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RE: Indecisiveness - 8/31/2007 7:03:17 PM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Fangs, LA, SmoGun and others,

Thank you for your responses. It is informative to hear dominants talking about their vulnerabilities. I'd be grateful to hear about what LA termed "catalysts" - who you count on to help you out of your funk (can someone submissive to you do it?) and how exactly they go about helping without veering into dominant?

With appreciation for this and all the insight you provide on these boards,

Liana

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/3/2007 5:35:43 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

Mstrjx,

Last time I hung around here I don't think you were partnered. Congratulations on finding your other!

And thank you for sharing your experience. If I may enquire further - when you were going through that rough patch, what did your submissive do that most helped you - organize/galvanize you, or just listen passively?

Thank you for your insight,

Liana


Liana, thank you for your sentiments.

Specifically, I think what helped the most (although I might not have recognized it at the time) was that she kept reminding me that I needn't put myself on a specific timetable.  In other words, not to panic.  In the back of my mind, I kept track of my responsibilities and allowed for the fact that they (the responsibilites) would drive me, rather than our relationship.  She allowed me to keep my perspective that I have someone in my midst who I can count on regardless of need.  That is one thing I have not had in previous relationships.

It is oftentimes the thing we don't think we need that we have the opportunity to appreciate the most.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/3/2007 5:59:26 PM   
goalie62


Posts: 114
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		If you are a human being, you have times like these and you deal with them the best that you can.  If you have a very strong and loving sub, she can be your rock of support.  If the issue is related to something in which she has talent, I would ask her help on it to make a decision.  All humans have indecisive moments, it's how you recover from them that really matters.

_____________________________

God, you have no idea how badly I want to put something profound here.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/3/2007 6:50:26 PM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		When my wife died, I really didn't have the luxury to fall to pieces as I still had my son who needed me.

Then my son died, and I really didn't want to go on any further.

just stay in bed, pull the sheets over, and wait.

But the dogs wouldn't leave me be.

The cats wouldn't leave me be.

My bladder wouldn't leave me be.

And for one silly reason after another, I forced myself out of bed to care for them.

Didn't eat much. No appetite.

Really didn't want to go on.

But by the end of the month, with the help of dogs and cats and family and friends, I found myself hungry again, even a little hopeful again.

I realized there was more for me to do, I was not the one to have died.

I've found that each day brings with it more hope, more strength, more of a need to help others.

If anything, I'd say it was the master in me that just wouldn't lie down and die, no matter how much I was hurting.

I was lucky, because you read about those couples where one dies and the other follows in a short span of time. The second one just gave up all hope of ever being happy again.

I didn't. It just took me a while to realize it.


_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/3/2007 7:28:33 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not certain that having times of indecisiveness is not something dominant people are prone to from time to time.  They are human as well as any of us.  The inability to make a decision hinges on more than one's orientation. 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 4:43:13 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: realtuffdom

In my opinion, indecisiveness comes from having difficulty making a decision.


are you sure about that??
 
that was deep...............no, seriously.....seriously deep......really really deep.......not just kinda deep.......really deeeeep...
 
 
 

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to realtuffdom)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 5:48:36 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Sometimes, it is far too early to take a wait and see attitude.  If you sit on a fence long enough, you will see yourself going by.

The Laughing Buddha

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 7:59:17 AM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

I'm asking about a Dom I know who seems kind of lost now. As a former sub to him, I feel awfully pushy trying to help him get past his fog. I'm torn between honoring the D/s dynamic, which for us was sub-passive, vs. really pushing him to get better as I would a friend. Does that make sense?
I guess I'm looking to doms on here to say if that were ever a situation they could imagine themselves in, and if so what they'd prefer from the submissive types in their life.
Liana


Hello :-)    Though I am not a mistress/master - I think I can offer some insight.

You were his former sub and I do understand that a dynamic set can appear quite fixed.
But, even if you and he were still at that place and time - your caring as a friend isn't that contradictory, is it?

