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Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 6:11:41 AM

SweetCharity

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I am new to this world of submissiveness and find it quite erotic with the potential of being much more. And although a strong male dom is exactly what I seek, I am having difficulty with some dominates who accuse me (and other newbies) of being manipulative and of giving less than honest answers to questions. We ALL bring our pasts with us which cause us either to be shy and reluctant to share IMMEDIATELY in our areas of greatest vulnerability and insecurity. Or there are those of us who don't "think on our feet" well and like to pause to choose our words wisely. A particular question for any of us may very well trigger memories of past losses and rejection and it takes time to immediately open up to someone for fear of rejection. The way I see it, a masterful Dom could very well use this insecurity to his benefit in the end, if some patience with us newbies is present. The really strong Dom's whom I find attractive exhibit a pattern of intolerance for the slightest miscommunication....and communication is a 2 way street. I see this kind of treatment as manipulative on the dom's part. In seeking an appropriate partner, I would hope that openness and honesty without manipulation would be present on in both parties involved. Is there something here I am just not getting??? Oh and btw, I write MUCH better than I speak...lol.

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 7:04:43 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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First, dominant is a noun and an adjective "He is a dominant" "She is very dominant today" while dominate is a verb "She wants to dominate you."

Second, don't worry about it. If you don't click with someone, move on. BDSM and Ds relationships have exactly the same crap and issues that vanilla ones do.

(in reply to SweetCharity)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 7:15:56 AM

JerryInTampa

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quote:

I am having difficulty with some dominates who accuse me (and other newbies) of being manipulative and of giving less than honest answers to questions.

I would point out that being honest does not require that you "share IMMEDIATELY" your "greatest vulnerability". "I'm not comfortable answering that" is a perfectly valid response.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 7:38:34 AM

imtempting

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JerryInTampa

quote:

I am having difficulty with some dominates who accuse me (and other newbies) of being manipulative and of giving less than honest answers to questions.
I would point out that being honest does not require that you "share IMMEDIATELY" your "greatest vulnerability". "I'm not comfortable answering that" is a perfectly valid response.

Or simply tell them to "go and have sex with themselves".

(in reply to JerryInTampa)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 7:45:53 AM

plantlady64

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Hello There,
You say in the end of your letter:"dominates who accuse me (and other newbies) of being manipulative and of giving less than honest answers to questions. We ALL bring our pasts with us which cause us either to be shy and reluctant to share IMMEDIATELY in our areas of greatest vulnerability and insecurity. ". Then in the end of your letter you say: "In seeking an appropriate partner, I would hope that openness and honesty without manipulation would be present on in both parties involved.".
To me it seems like you're saying you want to manipulate the conversation to protect your insecurities, then in your next breath say you want to be open and honest. My advice is if you don't trust a Dom with your mind then what are you doing trusting them with your body? It's your Doms job, and if he's a good one his desire, to help you grow as a person. If you don't open up your fears fully and honestly to him you're not only selling him short, but you're hindering your relationship. Trust is an essential element in this lifestyle.
If you choose to submit to someone in my opinion it should be with complete abandon or not at all.
I also feel nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Be Brave,
sub suzanne

(in reply to SweetCharity)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 9:18:21 AM

SweetCharity

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

First, dominant is a noun and an adjective "He is a dominant" "She is very dominant today" while dominate is a verb "She wants to dominate you."

Second, don't worry about it. If you don't click with someone, move on. BDSM and Ds relationships have exactly the same crap and issues that vanilla ones do.

Thanks so much for your reply! Good point about the "same crap".

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 9:22:31 AM

SweetCharity

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ty Jerry, for answering my post.

Liked what you had to say. Much appreciated!!

(in reply to JerryInTampa)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 9:24:08 AM

SweetCharity

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LOL imtemping. Great response...gotta love it

I'm feeling less stupid already <wink>

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 9:55:15 AM

imtempting

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I like to share my knowledge.

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/13/2005 10:21:57 AM

SweetCharity

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quote:

To me it seems like you're saying you want to manipulate the conversation to protect your insecurities, then in your next breath say you want to be open and honest. My advice is if you don't trust a Dom with your mind then what are you doing trusting them with your body?

