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telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 9:15:09 AM   
johngreen


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		Hello

I have come to this site, and sorry i haven't logged in yet but i will do in time.

I have been involved in the scene for a few years, but for the last 2 or 3 i havn't been active. I am currently with a vanilla gf at the moment and we have been through a lot together. I didn't think that i would miss the lifestyle but now realise that now that i am unable to keep away from it.

We have a great relationship, but i cannot keep going without saying anything, so have decided to tell her. I understand that she may find this a bit much, and it may be the end of our relationship, but i don't want to hurt anybody when she is very close to me.

has any else been in this situation before? and if so i would be grateful for any advice in this matter, like how i should tell her about it, and if she is happy to keep going, poss how i could introduce her to it?

I know it would have to be very gradual.

Many thanks
David
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 11:27:53 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

has any else been in this situation before? and if so i would be grateful for any advice in this matter, like how i should tell her about it, and if she is happy to keep going, poss how i could introduce her to it?


It is a pretty common occurance amoung people.
Some females bolt and run. Some embrace the lifestyle. Does she have any submissive or dominant traits?

I think the easiest way is maybe show her some porn. See what her comments are. If bad, you can act appropriately. If good proceed on.
In a normal situation I would say just complete honesty. Although it is a female you are referring to. They don't seem to react the same way men do for some reason.
You could always introduce a book into the mix SM101.
I'd go slow though, very slow. Just watch her reactions so you know if you should proceed further.

(in reply to johngreen)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 1:10:45 PM   
SophiaBelle


Posts: 38
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		I have just gone through the exact problem- and there IS hope.

Until very recently I didn't know what to call my desires, but I have felt inclinations towards them since I was young. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years- and I had always been up front with him about me being "kinky" (like I like to be slapped around, "dirty talked" (humiliated) and he even suggested once while we were at a renn fest that he pick up a flogger to use on me (nice, deerskin.)) He seemed fine with all this. And then of course, in the last few weeks I realized exactly what I desired was- researched and found out it was healthy and then I had to figure out a way to break it to him.

It was a lot easier than I thought. He is resistant to me doing scenes with other people, but has been playing with me lately, expirementing. I don't know if he is a real dominant, or if he is just pretending for me- but we've been happy.

I broke it to him one day when he called before coming home from work. I casually mentioned I was considering joining Black Rose, a local bdsm group. He was concerned until I explained that I just wanted more information. He conceded and we have been progressing steadily since.

I feel he is taking it very well, and I sincerely hope your lady does too.

In the book "Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns" there is a section on trying to discern submissive or dominant qualities in your significant other, as well as some suggestions on how to introduce it. I found this very useful.

Good luck.

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 2:18:17 PM   
dominmd


Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Slow, go slow. And as sub4hire said, women react differently than men. I'd start with really mild stuff, very light bondage, play spankings etc. Things like "I wanna try something new" work as well. Above all else be honest about it. But you know your girlfriend best, so you must decide how fast you should go. Going slow is my default speed.

(in reply to SophiaBelle)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 2:38:27 PM   
MadamMichelle


Posts: 26
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldn't go the porn route. I'd try a more mainstream flick, something like "9 1/2 Weeks" or even that horrible movie "East of Eden" and suggest doing something from one of the movies in a really playful way. Don't let on that your serious about this yet. If you remain in a playful mode and are VERY responsive to her attempts, you will have her thinking her participation in the Lifestyle is her idea.

(in reply to dominmd)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 2:46:07 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with MadamMichelle, you could try going the porn route if shes open and receptive to porn anyway, but on the other hand porn puts a lot of women off and she may feel defensive. Humour can be a wonderful safety net.

(in reply to MadamMichelle)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 8:14:09 PM   
fnswart318


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/10/2005
Status: offline 		Are there any sex clubs in your area? Try going one night and stay by her side. Take care of her and let her know you love her not the sex. (verry important) Gauge her response and be ready to leave if she is the slightest bit uncomfortable. Bottom line is be supportive and be willing to be shut down! Think of it as fore-play, the slower you take it the more responsive she will be.

(in reply to foxglove716)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 8:47:42 PM   
tabithaaz


Posts: 42
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		You might try "9-1/2 Weeks" and then perhaps "the Secratary" which gets into the lifestyle a bit more.

(in reply to MadamMichelle)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/11/2005 9:59:45 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadamMichelle

I wouldn't go the porn route. I'd try a more mainstream flick, something like "9 1/2 Weeks" or even that horrible movie "East of Eden" and suggest doing something from one of the movies in a really playful way. Don't let on that your serious about this yet. If you remain in a playful mode and are VERY responsive to her attempts, you will have her thinking her participation in the Lifestyle is her idea.


I've heard this before, and I think it makes sense. Too much too soon can cause a person to bolt...We've all been there.

Playful, slow, and very, very in tune with her reactions...those seem to be the key.

Cin

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quote:


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(in reply to MadamMichelle)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/12/2005 2:28:52 PM   
dominmd


Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful


quote:

ORIGINAL: MadamMichelle

I wouldn't go the porn route. I'd try a more mainstream flick, something like "9 1/2 Weeks" or even that horrible movie "East of Eden" and suggest doing something from one of the movies in a really playful way. Don't let on that your serious about this yet. If you remain in a playful mode and are VERY responsive to her attempts, you will have her thinking her participation in the Lifestyle is her idea.


I've heard this before, and I think it makes sense. Too much too soon can cause a person to bolt...We've all been there.

Playful, slow, and very, very in tune with her reactions...those seem to be the key.

