RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help?

RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (Full Version)

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orfunboi -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 5:29:33 AM)
i'm not sure why your leaving anything in your name? Turn off the utilities and get your name off the apartment. Then let the boy deal with his own sh*t.

tawney1 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 5:32:06 AM)
I am going to address the lease part mostly. Having been an apartment manager for over 6 years I can tell you that leaving the apartment in your name is not a good idea in any way. First, does your lease give you the option to sublet at all? Most have a clause prohibiting it or if allowed the person that is going to be living there has to be approved by the place. Secondly, a lot of utilities, (speaking phone, electric and gas mostly), must be in the name of a person on the lease. They will not let you shut them off without proof of moving and they can not be turned on by some one not on the lease. Also most apartment places have it in the lease that if utilities, (gas and electric), are shut off for more than 72 hours that they can issue an eviction notice. An eviction would cost you dearly and hurt you in ever looking for a new place or even in trying in later years to buy a house. Most places if you break a lease either have a pay off of a couple of months rent that clears you or at the worst you are responsible for rent until it re-rents. Now I do not know the housing situation in your area, but most apartments do not sit unrented for more than 30 days where I am. Making arrangements to make payments on a buy out is much safer for you. tawney property of Odin

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 5:39:54 AM)
like what everyone said - take your name off the utilities ...i'll even go one step further - drop this automatic payment every month to pay the rent at a place he lives now with the new gal. tell your landlord that he's staying in the old place that way he can draw up a new lease with your ex and his gal pal ....and it keeps your credit in good standing. since you said you don't expect him to pay rent on time and isn't good with finances, well, it will be a very good wake up call for him to face the reality about finances and responsiblity.

SumterDom -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 6:13:37 AM)
“We can't change the lease into his name, but I trust him enough that he won't screw me over--he isn't vindictive. He's a good guy. He is paying me the security deposit. He's just incredibly flaky and doesn't really want to accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to him as well. “ Ok this sentence, or your reaction to it, scares me somewhat. Vindictive and irresponsible are not the same, but often the end result is the same. Meaning? Though it wouldn't be intentional, per your statement, your credit could still be severely adversely affected by his lack of responsibility in doing as agreed. It wasn't intentional, or vindictive, but you wind up getting burned either way. Like many others, I'd tell him, you've got to have things switched over by such and such day or the utilities etc are being turned off. Go ahead and get in touch with the util company and make arrangements for them to do so on the aforementioned day then let him know. Then, he has choices to make... Good luck with all that SD

SirDraco7 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 8:01:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kossack I need closure on this relationship, and I need it fast. There are a number of things he has got to do. I'm not talking about the emotional stuff--he has actually been quite good dealing with my tears. I'm talking about finances and stuff. I’ve handled all this crap till now, seemlessly enough that he simply took me for granted, but now that my name isn't going to be on them, I literally can't do them. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty in terms of avoiding melodrama, being really nice and helpful (although when I found his new girlfriend’s undies in with our laundry at our place before I'd moved out, that went a bit far, in my view). I'm letting him keep my old apartment, under the condition that he set up auto-payment to me each month (he isn't good with money and I don't trust him to actually pay it on-time every month, and I don't want it to affect my credit--this way I pay it and know it has been paid). But he isn't following through on what he has got to do. The utilities have to be in his name. He needs to deal with some financial stuff from the two of us and make it so that I can be as unentangled as possible. I can't deal with this going on for another month. I've given him lists of what to do, and he says "yes, I’ll do it" and then he doesn't, even when I took the time to look up the phone number. How, short of just taking my name off the utilities so he has no electricity or gas or internet or phone or something far worse, do I get him to step up to the plate? I'm not going to let my credit go to hell because he won't deal with this stuff that none of us like doing. And I don't want to be entangled anymore! I can't keep an eye on his bills anymore--he's on his own and I want to be on my own too. Sadly. You can't. I'm not sure what the others have said, or what advice you've been given, but here is mine based on my experiences.. You can't trust him to pay or to do what he says, he continues to fail to live up to what he says... it means there is no trust and no faith in him. Because of this, there is no real simple and easy way to deal with it. There is no easy way to.. encourage him to meet you 1/2 way. This happened to me a little less than a year ago. My ex sub of mine and I broke up. due to the lease and attachments we decided to live together "as friends". After a couple months I learned and figured out many things, one of which was she was using and taking advantage of me so I left and tried to cut ties to save myself. I was in the same situation you are in. I wanted to be nice about it and tried to work with her without depriving her of everything, espesially with winter right there. So the kindness in my heart caused me to believe what she said and to try and trust her even though I had no trust left. Well maybe a thousand dollars later everything finally was switched over, the day before I had arranged to come over with the police and landlord to get things shut off.(to shut the gas off they have to come over to the house. ugh) Please don't fall into the same place I did. If you can't trust him. If he's falling through on you. then cut him lose. He might not hurt you or cost you money, but he could. If you want it ended, end it. He'll get off his ass pretty quick when he realizes he has no utilities. He might dislike you for that, but you did do your best to get him to comply. Plus he is an ex, and if protecting your future means burning a bridge to the past then so be it I say. Aside from that, if you can get your name off the lease. It may not be easy, but if you have a cool landlord you might be ok. With your name on the lease and if he trashes the place in a wild party you'll be 50% liable for the damages and such.(unless you are the only name on it then... I don't know. get it changed to him? I know break ups are tough, but what you don't want if you can avoid them are attachments. If you can be friends and if you want to be great. But him having to pay you every month is something that can bite you in the ass, espesially since you don't trust that he would. You are binding yourself to him. And everyone knows you can't do bondage without trust! lol ;) I seriously and honestly feel for you. I know my words might not be what you want to hear, but they are what I honestly think your best option is. Good luck, and hopefully your breakup doesn't destroy your credit like mine did to mine.

