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D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 11:17:19 AM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
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Hey all, Im new to the lifestyle. I had always known the way I felt, but it wasnt until 3 years ago when I started dating a guy that we kind of eased into a 24/7 lifestyle. It felt right, but still I was unaware that a community like this existed!

Organized kinky! Okay okay no time for jibberjabber. My question is this. When youre in a public place, the supermarket, the gym, the sidewalk, can you spot who is a dom and who is a sub just by looking? Is there certain subtle body languages/gestures they send out? Can you look at someone and say, "that guy is 'screeming submissive'" or "that woman has domme written all over her." ??? Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 11:24:13 AM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
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It has a lot to do with eye contact. I find that Dominants will look you in the eye,where more submissives types glance,then look down.

The only way to know for sure is to strike up a conversation. I can be pretty intimidating intially,but I'm actually a pretty easy going fun type once I warm up to someone.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 11:24:22 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716
When youre in a public place, the supermarket, the gym, the sidewalk, can you spot who is a dom and who is a sub just by looking? Is there certain subtle body languages/gestures they send out? Can you look at someone and say, "that guy is 'screeming submissive'" or "that woman has domme written all over her." ??? Thanks

It's difficult to answer this.

Honestly, yes. But I think that's because I have really good intuition, a load of experience in the scene, and I am very aware of someone's energy. I also have really good gaydar.

However, don't make the mistake of thinking this can be flawless, or that because someone exudes a certain orientation means anything else about them personality wise.

Dominant personality is not the same as dominant orientation. That person telling someone to go get them a drink may well be an owned slave.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 11:39:24 AM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716
Can you look at someone and say, "that guy is 'screeming submissive'" or "that woman has domme written all over her." ??? Thanks

Sure and I do it all the time, but... that is *my* perception of them, whether this turns out to be how they perceive themself is another matter

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 12:07:59 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
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I think there is a kind of BDSM-radar, and while I don't know that I have ever sensed someone was Dom, I certainly have sensed (and been right) that a woman was submissive.

I would say though that BDSM-radar only works for me in interaction - in talking and conversing with someone. I would never look at someone in the produce section and think, "Oh yea - she's a submisive painslut."

Curiously, my gaydar is the worst of anyone I know - it took me seven years to realize my friend M-, who lives with his dad at 45, has a "girlfriend" he takes for a walk once a week, wears a pink speedo while sunbathing (which in in this town is like putting up GAYPRIDE banners in your yard), is one of four gay men who work at the local funeral parlour.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 12:52:59 PM

dechala

Posts: 114
Joined: 2/20/2005
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Actually i've usually been wrong about that when i try to judge by looking.i've seen some tall,strong,masculine ones,that i would swear are dominant but i've been utterly mistaken about.i know some small mousy type women who are extremely dominant.i've known some strong muscular types who are aggresive in thier careers but completely submissive otherwise.But then again i've known some who look just as dominant or submissive as they really are and i had them pegged correctly.But as Faramir said for me it's all about the conversation and the vibe that we have and not so much about how they appear.

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dechala

"As soon we find a motel i'm gonna put my little honeybunny bride on the bed and tie her up.."
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(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 12:55:30 PM

sudja

Posts: 155
Joined: 2/8/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

It has a lot to do with eye contact. I find that Dominants will look you in the eye,where more submissives types glance,then look down.

The only way to know for sure is to strike up a conversation. I can be pretty intimidating intially,but I'm actually a pretty easy going fun type once I warm up to someone.

Hmmmmm.

I wouldn't glance then look down - but if you were watching me interact with my Mistress you would certainly notice where and how I would defer to Her; follow Her lead.

One on one? I doubt you'd ever be able to tell merely by "looking."

sudja

< Message edited by sudja -- 7/12/2005 5:33:30 AM >

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 1:55:25 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

Posture can help, as can other body language, but nothing is fool proof.

It is not even very easy to walk around a BDSM event like Black Rose and spot the tops and bottoms 100% of the time.

So given all of that, I just fall back on my default thinking...everyone is submissive to me. *wink*

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 2:03:55 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I've picked out plenty of people who I was sure are submissive, and every time I've had an opportunity to test my little sixth sense, it turns out I've been right. Many times, of course, it's impossible to know. (For example, I'm sure my secretary is submissive, but I can't ever ask her.) So yes, I think there is a set of signals that subs emit unconsciously, and doms can pick them up--again, unconsciously. I have no idea how it works.

I'm not tuned in to doms or dommes, so I don't ever sense that so-and-so is a dom, but I wouldn't be surprised if subs can and do.

Lam

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 7/11/2005 2:04:20 PM >

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 2:07:10 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

i don't know.
it's kinda iffy. in my vanilla mode, i try not to look at people at all. but if i make eye contact i tend to shy away from people. i am an antisocial sonofa----

but if i have-to look someone in the eyes,.......it tends to be a hostile feeling and i tend to wanna fight. i hate eye contact. it is like a challenge to me. a territorial thing. ever stare your dog in their eyes. if you do it with a straight face it can lead to a dog feeling threatened. "I" get that way.

but hey. it's just the street kid in me. i'll walk over and dare ya ta stand up!

