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masters wishes - 7/10/2005 7:51:31 AM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Hello A/all
I have a question....how would a slave go about asking her Master to take more control?
I have been sub/slave for going on 20 years now. I have been taught to be a certain way with all previous Masters. Not to speak unless spoken too, not to look Master in the eye, caring for the house and most Masters gave me lists of things to get done as well as working outside the home. Master has total control and takes care of everything.
Problem....my current Master is not like this...he wants allot more communication, involvement then I am used to having to do. I love him and enjoy every other part of our relationship but this part...I am really struggling with it. I have spoken to him about it but he gives me these answers like its ok and you'll get used to it. I need someone else in control. He is asking me or I am just having to do things I am not used to doing like Banking and making his business calls and such. I really need him to do these things. He seems so whishy washy about getting things done. I have to tell him to make a decision and stick with it or ask him NOT to give me his reasons why he made the decision. His word should be final.
It is disrespectful to ask him to ask him to take more control of things and me. I am very uncomfortable being allowed to do "whatever" its like having too much free time. **cringe**
Thank Y/you for your time
pamela


_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"
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RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 8:36:39 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No, what you want to ask is "how do I get him to do what I want him to do so I can keep doing what I enjoy doing instead of *being controlled by being taught and trained to do things HIS way?*"

It's hard to adapt to a new style of training, specially going from a micromanager to a delegator style of ownership. But you've just moved in with them, why is this a surprise to you? Did he come across as completely different and then all expectations changed once you decided to move on?

Let's face it- he IS in control, he's doing things exactly how HE wants them to be done, and you're learning how to handle it.

You just don't like it because it's not how you WANT to be controlled...which in a way is far more controlling than him doing what everyone else has done with you before, isn't it?

You chose to be his slave, you chose to move in with him. Why are you suddenly NOW not liking how he controls you? Has he changed? Has his expectations of you changed? Or is it your illusions of what he was that are fading? Were you holding onto some idea that "things would be different" once you moved in? Did you ignore the incompatibility problems because of the love and hope that you could work it out and he'd become more of what you wanted?

(in reply to teapaw)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 8:46:36 AM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		Perhaps changing your way of thinking will help in this situation a little... Instead of thinking that he is "whishy washy" about getting things done -- perhaps thinking he trust you enough to know what needs to be done and trust you to do it. Perhaps he is giving you more freedom because he knows you can handle. Perhaps in given you more control he is controlling you.

I don't see doing His Bank and making business calls for Him as a way of you being in control, l see it as being of service to Him. He is putting you to use in ways he see fit.

I see how this could be a struggle for you if your not used to it, but not all Master/Doms are alike and each require different things. Talk to Him, ask questions. As long as you use respect i don't see if as being disrespectful.

I see being a Master/ Dom as very stressful and a big responsibility. So, sometimes being able to look a situation, see what needs to be done and then doing it, keeping their best interest in mind, to be one of the biggest services we can do for our Masters/Doms.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to teapaw)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 9:23:06 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Like the people before me said--it isn't that he doesnt' have control. He's just choosing to delegate to you.

The way I look at this is that my job is to make my partner's life better, easier, and more fun. If I can do that by doing the bills, or the dishes, or the laundry, or hunting down people who are mean to them and hurting htem, well, I'm serving him.

You are doing what he likes, no? You are doing what he's told you to do? Then he's controlling you. He's dirrecting you in how to serve him in a way that will make him happiest.

It's weird to adapt to. It -was- difficult for me to think like this with the partner at first. I felt like I was telling -him- what to do. however, it's not like that unless you go beyond the jobs he has set for you and start telling -him- what to do.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LaMspeach)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 9:28:27 AM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		It is different and difficult (I dont know how to bank or do most of the things he is asking me, which he doesnt know how to do so he cant tell me how), though learn it I will. I was just looking for advice or if anyone else has had to to it to make the process run a little smoother.
pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to teapaw)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 10:41:07 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

It is different and difficult (I dont know how to bank or do most of the things he is asking me, which he doesnt know how to do so he cant tell me how), though learn it I will. I was just looking for advice or if anyone else has had to to it to make the process run a little smoother.
pamela

Hmm I'm not sure why he expects things of you if he can't teach you how or put you in touch with a trainer who CAN teach you how. How did he do it before you were around?

But that's just an issue of training.

Bury yourself in the idea that you are being controlled like you never have before, and to learn to adapt and serve as you felt was right for you to become his slave will be a great boon to your sense of self.

(in reply to teapaw)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: masters wishes - 7/10/2005 6:18:51 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I have a diffferent opinion to others. How long have you been in the relationship? Did he know you wanted to give full control over?

The one thing that annoys me with this lifestyle is that people seem to think that you must stay with the dominant party untill they let you go. Its like any relationship. If your not happy talk about it. Discuss it and if a resolve can't be found then leave.

People will disagree with my statement but to them I ask.

Why in the D's/Bdsm lifestyle must you stay with the one dominant if you are un-happy? Would you stay in a vanilla relationship if your not getting what you want?

