GhitaAmati -> RE: Do you recall your first good bdsm experience? (8/30/2007 9:37:00 AM)
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I didnt know when I started this it would end up so long....apologies for the length....but thanks for the opportunity to write this...I think I needed that...Im gonna go cry in a pillow now.... Ok, well...im one of those people who's first foray into the BDSM world was online only. I mean for years Id been having these fantasies and erotic dreams about being tied up and spanked and honestly I just though there was something wrong with me. I can remember having these dreams in second grade, we moved alot when I was little and I always judge my age in memories by what house we were in....yea, we moved that much. My dad is a minister, but he's not one of those live in a closet type ministers...actually my dad's pretty cool..he watches MTV and says shit and damn.....but I did think I had to be the only person in the world who had dreams like that... So when I was in mid-highschool sometime, I found chat rooms on the internet via yahoo messenger. First I just hung out in the regular chat rooms...then I found..whoa...BDSM chat rooms? really? You gotta be kidding me....I thought I was the only nutso thinking up these things. Sometime around that same year I found a copy of "the story of O" in a box mom had brought home from a yard sale....that led to an interesting conversation with my mother. She said it was disgusting garbage that she hadnt realized was in the pile she bought for a dime a peice...anyway...back to the chat rooms. I kinda got the impression that all anyone in the rooms did was cyber so I still honestly didnt believe that anyone really did this stuff in real life....I guess I was about 16 at the time... So, right out of high school, Im working as a manager at a hardware store. There was this one customer, there was just something about him, I couldnt get enough of him. He was a regular customer, and was in the store at basically the same time every tuesday. I would stand by the front door and watch the parking lot until his van showed up. It didnt matter what else I was suposed to be doing right then, or if I was in the middle of helping another customer, Id pawn it off on another employee and follow this guy around like a little puppy dog, helping him find anything he needed and carrying all his stuff. I was kinda embarrassed about it, cause I knew he must have thought I was silly, but there was just something about him, and the way he looked at me, Id almost melt. Anyway, after several months of this, one day he leaned down and whispered in my ear to be ready at seven pm that night because he was gonna pick me up and take me out. I think I just kinda nodded, and I was shocked. It wasnt until after he'd left the store that I realized he'd never asked where I lived and Id never told him. But I decided to ignore that and be ready anyway. I think I was ready by 5...lol...But right at seven, he pulls into the driveway of my apartment complex. I still to this day dont know how he did that, and it was 10 years ago. He kinda put his hand on the back of my neck and just steered me to his car, I cant remember much of what was said that night, but there was no question in my mind I would have done anything he asked of me that night. All we did that first evening was go to a few clubs, and dance and shoot pool. He never tried to do anything to me, or make me do anything, he kissed me at my doorstep when he dropped me off, and during that kiss he grabbed the back of my head and twisted his hand up in my hair and kissed rather hard, and bit my neck so hard I had a bruise the next day. It was an amazing feeling. I never gave him my number, and he never even mentioned the possibility of a second date that evening, and It drove me nuts for several days at work. I couldnt concentrate on anything, I was constantly staring out into the parking lot. When I got home, Id immediatly take a shower and get dressed again in something I wouldnt mind him seeing me in, but he never showed up. Finally, after I almost couldnt take it anymore, he showed back up on Saturday. I dont remember what I was wearing but he made me change, after going through my closet himself. And he drove me to a rather amazing fetish event. Id never before known anything about the Leather lifestyle, even during my time in the chat rooms Id never heard of it, but that night, I dont think I could stop staring at everything around me. I remember asking lots of questions, and he answered all of them, but he never did anything but just let me watch and ask things on my own. I never had an actual bdsm "scene" with him until a few months later, but we were together almost every evening. I dont think he ever actually did a single thing to make me feel the way I did, but there was never any question about the fact that he had compleate control over me from the first time he walked into that store where I worked. We were together for almost 3 years. Extenuating circumstances ended our relationship, but it ended on a very good note.....Now, I have my 8yr old...who is beginning to look an awful lot like his father, and its very hard for me to see his face without remembering the feelings I had towards J. My husband and current Sir knows, that everytime anyone asks me to describe the perfect Master, I will describe J. He also knows full well that if I were to ever run into J again on the street, it would take a compleate and Direct Order from him to stop me from falling to the ground at his feet. I know now, now that Ive grown up some and learned alot more, that most of the "training" I recieved from J would be considered by most to be abuse, tantamount to brainwashing....When driving through my old neighborhood, Ive found myself circling the block where he used to live for hours. I know he doesnt live there anymore, but I physically can not force myself to turn the car away, It takes calling my husband and getting him to force me to drive away to get it to happen.... When most people hear me describe my relationship with J, they cant believe I consider it a good experiance, but for me...it was wonderful. I know for the sake of my son I would never go back...but there is a very strong part of my brain that begs me to go back constantly.....
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