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Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 6:48:58 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I will refrain from giving my own opinions, and I know this is subjective.  I really just want to get a discussion going. 

Is it really considered cheating if someone is married & they seek out a dominant for bdsm activities only, & exclude sexual contact?  After all, it isn't considered cheating if someone gets their nails done by someone other than their SO, or a pedicure, which can be quite intimate, or finding a tennis partner other than their SO?  Wouldn't receiving bdsm activities be along the lines of receiving a service sometimes? 

< Message edited by MissIsis -- 8/30/2007 6:49:47 AM >
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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 6:50:28 AM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		As long as you're not hiding anything then no it isn't cheating. It you are hiding it or lying about it then it is. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet

(in reply to MissIsis)
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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 6:54:56 AM   
brattybabe4u


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree....as partners, you both set the boundries openly..and whatever those are and both of you agree, you are not cheating. Cheating goes hand and hand with deception, lying and disrespect....whether sexual or not

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 6:57:37 AM   
apiercedkitty


Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		i agree... if it's being hidden and lied about, it's cheating.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:09:07 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips His lid to all;

Cheating having BDSM activities without  sexual contact? (including cigars!!!??) without telling your partner? 

Like really? Where is the person's respect to commitment to another or let alone exhibiting some strength of themselves?

In my opinion all BDSM related activity which excludes any sexual contact via the orifaces still has gratification attached to it that is sexual in the way it is given or received.  Now courts of course appear to differ on this but many devotees will acknowledge personal sexual responses to BDSM activities either  before,during or after the activity.

Oh, some would be gushy just thinking about it.

Laughs to all.  Driver. 

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:10:41 AM   
ThunderRoad


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		If you aren't telling your partner, it's cheating.  If you have their permission, it's not.  Can't really be much clearer than that.


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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:13:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If you feel you have to hide it, then it's cheating.

It's nothing to do with the action.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:17:54 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

I will refrain from giving my own opinions, and I know this is subjective.  I really just want to get a discussion going. 

Is it really considered cheating if someone is married & they seek out a dominant for bdsm activities only, & exclude sexual contact?  After all, it isn't considered cheating if someone gets their nails done by someone other than their SO, or a pedicure, which can be quite intimate, or finding a tennis partner other than their SO?  Wouldn't receiving bdsm activities be along the lines of receiving a service sometimes? 


According to my counselors...cheating occurs when partner in a relationship enjoys intimate relations of any nature, be they physical OR mental OR emotional with another and keeps their activities and the person they are sharing them with hidden from their partner. 

A person can believe that cheating is what they think it is and that not cheating is what they think it is but when you are in a relationship, what your significant other thinks cheating is matters also.  Now, if you have a disagreement of viewpoints you can always sit down and try to reconcile them.  If that does not work, then you have some decisions to make...to honor the commitment made to your partner...or to follow your own feelings knowing that it may end up destroying the relationship.

If you are hiding it, then you know that something about it does not feel right to you.  And I am one of those cynics that believes that most BDSM activities result in a heightened state of arousal, usually of a sexual nature.  Whether anything sexual then occurs or not, the arousal did take place.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:32:01 AM   
LivingInSin


Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		my now ex-husband (totally vanilla) said that it would constitute as cheating becuase it is sexual in nature.
i agree with the input that if you have your partners permission then your good. if your sneaking around well i suppose it depends on your morals. but this is where its what your partner thinks that matters. if they consider it cheating and you know this but still do it......well then i suppose it doesnt matter that you didint think it was cheating.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:34:09 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Is it really considered cheating if someone is married & they seek out a dominant for bdsm activities only, & exclude sexual contact?
My position on this has moved a few inches to the "not cheating" side of the scale. While any activity outside the spouses awareness 'cheats' by definition. I think that applies to saying you are going golfing when you told her/him you are going to the office. Some people treat a BDSM foray as a physical experience equivalent to golf or any physical activity/experience. In that context its a lie and cheating on that same level. 

To me - a BDSM scene or session IS sex and sexual even if it doesn't entail any sex act. It is my belief that a BDSM scene has at least if not more intimacy than sex act because I appreciate and enjoy the emotional and mental intercourse as much as the physical. The change of my attitude comes from realizing that not all people feel that way. I've met enough who have convinced me that they didn't come to their position through rationalization. They believe that BDSM and sex are unrelated.

