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AutumnSpell -> RE: Signs of a Good Master (6/22/2004 7:26:00 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenblade
What do I need to do to find a good Master should I go that route?? Can you tell I need to be taught and trained??
I see a cascade of problems here. Perhaps it will help to break down the problems and once anatomized look at each on their own.
Something changed-
CPM is not what he portrayed? Or did you lovingly gave him too much credit and read into him more than what was there. Sit back and ask yourself if he is the same as when you first became involved with him. Did he change or did you?
If it was him that changed than there is hope. Try and see what drove his desires early in the relationship. Why did he Dominate you. What is different today than back then? Often Doms are in it for the challenge. If you became too willing they suddenly loose interest. If you beg for someone to take you submission you are begging the wrong person. It will cheapen the gift and that is not your fault, it is theirs. Anyone worth their weight in salt desires your submission as much as you desire their control. Once that balance is off, the exchange of the gifts becomes a lopsided equation and so does the D/s relationship. A Dom is not always going to tell you that, in fact, part of their gift can often be feigned indifference to your gift. Here is why D/s is for couples and not for players, because it takes that level of intimacy to have the exchange. (I know, I know, it sounds like the cliché situation that men get so upset about, when a woman expects us to just ‘know’ something… but c’est la vie) [;)]
But as I have always thought, a submissive cannot push with the rope, only pull. If he is only a weekend-Dom, there is not much that can be done. A submissive will never force her Dom into something that is not already in his heart/mind. And even if by some miracle she was able to, it would be fake, shallow and would end the moment she stopped applying the force, energy and effort. There is a reason that Doms are few and far between – it takes that effort. It takes creativity. It takes self-esteem. It takes time and energy. It can be nurtured by a submissive, but it cannot be grown in a fallow field.
Reading through your replies though, I think you have perhaps changed more than him. He might never have been what you desire today. But it was enough for you at the beginning. It is perhaps the most common tale from submissives, they outgrow their Masters. This is partially the subs fault and partially the Doms. Over time, subs tend to loose more and more of their inhibitions and the danger/romance/risk whatever drew them to D/s in the first place seems to effect them less and less. The lessening of the effect is because they have become used to the sensation. Like a drug or a roller coaster it takes more, higher, faster to stimulate them to that same extent. The limits that subs have inplace when starting their journey into D/s stretch faster and farther than the ones held by most Doms.
It is up to the Dom to slowly introduce new and creative adventures into the relationship. Reruns just wont cut it in D/s. As a Dom, I have hard and fast rules that I will not break. I will not bend and I will not exceed. If I were foolish enough to reach those with a sub too quickly, it is my own fault that she seeks more. New and exciting is a concept for all great lovers, vanilla or dark.
Now comes the part I have been avoiding. raven, I don’t think you should make any major choices until you know your own desires. (Here is a 55-gallon drum of worms I am opening) I don’t believe that a person is in their heart-and-soul a switch. I am not a person that speaks of ‘true’ Doms or subs. That ‘true’ concept is an elitist label from a vocal minority. Many of the leaders in a community are not speaking for the majority anyhow. But I do believe that a person is not a switch, they are just playing the role. Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with playing… forget the ‘true’ crap if two people are playing roles, who is anyone else to say that they are doing it wrong? But play doesn’t match up with your desire for 24/7. Nobody is going to be happy playing a lifestyle. I see a lot of soul searching in your future. I hope that this community and others can help you figure out your direction and bring you back into balance.
Be good, [;)]
Kurt
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