SirDraco7 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 8:18:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie I am groaning to myself as I am typing this because I did not heed the advice I'm about to give, but I am going to type it anyway. I was married to my husband for almost 20 years. He was a good guy, we just weren't working out (or so I thought). EVERYONE warned me. I was foolish enough not to listen, and to have faith in the man who has now made my life a living hell. It's the best you can do. Learn from your mistake and do your best to help make sure others don't make the same one. I'm going off what owned said here, as well as my own experiences. When you just break off a relationship, when you're so close with someone, when you even used to love someone, it is very easy to feel for them. To want to help them and be nice. It is very easy to trust and believe them. Because in the past you used to. Maybe he's not vindicative. But is he stupid? does he have stupid friends? Is his new GF vidicative at all? Would his new GF twist his mind and talk him into being such. All it takes is a little spark and your life and money burns away. Maybe he won't try to hurt you, but it doesn't mean you can't be hurt because of circumstance. Maybe it is too much. But isn't too much better than too little? If you jump over a pit would you rather jump too far and look like a show off or risk jumping too short and risk falling to your death? It doesn't sound like the best solution, because it's not. But it's the only 'safe' solution that you have. To do that you need him cut all away, including the lease. Just my experienced thoughts

RRafe -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 8:27:50 AM)
Set him a due date on when you are going to shut things down. Then do it-if he doesn't follow through. Not a lot else can be done.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 2:56:16 PM)
To the OP, well it seems to me that everyone has given you excellent advice..wether you follow through, of course is up to you..You strike me as a very responsible,giving person, who hates to feel as if you are pulling the rug out of someone that you once served and loved.But this is the hard part, you may have to do exactly that..Think about if someone you loved, such as a sister or brother came to you with this problem..What advice would you be giving them?..I suspect much of what you are receiving now...and truthfully, I know that you already knew the answer to the question posed..you just hoped someone would come up with maybe a less painful way to go about it...there is not a less painful way...I understand he was there for you with the emotional closure..and you feel that cutting him loose of any assistance on your part is abandonment and a crappy way to repay him for his making your closure bearable...But it is now time to cut the ties that bind and you both proceed into your seperate futures....Tempting

shyinini -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 4:12:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kossack quote: ORIGINAL: SirHedonicsslave I have to agree.....i'd tell him....i'm going to go and change the utilites out of my name insert a day or date....and then let him make his mind up whether he needs the stuff or wants to continue procrastinating. One thing i would check......check your lease.....make sure you can hand the apartment over to him, because if not, and he stops paying or does damage, you're responsible. We can't change the lease into his name, but I trust him enough that he won't screw me over--he isn't vindicative. He's a good guy. He is paying me the security deposit. He's just incredibly flaky and doesn't really want to accept that the rules that apply to everyone else apply to him as well. He might be a good guy and not vindicative...but where is his personal responsiblity?? Good guy does not equal integrity. Responsiblity taken = integrity. All "good guys" have a savory side to them, dont allow yourself to become victom sweetie. Sir's girl