(in reply to teapaw)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: masters wishes - 7/11/2005 8:17:02 AM   
ricanmami678


Posts: 13
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		i agree with imtempting you need to discuss it with your Master just go to him asking if you could speak freely or something in that nature because even if you are in a dom/sub or master/slave relationship with out communiaction it will all fall apart you are controlled but if you are not happy you need to voice that in a way i am not saying tell your Master he is not doing his job just explain to him you would like him to take a little more control if he doesnt want to you need to really evaulate if you want to be in this relationship if you do then you need to release your self from all past expericences and make your self like a fresh student not one that has been trainned because every Master trains diffrent but in the end my Sir always tells me i also need to be happy it isnt all about him having controll its about how you feel. maybe think about compremising on things even in a controlling relationship there is comprimise but like i said its all up to whether you really want to work it out or have it your way and if you decide to just have it your way your really not wanting to be controoled because controll is up to the Master not the slavve/sub

< Message edited by ricanmami678 -- 7/11/2005 8:23:46 AM >

(in reply to imtempting)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/11/2005 8:31:46 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imtempting

Why in the D's/Bdsm lifestyle must you stay with the one dominant if you are un-happy? Would you stay in a vanilla relationship if your not getting what you want?

If a sub or slave feels they can no longer serve appropriately, or that the relationship is no longer fulfilling them, then they absolutely should request to be released.

HOWEVER, one of the quirks of D/s relationships is allowing someone else to have authority over your actions, to judge behavior as good or bad. This means it's not up to the sub any more unless the dominant intentionally delegates it to the sub/slave.

It's bad form to get into a committed relationship as a sub, supposedly understanding the authority transfer in place, and then get all fussy and pissed when the dom isn't just making them feel all yummy and happy (this isn't what I think is happening in this thread). Just as it would be bad form for a dominant to express certain expectations for a relationship and then begin to slack or severely change those expectations once the relationship began.

What I think is happening in this thread is a sub beginning to learn what it actually MEANS to give up authority and to deal with that lack of control- to deal with understanding that she is no longer the judge of perfection and needs to accept the dominants judgements as the right ones, not continue to uphold her own thus leading to negative thoughts and insecurities.

If she ultimately decides that his methods and ways won't work for her, that's perfectly fine, that's what relationships are all about, working together.

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: masters wishes - 7/13/2005 12:30:38 AM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Master and I have talked about his needs as well as my own. I understand he doesnt have all the answers and things my not happen as quickly as I would like (lol) Its actually better if it takes longer, it gives U/us all time to learn one anothers needs. W/we stayed up all night taking about His needs then He asked me my own. It was a great way to break the ice so to speak and tell Him what I would like more of (or is it less of, LOL) He is willing to take more control of things in return I will learn to tell Him right away when I need something. He cant even attempt to give it to me if He is not EXACTLY sure what it is I am needing. It is still His choice to give it to me, but at least He knows. For example, I am really good at letting Him know when I am on emotional over load and need the whip. I bring it to Him lay it at His feet kneeling down and wait. He will sometimes make me wait a very long time (my feet will go to sleep, LOL) then tell me to go up stairs and wait some more in position. Sometimes He will touch me on the head and take me upstairs. Its the things that I am used from previous Masters make me uncomfortable asking for from my new master
Though I have to say....I am so very glad my Master is who he is....strange changes and all.....
Pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: masters wishes - 7/13/2005 1:34:08 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
You have the freedom to leave if you are finding it difficult or not to your liking.

That said, I agree with Emerald in the fact that Your Master is controling... I actuay think it's good He is getting you to do banking etc - it helps you to learn and grow and thats a great thing in a relationship. Something I do keep noticing is you keep refering back to your ex masters. I think it would be a good idea if you can learn to let go of the masters of your past. It is obvious they had a great effect on you and you respect them still - but now it is time to move on - it must be, otherwise you wouldn't have found yourself another master. As much as you have learnt from them - it is your Master now that matters - try and see everything as a new learning process and It won't be easy - but it is much more rewarding if you have to work hard. Communicate constantly - explain the fears and problems - as Him why - ask for understanding and if it doesn't feel right - then move on...

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to teapaw)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: masters wishes - 7/13/2005 3:18:53 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		AH! I finally realised why my post to this thread had 'disappeared'... lol... I'd replied to the same thread in the Ask A Master section, where it seems to have floundered. I hope it's OK to repost my response here, since this thread is still current.

----------

Hello teapaw.

I think the way I would look at it is this ~ he is in control (he's the one dictating terms, yes?), but what he isn't doing is being responsible for things that he expects you to deal with.

It's odd, because I've just written a reply on a thread about defining slavery to a post which seemed (to me) to assume that being a slave meant that one didn't have to do all those dull things like sort out finances, and operate in the world.

If your master thinks that there are certain things that you should learn to tackle (or whatever his reason is), then you need to believe that he has your best interests at heart, and do the job, whatever it is, however much you don't like doing it, because it's what he's decided for you. That includes (it seems) organising some free time activities for yourself...?

While I would agree with EmeraldSlave2 to an extent that you should have found out more about him and his methods before you moved in with him, I would also say that it's very difficult to know everything about how one would react to a particular situation without having lived it.

One thing I would say is, that if you find that you prefer a little more in the way of direction or help in particular areas, then perhaps that could be negotiated? For the time being, however, I would take what your master says on board... He's assured you it will be OK, so you should try giving it more time. Certainly I don't think you will find much joy as a slave in trying to GET HIM to do things YOUR way (or the way you believe is correct) . Perhaps it will end up that you don't find this relationship satisfying, in which case, all negotiation having failed, you would have to move on (imho).

~ Elektra

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 12
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