RE: No longer a true sub?

RE: No longer a true sub? (Full Version)

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Rover -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/30/2007 9:54:30 AM)
My standard suggestion is that you turn assertions such as "you're not truly a submissive" or "you're not submissive enough" around, and reply that the real problem is that he's not Dominant enough. It makes a point for those with half a brain, but too often that point is missed (draw your own conclusions regarding brain quantity). Grudgingly, I have to admit that what this guy expects is perfectly acceptable, even if it's more than a bit unrealistic. He's entitled to whatever dynamic works for him, in whatever time frame works for him, and it's a simple matter of being compatible or not. But when folks are not willing to afford that courtesy in return, well, it rather negates my desire to tolerate them. People earn respect, and derision. He seems worth none of the former, and plenty of the latter. John

KnightofMists -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/30/2007 3:18:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe? I am Always Honest about telling others that I am not a True Sub!! I think people deserve the truth!!!

KnightofMists -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/30/2007 3:22:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover Grudgingly, I have to admit that what this guy expects is perfectly acceptable, even if it's more than a bit unrealistic. He's entitled to whatever dynamic works for him, in whatever time frame works for him, and it's a simple matter of being compatible or not. yup what every works for him!! Of course... wanting it and actually having it are two entirely different things.... When I see and hear indivdiuals like this.. I have to wonder... do they ever actually achieve this want... or do they modify the want somewhat

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/30/2007 7:28:20 PM)
To the OP..look in the mirror..who and what do you see?...If you see..(insert name here) and a submissive..then..voila..you are submissive!I mean would you doubt it if someone said you were not (insert name?)of course not !..so why would you doubt that you are also as you identify?...let no one tell you who you are!!!..you know!!!...Tempting

Cyntilating -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/31/2007 4:59:30 AM)
bbwGasub I'm sure this felt like rejection to you ...and he sure knew " the botton to push" ( not a true sub ) to make you feel " weakened" and the one rejected... Scuzzy thing for him to do, imo. Can you see, tho' , that his goals and intentions were not compatible with what you were seeking in a relationship? that doesn't make YOU wrong or him either actually...( even tho' insensative for sure ) just differing relationship goals ( or lack there of because he clearly just wanted his bjs above all else...bless his little heart) imo if I am not compatible with someone > that does not make ME incompatible. jsut not with that particular person. You are allowing his "words" ( not true sub) to put yourself in a mental place of unacceptability* rather than just incompatibility in this.* You are defining ( or redefining ) who you are and think you are by what this ONE person says? or feels? ....please don't.

BlueEyedSubinDE -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/31/2007 7:13:32 PM)
The first few times I was branded "not a true sub", I would argue with them. Then I realized that I was just wasting my time. Now, I simply agree with a heavy dose of sarcasm added in. For example - Oh my God, you're right, I'm not a true submissive, and you sir (note the lower case s) are much too domnificient to waste any more of your precious time on someone so unworthy as me. No really, run, run as far away from me as you can. You can almost see their heads spin around, especially when you use things that aren't words but almost sound like they should be.

Rover -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/31/2007 7:20:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists Of course... wanting it and actually having it are two entirely different things.... When I see and hear indivdiuals like this.. I have to wonder... do they ever actually achieve this want... or do they modify the want somewhat Sometimes I think the perfection of their fantasy is so intoxicating that there is no reality that can be an acceptable substitute for them. And that would preclude "settling" for anything less. That is not to say that somewhere there's not someone who is a compatible partner. It's just a matter of probabilities. John

RRafe -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/31/2007 7:42:42 PM)
Yes! One can have a deep fantasy desire for a left handed albanian midget-who looks like madonna. How long it will take to actually FIND that is anybodie's guess.[:D] quote: ORIGINAL: Rover quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists Of course... wanting it and actually having it are two entirely different things.... When I see and hear indivdiuals like this.. I have to wonder... do they ever actually achieve this want... or do they modify the want somewhat Sometimes I think the perfection of their fantasy is so intoxicating that there is no reality that can be an acceptable substitute for them. And that would preclude "settling" for anything less. That is not to say that somewhere there's not someone who is a compatible partner. It's just a matter of probabilities. John

Slaveless1 -> RE: No longer a true sub? (8/31/2007 10:16:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe? Hell, it make you realisitic and him an ass. It sounds to me that all he was looking for was easy sex, or in this case blowjobs. You are no less a sub just because you need some time to get back into things. You did the right thing and dropped him , do not second guess yourself you are:" FINE"

