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Advise for New Dom - 8/29/2007 5:54:33 PM

gcarlos

Posts: 98
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Hi,

I am what you guys call a new dom in training. Recently my wife told me that she wants to be a sub and encourage me to be her dom. I do enjoy the adventure but I have a hard time start the scene in bedroom. I usually go to whiping part, but I am not sure if this is right. What else I can do. She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy. any advise?

Post #: 1

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/29/2007 6:19:29 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

http://www.greenerypress.com/ here's a start book wise for learning and finding local groups is another way to help you learn and figure out what you want and how you want to be.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 2

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/29/2007 7:18:23 PM

jaymckenas

Posts: 146
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I am what you guys call a new dom in training.

Me too. :)

quote:

I do enjoy the adventure but I have a hard time start the scene in bedroom.

Read up on different scenes. Use your imagination and build off of the basics, use your knowledge of your wife's kinks, interests, desires, and spice them up.

quote:

What else I can do. She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy. any advise?

Either just in regular conversation, or perhaps during a scene, make her explore what she truly desires. help her open up about what kinks/desires/needs she has and then do your best to fulfill them. Ultimatley it's a matter of communication, you don't need to necessarily go out and find new things to try, just find out what else she likes, store away the info and save it for a rainy day :)

I'm obviously not incredibly exprienced, but hope this helps

Cheers,
and Good Luck,
-Jay

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 3

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/29/2007 11:36:43 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You're the Dominant. What do YOU want to do? Hopefully what you want and what she wants matches! Check out the books in the lists in my signature. That's a place to start.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 4

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/30/2007 8:26:57 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gcarlos

My wife told me that she wants to be a sub and encourage me to be her dom. She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy.

Hold up, wait a minuet. By her decision, you're being the dom to keep her happy? I'm confused. Is she wanting you to be more kinky/forcefull in the bedroom or be a dom? As it stands, you're currently in a Top from Bottom relationship meaning that you're the sub delivering the sadistic needs of your dom.

As a dom, say "This is what you like? Just know we're going to do it my way. The way that I like it." Blind fold, hand cuff, and have her suck you off while you're twising her nipples. Then begin fore play on her but stop right before orgasim. Say "I got what I wanted and this was fun." Leave her cuffed to the bed while you check your e-mail. Come back with a few fun toys, have your way, and then fuck her as long and hard as you want. It's important to make it known that it's not your job to make her happy. As a sub, her happiness depends on how she makes you happy. When she wants something, be a house hold task or a type of service, make sure that she earns it one way or another. You're in charge, set the standards.

Best of luck, New Dom.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 5

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/31/2007 3:42:12 AM

goalie62

Posts: 114
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

quote:

ORIGINAL: gcarlos

My wife told me that she wants to be a sub and encourage me to be her dom. She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy.

Hold up, wait a minuet. By her decision, you're being the dom to keep her happy? I'm confused. Is she wanting you to be more kinky/forcefull in the bedroom or be a dom? As it stands, you're currently in a Top from Bottom relationship meaning that you're the sub delivering the sadistic needs of your dom.

As a dom, say "This is what you like? Just know we're going to do it my way. The way that I like it." Blind fold, hand cuff, and have her suck you off while you're twising her nipples. Then begin fore play on her but stop right before orgasim. Say "I got what I wanted and this was fun." Leave her cuffed to the bed while you check your e-mail. Come back with a few fun toys, have your way, and then fuck her as long and hard as you want. It's important to make it known that it's not your job to make her happy. As a sub, her happiness depends on how she makes you happy. When she wants something, be a house hold task or a type of service, make sure that she earns it one way or another. You're in charge, set the standards.

Best of luck, New Dom.

Oh, I think I'll write this down and save it myself. Since I'm new too.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 6

RE: Advise for New Dom - 8/31/2007 11:15:57 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

To distill what FNF is saying into something that may be more generally understandable -- the mechanics of what you're doing, what order you're whipping, etc, are not anywhere near as important as your ATTITUDE.

