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Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/2/2007 10:42:57 PM   
tearfulsurrender


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		This is an excerpt from my personal handwritten journal I keep tucked under my bed.  It is a serious enough issue that I decided to bring it here and see if anyone can offer sage advice.  If you have ever been in my shoes, please help guide me back onto the right track.

There was a time in my life when I knew exactly who and what I was.  I was a slave and I was confident that I was the best slave I could be.  I was not a doormat; however, I was exceptionally obedient and found an amazing amount of pride and happiness in the fact that I could surrender my entire soul to the man I served.  I was whole.  Nothing got in my way when it came to pleasing my Owner (PMS, not being in the mood, jealousy etc.).

I had the unfortunate luck to rejoin the vanilla world for a few years.  I knew I could not deny myself forever and have recently found my way back into the arms and service of a loving but very strong Dominant man.  He is everything I fantasized about and more.  The problem is not with him, it is my issue alone.  I can not get my head back into "slave mode".  Oh, I want to more than anything feel that blessed release that only total surrender can bring.  I find myself being bratty with him.  He doesnt complain about it, as a matter of fact, sometimes, I think I amuse him.  But he deserves more than what I give him now.  He has my love and respect, but I need to give him unfaltering obedience and servatude.  There are so many other girls who would gladly step into my spot without a moments hesitation.  I am so glad that he picked ME!  It is my job to make sure he didnt make the wrong decision.

How can I get back to the place where I felt so good? How do I untrain myself of all these bad habits (whining, brattiness, jealousy)? How do I unlearn being selfish and obstinant and put his needs before my wants?

This will be an ongoing task, but I will do whatever it takes to get my head right again.  I want nothing more than this.  I need to feel that fire in the pit of my soul to be found nothing short of pleasing to him.  I need him to be proud to call me his slave and know that he really means it.
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/2/2007 10:50:00 PM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tearfulsurrender

This is an excerpt from my personal handwritten journal I keep tucked under my bed.  It is a serious enough issue that I decided to bring it here and see if anyone can offer sage advice.  If you have ever been in my shoes, please help guide me back onto the right track.

There was a time in my life when I knew exactly who and what I was.  I was a slave and I was confident that I was the best slave I could be.  I was not a doormat; however, I was exceptionally obedient and found an amazing amount of pride and happiness in the fact that I could surrender my entire soul to the man I served.  I was whole.  Nothing got in my way when it came to pleasing my Owner (PMS, not being in the mood, jealousy etc.).

I had the unfortunate luck to rejoin the vanilla world for a few years.  I knew I could not deny myself forever and have recently found my way back into the arms and service of a loving but very strong Dominant man.  He is everything I fantasized about and more.  The problem is not with him, it is my issue alone.  I can not get my head back into "slave mode".  Oh, I want to more than anything feel that blessed release that only total surrender can bring.  I find myself being bratty with him.  He doesnt complain about it, as a matter of fact, sometimes, I think I amuse him.  But he deserves more than what I give him now.  He has my love and respect, but I need to give him unfaltering obedience and servatude.  There are so many other girls who would gladly step into my spot without a moments hesitation.  I am so glad that he picked ME!  It is my job to make sure he didnt make the wrong decision.

How can I get back to the place where I felt so good? How do I untrain myself of all these bad habits (whining, brattiness, jealousy)? How do I unlearn being selfish and obstinant and put his needs before my wants?

This will be an ongoing task, but I will do whatever it takes to get my head right again.  I want nothing more than this.  I need to feel that fire in the pit of my soul to be found nothing short of pleasing to him.  I need him to be proud to call me his slave and know that he really means it.


Time Give It Time if you want it bad enough and he nurtures it it will return.

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/2/2007 10:56:47 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree- stop telling yourself that you "aren't enough" because that pretty much is like you telling your dom that he's got sucky judgement.

