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Desperately needing advise - 7/11/2005 8:12:45 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. Due to work my husband/Dom has to be gone all week long for the next several months.He comes home for the weekend. We've had a rocky start into the lifestyle ( he was reluctant) but FINALLY got things working well. Now this. I know how to run the house I've been doing it for years,but I don't know how to keep his intrest in the lifestyle when he's only here for the weekends. I want to show him I really am committed to this. However being in a position of control all week,I tend to continue when he's home.

He never reprimands me for it, but personally I need to know what might help me remain in a submissive state of mind,and remind him of all of the wonderful things about the lifestyle.

Thank you for helping.

< Message edited by BlouLady -- 7/11/2005 8:13:13 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/11/2005 8:41:59 PM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		I hate to sound discouraging, but it's not usually very fruitful to force these things.

quote:

He never reprimands me for it, but personally I need to know what might help me remain in a submissive state of mind,and remind him of all of the wonderful things about the lifestyle.


It's his presence that ought to put you in a submissive state of mind. Doesn't it? If not, why not? Many of the signals of dominance and submission that pass between you do so outside your awareness. It's a self-reinforcing loop between you. Generally, it's there, or it isn't. It's akin to what people call "chemistry". There are some things that you can to to try to kick-start it (protocol can help), but in the final analysis, he has to be a man that evokes submissive feelings in you, and you a woman that evokes in him the desire to assert dominance.


_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/11/2005 8:47:26 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		He very much invokes those feelings. The chemistry is there as well.As I said we've had a rough beginning but now we both enjoy it.The problem is more for me then him I suppose,I REALLY want to feel that way always,and with him gone so much it's difficult. I love him so much and would do ANYTHING for him and I know he loves me. Because I want desperately to please him I want to be able to immediatly be in that role for him when he comes home. I just wonder if theres anyway to hold on to it while he's gone so the transition isn't so hard when he comes back.

edited for typo

< Message edited by BlouLady -- 7/11/2005 8:48:10 PM >

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 2:12:22 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Seen a few of these threads lately - the not so dominant Dom....

D/s and M/s relationships work through a dynamic. You each invoke and enable the Dom/sub needs of the other for mutual benefit. Therefore, Leonidas is absolutely correct when he says it ought to be your Dom who invokes your submissive state of mind. And if your're a compatible match as Dom and sub, it's the submissive you who should equally invoke and enable the dominant state of his mind.

What's lacking is a free-flowing Dom/sub dynamic between you. For me, the relevant clue as to why it's not happening is your 4th sentence in the OP:
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

We've had a rocky start into the lifestyle ( he was reluctant) but FINALLY got things working well.

"Reluctant" suggests to me that he's come into this to please you moreso than any independent Dom need of his own. A week for any owned sub being in charge usually guarantees her Dom is equally in need of taking back control on returning home. That he doesn't only means one thing - that he *isn't* a Dom. Remaining in your "submissive state of mind" can't be achieved without the Dominant half of the dynamic present.

We all get tired or have "down time" occasionally but a week without my girl to dominate would have me champing at the bit to push her to her knees! But that's me - I'm a Dom.... Maybe things will improve when his work commitments are over but, really, the long breaks should make the Dominant him more enthusiastic to take charge of you, not less!

Okham's Razor: "All things being equal, the simplest and most obvious explanation will be the solution".

Focus50.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 3:41:07 AM   
Draciron


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline 		"reluctant" Was a huge red flag in what you said. BDSM is the involvement of the mind, body and spirit. Not everybody is cut out for it. The mind is where it starts. The body a vessel for the spirit to enact a meeting of souls and to entwine those souls if even for a brief moment. To live the lifestyle is to crave taking that spark and making a raging bonfire from that spark that warms the heart and sets the senses ablaze.