So, you are his friend - why not act like a friend? You seem very sweet, if I may say - and you wouldn't be pushy or
insist he do things your way, right?  Likely this man is as hard as they come and can handle some gentle support.

BTW - I well know this is easier said than done. Believe me ... 

Best of everything to you,
leatherette


(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 8:25:49 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		I don't have trouble making decisions anymore, I just admit now that my decisions are usually not the wisest and that only One person seems to be able to provide me with the strength to make them, ones that are good for me.  I do not think it is anyway wrong to depend on one to guide your decision making, or make them for you, when necessary, so admitting that, is the first step to me.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 8:26:19 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Sighs......if people would learn to just put the person before the expectations of roles-we would all be much happier. There is more respect in caring and acceptance, than ritual and structure.

(in reply to leatherette)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 8:28:56 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		I agree.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/4/2007 8:41:22 AM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline 		Yeah... I agree too.

Thats why I told that nice girl to be a friend - in whatever dynamic shit is labeled.


(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/9/2007 11:09:04 PM   
sec2dom


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I had a friend whose Dom thought he was dying of cancer - lost all his decisiveness and ignored her - so subbie she got real bored, went on to the internet, cybered with Dom's until she felt it threatened her real relationship, - ended up friending vanilla's and playing more extensively with them (cuz they take longer to threaten her relationship with Master) and then once Master realized he wasn't dying, he came back and Dom'd the hell ouf of her and she dropped all her internet playthings. ---- she BTW did not know why he was ignoring her and indecisive and it annoyed the hell out of her.

It isn't really a direct answer, except maybe advice that if you are feeling indecisive, make sure you mind your relationship and responsibility to your subbie/slave. If it is more than a 2-3 day thing you might want to share your stressors/indecision with your other, because some of them can get really insecure and act out a lot if not kept involved - or at least kept busy :) 

I think both Master/collared would have been a lot happier if he had been able to say, I'm really distressed and indecisive because I might be dying - draw up plans for my crypt (a scale model of the Taj Mahal) so I can be buried witrh dignity?     

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/10/2007 12:33:45 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom
Have you ever gone through periods of time when you were unsure of yourself in aspects of daily life, and this made you indecisive? If so, what did you/do you do to break through the inertia? Also, did your desire to dom in your relationships wane or increase during this time?

My definition of self calls for me to continually question everything I can, to include myself.  I couldn't respect anyone who doesn't as more than a cognatively-deficient animal.

When I begin to find my mannerisms for dealing with the world to be inadequate, it follows that I would cease allowing such decisions to make an impact when avoidable, such as withdrawing authority.

To break the problem?  Thinking.  Figuring one's self out, finding where one's mannerisms are still appliciable to desirable effect.  Avoiding decisions which seem likely to yield poor results until I'm ready to deal with the consquence of such (which would be having to rework my perception).

Good luck to your Dom.  I'd advise him to look for what he knows, what he's sure about, and then to work out from there.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Indecisiveness - 9/12/2007 11:12:09 AM   
SirCache


Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline 		I think everyone reaches a point where they legitimately do not know the answer, or they are at a loss what to do next.  Just because I am Master to my sub does not mean that I know everything.  It means that it's my responsibility to take in all the information, to consult and talk to the people involved, to identify the core issues, and then be responsible for making the final decision.  I can be indicisive, I can pause, and I can even plain not know what to do next.

It is my responsibility to ensure the safety of those I care for; trying to pretend I am some God that knows all is just begging for a bad accident somewhere along the line.  Part of the nature of BDSM for me is that I am the one that takes the responsibility at that level.  That also means confessing when I screw up--because I've done that too.  Mistakes are forgiven, that's the nature of relationships if the person was honest and did everything any rational person would have done in their place.  My sub would much rather prefer that I think about a problem and mull it over rather than make a rash decision without bothering to think about it.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 35
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