten her had arrived. Hmmmm, did someone say riding crops? Hold on to those bad boys, I'm sure they won't go to waste. :-)

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/31/2007 12:02:17 PM)
Well, -when- you become her submissive, then you might have an issue. Right now you're both free people by the sounds of it, if she's not showing much interest, go play the field, you shouldn't have to chase her, and she shouldn't have to chase you. It should be a mutual interest and time spent towards eachother. If she's too busy, and or just gone stale on the idea, then go find someone who's gonna be more interested in you, and pay the focus and attention you find you need to be happy and secure. If she gets fussed you're still 'looking' tell her plain and simple, you're unclaimed, which means you have yet to find someone who's willing to pin you down inside a relationship that meets your needs. If she wants to make you claimed, then she needs to put in a serious bid, or otherwise just cope with the fact she's not commited to you.

MistressShuggie -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/31/2007 2:13:14 PM)
Shift the power base. Cut her off cold. See what happens. You're currently in a losing position, so why keep doing the same things?

Squeakers -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/31/2007 5:06:00 PM)
It is my style to digest a face to face meeting. This could be the case, and I do not feel two weeks is too long of a time especially since she is still making some sort of contact. You stated you had an upcoming visit, a month after the first one. Sounds like a reasonable amount of time to me. In the beginning I think most people talk almost every day, for me, if I am comfortable and secure in my relationship, I do not feel a need to speak every day, and I can be comfortable with a quick phone call once a week and a longer catch up on things going on in our lives every two to three weeks. You stated this, quote: The specific words she used are as follows. AFTER we met and hung out in person, she sent me a message on Collar Me that said, "You know when you're my submissive you can't be anyone elses... right?". . It would be so much easier to decipher had she said, if instead of when. In the context she gave, I could take it as if or when. It really is okay to ask for clarity, imo. For example, "Does this mean, you have made a decision?" "Does this mean that we may have a future?" "Are you speaking in a general sense meaning if a submissive submits to you they will only submit to you?" You might have been jumping the gun a bit asking if you were to make changes on your profile. Maybe that is why the question was ignorned. Take your time, get to know her well, do not be afraid to ask for an explaination if you are not 100% clear on what is stated, it sounds like your first time out there, do not be afraid to get your feet wet and do not be afraid to get hurt, it happens to everyone and time heals it. With every experience there comes the benefit of learning. You have an entire lifetime to grow as a submissive, experience it, learn from it and grow. I sincerely wish you well on your journey.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Communication issues, how should I work through them? (8/31/2007 6:10:23 PM)
Just be upfront and polite about how you feel. Is he isn't putting any effort into communication and getting to know each other I would say that speaks volumes itself. Lay it all out and go from there.

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