Don't think of "being a dom" as something you put on your hardhat for when you enter the bedroom. Sure, if you're doing specific formal "scenes", there may be a moment you can point to and say "this is when the scene started", but part of the thrill of d/s is that it is (or can be) an undercurrent in every aspect of the relationship. it isn't about nipple clamps or floggers, they're just accessories.

Next time you can tell she's upset at you for watching football on TV (totally random and stereotypical example, I personally hate sports on TV), grab her and bend her over your lap and twist her arm behind her so she can't get up. Pull down her pants or pull up her skirt and spank her or play with her or don't do anything but hold her. Just keep her there while you watch the game and tell her "see, now we're both having fun". You're not doing something to make her happy (although you're sarcastically pretending to, and in the process humiliating her even more!). You're doing what you want to do anyway, and showing her that if she disapproves you're just going to take her over your knee and teach her to be careful what she asks for.

As far as the practical "how-to" stuff, definitely get the books. In general, building something up slowly with any of your toys will be more pleasurable, and doing something all-out right from the beginning will be quite painful. Which is how, for example, spanking can be both a form of play and a genuine punishment -- if I just grab a girl and start whacking her ass full-strength with a paint stirrer, she'll be crying within a few strokes and begging to be forgiven. But if I take ten minutes to build up to that same intensity, she'll be dripping wet promising the moon and the stars if I'll just please, please use her body however I want (and it is in that moment that you'll know deep in your heart if you are a dom -- does her begging to please you turn you on more than anything in your life or imagination ever has?)

(in reply to goalie62)

Post #: 7

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/1/2007 12:20:36 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Blind fold, hand cuff, and have her suck you off while you're twising her nipples.

Don't forget the hair pulling part too.

You might also enjoy using cothes pins on her nips and various other places, start with about 10-20 seconds at a time.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 8

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/1/2007 7:22:25 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Frankly, I would run out and buy a copy of Screw the Roses, I haven't had one in years but just picked up a used copy and am rereading it. I had forgotten how well written it was as it explains concepts in a way that are easily understood. It coveres a wide variety of topics and is the least bit threatening.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 9

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/1/2007 7:21:40 PM

gcarlos

Posts: 98
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for your respond

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 10

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/1/2007 7:33:23 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gcarlos

Hi,

I am what you guys call a new dom in training. Recently my wife told me that she wants to be a sub and encourage me to be her dom. I do enjoy the adventure but I have a hard time start the scene in bedroom. I usually go to whiping part, but I am not sure if this is right. What else I can do. She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy. any advise?

for me.. what you are describing is more an Act of Topping than is an Act of Dominating.... they do co-exist nicely.. but I suggest you and your wife seek to understand the two different aspects and then learn what is it she really looking for.

In short.. is she looking for Sensations? or is she looking for a Mental headspace? or maybe it's both... getting more into understanding what she and YOU.. want....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 11

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/2/2007 11:41:51 AM

PairOfDimes

Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

Yes, sometimes it is hard to get a scene started. I tend to think that it's best to just start and work through the five minutes of discomfort--it gets better if you just keep going.

I don't understand what this means: "She tells me that she is in tying and whiping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy." Has she said that she enjoys things beyond tying and whipping? You could talk with her and see if she's being shy about telling you what she wants--but please know that maybe she's being clear and tying and whipping IS what she wants, and that that is what will keep her happy! Please don't insist that you know what she wants better than she does--that isn't good for the relationship or the sexual health.

Are you enjoying the tying and whipping, too? It's okay to do things because your wife likes them, and it's even better to do things you both enjoy. If you think you have similar desires but you don't quite know what they are, you could look at porn videos or erotic stories for inspiration. Sometimes it's good to show your spouse videos or stories you especially liked and talk about why you liked them. You can probably find things that you both enjoy doing together.

I see that some replies are encouraging you to take control in the relationship. I think this is because you've used the word "dom," which usually means one who takes control, not necessarily one who ties people up and whips them. If you want to do things to make your wife happy, and what she wants is being tied up and whipped in the way she wants, that's great! You would likely want to use the word "top" or "submissive sadist" to describe what you're doing, if that is the case. As KnightofMists wrote, there is sensation (tying, whipping) and there is the mental headspace (feeling like you're in control, or not in control--obeying, serving). You don't have to do one to do the other.

