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No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 10:44:22 PM

bbwGAsubbie

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/7/2004
Status: offline

i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe?

Post #: 1

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 10:47:47 PM

winterlight

Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline

take your time. He's an idiot. Find somebody better. Where is it written to give a blowjob at the next meeting?
Tell him to dream on...

I have had idiots ask me when i last had sex etc. Jerks the lot of em! they can jerk themselves...pffffffftttttt!!

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 2

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 10:56:14 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

The good news is that you werent ever a "true sub" to begin with, much like...everyone else in the history of this lifestyle.

Nor has anyone ever reached this pinnacle accomplishment of becomming a "true sub" or a "true Dom".

So...all you can do is move forward at this point.

(On a side note, with 20 years of involvement in the "lifestyle", I would have personally expected you to have figured that out by now. But then again...everyone learns at their own pace)

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 3

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 10:59:07 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Perhaps you are a "you sub"?

Stranger things have happened............as far as the fellow in question-if you can't say something nice.

I'll be quiet now.

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 4

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 11:08:05 PM

bbwGAsubbie

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/7/2004
Status: offline

Granted with 20 years of experience i should know better but it's very hard, even after years in the lifestyle, not to take criticism from a Dom very seriously and start to question what i did wrong when things go kaput. And there is this nagging niggling little thing in the back of my mind that makes me wonder if he was right? What if i've been out of it for so long that i'm back to square one?
thanks for the input by the way.

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 5

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 11:28:44 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie

Granted with 20 years of experience i should know better but it's very hard, even after years in the lifestyle, not to take criticism from a Dom very seriously and start to question what i did wrong when things go kaput. And there is this nagging niggling little thing in the back of my mind that makes me wonder if he was right? What if i've been out of it for so long that i'm back to square one?
thanks for the input by the way.

Well, at least your off the true sub thing at this point which makes me feel like I did something a little bit constructive...having spared you hopefully some mockery and laughter from future posters *ahem*.

As far as the interspective questives you have posed, I cant personally answer them since only you can. I can pose a few of my own, though...for example...what would a 39 year old woman with hopefully quite a lot of life experience think about a dominant who used the words "true sub" as some objective standard and was solely concerned with blowjobs? And, given that opinion, how much value would she put on his?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 6

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/29/2007 11:32:30 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

The first thing that I'd argue is not even your actual question. I argue the definition that a sub/slave MUST be a masochist...and vice versa. I know many subs/slave who are NOT masochist...I know others who are sadists...and I know Doms/Masters who are masochists, too.

So, the answer to your question is: What we do does not ncessarily define who we are.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 7

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:05:43 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

I understand your questioning yourself, OP, but that's only one guy's opinion and from the sounds of it, not worth listening to. Personally I've found if there is a long time between impact play sessions my pain tolerance decreases but with regular "fixes" it doesn't take long to come back up again. Not all subs are into pain and it was unfair of him to put a label on you in that way. Buck up, chickie...submission is sorta like riding a bicycle, you never really lose it. Know who you are and trust in yourself and tell those naysayers to take a hike...you're worth more than that.

Love and light,
sage

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:08:59 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

First thing I'd question is if he's really a dom or just a guy who wants a bj.

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 9

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:14:51 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I never get the whole "true" bullshit. I can't imagine why it is used by anyone in this context. You are who you are. It's like beauty is in the eye of the beholder and trash and treasure markets. Someones rubbish is someone elses gold. I say fuck him off, have a giggle, hope his dick drops off and move on.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 10

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:16:29 AM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree with both bandit25 and sage on this one.... Sounds to me like your just you and him well he was a dimwit

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 11

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:23:45 AM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I think that the answer to your question depends...

It depends on whether your being submissive is something you define as being a natural, organic part of who you are as a person, that it is one part of who you are as a human being, or if it is something external which is defined by actions and how others, whom you have empowered,perceive them.

This might sound like a telephychologist mantra, but I think if you look very closely at what I have said, you might not think it just a pat response to your question.

< Message edited by puella -- 8/30/2007 3:26:23 AM >

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 12

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 3:56:17 AM

HisSongstress

Posts: 103
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

I don't want to caught up in the debate of labels...which I find to be an excuse for some to post/beat on others. Besides, I don't think that is her question.

To the OP,

Give yourself permission to change. Embrace the changes, the growth. You are not the same person who you were 20 years ago or even who you were yesterday.

How wonderful!

Now.....It is your job to understand yourself so that you can convey that to others. IMO, it is not your job to be everything to every Dominant that contacts you. I needed to give myself permission to be the person that I am.... knowing that very few will like me. That is okay, I only need a couple of people to like me, get me, want me..... not the whole world.

I think that your profile speaks volumes.... You are trying to be honest with yourself and want to be honest with others. Be who you are. Present who you are. I feel that life is a buffet, I am simply another exotic dish on the table. Don't pick me if you don't like my flavor....someone else will. And I am ok with that...... OP, right now, your issue is that you are not okay with that.

I am not saying that it is easy to get to that point.... or tougher still... to stay at that point. I struggle with it daily. I think for many of us submissives, the strength and security that comes from that knowledge scares us a bit. We think that we are not entitled.... we think that we are "not sub enough" if we are strong and self aware. However...if it is who I am... how can I not "be enough"?

As for the "you should have known better" line..... never buy into that. All it does is hurt us and make us question our abilities, intelligence, etc.. Use what you have NOW. Be who you are NOW. Listen to your thoughts NOW. Listen only to the people that you can trust. For the rest, simply smile and say thank you .... and know that they will never understand you, no matter how hard you try...because they don't want to...

best!

song

_____________________________

"More, please." ....Oliver Twist

Before discovering bdsm, my motto was "Like me or bite me." But here, everyone seems to think that is an invitation.

