Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (Full Version)

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lilgurrl -> Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 1:36:39 PM)

Please forgive me if I seen naive as I am new to the lifestyle, but I am respectfully requesting advice.
A few months ago, seeking training, I met a Dom online.  That relationship quickly developed to phone chat and, though we live about 2 hours apart, eventual real-time meetings.
His profile said he was seeking a no-limits slave or a lil girl for instruction.  Since I was new to the scene, he was very sensitive to my limits but explained to me that he is only a Master to a true slave who gives herself completely to him. For various reasons(work, family, distance), I feel as though I cannot enter into a 24/7 relationship at this time, so he agreed to train me in a submissive relationship.  I was to call him Sir, not Master as he did not own me.
For about a week of phone and online chat, we were in the Sir/slut mode, and then we mutually decided to be Daddy/lil girl.  We have been so ever since.  It is wonderful, caring, and safe relationship. We speak several times daily and meet real-time whenever possible.  He now tells me that I belong to him and talks frequently about our relationship in future tense. In addition, we have developed a friendship level where we sometimes do not even discuss the lifestyle.  I love my Daddy very much and am truly happy to belong to him.  I have many insecurities about being new to the lifestyle and not knowing how to please my Daddy, but he always assures me that I am serving him well.
Recently, I discovered that my Daddy was chatting online (not snooping, just ended up in the same place at the same time) with subs in a Master role.  I was upset and through a series of tense discussions, Daddy assured me that I was his only lil girl/sub and that he was merely discussing the lifestyle with other subs to gain greater knowledge of the lifestyle.  It is not my place to question Daddy, but the chat topics were sexual in nature ad he entered into private chat with at least one sub.  I have also noticed that he had been chatting more frequently and our playtime had diminished.
My questions are, is it possible that my Daddy wants to do things with a sub/slave that he cannot or does not want to do with his lil girl?  Is it possible for a DaddyDom to be a Master as well?  Is this simply doomed or is this something I can work though with him without seeming disrespectful?
Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you.




goalie62 -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 1:45:01 PM)

If he were truly as commited as he says he is, he would have no need to chat with others, when I am in a relationship, I talk online only with the one that chooses me to be her master or her sir as I feel that is a very special thing.  If your first instinct is not full trust and love, I would have to advise you to walk away and find someone that shows you full respect and love.



Satyr6406 -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 1:49:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

If he were truly as commited as he says he is, he would have no need to chat with others,


Not everyone is monogamous.
 
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
 
Michael



goalie62 -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 2:11:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Satyr6406

quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

If he were truly as commited as he says he is, he would have no need to chat with others,


Not everyone is monogamous.
 
 
 
 
 
Peace and comfort,
 
 
 
 
 
Michael


You are correct, I should have thought of that.  I do tend to be monogamous so my comments are colored by that. 



lilgurrl -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 2:28:48 PM)

Yes, Sirs.  Thank you, Sirs.   i have taken that into account.  When we have discussed the matter, Daddy has told me that he would simply like to bring other subs in to play from time to time, but that i am his main focus and i would not happen until I am comfortable.  It is an aspect i am curious about and have told him so.  i  admit this is a subject that we have not approached full on, but Daddy is aware of my feelings.  Is there a proper way to broach the subject?  Thank you again, Sirs.



velvetears -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 3:22:24 PM)

There is no "proper way" just bring it up.  The longer you wait the harder it is going to be if and when he brings someone into the relationship and you are not comfortable with it.  Do you want monogomy?  Doesn't appear to be he does.  Can you handle poly?  These are important things to consider.  You are entitled to get from the relationship what you WANT and NEED.  If he cannot provide it, maybe another will.  If you settle for less than what you truly want and desire you will not be happy and eventually it will erode the relationship.



mstrjx -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 5:57:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgurrl

Is it possible for a DaddyDom to be a Master as well? 



I am, to the same person.  Primarily her needs are for a Daddy, although at times a Master is what is called for.  These seem to coexist compatibly.  At some point, although we haven't had the time to explore it as of yet, she wants to explore her 'pet' side as well, and the dynamic will be a little different again.

Jeff



arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 6:20:08 PM)

The titles are not your issue.  Don't get caught up in them.  you have things you want to say but don't have agreements in your relationship about how to raise such things.  That needs to change.   He seems to want others.  You are not sure what you think.  you need to talk about that.  Many things are possible.  you have to know yourself and what works for you and what you want and what you don't want.  And what you might be willing to try up to a point.  Etc. 

Just because some aspects of this are new doesn't mean your relationship skills developed in other aspects of your life don't work.  It doesn't serve you to think that you don't know cause you are new.  The things that are bothering you, you do know about.  Honor your head.  And you heart.

Can you work through this?  If you both have the skills to do so yes.  If you both want to yes.  If you can find enough commonality yes.  One last thing.  You're asking us in part do we think he is being honest with you.  We can't answer that.  What I have done in my relationship is try really hard to be someone who can handle anything.   To do what I can to encourage him to be truthful.

