What if your Dom.... (Full Version)

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newsubinTN -> What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 12:35:09 PM)

....only uses punishment and no rewards?

When we got into this lifestyle, we discussed what each of our roles would be. At first, everything went well. Now, my Dom only uses punishment when i have misbehaved but doesn't give rewards (like He used to) and the sex, well, it's become very 'nilla. Plus, the only punishment He uses is spankings (with his hands, a paddle, a hairbrush, a belt, whatever is nearby) anymore. i do not feel like i am in a D/s relationship anymore, but in an abusive one instead. What should i do?



SirDraco7 -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 12:42:15 PM)

I would suggest to sit down with him and talk about it.  Tell him your thoughts and feelings and find out his.
Hopefully it slowly eroded away and he just let it erode due to circumstances and real life situations and never took the time to build it back.  As such he's still going with the flow and the flow still goes down.

Perhaps and hopefully a simple conversation is all that is needed to make him realize where you are compared to where you once were and make more efforts to correct such problems.  
I hope things get better.  :)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 12:47:53 PM)

Ditto.

Sit down and say "I feel very frustrated and confused because our relationship is so different from what we originally agreed on.  How do you feel?"

And then go from there.  Ideally, you both discuss what you enjoy and what you don't, what you'd like to see change and like to keep going.  It also helps if you sprinkle a few "I really DO like it when you do X" to keep some positivity going.  And in the end, you each decide on a few ACTIONS you will both commit towards doing starting immediately and see where that goes.

You can always change it again later if it doesn't work.  The whole point is to work on this as a team together.



Dom87110 -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 12:47:58 PM)

Here you say that you feel like you're no longer in a D/s relationship, but like you are in a vanilla relationship. On your profile you say that you are in a vanilla marriage that you are trying to spice up with some D/s experiences.

Could it be that you and your husband/Dom are not quite clear about where and what you really are? Mayeb sitting down and getting some closure through conversation might help.



AquaticSub -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 1:29:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubinTN

....only uses punishment and no rewards?



Than he's not my dominant.

Seriously. The foundation of our relationship is love and I can't fathom myself seeking or being happy with otherwise. If Valyraen stopped giving head scratches, stopped giving tummy rubs, letting me "steal" a cookie, stopped making me feel loved and desired... I just couldn't be his anymore.

As for what to do? First, decide if you want to try to save the relationship. If you feel safe doing so, talk to him. If you don't feel physically safe talking with him about this, enlist the help of a trusted lifestyler with no interest in any outcome, be it you two going different ways or staying together, as a mediator. He may not realize what is going on or that you have an issue with the way he is doing things. If you start to feel the relationship is truly becoming abusive, there are always ways out.

As always... my .02



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 1:34:00 PM)

My guess is that he hasn't stopped being nice to her or enjoying her- but I think she processes that as "vanilla."  It sounds like a normal case of dom burnout.



aeleberaNB -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 1:35:46 PM)

Greetings newsub:

you have been given some really good advice. sit down with Him, tell Him "I feel ......... when ........ but these are my feelings and i hope that we can work this out."

by using i feel statements you are not laying blame on Him and are accepting responsibility for your feelings, actions and behavior.

i know how it is to feel lost for words or how to state what we as subs/slaves feel at times and have finally started using the "I feel" statements so that He knows i am accepting responsibility for my behavior, actions and words.

hope this helps and that things work out for you and He.

wishing you well,
aelebera{NB}



daddysliloneds -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/27/2007 2:10:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubinTN

....only uses punishment and no rewards?

When we got into this lifestyle, we discussed what each of our roles would be. At first, everything went well. Now, my Dom only uses punishment when i have misbehaved but doesn't give rewards (like He used to) and the sex, well, it's become very 'nilla. Plus, the only punishment He uses is spankings (with his hands, a paddle, a hairbrush, a belt, whatever is nearby) anymore. i do not feel like i am in a D/s relationship anymore, but in an abusive one instead. What should i do?


so, you're not getting the 'good girl' positive strokes or being rewarded, you're not happy with your vanilla sex-life, and you consider spankings(your words as to the only punishment he gives you) to be abusive and you want us to tell you what to do? 

since you asked, i'd say you need to quit whining about how bad you got it because everything isn't going your way; when you yield to another(submit), that sometimes happens ya know!



 



Celeste43 -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/28/2007 5:21:12 AM)

I wouldn't submit to him (punishments or anything else) if my need for affection and affirmation wasn't being fulfilled. But that's one of the first things I told him I needed, the lack of it would be a deal breaker for me.

Personally, if I never get any approval then I give up trying because I know I'm not perfect and I will mess up eventually. So why put all the effort into holding off the inevitable, eventually you will still get punished. But that's me and he knows this about me.

You need to sit down and talk to him about how unhappy you are and how much you dislike the present relationship. Presumably he's unhappy also and you can find changes to make that will help both of you get your needs met. If not, well you can stay and be unhappy or move on. But try talking to him first, he isn't a mind reader.



BossyShoeBitch -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/28/2007 5:35:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubinTN

....only uses punishment and no rewards?