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 13

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 4:50:31 AM

SirDraco7

Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline

I'm with everyone else here. He's just an idiot who is thinking with the wrong head.
Just because you are not what you used to be doesn't mean you are no longer submissive. Things and people change. lol perhaps you're rusty. :)

Who knows. Just know that anyone like that and who thinks what that 'dom' does isn't a real Dom at all.
Besides what he said to you was just frustration because he couldn't get the bj's he wanted from you.

good luck with moving on and finding a real Dom.

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 14

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 4:56:30 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

If it's been a while since you enjoyed pain play, then in that you may indeed be back to square one. And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it may be a good thing. You will respond to light sensation play the way you wouldn't have when you could take more. Even small pinches will get a squeak out of you. Think of the fun the right dom can have with someone who responds to everything!

I don't know what a true sub is, but my suggestion is to tell this twit that you are a submissive but you sure as hell aren't going to be his submissive.

(in reply to SirDraco7)

Post #: 15

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 6:41:21 AM

servantheart

Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie

i met a "Dom" from collarme and had a couple of meetings. i explained that it has been a long time (several years) since i was active in the lifestyle and he gave me a very convincing line about how patient he'd be, etc. So i find out that my pain tolerance isnt now what it was at the end of my last relationship and find out that he's updating his profile to restate that he's looking for a sub. Our conversations centered entirely on how many blowjobs he'd get at our next meeting so i said i'm not sure this is going to work as we have very different expectations and time frames. His response was, i should have been honest about no longer being a true sub. i guess my question is this: does a lack of pain tolerance or a need to go slower mean i'm no longer a true sub? i've been involved in the lifestyle for 20 years with the exception of the long lapse between Doms so if i'm no longer a true sub, what does that make me now? a newbie? or a wannabe?

People change with time, physically and mentally. Having a lesser tolerance for certain things doesn't represent anything other than what it simply is...a change. Imho, You are exercising good judgment by taking things slowly. In looking at your profile, I see nothing misleading. He is the one being dishonest. After all, he led you to believe he would be patient and now he's engaging in name-calling because he didn't get his way (i.e. an easy lay). How juvenile! Sounds like his ego is way too fragile. That being the case, of course he has to make it your fault. It is good that you found out now rather than after wasting too much of your time on the likes of someone like him. Perhaps you should give him a binky and tell him to go home to his Mommy till he grows up

.

Taryn

_____________________________

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 16

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 6:54:44 AM

PeggyO

Posts: 129
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwGAsubbie

Granted with 20 years of experience i should know better but it's very hard, even after years in the lifestyle, not to take criticism from a Dom very seriously and start to question what i did wrong when things go kaput. And there is this nagging niggling little thing in the back of my mind that makes me wonder if he was right? What if i've been out of it for so long that i'm back to square one?
thanks for the input by the way.

Hello,

There's part of the problem right there. You somehow have internalized the belief that just because someone who identifies as a dominant say something, you need to take it seriously. Just because someone says they are a dominant doesn't mean that anything they say has any merit whatsoever. Dominants, like everyone else, come in all qualities. Just because they woke up in the morning and decided they preferred to be in charge does not make them qualified to be. It just means that they like it. In fact some of them suck at being in charge. And they're not YOUR dominant - what they say is, in the grand scheme of things, fairly close to meaningless until you get to know them better. And in the case of this person, the getting to know him process revealed that he is basically a guy looking to get his dick sucked. Frankly, someone whose stated end goal is that is someone whose opinions on pretty much anything else probably aren't very releveant or meaningful. Not wanting to play the way he does has nothing to do with you being submissive (that's his guilt trip thing to try to get you to do what he wants). It is his way of stomping his feet and being a whiny child because things didn't go his way.

I've been in the lifestyle 12 years and I assure you that I don't automatically take things said by "dominants" more seriously than from other folks. I'm not sure where you got that concept, but it's in your own self interest to lose it - fast.

You need to look at the message, not the messenger. You can get a lot of really good information from submissives, switches and slaves. It may even be better (gasp) than information you get from some dominants. Until you learn to look at what someone is telling you without regard to the chosen orientation of the person telling you, you're going to keep running into this.

If it sounds like BS, well..........it probably is.

Take care,

Peggy

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 17

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 7:18:01 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

He wanted to dump you, you were threatening his sense of dominance by suggesting he was just a dork who wanted hot sex with no obligations when he promised more, and so he had to get the attention off HIM and possibly even get you back into your "place" from shame and guilt.

It's a tactic that works a lot.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to PeggyO)

Post #: 18

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 7:38:37 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He dips His lid;

A submissive gifts herself to a Dominant's strength to perform submissive actions that are in their perspective submissive. If you question His request then you question His strength. Don't further question your right to make an informed decision to 'gift' yourself. Listen to your own mind.

Would your indecision be any different if He asked you to flog Him?

Warm regards Driver.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: No longer a true sub? - 8/30/2007 8:10:17 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

i should know better but it's very hard, even after years in the lifestyle, not to take criticism from a Dom very seriously and start to question what i did wrong when things go kaput

Your problem is that you believe he's a Dom. From my own experience, if the potential "Dom" I'm talking to wants to discuss sex all the time, I know he's a whanker, not a Dom at all. Talking about sexual matters before it is appropriate is my biggest red flag. Compatability is based more on whether you enjoy spending time together, whether you enjoy chatting and sharing the day....not on the number of bj's you are willing to deliver at the next meeting.

(in reply to bbwGAsubbie)

Post #: 20

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