Cin


I have to agree with both of these. Porn just is not the way to go, Unless you already watch it. And like I said, slow and easy. You have to make her feel comfortable. If she does not want to go further then you should respect that.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/12/2005 3:53:01 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I have to agree with both of these. Porn just is not the way to go, Unless you already watch it. And like I said, slow and easy. You have to make her feel comfortable. If she does not want to go further then you should respect that.


I have to agree with him. Porn bores me to death. I can fall asleep. Aside from the fact when I poll my female friends...very few are into porn.

I'd have to say stay away from any sex club as well. That is sort of going way too far too quick.
I say this because a man in my group. Has a vanilla wife...she did allow him to tie her up from time to time. Some spanking. He brings her to one of our tamer parties. Private even.
No more tying her up. No more anything to do with the lifestyle. We all tried to answer her questions to the best of our ability. Nobody went overboard...at least what he has told us.
Never seen her again. He is perplexed he wants to follow this life yet loves his wife very much.
Which is why I say...slow, very slow.

(in reply to dominmd)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/13/2005 1:40:34 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Another suggestion might be to go shopping with her and pick out some new toys together, maybe a beginners' bondage kit. That was the first thing Hubby and i did when he found out about my interests.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to johngreen)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/13/2005 2:05:28 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I'd have to say stay away from any sex club as well. That is sort of going way too far too quick.
I say this because a man in my group. Has a vanilla wife...she did allow him to tie her up from time to time. Some spanking. He brings her to one of our tamer parties. Private even.
No more tying her up. No more anything to do with the lifestyle.


Yes, I've heard many similar stories...Once people see it as a lifestyle, and see how far some people like to go, they get very scared. They see it as a slippery slope leading to severe S/m..

(In much the same way people often think smoking pot will lead to heroin addiction...)

Keep it simple, and private...give them time to want more...IF they are going to want more.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/15/2005 8:47:12 AM   
johngreen


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		thank you for all your advice :)

sorry i haven't replied to soon, have been trying to work out how to do it. Your advice is very good, and I will order the screw the roses book, as i read that before when i started out and will give her an insight but in a slow way, see how she feels from that.

I have to say the other night, she was joking i think but she did go to spank me lol, never know...

she is a bit inscure at times, and we are very close becasue of it, so will have to tread carefully, and wait to it is the right moment.

hopefully she takes to it.

many thanks again

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/15/2005 12:45:47 PM   
dominmd


Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Then encourage those traits that she shows you. Let her hit you once, then tell her "do it again, that was new". Then ask if you can do the same to her. Once or 2 slaps is all you need. Think slow. Stay private for a while, build up her confidence in herself and trust in you.

Try the lightest of bondage: a silk blindfold. Most you can see through, and they are so soft. Satin is just as good. Try this and nothing more. No handcuffs, no rope, no pantyhose for binding. Try blindfolds more, then more up to silk scarves. But, if she asks for handcuffs, then yes try them. Not to tight and keep the keys handy. There is a chance you may create a monster, although it will be one you love

I am seeking a relationship with someone I met months ago. And I have already been thinking of ways to introduce her to my more playful side. This may be months down the road, yes, but I am thinking now. How and when, and even how far.

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/18/2005 10:52:58 AM   
johngreen


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you again for all your advice.

I have now told my gf sooner than ahd planned after we had a talk about our relationship. we have been together for nealry 2 and half years and she doesn't want to give up on it yet, and is willing to try it.

but worst scenario we will be very good friends, but hope we can be more than that :)

It is worth letting her know


(in reply to dominmd)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/20/2005 2:48:33 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johngreen

Thank you again for all your advice.

I have now told my gf sooner than ahd planned after we had a talk about our relationship. we have been together for nealry 2 and half years and she doesn't want to give up on it yet, and is willing to try it.

but worst scenario we will be very good friends, but hope we can be more than that :)

It is worth letting her know




Best of luck. Hope it goes well.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/21/2005 3:24:00 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		As you have been given great advice, I'd like to add in just a few little things. As being a submissive introducing her to being your Dommina will more than likely require you to top from the bottom for a while. I don't know her nature nor her tendencies. Is she already commanding, assertive, and having an attitude of being right?

In any case, when it come to introducing her to this I suggest the foolowing.
1. Ask for her permission to start wearing blind folds.
2. Ask for her permission about being tied up.
3. Start asking for spankings and wax play. Perhaps you can do something kind of naughty that makes her say "Boy, you need a spanking!" and you can reply back "Yes Maam as you bend over"
4. Instead of introducing things as BDSM, I'd recomend something to the effect of "Would you like to start doing things a little kinky?"
5. Find out what her favorite foods and desserts are. Supprise her one day wearing a food or two on you acting as her table/plate.
6. When you shop alone, purposely buy bad clotheing. That will give her the hint to start taking controll over your wardrobe and gives her a little bit more power and controll over you.

I don't know if you'll ever be able to have her be a full Dommina or not but I can say that you do have a good chance of having alteast a few submissive needs met in the bedroom that can and will keep the relationship happy for the both of you. If it dosen't work out, then it dosen't work out and you'll just have to move on.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

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(in reply to johngreen)
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RE: telling my gf of my interests - 7/21/2005 3:29:47 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Tell her and be prepared to lose her. If you're lucky, she'll be into it too. But that's not likely.

Above all, give her time to figure out what she really wants. It will probably come as a surprise to her (to say the least). And the WORST thing that can happen in a situation like this is that a partner pretends to accept you and what you do, but doesn't have any inborn tendency for it, and just goes along with something that isn't right for her because she wants to save the relationship at all costs. That's more heartache than it's worth.

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 19
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