He must have some Dom traits or he would likely repell you so there is potential. To see if such a spark is there to kindle that flame you crave may be only a matter of perspective. Men in Western nations are raised on chivalry. A good set of codes (gawd I can smell the torches lighting on that comment LOL). Frequently chivalry is taken beyond it's intended meaning. As such BDSM represents harm to them. That is repusive in thier minds. Why would they wish to harm something so fair and gentle (muhahaha, uh oops, let me get back on topic). So the primary hurdle is an understanding that you are not only not being harmed, but that flogging you is actually to help you grow. That control over you is nurishment for your soul. It is potentially all a matter of perception. Once past that perception of harm, an appeal to his naughty side will find more fertile ground I suspect. From there if control over you induces feelings such as lust you are on your way.

There is a saying that Dom's are born. It has much truth in it. If you can get past the perception of harm and it still does not appeal to him then you are in for frustration and potentially undeserved self recrimination. If the spark is not in him to start with it cannot be fanned to continue the analogy. There is nothing wrong with you. It is in him that the lack lay.

I'd suggest getting a copy of "screw the roses give me the thorns" It is well written and will present BDSM in a light hearted way excellent for the curious and novice. You can find it on Amazon.com and many local toy stores may stock it as well. Sitting down with this book after you get past the "harming" concept may an experience that you fondly remember many many years from now.

Of course I have keyed in on the perception of harm. Not knowing him or you I may be way off base. Just making an educated guess.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. Due to work my husband/Dom has to be gone all week long for the next several months.He comes home for the weekend. We've had a rocky start into the lifestyle ( he was reluctant) but FINALLY got things working well. Now this. I know how to run the house I've been doing it for years,but I don't know how to keep his intrest in the lifestyle when he's only here for the weekends. I want to show him I really am committed to this. However being in a position of control all week,I tend to continue when he's home.

He never reprimands me for it, but personally I need to know what might help me remain in a submissive state of mind,and remind him of all of the wonderful things about the lifestyle.

Thank you for helping.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 5:27:17 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I think you WANT him to be a good dom for you so badly that you aren't able to simply accept who he is in this form of dominance. You're repeating the same issues you had a few months ago, sans the other woman living in the house.

Remember? He wasn't raping you that much, he wasn't seducing you anymore, he wasn't exhibiting that fire.

Maybe you just have two levels of libido? Maybe he's just not on the dominant level as you are submissive? Maybe you have ideals of energy on his side that just aren't realistic?

I go back to what I said a few months ago- get some relationship counseling to help you guys on your communication skills and understanding.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 6:41:06 AM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		It is something we definately have to work on. When we finally get back into the roles it's REALLY great. EM I know you think it's the same problem but it's not.We've been closer then ever,and the dynamics are there. I KNOW he's reluctant to assert his dominance with me and I try not to push him. I have heard it said the Doms are born,and if you knew him you'd know he is one who just hasn't gotten over that whole chivlery thing. He's very Dominering with everyone and every thing else,assertive and athoritive (sp?). But because he loves me so much it's hard for him to digest that it REALLY is ok to do this with me. It's not that he doesn't want to or that he doesn't know how,it's just a matter of how he was raised. So I'm NOT complaining that I'm not getting it enough (see the difference EM?) I just want to make it easier for him ,Letting him know that it's still ok,as a matter of fact it's wonderful,and I want it. The idea turns him on,but his back round has ground in that it's wrong for a man to hit a woman,and to tell her what to do. We ARE getting beyond that, Again I just wanted to make it easier.

MAybe I'm phrasing the question wrong. I need to stress I'm NOT frustrated with the way things are going,I'm happy with who I'm with ,and I don't want that to change. I JUST want ideas to help me let him know that it's ok.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 7:37:19 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello There,
One way to look at it would be to have your Master/Husband leave the cleanliness and work of house to you as one of your jobs you do for him to free up his time. You could prove your servitude by doing a good job at it. At the same time allow him knowledge of any major changes or plans for the home and of course full veto power. Being a sub does not mean you can't vacuum, cook, clean and buy groceries without him making the selections or times to do it. I think to take care of your Master and your home is a submissive trait. If you both sit down and discuss your expectations and limits you should be able to work it out.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 11:23:25 AM   
JerryInTampa


Posts: 138
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline 		Mark his arrival with an overtly submissive act. My girl greets me at the door on her knees. It's intended to set a tone.

