Help! Dilemma

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JerseyKrissi72 -> Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:30:03 AM)
I know many people are going to criticize me for this but I need some help in determining what to do. Recently, I met a man from another site and he was upfront and honest with me that he was in an open marriage but I agreed to meet him anyhow. We instantly connected- I cannot express what it was like to sit on the beach with him and talk for hours like we were long lost friends reconnecting rather than meeting for the first time. He didn't press the issue of sex like most men I have met- instead, he was much more interested in getting to know me from the inside out...Last night was magical- he sat there staring in my eyes as we sat on the beach talking- he held me so tightly and I felt a connection with him that I haven't felt since Ron...I want so desperately to get closer to him and after last night he wants to see me again on Thursday...but I am scared that what if I get too close? is there any hope for me if this becomes deeper than just a friendship/ benefits? I mean, he is married- honest about it- I'm so confused. I know many will say I am stupid for getting involved with a married person, perhaps, I didn't want to feel this way...[&:] A dear friend of mine told me that perhaps he is unhappy in his living situation and there may be potential for me...where should I go from here? Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read and all the good advice you have given me along the way.

Tarisa -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:36:42 AM)
Heya Krissi Not going to say you are stupid cause you aren't. But he is married and most married men/wome usually want to stay that way. He is in an open marriage which was upfront about. And unless he tells you he is unhappy in his present situation just becareful with your feelings sees alot of people get hurt like this

FullCircle -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:37:08 AM)
He is in an open relationship so maybe you have to get to know his wife as well as you know him. He isn’t going to leave her so at some point logic dictates that all three of you will have to get on. Until you know both sides of that relationship you can’t determine what is going to happen next. Enjoy the things it gives you in the short term but also be pressing him for an idea of where the future of the relationship is going to lead.

LadySeraphina -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:37:27 AM)
krissi, You know that the odds of a married man leaving his wife are slim. At this point, you don't even know for certain that he is in an open marriage, and not just a married man telling you he has permission. That said, if you really feel for him, and we assume he has been honest, then he's got no reason to leave his wife. No reason not to love you either. Years ago I dated a married man in an open relationship. It was fun for a bit, and he was fully prepared to commit to me as his only other partner, but that just didn't cut it for me (or maybe it was his tiny penis? [;)]) Going with what you've said, and assuming he isn't lying, you just have to decide if you can be involved with a man who is also involved elsewhere, and that 'elsewhere' is his primary relationship, no matter how much he cares. If he's poly-minded, you may be able to be equal with the wife, but that's likely as close as it gets. hugs Best of luck.

knowingmaster -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:40:55 AM)
Life is short and we meet people we can really connect with all too infrequently. He was honest with you about his situation. If he has kids and property with his wife, he could be stuck there for awhile. I say go for it but enjoy it for the friendship, scene play and sex and don't put much focus on a long future. Guys that are this up front about being married have cheated before and learned it's easier to establish the boundaries up front. Tell him no sex unless he gets tested first. Your health comes first. Judging from your photo you are a good looking woman. If you want long term devotion, you still have the cards to get it from the right man if you don't waste too many years chasing Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right for you. My two cents. Good Luck!

missturbation -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:42:30 AM)
I think you need to talk to him about this hun. Explain the way you feel and find out what the options are for a future together if any. If he can give you no more than you being his mistress then you need to decide if that is enough for you. It is of course possible that he is unhappy in his present relationship and feels he wants to leave at some point, in which case yeah hang in there. Either way though you really need to talk this through with him, get the answers and then decide where you go from there.

kittensmailbox -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:42:51 AM)
my former Master had a wife... We were together for 7 years.... i was alone EVERY holiday and every freaking weekend.... i went to bed alone EVERY night... it wasn't worth it... Sure at first it was, i thought i could handle it... i finally learned that i am worth far more then coming in second...

JerseyKrissi72 -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:49:15 AM)
Kittens, that is what I was thinking of last night when I came home...what about Xmas? He has 2 children and I have four- we will never be a family- so many thoughts racing through my mind and "what ifs"...I know that I deserve the love of one man- just wonder why I shouldn't settle for anything that comes my way- I will be 35 next month and alone still...to many that doesn't seem old but I feel so alone sometimes..