Squeakers -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/1/2007 7:48:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe? I would not consider that your tolerance to pain decreased. From a personal stand point, I find that there is a drastic difference in my pain tolerance from one person to the next. I have a higher level of pain tolerance for a person I know very well, have a general fondness for and have developed a deep trust for. I think mostly it has to do with the trust issue. If there is trust, subconciously, I do not fear that any harm will come to me. I am able to relax my body, concentrate on the feelings the impliment makes when it connects to my skin, and then it does not feel as painful even if the strokes are harder and in essence more painful. If I am with someone I do not know very well, someone I am not particularly fond of, I am unable to develop a feeling of deep trust. My body is tense, the strokes hurt and it causes pain, therefore my tolerance level goes way down. I know I can not submit to public play or casual play, it simply would not work for me. Unless, it was someone my chosen Partner knew very well. Meaning my Partner would know the other person's technique and style, my Partner has full trust in the other person and my Partner was present to control the scene. In order for me to find pleasure in pain, I must expect the pain (like stubbing your toe hurts because it is not expected), I must relax into it, and it must start slowly and progress. I can experience a lower threshold of pain with a person I know mentally well, that I am fond of and I trust, if I am unsure of his techniques. I am going to be tense until I am aware of his style and if it is not compatable for me, it is simply not going to work. I have been told, that I am not a true submissive, masochist, pain slut---any random number of labels by a Dom who has no idea what so ever on how to properly cane, whip, spank me in a way that I can enjoy. Does that make him a wannabe, a fake, a non true Dom? I dunno, it just did not work for me. I do think that it is sort of silly for someone to make such a statement as you are not a true submissive, because in all fairness, what the hell is a true submissive. Is there an actual definition? Probably a million and six different ones. As for being a newbie, a wanna be---that is a question you can only answer yourself. Again, I consider them labels. .

Dom21740 -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/1/2007 10:38:20 AM)
I must be a little confused. It appears that this "Dom" has no genuine regard for you, your needs, or any understanding that true submission - as opposed to simply playing a role - is based on trust. Trust takes time to develop. It is not something that can be dictated. It requires that the submissive truly believe a Dom will be aware of and act to fulfill her needs - as well as his own. Other than a few convincing lines, what has he done to prove he is worthy of either your respect or your obedience? The fact that he has created a profile that identifies him as a "Dom" does not necessarily give his opinions validity - nor does it require you to take them seriously. Consider his opinion, as well as those posted on this thread - and decide for yourself if he is right about you. Experience is much like age - having "more" does not necessarily guarantee you are wiser... it simply guarantees you are older. Adopting the title of "Dom" means nothing, it is the actions, values, and character - proven over time - that define a true Dominant. As far as pain tolerance is concerned, being a submissive is primarily about pleasing and control - it is not necessarily strictly about pain tolerance. Pain tolerance is not the sole characteristic that defines a submissive - submission is defined more by a desire to please and to relinquish control. Be patient with yourself, recognize that you are looking for a Dom who will possess a genuine regard for you and your well being - and also recognize that most everyone knows the "right" answers and has convincing lines - it is their actions that define who they really are. His actions show him to be not worth your time - and certainly not worth missing.

feastie -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/1/2007 6:34:40 PM)
Fast reply: Don't ever let anyone make you question yourself. Honestly, how can a person's worth, (and a submissive IS a person), be measured by the number of bj's she can perform and the amount of pain she can take? Everything has to start at the beginning, not with the pinnacle. If you start at the top, there's nowhere to go but down. Consider yourself smart and cut the idiot loose.

WillowRain -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/2/2007 7:46:49 AM)
Let me offer this back to you from an outside perspective. A submissive was brave enough to extend herself out toward another person who was a D type (this is used really loosly here). That submissive made it clear that she was in a place where she needed to take her time and move slow. This D type person was a putz and put down the blow job card without any concern for the connection with the submissive, their time together, or what they were or wern't building between them. When that submissive made clear her very reasonable boundaries, he decided to bully her and hurt her feelings. To say what he did to you was an intentional attempt to harm and manipulate you. Your feelings and self were not thought of by this man much at all. Walk away, and find someone who will see the beauty and potential within you. Just because someone is utterly blind to the innate value of who you are, does not define your value in any way, or lesson that value. You are still you. He is still a putz. (And I recognize that you were asking D types, but I felt a strong urge to reply.)

Cdub2U -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/13/2007 4:11:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe? Always be true to yourself - When someone disrespects you there is nothing wrong with telling them to KISS YOUR ASS ! (just my opimion!) Cw

UR2Badored -> RE: No longer a true sub? (9/13/2007 4:44:23 PM)
FR~ (sorry if this is a repeat) Too many get caught up with the notion that if the other person has different needs or views ( or just not interested?), the other person must not be a submissive (or not a dominant for that matter). Actually, it shows a lack of perception skills (bka mastery of second grade social skills) to think that every person will either be an absolute match or is an absolute fake who is incapable of being aware of his or her own desires. Not that I like labels, but we all presumably have first impressions or opinions about others. However, it is not anyone's job to clarify for others what one should seek in a relationship or what one should identify as. These types must truly miss out on some amazing acquaintances and friends. Cie La Vie.....more for me :)

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