The more involved, the more functional. Will he arrive hungry? Eat yoruself then make a meal just for him. Sit him and serve him and wait kneeling at his side (or a bit away if he the presence is off-putting while he eats) and play slave-waaitress. Then put away the dishes and offer sexual / massage / BDSM favors.

Adapt to your and his interests.

(in reply to plantlady64)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 5:39:04 PM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Plantlady,and Jerry,

Thank you for some useful advise.That was the sort of thing I was looking for. It was a pleasure reading everyones response---LAdy

(in reply to plantlady64)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/12/2005 9:06:21 PM   
Smtreker


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline 		Another great way to keep the dynamics going is while he is out of town have him give you certain projects by email or have dirty online chats. Have a cyber relationship as well as a real one. When he arrive home greet, seat him in his favorite chair, bring him his favorite beverage, ask him for permission to remove his shoes and massage his feet. Massage his back and neck to relieve the turn the lights down low and maybe even turn on some soft music. Then stand or knee next to him and wait for further instructions. How you are dress or what is to be done can be given to you through your email or chat.

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/13/2005 1:36:29 AM   
Draciron


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline 		Ok.. So my assessment was correct as to why he is reluctant. Next step is solution.

The problem is now a matter of presentation. "screw the roses give me the thorns" is again highly recomended as it presents things in a way that I think he will find comfortable. The key thing is to normalize what is already present. Make him comfortable with who he is who you are. I suspect that covert submissive acts will only encourage avoidance. You want the opposite, you want him involved. Fan those fires. Comaradre I think would help. Knowing another Dom and seeing we are not diabolical, well ok not despicable creatures LOL.. Hearing a Dom's viewpoint of BDSM. Somebody who's viewpoint he'd respect. Even if the subject of BDSM is never broached, undertsanding that what we do and crave is not only not wrong, it is THE most powerfull connection between human beings that I know of. That angle in itself might pique his curiostiy. You can't push him into it, he'll instinctively withdraw from such. Instead you have to use your wiles.

Fantasies that bring him progressively into dominent posisitions might be another good step. From the schoolgirl being punished by the dean/principle (spanking or other light BDSM) to a slave girl dancing for her owner to say an inquisition type fantasy involving flogging and heavier stuff. After each little notes telling him how much you enjoyed it and how you want to go father into it.

Rather than let him slip out of it, next day do a little phone thing and be sure to address him as Sir or Master. To help yourself while he is away every day do a little ritual or reminding. Set up a small place where you can kneel and repeat an oath of service. Perhaps meditate. Perhaps start a journal devoted to BDSM thoughts and topics. If possible include him on as much as possible. On Thursdays or Fridays schedule a slot to devote to a BDSM activity that helps you re-assume your submissive role. It might be watching something like Story of O, perhaps reading erotic fiction, might be pics. Something that is a positive reinforcement to you.


(in reply to Smtreker)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/13/2005 2:55:19 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

I KNOW he's reluctant to assert his dominance with me and I try not to push him.


I JUST want ideas to help me let him know that it's ok.


Hello BlouLady

Trying to push someone else to be assertive is never going to work, because it's totally counter-productive to what you're trying to achieve.

One can only change one's own behaviour directly. Now, those changes we make in ourselves can produce a change in someone else ~ but that's totally up to them, and the dynamic. It's really wrong to expect someone else to change, and it's usually a little soul-destroying (not to say disrespectful of them?) even to hope for them to change.

I would make the suggestion that you change your behaviour, but most importantly, that you change the way you think of this man. If you want to submit to him ~ submit to him As He Is Now. You love him, you believe he's worthy of your submission, then submit to him despite the fact he's 'unassertive', and despite any reservations, and any things about him that don't satisfy you. Change the dynamic from your point of view. And have faith in it, because you're living it already. Forget about how 'good' or assertive a Dom he is... concentrate on your submission and see how that goes.