When we got into this lifestyle, we discussed what each of our roles would be. At first, everything went well. Now, my Dom only uses punishment when i have misbehaved but doesn't give rewards (like He used to) and the sex, well, it's become very 'nilla. Plus, the only punishment He uses is spankings (with his hands, a paddle, a hairbrush, a belt, whatever is nearby) anymore. i do not feel like i am in a D/s relationship anymore, but in an abusive one instead. What should i do?

First of all, if that picture is you, I would simply walk to my nearest Doms-R-Us and take my pick! 
Ok.. Barring that,  I like this quote from a recent thread on the definition of submissives:
quote:


original: SimplyMichael  
Anyone who has to negotiate the level of submission and thinks they can order a level 12 submissive off the menu must not have any real experience.  So funny that with all the talk of mentoring and training there are morons out there who STILL then go from that to assuming that people just announce how submissive they will be.  Where is the dominance?  Where is the control?  Where the hell is the fucking skill as a dominant?

I mean any dipshit can shout orders, hell a tape recorder can do it.  Being dominant isn't about shouting orders, it isn't even about control in some sense.  Being dominant is about being someone who inspires confidence and security, not with talk but by day in and day out showing that they know what they hell they are doing.

I listen to women talk about being bottoms and or slaves and that banter just flows in one ear and out the other.  I know that the "bottom" under my care might become someone who others would see an amazingly devoted and obedient slave and the "slave" might be someone who I would reject as too much work and without much to offer.

One creates a submissive/slave out of someone by slowly blowing on the embers and nurturing that flame until it bursts into an inferno.  You can't order up a real submissive, they blossom under the care and nurturing of someone who cares for them, who shows up for them, who remembers the little things and who provides a safe place for that submission to grow. 

If you are interested, the rest of that thread is here:

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1237141




kossack -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/28/2007 6:06:08 AM)

Honestly, I'd leave if there aren't any ums and there hasn't been a crisis in his life.  If this is his default MO, I think it will be hard as he may always feel you are demanding when you have needs. 



littleone35 -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/28/2007 7:07:04 AM)

I think like others said you should talk to him.  It is hard to keep going when you just get punished for the bad things you do nerver a "pat on the head" for the good things.  If after you have your talk and things don't change and you are still unhappy you may have to think about leaving and find a Dom that suits you better.

Matt's littleone



KiandPhoenix -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/28/2007 1:18:54 PM)

quote:

i do not feel like i am in a D/s relationship anymore, but in an abusive one instead.


This alone says to me that things are far more wrong than you have said. Once it feels like abuse you should stop immediately and talk. You may be past that point now, and it already be time to get out as fast as you can. You can try and talk it out, but by the time you feel like it is abuse, it is usually to late in my experience.
~Ki



venusdiva429 -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/29/2007 12:31:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KiandPhoenix

quote:

i do not feel like i am in a D/s relationship anymore, but in an abusive one instead.


This alone says to me that things are far more wrong than you have said. Once it feels like abuse you should stop immediately and talk. You may be past that point now, and it already be time to get out as fast as you can. You can try and talk it out, but by the time you feel like it is abuse, it is usually to late in my experience.
~Ki


I agree. If you're that uncomfortable, then there are some pretty fundamental problems. Communication is great, but remember - you have to be satisfied, whole, and happy in the end. If you're not, maybe you need to take a break. If you're at the point of feeling abused, then declare a break period, during which you can talk things out. In other words, I'm advocating space before speak.



came4U -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/29/2007 9:08:30 AM)

What you used to negotiate is now gone.

Now you are being treated as a slave and only a slave.  Consider if you enjoy being one without your needs being met.

Ask him if his are being met by behaving this way or if he just dislikes you and is on his way out.  Find out if he is testing you without your knowledge or testing to see if you are in it for him or for the kink. How long did you expect mutual pleasure to lead the relationship? Seems if he is not downright miserable he is still gaining some satisfaction out of not rewarding you.  I would question why your pleasure (since lacking) is priority instead of attempting to please him more.  




ClandestinedOne -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/30/2007 1:07:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

so, you're not getting the 'good girl' positive strokes or being rewarded, you're not happy with your vanilla sex-life, and you consider spankings(your words as to the only punishment he gives you) to be abusive and you want us to tell you what to do? 
since you asked, i'd say you need to quit whining about how bad you got it because everything isn't going your way; when you yield to another(submit), that sometimes happens ya know!

Wow...please open your heart to a fellow submissive, not accuse her of whining when she sincerely reaches out and asks for advice (which is not the same as asking us to tell her what to do)
If you will read her entire post you will find that T/they BOTH agreed on certain things and she truly thinks that He is not following that original plan. 



littlebitxxx -> RE: What if your Dom.... (8/30/2007 3:28:34 AM)

Okay, mixed messages being received here.  You are in a nilla marriage, dabbling in D/s to spice it up but you are not "allowed" to cyber/chat/talk/speak/do this/do that...?  The sex is nilla, you're being punished but not rewarded, you're starting to feel abused rather than submissive.  But you are married nilla and only "spicing" with D/s...and, by your own admission, still learning how to do all of it?

Communicate, read, research, talk, learn, communicate, talk, communicate, learn, communicate....get the common thread?  Talk to your husband about what is going on and re-table a few negotiations.

My opinion only....but best wishes to you.
sage



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