First of all, ty so much for you reply!! But on my being manipulative, I really have to disagree. You have had the fortune of finding someone you trust and blended well with. Please consider that I am coming from a totally different viewpoint from you. You are obviously accomplished at this. I am not. You have gotten thru the "hoop" of finding someone you trust totally w/your mind and your body. Lucky YOU!! And who said I'd trust a dom w/my body first and mind later?? Woah! I Missed that point completely. Perhaps if you tell me what it was like your "first time" out I'd better understand, or maybe you'd better understand what I meant if you consider how you thought and felt early on...

/quote It's your Doms job, and if he's a good one his desire, to help you grow as a person. If you don't open up your fears fully and honestly to him you're not only selling him short, but you're hindering your relationship. Trust is an essential element in this lifestyle.
If you choose to submit to someone in my opinion it should be with complete abandon or not at all.
I also feel nothing ventured, nothing gained.

How soon does one trust another? The first conversation? I totally agree w/what you said in the first part of that quote. But to go with complete abandon on a leap of faith to a man I don't know could be extremely dangerous...not that danger doesn't appeal to me on some level, or I wouldn't be here. Believe me if I found a man worthy of my complete trust and complete abandon, who has convinced me of his his dedication to my wellbeing... he shall have it very quickly, but that is a relative term. your advice to "be brave" is well taken, but I'm still wary...I do still have to use my critical thinking skills...;) Again, thanx for expressing your view here!

(in reply to plantlady64)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/14/2005 12:27:24 PM

plantlady64

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Hello Again,
I'm also brand new to BDSM. I just found myself 2/05. I think my opinion comes more from my life in general more than specifically my BDSM experience.
You are correct in I'm very lucky to have already found the Master I respect and Trust myself with completely, but I was completely open and honest before I was sure I could trust him.
I think if you hold yourself back in anything out of fear of exposing yourself you sell yourself and the other person short. It's like learning to swim. If you don't pick your feet up off the bottom of the pool you're never going to get anywhere or know if you can swim or not.
Especially in a BDSM type of relationship if he does not know your strenght's weaknesses, fears and pleasures it leaves him stumbeling around in the dark & with more potential to accidentally push a button you can't accept being pushed.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to SweetCharity)

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/14/2005 1:30:55 PM

fastlane

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Emerald, I have written a book I'd like for you to edit

I was once so proud of myself, before being reduced to "a noun."

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/14/2005 4:42:10 PM

FuriousAngel

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quote:

How soon does one trust another? The first conversation? I totally agree w/what you said in the first part of that quote. But to go with complete abandon on a leap of faith to a man I don't know could be extremely dangerous...not that danger doesn't appeal to me on some level, or I wouldn't be here. Believe me if I found a man worthy of my complete trust and complete abandon, who has convinced me of his his dedication to my wellbeing... he shall have it very quickly, but that is a relative term. your advice to "be brave" is well taken, but I'm still wary...I do still have to use my critical thinking skills...;) Again, thanx for expressing your view here!

I don't have an answer to your initial question, but I think several did a good job of that already. I just wanted to say that I admire your efforts to maintain a common sense approach to D/s, particularly when so many throw all caution to the wind in their frenzy to explore. (Not that I'm belitting such people because I did it too). Good for you!

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RE: Dom's understanding of New Subs - 7/15/2005 4:27:10 AM

Focus50

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There may well be a hundred Dom profiles for you to choose from but that's no guarantee you'll find more than one you have true affinity for or connection with.... What you need, and which is what we all do, is have a way of filtering out the excess choices until you find someone who you'd consider spending the rest of your life with. Much like the vanilla dating world, a hundred to choose from still leaves you with only one or two serious contenders in the end....

You seem to have a thing about manipulation so you should merely see that as part of your own filtering method for eliminating excess numbers. Rather than dwell on it, just "draw a line through their name" and move on to the next candidate. There's a lotta Dom profiles out there but I'm guessing you really seek only one Dom, yes?

Also bear in mind that most newbie fem/subs are targeted by trolls and wannabes who will show intolerance if things aren't going the way they wish.... They count on a newbie's inexperience and naivity in seeking personal and inappropriate information or in making demands of you! One way to filter them is to ask yourself if they seem interested in you as a person and adult individual or just in the submissive you....

Focus50.

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