As far as particular actions or behaviours go, I'm reluctant to suggest anything, because to me, something like being kneeling when he returns (something I was at first going to suggest) would, if he hadn't demanded it, almost seem like you were demanding something of him.

Hope this helps.

~ Elektra


< Message edited by ElektraUkM -- 7/13/2005 3:00:21 AM >

(in reply to BlouLady)
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RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/13/2005 5:11:38 AM   
JerryInTampa


Posts: 138
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

As far as particular actions or behaviours go, I'm reluctant to suggest anything, because to me, something like being kneeling when he returns (something I was at first going to suggest) would, if he hadn't demanded it, almost seem like you were demanding something of him.
A good point. The inference that "dom me now" is being demanded can indeed come across sometimes. That, in and of itself, is something that can need work.

If I try to imagine myself in those shoes, which is dangerous because I am not him, a simple "I want to serve, I don't care if you dom / do stuff to me" would take the pressure off (and almost certainly have me topping in no time). There's a good section in Shogun about this when discussing Angin's wife: "think of her like a piace of furnature".

(in reply to ElektraUkM)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Desperately needing advise - 7/13/2005 6:34:21 AM   
BlouLady


Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I must say these last few responces have been very intresting and certainly seems to be on the mark. I'll try quite a few of them this weekend.

Draciron-I don't know if you'll read this thread again or not but if you do, I think you are right in very many aspects. You seem to be very intelligent and I think you have a good handle on this situation. You advise is very sound and worth much thought. I thank you for the time you spent sending it my way.

Again to all Thank you!---Lady

(in reply to Draciron)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Desperately needing advise - 2/3/2006 2:31:04 AM   
Draciron


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you BlouLady. You are quite welcome. I hope my advice helped.

I don't get on here very often as you can see from the long delay in answering :)

(in reply to BlouLady)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Desperately needing advise - 2/4/2006 4:39:41 AM   
FantMstr


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/13/2004
From: CT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JerryInTampa

Mark his arrival with an overtly submissive act. My girl greets me at the door on her knees. It's intended to set a tone.

The more involved, the more functional. Will he arrive hungry? Eat yoruself then make a meal just for him. Sit him and serve him and wait kneeling at his side (or a bit away if he the presence is off-putting while he eats) and play slave-waaitress. Then put away the dishes and offer sexual / massage / BDSM favors.

Adapt to your and his interests.


I agree with this post. I would only add it should be some sort of agreed up act, and that he should get a chance to get into "being home" before it is done.

One thing that sprung to my mind was to keep a diary of all the substantive decisions you made while he was gone. Then offer it to him for his approval or correction of them/you. He may just want to do wave a hand and say he doesn’t want to see it, but offering it would symbolically show the power is his.

AND communication! This is a key to any relationship, especially an EPE one.

Fantasy Mstr


_____________________________

The purpose of life is not to arrive at the grave
perfectly preserved and unscarred. It is better
to slide and tumble into the grave screaming -
Holy Shit. What a ride! - Anonymous


(in reply to JerryInTampa)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Desperately needing advise - 2/7/2006 5:34:13 AM   
pinioned14Me


Posts: 50
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with many of the observations offered here. It is often hard to maintain a D/s setting when vanilla roles take a majority of Y/your time.

I would suggest that you follow the ideas already given...show and reinforce your submission. Meeting Him at the door naked and kneeling. Unless it is His wish otherwise, remain naked throughout the weekend serving Him in all things. (I did not hear of children in your home...so understand I say this under the assumption there are none)

If He is gone all week every week, restaurants and motels will wear on Him. Prepare His favorite meals, do all the things during the week that will free His time to relax and enjoy you. Body massage allows contact and shows your care without pushing Him.

In essence....do all you can to show Him your devotion and give Him the time and space He needs to decompress. He may not use you as you hope....but this effort will reduce His stress and perhaps heighten His need for play

(in reply to FantMstr)
Profile   Post #: 18
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