GhitaAmati -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:57:25 AM)
Krissi....I would say unless you end up being close with his wife also, and form into some version or another of a poly family, your always gonna feel like the third wheel...I know, I did it for quite a while myself. I guess it depends on what you are truly looking for, dont kid yourself into thinking you will be happy with a once a week fling with someone you enjoy if you really wont. But if that really is what you want, and sometimes in our lives that really IS what we want.....then go for it, but I would try to at least meet the guys wife fairly soon on, if they really are in an open marriage, its best to get everyone on the same page as early on as possible

LadySeraphina -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 8:58:37 AM)
Okay, that changes things. The minute you're feeling this would be settling, then it's settling. Don't! Don't just take him because you have chemistry, and he's Here Now. From what I've seen of you on here, you're an amazing person. Do Not let yourself be second best, and feel like it's as good as you can get. hugs

Twicehappy2x -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 9:06:49 AM)
So far everyone has given you sound advice. I only have a few things to add here. First BE SURE he is in an open marriage, this means before you go any further you will want to speak to his wife, in person or on the phone. Emails can easily be faked. If he is not willing to allow this to happen chances are high he is cheating. Second, seriously consider the emotional cost to yourself. Holidays, work functions etc are probably going to involve his wife not you. Third get a serious idea of the amount of time he can spend with you. Can he spend the night occasionally, weekly, or only a few stolen hours here and there? Then ask yourself if you can deal with that. Fourth, what are your long term life goals? Do you want to get married , have children? If you answered yes to either of those a married man is just not a very good partner for you no matter the attraction. I live in a poly house, i know Scooter loves me very much, i know Jewel loves me. Due to distance the chances of the pair of them ever attending any family function is rare. If i want to spend Christmas with my family it will always be alone. Can you accept that in your relationship? I am his only slave, Jewel is his only wife. We do a lot of things together. But if he wants to go do something with only one of us it is Jewel he always asks. Yes i've brought it up but i do not think he thinks about it, she is his wife so he asks her always. I've had to go from hoping that would change to accepting it won't, can you accept that and still be content? I can sleep with them on weekends but i have not in forever due to the RA making it impossible to even sleep with myself, but before that i still slept alone all those other nights(well except for bear). Can you accept that without being miserable? I guess what i am saying is first protect yourself, second take some time to do some soul searching and then if you still want this then big hugs and good luck.

JerseyKrissi72 -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 9:08:56 AM)
Thankyou for all the advice ..and NO I don't want any more kids lol..nor can I have any...had to chuckle at that one, sorry...I am sure he can get away for a few nights here and there ...

Twicehappy2x -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 9:14:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JerseyKrissi72 Thankyou for all the advice ..and NO I don't want any more kids lol..nor can I have any...had to chuckle at that one, sorry...I am sure he can get away for a few nights here and there .. Lol, the one saying you had 4 ums popped up while i was typing, sorry about that one. I would want a definitive statement about the time he can give you before i agreed to anything i think.

Aileen68 -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 9:15:11 AM)
You strike me as the type of person that enjoys the physical closeness of a 24/7 relationship. So no, I don't think this relationship will satisfy you.

LaTigresse -> RE: Help! Dilemma (8/27/2007 9:19:39 AM)
Krissi, personally I think you deserve more than the crumbs from someone else's table but that is not my call. However, before going ANY further, spending ANY more time with this guy at all.......if it were me......I would make absolutely certain to talk to his wife. I would tell him that I refuse to be part of a lie. And if it really is an open marriage he would certainly have not problem with it. Now, me, being the cynical bitch that I am.......would expect some sort of resistance. Even if just a lie that, the wife is busy, the wife is okay with it but does not want to meet the other women, something....... And then I would also consider if I am okay with being one of several. Because chances are if it is indeed an open marriage neither you nor his wife will be where it stops. Also, if that is the case then she, potentially, is also playing around with others. Sounds like a recipe for lots of nasty lil bugs but that is part of the risk of that sort of thing. Just be careful Krissi, both with your physical health but moreso, your mental and emotional health. The path you are facing is not an easy one.

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