The challenge of walking into these training things is that they almost always seem to morph into something else.  But with two people who knew to begin that they were not compatible.   Without that compatibility it will probably not work.




sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (8/31/2007 6:24:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgurrl

Recently, I discovered that my Daddy was chatting online (not snooping, just ended up in the same place at the same time) with subs in a Master role.  I was upset and through a series of tense discussions, Daddy assured me that I was his only lil girl/sub and that he was merely discussing the lifestyle with other subs to gain greater knowledge of the lifestyle.  It is not my place to question Daddy, but the chat topics were sexual in nature ad he entered into private chat with at least one sub.  I have also noticed that he had been chatting more frequently and our playtime had diminished.




Master has lots of friends in the lifestyle and talks with them. I have friends also and talk with them. If you want to know something ask. Your assuming things you don't know.  It seems this is primarily and online thing, unfortunately some think of the computer as entertainment and don't consider others feelings. Best thing is to ask him what the deal is instead of assuming things you don't know for sure.



enigmaorion -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 3:18:21 PM)

quote:

I have also noticed that he had been chatting more frequently and our playtime had diminished.

To be honest, this is the only thing that truly troubles.  For one, it's often a sign of things-aren't-great, and for another, it's also one that's easily misinterpreted.  You should voice this concern, if you haven't, but try as hard as you can not to be confrontational. Don't expect him to agree or disagree. Just make it so that both of you are aware of that concern, and you each can examine your own patterns, to see if a) playtime -has- diminished, and b) why.





kossack -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 3:30:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

If he were truly as commited as he says he is, he would have no need to chat with others, when I am in a relationship, I talk online only with the one that chooses me to be her master or her sir as I feel that is a very special thing.  If your first instinct is not full trust and love, I would have to advise you to walk away and find someone that shows you full respect and love.

I have to disagree here.  I think we have this expectation for relationships in this country that is impossible--of course people will continue to communicate with others even when they have their soulmate.

I've have never cheated, never put myself in positions where I might cheat, and yet there are people I chat with during those 'dark night of the soul's that everyone goes through now and again.  There is one poster here who talked with me on the phone for several hours about 6 months ago, and that phone call probably bought another 3 months to a troubled relationship.  Now, we weren't talking about body parts and verbs that go with those body parts.  We were talking about my angst--is this normal?  Is this something to expect in relationship of this kind?  I love him, but I'm not getting my needs met--if I ignore that for a few months, will I learn to live with it?  Are we just too mismatched?  But the fact that it was a Dominant Man, that I really respected from the boards, meant it was a great gift to me to have that insight.

Chatting on-line doesn't mean anything.  It is the nature of the chat and how it is treated.  For example, I told my ex (and I'm a sub) that I would be on the message boards here (I posted under a name he gave me when we were together) and I asked him to not check up on me because I wanted a place to freely air my doubts.  Our communication was excellent; he knew I'd bring difficulties to him when I was clear as to what I needed, he actually appreciated that I had a place to work through some of my beginner's angst.   And I have to tell you that when I get involved with another man, it will be a while before I'll mention that I post here--I won't lie, but I will protect this because a little too much of my soul is on display here.

Now, the fact that he was doing it behind her back, and it was sexual, seems, to me, to have some real trust issues.  But the idea that chatting with opposite-sex strangers, in and of itself, is verboten seems highly problematic to me.



Babybass -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 5:32:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilgurrl

Is it possible for a DaddyDom to be a Master as well? 



I am, to the same person.  Primarily her needs are for a Daddy, although at times a Master is what is called for.  These seem to coexist compatibly.  At some point, although we haven't had the time to explore it as of yet, she wants to explore her 'pet' side as well, and the dynamic will be a little different again.

Jeff


I agree - you can get too caught up in titles. Sometimes I need a Daddy and sometimes a Master - sometimes he needs a lil girl and sometimes a sub/slave. We are both to each other and we do not get caught up in titles!
If he wants you to be his lil girl and another to be his sub then you need to have decided that before it begins - you are entitled to expect monogamy unless you have agreed otherwise.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 7:35:30 PM)

lilgurl,

You might not want to read this message as you will NOT like what it contains...



Okay, you are forewarned.  He has no idea what the fuck he is doing and is going to break your heart.  He is playing the classic "make it up as I go along" and instead of facing up to that fact, tries to justify with bullshit.  Everything you say in your post screams red flags to me about BOTH of you although you seem to be more level headed than he is.

Frankly, MANY of us started out in the same place, whether dominant or submissive, or whatever other label you want.   Some of grew and matured, others as the boards have recently proved, haven't.  The question is what next

quote:

  It is not my place to question Daddy, but the chat topics were sexual in nature ad he entered into private chat with at least one sub.  I have also noticed that he had been chatting more frequently and our playtime had diminished.