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/2/2007 4:44:32 PM)
You knew he was not responsible or dependable and bad with money...so you decided to engage in an ongoing financial arrangment which affects your own financial status? Cut him off, cut everything out, get everything back that's yours and kill whatever means he could have to do you damage.

came4U -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 4:55:52 AM)
He is a mooch. What kind of grown man mooches off of a dame? Walk right into the utilities offices and remove the account. Pay the outstanding amount and discontinue service. Then give the apartment landlord 2 months notice (as required by law) and tell the ex bf/aka loser to pack his bags because YOU put notice in at YOUR apartment that it will be vacant by such n such date. Voila, if he doesn't leave, the day new tenants move in he surely will! The sherrif's office can shuffle him along but I doubt they will help him lift anything over 3lbs LOL.

Aileen68 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:20:02 AM)
Do not allow him to live in that apartment with your name on the lease. Cancel all utilities in your name. He may not seem like the vindictive type, but the new girlfriend may be. Any damages done to the apartment will fall on your head and affect your credit rating. Let the new girl carry his ass and let his problems become hers, not yours.

mnottertail -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:25:09 AM)
'Allo Ba bee. 'Allo, champagne ba bee, champagne; und much plenty sex, ba bee. Maurice

Aileen68 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:27:38 AM)
Ooh la la. Oui oui. le lol le lol

came4U -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:34:21 AM)
Not to mention, since it is your apartment, and your name is on the lease you have the right to walk in there anytime. I suggest checking in randomly after you have told him to take a hike because you have put in notice with landlord. Check in more and more near the close of that date, to document any damage while he is still available to be liable for such. Bring a camera, and a witness if you can. Ask for the key when his bags are packed and make him stay while you inspect the empty apartment. I am still in shock over a Dom who cannot handle money. lol, what sort of man cannot handle money?? oh answer: a girly-man.

mnottertail -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:34:41 AM)
Ziss, of course is 'ow we, Le Tom Katt, mooch off de womens, n'est ce pas? Maurice

persiphone -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:43:27 AM)
I had one like this. My name was on everything, because he had bad credit. Mine on the other hand is excellent. When I had enough of paying all of the bills, I informed him that the apartment manager had been notified. If he wished to keep the apartment he would have to reapply for it. The utilities would be turned off. Electric in 5 days, telephone tomorrow, internet and cable same day. He was a little upset, but I think it was more over that he would not be allowed to sponge anymore than the fact that he lost me. I chalked it up to a learning experience and am now very cautious with whom i'm generous.

came4U -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/3/2007 5:43:56 AM)
Tom Katt lol he is not a mooch, he is merely an emotional vampire. Besides, even he pays his own bills lol.

CreativeDominant -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/4/2007 7:41:19 AM)
I don't think I would rely on him to set up auto-pay to ensure that you get your money to pay for the rent each month. I admit to curiosity as to why you walked out of a place with your name on the lease rather than kick him out, former master or not. Part of dominance is being willing to shoulder some form of responsibility and obligation. That does not stop just because the relationship is over, it means that now he is no longer responsible for any aspect of your life except taking care of himself and removing any of the burden he shifted to you to take care of while you were together. As is often said on here, a dominant should be able to control his own life before he controls that of another...go by that rule and let him know that you will do what you can to protect your credit, including going to the utility companies and making them aware that you are no longer at the apartment, that though your name is on the lease, it is being sublet to so and so...even if that means getting a legal agreement drawn up...and make him control himself and his world.

vegas0623 -> RE: How do I get my Ex-Dom to Help? (9/4/2007 11:12:53 AM)
Hmm...From what I've read of your post so far...He cheated on you, you gave him the apartment that's in your name and the utilities are in your name. He has failed to act responsibly in your opinion to take the necessary steps to take responsibility for them. You state in your post he's a good guy but then you turn around and state he's flakey. If his name isn't on the lease then you can't just sublet the apartment to him, you wll be responsible for any unpaid rent and damage he might cause. Just turn off the utilities and then inform him that you did so, or better yet don't! You have given him plenty of warning and opportunity to take responsibility. Move on with your life hun you're still letting him control you just in a different way.

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