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RE: Master's Secret? - 8/30/2007 11:47:12 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

Is it wrong for a Master to keep a secret from his submissive?  Regardless of the secret?


For me, this is dependant upon the relationship, not the secret. Himself is never obligated to tell me anything. There are consequences to this, of course. It may be that I can serve him better by having something kept from me, or it may be that by his keeping something from I can't serve him as well, but that's because of our 'relationship' and not any particular secret.

quote:

Isn't the whole relationship supposed to be built on trust and honesty, openessess and sharing?


If it is for you, then it is and that's all good. You get to decide how you want things to work. :) That said, that's not how things work in 'my' relationship. The core is about power and authority. Who has it, who wields it, and what they do with it all of which fall under the bailiwick of the one who is Master and that's not me. The trust was there before the collar was ever placed and it took damn near two years before that collar was placed so I knew exactly what I was in for and if I fucked up in begging for that collar, I'd have no one to blame but myself.  His honesty, openess and sharing are perks to the relationship and nice to have but not core to it. 'My' honesty, openess and sharing are required by him. He can check up on me, test me, stretch me, put me through the ringer and I knew that going in and except all of it as a possibility. I was cool with that, so for me, it's all good.

quote:

Just a little curious?


Nothing wrong with being curious! Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself how important the elements you listed are to you. Weigh out the pros and cons and see if you have to compromise something which will cost more than you're willing to pay.

Best of luck to you,

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 3:29:00 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I don't consider them secrets.  There are things he chooses to share with me and things he doesn't.  I do not have a "right" to his information.  He has his reasons for what he chooses not to share.  I knew going into this dynamic with him that there would be things he would choose to shelter me from, for my own good and for the good of our relationship.  He tells me what I need to know, when I need to know it.  As of late, he shelters me from very little anymore.  The more I can handle the more he shares and the happier we have become.

On the other hand, I have no secrets from him.  That has never been acceptable and it's not a practice I ever engaged in.  He owns me and with that comes my mind and what's in it :)

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
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RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 5:21:05 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
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quote:

Is it wrong for a Master to keep a secret from his submissive?  Regardless of the secret?
Isn't the whole relationship supposed to be built on trust and honesty, openessess and sharing?
Just a little curious?


I think that depends on the secret.  We all need a little privacy from time to time.  However, if it directly involves you, then maybe he should share.

Tristan

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 1:21:19 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Privacy is one thing, keeping secrets is another. I generally opperate on a 'don't ask' basis if someone seems not to want to discuss or reveal something, UNLESS it is important to me somehow. If I need to know, then I ask, and I make it plain, I need an answer to be comfortable or assured of the matter. Otherwise I chalk it up to the person simply not wanting to privileged me with the information and leave it alone. If they lie about something to hide it from me, I take it as negative, if they simply say "I'd rather not discuss it" then, we don't discuss it.

Secrets no, but I don't see why everyone, D-type or s-type, can't have some privacy in their lives.

(in reply to Tristan)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 4:51:51 PM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		No it should not. He is either a Man of honesty and integrity or he is not. If he feels he must hide it from his slave, then an outsider such as myself would wonder where his leadership comes from. Regardless though, it is not for you to question, unless you beg to speak to him of it, but I feel a slave should always be honest if they feel the dynamic is slipping, because your thoughts belong to him. Beg to speak with him on this, beg to be allowed to be open on this, and then do it appropriately if he allows it.

Orion



quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

ok to clarify, the secret is more of him being involved with another without any discussion, as previously discussed in our dynamic
Is that something that should be secret?



_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 5:37:52 PM   
EternalInferno


Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Whether someone has other partners or not is an important thing to know.  As to where, when, with who etc, might be between the two on how much info is given.  But to be with others without your knowledge and maybe not spoken of when you established the relationship, I would find questionable.  This would then make me question most everything else.  Honesty is major in trust.  If you feel you have been lied to it is hard to trust, whether it be a dominant or a submissive.

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
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RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 6:12:06 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jaymckenas

The core concept of D/s is indeed after all, trust/honesty.


That may be the core concept of your relationship dynamic, but it is hardly the core concept of all D/s. 
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to jaymckenas)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 6:14:51 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I make no bones about the fact that I keep what secrets I want to keep, and do so for any number of reasons.  And I expect her not to keep secrets from me (I consider it lying by omission).  Fairness has no place in my relationship dynamic.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 6:24:59 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		This is one of those loaded questions which begs knowing the detauils behind the desire to ask.  I don't really think in terms of secrets.  We have agreements.  We live by them.  We don't tell each other everything.  We aren't interested.  We are clear about what we both DO want to know.   On the other hand I can see someone keeping a secret if he is clear his partner cannot handle the truth.  I try really hard to be someone who can handle the truth.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Master's Secret? - 8/31/2007 11:49:55 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		I keep all sorts of things secret from my girls. But they are expected to keep no secrets from me.

