Sub role and abuse... (Full Version)

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BigEyes -> Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 9:06:41 PM)

This is a very personal question.

I've been abused before (details are horrible and not worth repeating) and I worry that it is an issue. Am I drawn to the sub role because of this?

It frightens me but excites me.

Are there ANY other female subs out there battling these feelings? If so please tell me or message me privately. I'm having real problems with this.

Love Big Eyes



sub4hire -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 9:36:06 PM)

quote:

Are there ANY other female subs out there battling these feelings?


All it means is you need to be more careful and choosy about whom you pick. Don't just give yourself to anyone.
I grew up in a family where my mother was very much a slave to my father. They didn't call it the lifestyle...but she was abused mentally.
My brother and sister both followed the same role as my mother did.

I was much younger. Knew I identified with a submissive role. For many year's I tried to fight who I was, only to find out you are born who you are and you cannot change it.
Now, many call me dominant. To me every time I hear that it is a compliment. The only one who never calls me a dominant is my own dominant.
When people call you one it means that nobody is going to walk all over you because you are strong. At least in my mind.
I have 100% trust in my dom but it didn't come easy.
In time you'll find the right person for you just don't be in a rush and take your time.

Someone will cherish you instead of abusing you.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 9:42:25 PM)

I don't know enough about this to say anything definitively--I doubt anyone really does, since the subject hasn't been studied very seriously--but my experience is that at least as many vanillas are abused; if anything, a disproportionately greater number of vanillas are abused. So the point isn't that a lot of abused women become submissive, but that a lot of submissive women have been abused because a lot of women GENERALLY have been abused. If your question is basically whether the abuse has skewed your sexuality, my answer would be probably not. You are who you are.

But it does mean that the way you experience your sexuality could be affected by the abuse. A real d/s relationship will not be abusive, and a real dom will not want to abuse you, but you could, sometimes even instinctively, take something he does in the wrong way. That means you should be open and honest with someone about your past if you think you are going to have a serious relationship with him.

Hope this helps. I'm not a professional.

Lam



mossy -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 10:01:29 PM)

i went into therapy and had to examine this question for myself.
What i discovered was that they are indeed seperate issues, for me, anyway.
Submissiveness excites me, the pain excites me, it is not abuse.
However the abuse of my past history does make me more open perhaps than
other subs, to accepting abusive treatment, from a so called "dom or master".
Therefore i have to be more cautious and aware then others, due to this.
Lordandmaster said wonderful things in His post, especially about a Real Dominant
not being abusive.:) and not being afraid to tell Him the truth about your history.
Thanks.



pandoravampire -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 10:04:31 PM)

Abuse history here, but who gives a damn. As ive said before, the bastards stole my childhood, they sure as hell arent having my adulthood too.

Bdsm is NOT abuse. This is you chosing to indulge all your hot spots with another similar minded soul. Chose your partner well, and you can work around it, or 'WITH' it in certain circumstances. Some types of play, or some sessions will trigger it unexpectedly. For instance, me, loving what he was doing, when for the first time, he tried putting pegs on my labia - B A N G and i was out of my beautiful head subspace in a second, crying etc, it came out of nowhere, and was dreadful - the feelings running around my head. Because he was a decent human being and attentive, he stopped. (this is a example where sometimes your so lost, you dont even remember what a safe word is, let alone, get your shit together enough to utter it).
Because he is the man i love, who'm i know loves me in return, we were able to stop, cuddle, sort ourselves out, it shocked him as much as me. We dealt with the feelings at the time this provoked for us both, and went on to return to our lovely space and played more and wonderfully that night. Intensified perhaps by the loving care, and growth that the incident brought up.

Abuse in your history, is best left to history, its over, you are no longer there, you are HERE and NOW.

chose well as sub4hire suggests, and you cant go wrong. But if play gets difficult at times, communicate that to your Dom/me, if he cares he will cope with it, if he cant cope with this, get the fuck out the door, and dont look back, he's not worth your submiission. You can do better.

be well, and enjoy what you deserve, to be YOU




Youcantmakemeeee -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/10/2005 11:40:38 PM)

I struggled with this for a number of years not only in just the submissive sense but also the masochistic side of me. I wondered for a long time whether the two were related. In fact, I denied I was this way for a while. Then, I just thought of it as a failing on my part to not get over the abuse, that I was somehow looking for situations that would put me back in that situation. I was quite messed up for a long time, although if you asked my friends they wouldn't agree. I covered it well.

Then.....gradually, I started to feel that I didn't really care where it came from. I enjoyed it. It wasn't hurting anyone, including myelf. And therefore, I pretty much put the whole issue out of my mind, except for knowing that I couldn't do/perform certain activities without being put in that place again. Now, I'm completely fine with who I am and I don't really feel it's that important where it came from. I like being me!

C.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/11/2005 5:19:33 AM)

The reality is that plenty of people DO seek out Ds as an escape from real relationships, as a way to work within the dynamics they are used to, abusive ones, with some veneer of it being "ok."

We all know there's abusive relationships in Ds, and this tactic never works in the end.

However, I've never seen reason to suspect that abuse CAUSES a submissive or dominant orientation in someone.



CalliopePurple -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/11/2005 1:43:12 PM)

I was neglected and verbally abused for a large chunk of my life. My first thought was never about the kind of shit I'd be put through, but what my sister (who's barely two years younger than me) would be put through. It took me a LOT of thinking once I discovered D/s to decide that taking care of people is just who I am, not what I had to do.

I still tend to think more about the people I care about before myself, but oh well. Abuse is hard to deal with, no matter who you are or what lifestyle you're involved in. Take your time, find someone that you trust enough to tell about your past, and good luck in everything you do.

CP



BigEyes -> RE: Sub role and abuse... (7/12/2005 8:19:45 AM)

Thank you everyone who has shared their thoughts and advice with me. I've got a long way to go and a lot of thinking to do but then I am a mere whippersnapper at 21! I think trust is just a very big issue for me.

I could pour my heart out here but I wont, so I'll just say I've been very reassured by you all. Thank you for taking the time - on this subject I really hoped for a few replies.

Big Eyes



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