It's great that you know where you want to be, you simply need to let yourself get there.  You turned your back on yourself for quite awhile, now you have to learn and embrace your new self now.  Time and experience are the hardet, but the only secure ways, to get there.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MstrSkyWoIf)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 3:57:11 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I have discovered that submitting and surrendering to my Master was both a decision i made....and a process i continue to go through. Everyday i submit and surrender to my Master. I may not say those exact words to Him...or treat Him any different really. But everyday in my heart and my mind i surrender to Him...and its a little more some days ...and a little less others....its a process to me...and i feel blessed to have it, and HIM!.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 4:13:44 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		tearfulsurrender- we all lose our way, it's humanity, and it sounds to me that, as always the fault is not entirely on you.  It depends on the approach he is using to get you back where you used to "be".  If his approach is wrong, then he, not you should be changing that approach, so lighten up on yourself :)

(in reply to breatheasone)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 5:01:37 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		Tearful
 
I don't have any advice really...others might...but a question>
( You didn't say how new your relationship is with him, but I will guess its relatively new)
 ....are you comparing your feelings ( and depth ) of the submission you felt leaving that old ds relationship TO where you are right now in this one????
I ask because > expecting your heart/mind/emotions/submission to take up where the old left off> might be expecting too much of yourself....and of where you " are" in the new relationship so far...
Trust grows...dynamics evolve... they don't just suddenly appear and certainly not the same as "the one before" ...each is individual as are the people in them and the dynamics they bring to it...
 
do you think this is your subconsious way of "finding out" if he will respond to certain things as your old relationship did?
 
do you think you might be trying to make this one  resemble the old one? the old feelings?
 
perhaps just..accept and stop analyzing and wondering or comparing....just be and let him lead?
 
I read your words full of sincerity and I'm sure he feels them too... : )

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 6:08:12 AM   
SirDraco7


Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tearfulsurrender
How can I get back to the place where I felt so good? How do I untrain myself of all these bad habits (whining, brattiness, jealousy)? How do I unlearn being selfish and obstinant and put his needs before my wants?

This will be an ongoing task, but I will do whatever it takes to get my head right again.  I want nothing more than this.  I need to feel that fire in the pit of my soul to be found nothing short of pleasing to him.  I need him to be proud to call me his slave and know that he really means it.


Like the others have said, it will take time.  Perhaps take one aspect that you dislike and focus on that, untrain one and then move onto another.  It might take a while, but doing one at a time is much easier than all in one swing.
Aslo identify your wants and his needs.  write them down and have him see them.  A simple reminder or a look from him when you are doing such might help put you into your place and untrain you as well.

Plus talk with him, make sure that he knows what is going on and that you both need to work together to help get you there.

It's not easy I'm sure.  but be patient enough and it should happen.  :)

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 6:20:47 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		      First let me say please please do not assume you must act and be a certain way.   Every single Dom is different.   Not every Dom is going to expect the guidelines you have laid out for yourself.  
     What the heck is this---
quote:

but I need to give him unfaltering obedience and servatude
?  (thank goodness I am submissive) It sounds like you are trying to attain a goal that is sort of unattainable. C'mon everyone gets sick, everyone gets depressed everyone does not feel like having sex every single time.  (calm down squeakers be tolerant)    Did he say he wanted this?   Does he expect it?   Seems to me if he did, he would have called you on it.    If unfaltering obedience and servitude is your need and not his, how on earth are you as a couple going to work together if you are going in two different directions.  
     Have you talked to him about this?   "Sir, I do not like it when I am whiney and brattty.   I am not sure why I am feeling this way.   I feel that a slave must not possess these traits and I do not want to have them."    
    I can not say why you are acting the way you are but maybe, deep inside you know you can not attain the strict guidelines you have set out for yourself.   Maybe you are acting out for a reaction from him, it is kind of topping from the bottom but I have never considered it an intentional top.  
    My best advice is to speak to him from your heart.   Find out what HE desires in a submissive.   If you are able to meet his needs and his desires and you are comfortable with them great.   If his needs and desires are NOT going to work for you isn't it better to know now.   If he is allowing you to continue being a brat or whatever and you feel that you should not be and are acting out for some kind of response, and he is simply letting the 'bad behavior' go by, how is that going to work?

