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Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 9:38:47 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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Let's say gut instinct is telling me my dom is not quite as honest as he claims to be and I am having some problems believing some have his excuses. I can not prove he is decieving me, but just the same is leaving me with some serious trust issues, and yes I have discussed with him already before but some things are occuring that is leaving me back to mistrusting him. again nothing definite enough to prove he is decieving me, more of a hunch than anything else. And it is really starting to bother me especially since next weekend he would like to go out and buy my collar, and right now I feel I cannot accept as long as I feel this way, though I have already agreed to being collared prior to my current soubts surfacing.
Problem is I know he has a lot of other obligations especially at the current time and that possibly I am getting cold feet about the collaring and that I may be reading more into things than I should, and I should hang in there (questioning also whether to accept the collar or not) or that my gut feelings are correct and I should be ending things even though I have no proof.
Could use some advice as this is really eating at me. I have only entered this lifestyle a couple months ago, so a lot is new to me.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 9:58:10 AM

Celeste43

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From: NYS
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Whether or not he really is lying to you isn't the issue. The issue is that you can't trust him. Without trust, there isn't any relationship.

It may be that you need a greater level of openness and communication in your relationships than you are getting in this one.

It may also be the case that you are afraid of intimacy and manufacturing excuses, seeing problems where none exist.

But whatever the true facts are, the reality of it is that you don't trust him and don't want to continue with him. So after this ends, you need to take some time to yourself to figure out how much of this is self-protection and how much is not knowing what you needed, because if you don't know what you need then you can't negotiate for those needs to be filled, and how much is your inability to screen people better before you deepen a relationship to the intimacy level.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 10:05:29 AM

shyinini

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Joined: 5/4/2007
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Prior to Sir, I did have a dom who mirrored the man you describe.

I had been chatting with a "friend" in the same city he was in.
She was brought in to the play picture when I visited.
I very much liked her as a friend, but didnt find her especially interesting enough to go the sexual route with her.

I drove home after a weekend with the dom (and her) and she called me.
Asked if I remember her telling me she had had only one anal experience.
The shit hit the fan, as I was the only one who wasnt enlightened that he had basicly raped her ass, told her we would be a family, saw her routinely ...blah, blah.

He didnt deny it. He just covered his ass by deceiving me into his perspective and I swallowed hook line and sinker.
I didnt listen to my gut or fully look at the whole scenerio long enough to realize and ask ....could this be a pattern?

It was. I was so possessed by him that I always believed his side of the story.

Giving you help, advice, etc -- I can only tell you my errors in hopes someone else learns...cause I did.

Sir's girl

< Message edited by shyinini -- 8/26/2007 10:38:15 AM >

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 10:05:53 AM

happypervert

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Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
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quote:

I have only entered this lifestyle a couple months ago, so a lot is new to me.

I think being new is irrelevant -- uncertainty, cold feet, suspicions, and insecurity can rise up in any relationship and there's no reason for this one to be any differnt. It seems that such feelings are usually justified, but I think that may be because people are far more likely to loudly proclaim "Aha! I finally caught the lying bastard!" than they are to admit "I'm so ashamed of letting my paranoia ruin a great relationship!"

It does seem like you've got a healthy balance here of not knowing whether to blame him or yourself for these feelings, and you're right to want to postpone a collaring until this is sorted out. I'm also reluctant to read too much into his apparent disregard for your uncertainty by wanting to plunge ahead -- he could be thinking it could make you feel more secure and these feelings will pass . . . or if your suspicions are correct it could be a tactic hoping to make you more docile and compliant.

There's no rush here. Take your time and see what answers develop.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 10:32:38 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

I have only entered this lifestyle a couple months ago, so a lot is new to me.

Bingo, after a couple of months you have the wisdom to choose a partner? They guy is an idiot to collar you so quickly and you are silly for considering it. Step back, take some time, watch some others. Unless of course this is all online and you don't live in the same town in which case do whatever you want it won't last three months anyway.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 11:10:50 AM

slaveish

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Trust your instincts.

And as LA says, do not commit to anyone for at least six months.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 5:31:04 PM

Cyntilating

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Maya

having learned my lesson several times ( in my 40plus years ) because I ignored my gut>> I try my best now to always listen to it...

go with your gut feelings...
listen to your instincts..

ask all your questions...
it is a new relationship...he should be doing everything he can to address all your concerns and questions>and be welcoming them in fact> in order to establish a solid trust.....

If I were a Master> I wouldn't want anyone to accept my collar unless she/he was completely certain and without hesitation.

perhaps what you need is more time ?
imo
If it is meant to happen > a little more time will not hurt anything.....if it isn't meant to happen and theres something going on that shouldnt be> time will expose what you need to know..

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 6:12:32 PM

Maya2001

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Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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Thankyou all, I guess I am right in assuming I should not accept the collar as long as I feel unsure, of course I will be discussing my feelings with him again and take it from there

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 7:48:20 PM

SirDraco7

Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001
Let's say gut instinct is telling me my dom is not quite as honest as he claims to be and I am having some problems believing some have his excuses. I can not prove he is decieving me, but just the same is leaving me with some serious trust issues, and yes I have discussed with him already before but some things are occuring that is leaving me back to mistrusting him. again nothing definite enough to prove he is decieving me, more of a hunch than anything else.

Like others have said before, trust yourself and your feelings.

Please trust me when I say this, but if you question his words and what he says ask him to prove what he says is true.
Is it rude? Perhaps. Showing and saying that you don't believe him? yes. But that is the point. You Don't believe him. If you did you wouldn't question it.

I say this because my last relationship, the girl I was with had issues and things which I questioned about her and about what she said. I could not prove what she said was true and I couldn't prove that she was lying either. I trusted her, and pushed down my doubts as many of the doubts were simple and minor things. "it didn't matter really" I told myself.
In the end I saw I had messed up. And that she was lying to me(I still can't prove anything, but her attitude and personality at the end convinced me they were lies) And what did that cost me? a couple years and $10,000 and a borken heart. Not bad considering what it could've been.

So trust me, I know from experience, and if I can help save one person from the crap I endured all the better.
From my experience... do not get too involved in ANY way untill you trust him 100%.
To the point where you have no nagging doubts about what he says.
If they continue, if he can't or won't prove that his words are true, I'd sugguest use it as a hint that you and he are not meant to be. Trust your gut. If your gut doesn't change at all ask yourself if you are ready to take a chance with getting hurt bad like I was? Or worse.
Take it slow and work it to the point where you don't doubt what he says anymore. if such a point occours.
Good Luck....

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/26/2007 10:58:43 PM

MasterFireMaam

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The core issue here is your trust of him. Whether that comes from something on his end or not, it's the issue. Your distrust most likely is coming from the fact that he doesn't meet your emotional needs, so you don't think that he's truly connected to you. So, even if he's NOT cheating or whatever, he's NOT maintaining a healthy relationship for you. I suggest you look at what is making you unhappy, then trying to talk to him about it. If he works with you, you have a chance at a relationship. If he doesn't, you can get out now instea of later.

Master Fire

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/27/2007 6:36:38 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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From: North Carolina
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If you are unsure of your feelings about him and the collar then best to tell him now. I also agree with the others about not accepting the collar with the current concerns you have. Sit down address your concerns and if your still feel the same way then you have some tough decisions to make.

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RE: Trouble in paradise - 8/27/2007 6:59:24 AM

MHOO314

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Let your conscience be your guide---I'd say because you are so new, its way too soon for collaring anyway--IMHEO

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