(added after post---- personally i would just as soon as pop someone upside the head if they wanna start staring at me. i hate eye contact.)

take care
the wolf

< Message edited by lonewolf05 -- 7/11/2005 5:08:54 PM >

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(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 2:11:34 PM

MadamMichelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline

I have found that the longer you are in the lifestyle the easier it is to spot.
I think that because there is an awakening of spirituality your sixth sense becomes extremely keen and if you desire a certain type of person, they will manifest themselves at the proper time and place simply because you sent the right vibrations. Leave yourself in a neutral emotional state if you want to be able to read what others are about. It's a wonderful experience! Of course before you begin any type of interaction get youself back into your most comfortable state.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 9:40:02 PM

Youcantmakemeeee

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sudja

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

It has a lot to do with eye contact. I find that Dominants will look you in the eye,where more submissives types glance,then look down.

The only way to know for sure is to strike up a conversation. I can be pretty intimidating intially,but I'm actually a pretty easy going fun type once I warm up to someone.

Hmmmmm.

I wouldn't glance than look down - but if you were watching me interact with my Mistress you would certainly notice where and how I would defer to Her; follow Her lead.

One on one? I doubt you'd ever be able to tell merely by "looking."

sudja

I'm easy to spot. I'm quite shy and will look someone in the eyes but then glance away, not sure if I actually glance down though. All the people in the lifestyle that I know would say they knew without a shadow of a doubt before they ever spoke with me that I was submissive.

I tend to notice other submissives easily even without much communication. Dom/mes, on the other hand, are more difficult for me. I usually require quite a bit of communication with them before I can tell, and sometimes, I get it wrong. I do love it though when I see a man who appears to be shy, quiet, and sweet only to find out later that he's a strict sadistic dom. Oh, how I love that!!!

C.

_____________________________

"Then he said my name, ..., and I understood what gives cats the urge to purr."

(in reply to sudja)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/11/2005 10:52:19 PM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Im with you, youcantmakeme... I absolutely LURVE a man who seems cool and quiet, hiding the manimal within. I think its because those sort of cool collected people are in control of themselves and their feelings, and really, if youre not in control of yourself, can you ever really be in control of someone else?

(in reply to Youcantmakemeeee)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 5:21:12 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

Im with you, youcantmakeme... I absolutely LURVE a man who seems cool and quiet, hiding the manimal within. I think its because those sort of cool collected people are in control of themselves and their feelings, and really, if youre not in control of yourself, can you ever really be in control of someone else?

Depends on what you mean by "in control of themselves"?

I think a person needs to be fairly stable, reasonably secure with good relationship skills in order to be a functional dominant in a relationship.

That doesn't mean they have to have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 6:32:31 AM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

EmeraldSlave2...That doesn't mean they have to have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives.

That goes without saying. Who does have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives?

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 6:35:00 AM

Kindred2Evil

Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline

To the OP, there are some people who flag, which is an indicator of what they are in regards to the lifestyle. Here is a link that helps explain it, hope that helps you out some.

http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/manners/protocol.html#flagging

_____________________________

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(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 6:45:50 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

quote:

EmeraldSlave2...That doesn't mean they have to have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives.
That goes without saying. Who does have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives?

Some people (subs) try and apply it to dominants however. That whole "god status" issue.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 9:09:16 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

It has a lot to do with eye contact. I find that Dominants will look you in the eye,where more submissives types glance,then look down.

While i'm sure this statement is true for some, it's not for all. i'm submissive to my very core, but i was taught to look someone in the eye when they're speaking to me, as a sign of respect and to show that i'm actively listening to them. i taught my sons the same thing, and if someone looks away from me while i'm talking with them, i take it as a sign of boredom or disrespect, neither of which i have much time for these days.

cheers
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 10:08:39 AM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Emeraldslave wrote:

quote:

Some people (subs) try and apply it to dominants however. That whole "god status" issue.

Exactly-more unreasonable "Caste Realm" think.

No one has total control of their lives,it's a fantasy to think so. Nor can they have total control of another individual-that's akin to "becoming" someone else.

I use communication to get to know about compatibility. My biggest thing is doing a "reality check". I know it's pretty much a waste of time to get involved with someone who expects me to make her fabricated fantasy world a reality.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s at a glance - 7/12/2005 10:28:38 AM

Youcantmakemeeee

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

quote:

EmeraldSlave2...That doesn't mean they have to have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives.
That goes without saying. Who does have utter and absolute control over every aspect of their lives?

Some people (subs) try and apply it to dominants however. That whole "god status" issue.

Emerald, I agree with you. I've seen many who thought the dominant, with respect to many things not just self control, should be 'god-like.' My reference to having self control pertained to things such as how they conduct themselves in a scene, amongst other actions when around or dealing with others, submissive or not. A dominant who has a temper should have enough self control as to not let that get away from him/her. A dominant who might like to tell the submissive exactly how he/she envisions a scene to go and then can't control himself/herself to not rush it and skip steps doesn't help maintain trust. I have no problem with dominants doing what they want when they want but it's when they tell you one thing and then do another that I have a problem. Their word, to me, is crucial when I'm placing myself at their mercy while they beat me for pleasure.

With that said, I want to explain that although I say these things, I am well aware that this self control couldn't possibly be maintained 24/7 forever. Dominants are humans just like the rest of us. They will falter in many things, not just self control. I'm speaking more of in general.

I'm not trying to come down on dominants; I love dominants!!!! And submissives should have self control as well. However, with submissives the typical consequence if they don't have self control is punishment by the dominant, not quite the same with dominants.

C.

_____________________________

"Then he said my name, ..., and I understood what gives cats the urge to purr."

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 20

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