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 6:33:05 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like you are what he wants and he enjoys it.  Are you saying he should want to something different?  You may become that unfaltering obedience and servitude type and that might not suit him as well.  It isn't everyone's cup of tea.  Maybe you could back up off the "shoulds" and be OK with being you as you are in this time and space.   And being OK with the you he draws out.

In other words, what does he want?  What is his feedback?   Sometimes we can get really caught in our naval gazing and our perfectionism that we don't actually focus as much on the other.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 7:20:00 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		It's a new relationship (i take it it is, by the way you are saying it) and whatever the kind of relation there is, when it's new, both parts have to take their time to adjust to each other and found their rythm. If you're not ready, it's alright. If the want to improve and submit is there, i see no problem cause it'll come over to you, but stop blaming yourself for not feeling it right away. Let it flow, dont force it. If it's natural within you, you know you dont have to worry.

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 7:43:13 AM   
tearfulsurrender


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your words of encouragement. 

MstrSkyWolf: I know, take time, let it evolve.  It will come because I do want it that bad.  Patience is another one of those traits that I really need to work on *grin*.

LA: You can always be counted on to give great advice.  I love reading your no nonsense replies.  Thank you.

breatheasone: Thank you for your take on my situation.  In my mind, I have already given him everything that I am.  Sometimes it just doesnt translate well from my thoughts to my actions. It does help though, to know that I am his and each day that bond grows stronger as we overcome our hurdles together.

mmb1: As I stated earlier, this issue is mine alone.  It is not his actions or his approach that makes me feel this way.  It is my own feelings of inadiqucy.  He enjoys me just as I am most times (and when he doesnt, he explains to me how and why I can improve on certian characteristics).  I feel I dont give him back half of what he gives to me.  I simply want more for him.

quote:

are you comparing your feelings ( and depth ) of the submission you felt leaving that old ds relationship TO where you are right now in this one????
I ask because > expecting your heart/mind/emotions/submission to take up where the old left off> might be expecting too much of yourself....and of where you " are" in the new relationship so far

This was very thought provoking Cyntilating.  My answer is yes and no.  Yes, I want the feeling back that I had when my entire thought process revolved around being pleasing for my One.  But no, I want this experience to be different than what I have felt with previous Dominants, obviously, because something went wrong, and they didnt work out for whatever reasons.  I want this experience to be new and all our own because he is a different man, and I am certianly a different girl now.  I just want to feel that depth of servitude again. Im sure a lot of it is subconcious trying to see how far he will really let me go before reeling me back in (and in all honesty, not all of it is subconcious.. there are times when I push to see at what point he begins to pull.....topping from the bottom or expoloring my bounderies, im not sure really what catagory that falls under)  Thank you very much for pointing these things out to me.  It gives me something else to think about as I step back and just let him lead *smiles*

SirDraco:  I appreciate your advice.  That is a great idea.  I will ask him later today if he thinks the writing things down approach would help get things on the right track.  I know that it would greatly benifit me to see things in writing. The good thing about this situation is, I know that I can (and often do) talk to him about the inner workings of my mind.  He is very supportive.

Hi Squeakers:  I dont see my goal as one that is unobtainable.. because I have been there before.  Yes, everyone gets sick, has bad days, is not in the mood... Papa doesnt expect robotic perfection from me.  He actually just got onto me about stepping back and taking care of some medical issues I have going on right now.  He is a very understanding and caring man. 
quote:

Did he say he wanted this?   Does he expect it?   Seems to me if he did, he would have called you on it.    If unfaltering obedience and servitude is your need and not his, how on earth are you as a couple going to work together if you are going in two different directions. 

No, he didnt say that he wanted this, but I have assumed from previous conversations about others that this is traits the desires. He doesnt expect it all at one time, as a matter of fact, he hasnt really commented on my obedience or actions.  I just know that me being better behaved would make him even more happy with me.  I dont think that the two of us are heading off in two different directions, but if we did have unlike relationship goals, we have enough to build that solid foundation that every relationship needs in order to grow.  Comprimise makes up the framing. *smiles*  Thank you for your perspective on this.

quote:

It sounds to me like you are what he wants and he enjoys it.