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 12

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/3/2007 7:09:22 AM

gcarlos

Posts: 98
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Good Day Everyone!

This is G's wife (and dear sub) responding. Just wanted to clarify for everyone...not only am i a sub but i am a masochist. Thanks for all of your input...it has been very insightful for us. I think that G is learning too that not only can he be a Dom but that he is also a sadist...much to my amazement and enjoyment!

Not only had this thread been helpful but this board in general has been a great resource for us. Thanks again!

--G's girl

(in reply to PairOfDimes)

Post #: 13

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/3/2007 7:16:20 AM

mmb1

Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline

Good luck G's wife :)

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 14

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/3/2007 7:21:24 AM

Bobkgin

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

You've all the makings for a great adventure into bdsm: a loving and trusting wife, and a desire to love her as she wishes to be loved.

Be careful of trying to go too quickly or too ambitiously. Take things at a pace that is comfortable for you, where neither of you ever feel overwhelmed by it

As for what you can do to make her happy: asking her questions about her fantasies will likely produce a number of ideas for you. Tailor her fantasies according to your abilities and confidence.

One thing I'd recommend is overwhelming her with pleasure. It is a rather sublime form of torture.

Bind her to the bed on her back, her legs up and spread, her hands bound out of the way, and then perform cunnilingus for as long as you can.

When I've done this, the lady is left an incoherent, twitching blob of nerve endings.

Trust me, that's a good thing.

When done, untie her, cover her with a blanket and cuddle with her.

Good luck with your adventures.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 15

RE: Advise for New Dom - 9/3/2007 7:53:04 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gcarlos
Hi,
I am what you guys call a new dom in training. Recently my wife told me that she wants to be a sub and encourage me to be her dom.

I bet it is very exciting and perhaps a bit scary. The process is different when both parties are inexperienced. The biggest difficulty is the issue of confidence. It's difficult to be confident with no experience to draw. It's never too late to learn and the process can be a lot of fun! If you have the fun aspect in the forefront instead of feeling frustrated is the "perfect" bondage scene goes awry, you can laugh about it - a much better dynamic. Being confident that you don't and can't know everything, that you can and will make mistakes, and things can and will go wrong provides the greatest confidence of all.

quote:

I do enjoy the adventure but I have a hard time start the scene in bedroom.

Interesting, the martial bed may not provide you the proper 'head space', an important aspect of the dynamic. Depending on your situation, you can change the layout - creating a small 'play-space'. Better yet - buy a new bed. Buy it with the idea of 'play' in mind. Go to the furniture store and check out the beds with big strong posts, or an iron frame, or something that, as you view it, you picture your wife bound. Try them out in the store. Even if you don't buy one - when you return to your home bed you may see it in a different light.

quote:

I usually go to whipping part, but I am not sure if this is right.

What can be wrong? There are places to avoid, such as the kidney area, but experimentation is a LOT of fun.

quote:

What else I can do.

That question you should ask her and talk out between each other.

quote:

She tells me that she is in tying and whipping. But I like to do more for her to keep her happy. any advise?

Yeah - you have a great intention - act upon it.

quote:

g's wife: This is G's wife (and dear sub) responding. Just wanted to clarify for everyone...not only am i a sub but i am a masochist.

Good luck to you G's wife!

You've each tossed out a number of terms. 'sub' 'masochist' 'dom'; it's not important that you share your definitions with anyone else or that you have the 'right' answer. The important thing is to make you and your spouse have the same definition and answers that are right for you. This should be an important and great time for your relationship. You've started to expose yourself to each other in a way you haven't previously. Go all the way - get NAKED! Enjoy each other to the fullest. Seek opportunities to view and/or participate in new things. Try to live your fantasies.

Good luck! Enjoy!

(in reply to gcarlos)

Post #: 16

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