This is classic, this happens CONSTANTLY.  The guy is lost in fantasy and believes the 18 year old hottie he is talking with is really an 18 year old hottie rather than a 44 year old bald male transvestite with saggy tits.  She thinks he is amazing, YOU are starting to question the wizard of oz and he doesn't like his fantasy punctured with reality.  This is all new to you but trust me, we get a post like this about 4-6 times a month saying exactly what you just did and asking what it means.

quote:

  
My questions are, is it possible that my Daddy wants to do things with a sub/slave that he cannot or does not want to do with his lil girl?  Is it possible for a DaddyDom to be a Master as well? 


All things are possible, the question is it likely?  When someone says "when I wear this plastic badge I get to fuck jill and janet, but when I wear this other plastic badge and my green hat, I will only fuck you" you have to decide if you can live with that bullshit.  There ARE legitimate people who play different roles with different people but I would bet my left nut that he isn't legitimate.

quote:

  Is this simply doomed or is this something I can work though with him without seeming disrespectful?


You can't change him.  He CAN change if he wants to bad enough.  There is rarely need to be disrespectful and civil discussion about real issues isn't disrespectful and if he says it is, can you live with that?  If he decides to try bdsm in real life, meaning get off the PC and focus on creating a living breathing 3d relationship with you, then yes there is a real chance.  My bet is he isn't up to it, isn't really interested in doing it, and it isn't likely to happen.

My advice is to be nice, ask to talk to him, talk about where things are going, not words but ACTIONS, like "we will have dinner every Friday" and "spend three nights a week together" or whatever so t hat there are measurable goals.  Regardless of how you proceed, do yourself a favor and buy a copy of Midori's The Wild Side of Sex which despite the title is a fantastic book on BDSM and D/s.  There are other books, anything written by Dossie Easton is worth reading, especially The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. 



RaynaSub -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 8:59:58 PM)

I agree with all the others that have said it is not the title.
It is the relationship.   His behavior has nothing to do with
what he calls himself.  If you are not happy with his behavior,
he is not the Master for you.



johnxinxscruz -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 9:37:56 PM)


As others have pointed out, there's nothing incompatible about "Master" and "Daddy". The problem here seems to be something else. I wont say it's cheating, as every relationship has changes in frequency of play ... and maybe it's just that. But you do need to talk to him and find out what's going on and decide if that's the relationship you want, or not.



twistedkytten -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 9:50:04 PM)

Here again as many have already pointed out... titles have become stumbling blocks... it can be ANYTHING you and yours want it to be the only limits are the ones placed there by involved parties.. ANYTHING ! imagine the possibilities... I am a foot stool.. then a treasured pet at His feet content to puuuur away.. oh but wait... then my flesh becomes a canvas for His art, first He makes it many different shades of red... (later to be purple *g*) then... maybe crimson trickles from here or there ... and there too.. who knows... His creativity is boundless... but never has He been Daddy.. only cause I don't wear diapers! lol



missbehaeven -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/1/2007 11:13:18 PM)

~smiles~
Hello lilgurrl,
 
I agree with what the other posters have written.
Your dom may be struggling with identifying his role as much as you are your's, and as another put much better, be making up the rules as he goes along.
I'm also concerned because of your admitted newness and naivete that he might be being purposely disingenuous in trying to keep these interractions with other subs from you.
To me a serious red flag for any relationship is raised when one partner begins to spend more time online than in r/t interractions.
I'd have a straightforward conversation with him about what he is trying to establish with these online exchanges and pointedly and specifically bring up that your time together has declined.
If he's not willing to discuss with you what has clearly been a change in your relationship, you'll need to decide if you can live with things the way they are, and the fact that things might change yet again.
Each time you accept a change to your relationship without it being discussed and agreed upon, it will make it easier for your dom to do so.
Myself, I hate uncertainty.
I need structure and routine and knowing what to expect, or else I get snappy, irritable, and neurotic.
 
I wish you well, and hope you re-discover the happiness you once shared...miss
 



ImpGrrl -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/2/2007 8:58:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

If he were truly as commited as he says he is, he would have no need to chat with others, when I am in a relationship, I talk online only with the one that chooses me to be her master or her sir as I feel that is a very special thing.  If your first instinct is not full trust and love, I would have to advise you to walk away and find someone that shows you full respect and love.


On the good side, not everyone is monogamous.

And, on the not-so-good side, not every nonmonogamous person is honest about it.

I think the key isn't thinking about his commitment to her, but which of the above he is.



came4U -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/2/2007 9:07:56 AM)

If he were a mere 'trainer' beforehand, he should have been honest that his interest is eventual poly with you or without you in the future.

He only mentions poly now because he got caught on the computer?

Me? I'd be long gone, what good is a mentor/trainer that is decietful? Now that you are somewhat 'trained', I would, IMO, tell him 'thanks for the lessons in bullshit' and move on to greener pastures.

He thought he could have his cake and eat it too.  Sounds like he is immature, on a power-trip and in disbelief that he even got one girl to want him.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Advice on Master vs. DaddyDom (9/2/2007 9:43:17 AM)

If the guy says he is a "trainer" run like hell...



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