Or to be more precise, I'm the one who decides what both of us need to know about the other. I feel comfortable saying something is none of her business, but she knows that if I ask her something, I've decided I want to know the honest answer, even if I don't like it.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 12:06:39 AM   
callistaIn


Posts: 62
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

Is it wrong for a Master to keep a secret from his submissive?  Regardless of the secret?
Isn't the whole relationship supposed to be built on trust and honesty, openessess and sharing?
Just a little curious?

I am going to go against the grain here and say that if the Master/Mistress/Dominant wants to keep a secret, it is well within their right to do so. Regardless of what the secret is.
Personally, I am not so insecure that I NEED to know everything that he/she is thinking; while at the same time I understand that it is important that they know everything that I am thinking ( and before anyone goes off because of the 'insecure' word, this is only the way that I think and feel ). I also believe that secrets are sometimes kept for a very good reason. That reason does not need to be explained to me; nor is it my place to demand/ask that they tell me. It is simply another decision that they make for the better of the relationship; and if I respect them enough to be in a relationship with them, I respect their decision to keep things from me.

It has nothing to do with being honest or dishonest. It has to do with accepting and understanding that they are doing what they think is best.

callie

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 12:10:23 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		She has added that the secret was his seeing another girl behind her back. Changes it a bit I think.

< Message edited by Estring -- 9/1/2007 12:11:22 AM >

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

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RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 12:14:07 AM   
callistaIn


Posts: 62
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

She has added that the secret was his seeing another girl behind her back. Changes it a bit I think.

LMAO...ok, that will teach me to read the whole thread

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 1:10:16 AM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: callistaIn
LMAO...ok, that will teach me to read the whole thread


Yeah, yeah, you were just rushing to agree with me.

But I don't think the question of secrets is the issue. If what he was doing was cheating on you, then the issue isn't really secrecy, it's infidelity. He's just keeping it secret so he doesn't get in trouble, not because he's decided you don't need/want to know.

But I do consider the possibility that you believed you were in an exclusive relationship, while he did not believe it was yet at that stage. Wouldn't be the first time simple differing expectations have made people feel they were lied to.

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 1:16:56 AM   
EternalInferno


Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Differing expectations... okay... darn it!  Now I have to go back and read the thread again!

I hate to think I dumped that cheater over differing expectations! 

(in reply to obis)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 1:20:42 AM   
EternalInferno


Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

ok to clarify, the secret is more of him being involved with another without any discussion, as previously discussed in our dynamic
Is that something that should be secret?



Okay... sounds like something was supposed and implied at least by a conversation on the topic. 

Whew, so glad... I didn't want to have to say sorry to the one who implied I was the only one... lol

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 1:24:45 AM   
callistaIn


Posts: 62
Status: offline
quote:

Yeah, yeah, you were just rushing to agree with me.

Well darn, and here I thought I was being subtle


(in reply to obis)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/1/2007 3:35:08 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		As an observation...

We know next to nothing of the actual circumstances.  We're told first, that there's a secret that wasn't told (any secret, it doesn't matter.)  And we say, yes, the Master can keep whatever secret he likes.  Then we're told it's another woman, which wasn't discussed prior.  Complete 180.

I don't think keeping another slave a 'secret' is exactly a problem.  I think the issue would be one of integrity, sure; if I expected to own three slaves who aren't to interact, I could simply say "girl!  You're not the only slave.  Get over it."  She can then choose to exit stage left, or get over it.  That the issue wasn't discussed (as the girl in question mentioned) could mean he lied...but it could also mean just that; it wasn't discussed.  I firmly believe that in Master/slave relationships, all bets are off.  A slave should go into it expecting to be just that; property.  That other feelings, emotions, desires, expectations may exist; sure, I wouldn't want an automatron slave.  But if not significant communication has taken place before hand, I consider the burden to be on the slave's shoulders (though I can certainly fault the owner for being irresponsible.)

I think the real fault rests where there is a lack of communication initially.  One of the first questions I'll ask a potential slave is 'how do you feel about polyamory.'  The answer, either way, won't make or break the relationship; it just gives me an idea of what her expectations, as a slave are.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to callistaIn)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/2/2007 9:32:49 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

Is it wrong for a Master to keep a secret from his submissive?  Regardless of the secret?
Isn't the whole relationship supposed to be built on trust and honesty, openessess and sharing?
Just a little curious?


Whether or not it's wrong really depends on the relationship, and/or the secret.

However.  "The whole relationship", for many people in d/s, is about authority (or "power" if you prefer, or "control").  Whether or not trust/honesty/openness/sharing is a part of that authority depends on the people in it.


(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Master's Secret? - 9/2/2007 9:34:25 AM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

ok to clarify, the secret is more of him being involved with another without any discussion, as previously discussed in our dynamic
Is that something that should be secret?



It depends on what you agreed to in the beginning.

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 40
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