The obvious problem is when one person's sex act meets with another's 'golf' game. You also always have to consider the 'caddy' - the nonparticipating spouse. Full disclosure eliminates the cheating aspect when BDSM is considered only physical. If you are treating it like any other physical activity you should be able to tell your non-participating spouse you are going 'golfing' with no consequence. Why should it be an issue if there is no intimacy and its only an activity.

Lying is the biggest cheat. Lying to yourself is the worse form of self abuse.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:39:01 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

Lying is the biggest cheat. Lying to yourself is the worse form of self abuse.


If you got to lie, its cheating, Merc's right as usual.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:40:33 AM   
mountainpet


Posts: 40
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		What driver and creative said.  The OP mentioned getting pedicures or having a tennis partner as being possibly similar.  I think the issue is why we go to the pedicurist or the tennis courts- is it for sexual gratification?  If so, it's cheating.  If not, it's not. 

In my own moral code I define different levels of "bads"- I won't say sins because that puts a religious slant on it that I don't intend here.  It's not, to me, a "cheating is cheating" situation- just like the law distinguishes between stealing $10 and stealing $10,000, and the punishments vary accordingly.  I say this because I have cheated, according to my own definition.  I'm not proud of it, but I don't consider it at the level of adultery, for example.  I understand that some other people do. 

(in reply to LivingInSin)
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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:42:40 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone for your comments.  I tend to lean more to the side of one's intent.  However, that being said, if cheating involves being aroused & turned on, then wouldn't looking at porn or getting off on it, be it stories or pictures, be included in this definition?  Wouldn't it be cheating if the person was only thinking about that person at the office while having sex with the SO also be cheating?  

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:43:17 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline 		If there is full disclosure and approval from your partner(s), it's not cheating.  The lack of one or both of those makes it cheating.

~stef


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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:51:51 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

Thanks everyone for your comments.  I tend to lean more to the side of one's intent.  However, that being said, if cheating involves being aroused & turned on, then wouldn't looking at porn or getting off on it, be it stories or pictures, be included in this definition?  Wouldn't it be cheating if the person was only thinking about that person at the office while having sex with the SO also be cheating?  


Looking at porn involves one person...you.  You are not sharing intimacies of a mental or physical or emotional manner DIRECTLY WITH another.  To cheat takes two (or more, depending on how kinky you want to get).

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:53:54 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		your cheating heart      i listened to a talk show how people will always deny everything till they are cought red handed..

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 8/30/2007 8:02:08 AM >

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:59:10 AM   
apiercedkitty


Posts: 569
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

Thanks everyone for your comments.  I tend to lean more to the side of one's intent.  However, that being said, if cheating involves being aroused & turned on, then wouldn't looking at porn or getting off on it, be it stories or pictures, be included in this definition?   


If they're hiding the porn, then they feel guilty for whatever reason - be it rational or not... i think that each person's own definition plays a huge role but i'm a firm believer in if you feel the need to conceal it, it's cheating. i do understand that some relationships don't have a good communication element so one of the partners might feel it's easier to hide things they don't "feel" is going to harm the other. i still think anything a person feels the need to hide in a relationship is cheating... that's just my opinion tho...

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 7:59:59 AM   
SeargentDave


Posts: 21
Joined: 11/9/2005
Status: offline 		If a person engages in sexual activity with another it is adultery, plain and simple. It cannot get any more clear than that. With permission, without permission, it does not matter. Sexual activity with anyone except your spouse is adultery. Now you might not consider it "cheating", "running around" or other such activity but it is adultery.

I will agree though purely BDSM without sex, if the partner does not know is deceptive, the two should talk about it and if one has needs the other cannot fill, and the partner knows, then it is more like having a manicure (why is it a MANicure anyways).

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 8:04:17 AM   
SeargentDave


Posts: 21
Joined: 11/9/2005
Status: offline 		I should have stated "If a married person emgages in sex with a person other than theri partner it is adultery.

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RE: Bdsm w/out sex, cheating? - 8/30/2007 8:16:47 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I agree with most here if you are hiding or not fully disclosing something then it is cheating.

Obviously as the OP and others point out the acts themselves are totally subjective to one everyone’s personal values, beliefs and definitions. For me personally only, I have always found BDSM activities to be way more personal in nature then sexual things and therefore in my own value system that if my other came to me wanting to explore BDSM with another because I was not in to it would destroy me but the fact they have a sex drive, look at porn/other woman and would like to have sex with others not a problem with me at all.



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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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