I can only hope this is the case, but I am pretty sure you hit the nail right on the head.  He does tell me he enjoys me (and in the same breath tells me to stop whinning..lol)  You are right, I have gotten so caught up in my own perfectionism.  It is hard to walk that thin line between giving him everything I want for him and being an annoying "navel gazer".  Thanks Sunshine.


(in reply to arayofsunshine55)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 8:01:29 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		tearful, you are most welcome.   Please do not every assume that what others consider traits is a rule or something.    If I were to put my entire relationship out there, each and every aspect of it, there would be more flaming than I could possibly handle because I DON'T do everything like everyone else.   Some things yes, some things no.    Communication within the relationship is A+ as far as I am concerned.   Some Dom's might say---squeaks, you are such a fake because of A, B, C.   But as long as they are not my Dom, it truly does not matter.   It is what matters to HIM, not anyone else.   Sometimes, I look at it this way, if I were 100% perfect, how boring would that be.   What would there be for me to learn, what would there be for him to teach me, we'd simply sort of sit around looking at each other because we had perfected the journey and there is nothing further to accomplish.   
    Anyways be well.   Enjoy your journey.

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 8:30:12 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Your new relationship will not be like your old one.  Accept that and form a new bond with your new man.  You're measuring him and the relationship he's cultivating with you on your previous one. 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Squeakers)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 8:39:40 AM   
unbroken33


Posts: 56
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Congratulations on getting back into the life-style! 

As for all the parts of you that are still saying things like "I want," and "Me," it takes training and submission to your owners wishes.  Those won't go away overnight, as others have said.  And you may even find yourself fighting it, even though most of you doesn't want to.  But eventually He'll help you break, and you'll look back in disbelief that you could have thought the way you do now.

_____________________________

Please, no more serial killers.

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 9:10:46 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You may never have exactly the same feelings as you did way back when. And that's appropriate because you aren't the same person you were then.

Besides you did full slave stuff back then and it didn't work out. If it had you would still be there and not with a new man. So it is natural for you to have learned from your experience that it isn't safe for you to throw yourself away in preference for him. Since that makes it harder to find yourself later on.

Suggestions, talk to him. If he likes you as you are now and doesn't want the person you used to be, then you don't have a problem. Beyond that, give it a lot of time, as in years. You learned the hard way how trust can be given wrongly, it will take a long time to be able to drop all your walls and give your trust safely. But talk to him first, he may have picked you for who you now are and doesn't want you to become someone who only thinks of him. And if so, changing to that kind of person would ruin this for both of you.

(in reply to unbroken33)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 11:33:49 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

I have assumed from previous conversations about others that this is traits the desires.   


Like  you, I've taken some time off from this stuff. I've also done some goofing around without any intent of forming a relationship 'cause I wanted to sort some stuff out in my head.  Since 'jumping back in,' I've had some difficulties getting oriented again and am not always thrilled with myself.  One of the things I've trained myself to do is not assume anything from conversations about others or even comments made in passing.  This means I don't try to anticipate his needs but wait until he tells me directly, himself. (Although I will ask about certain things.) Basically, I only respond to direct orders/instructions.  Because I'm so observant, I pick up on all sorts of things so unless I blur my vision a bit I'd make myself crazy with the knowledge of how much I'm not doing that I could/should be doing.  To me this is part of power exchange: I'm suppressing some of my agency so he can be more actively in control. 

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
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RE: Have you ever had the same problem? - 9/3/2007 11:50:10 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tearfulsurrender

It is hard to walk that thin line between giving him everything I want for him and being an annoying "navel gazer".  Thanks Sunshine.



Any time.    And these words are important "giving him everything I want for him".  I think what is more important is being and giving everything he wants you to be/give for him.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to tearfulsurrender)
Profile   Post #: 17
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