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RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 12:45:04 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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If you stop focusing on "having a Master" and instead concentrate on meeting people, having fun, learning, and making friends, I think you would be far more satisfied. Your focus is too intense. That narrow a view can blind you to many wonderful people, situations, and ideas. Good luck and be well.

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If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 3:19:32 PM

azrailla

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

Hi,
I hate to sound geographically prejudice, but where you live does make a difference, (i.e. rural versus urban). I suggest approaching meeting people as an investigation. If you meet someone online, and they are close, meet in person in PUBLIC and just talk, no strings no expectations. You may be surprised, although he/she may not be "the right one" it's like everything else, network!! be proactive, and safe!. BDSM is only part of who we are, but we all have hobbies, careers, families and experiences to share that are not even related to the lifestyle, and that might be a nice starting point for some.

az

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Post #: 22

RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 3:44:38 PM

azrailla

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/10/2007
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Hi,

I wanted to reply to this with my own experience. I am not saying that it's the "only way" but rather how I approached finding a Master/Trainer on this site (nothing like a Disclaimer from the start

)

First you need some criteria, ...distance age range, intent (play or long term) and go from there. The most important thing about finding the right Master is to have a true understanding of what you are looking for. For example, I was purely looking for someone to train me because I was/am new and had no clue what I liked or disliked. So high on my list was finding someone with 15+ years of training in BDSM. And yes I asked detailed questions about how and what they specialized in (it is my body and mind after all) and where they trained and for how long etc.

I even talked to someone that my Trainer had worked with in the past (woo-hoo references!!) I met a few nice men that wanted "online" only and I politely explained that at this time I was not searching for that. They were all totally sweet and supportive!! TY TY guys!!

Second, don't look past profiles with no pictures, some just have high profile jobs. If it sounds good, a note can't hurt.

Third, look for the Dom/Domme that spends a lot of time asking you questions. I found that a good one will be very careful to work with you on establishing initial boundaries before pushing them. The need to know the truth. If you have never been flogged, restrained etc. don't lie. If you are looking for LTR don't pretend not to be interested. Trust starts from the very first contact. SSC etc, and also it doesn't hurt to ask how they clean and care for equipment, what they own, etc.

Forth, insist on at least one vanilla meeting if you have any level of discomfort and never ever discount your intuition. If something feels creepy back off fast. If it's not a "fit" don't proceed but rather settle on acquiring a friend. You never know that contact might just lead you to the right one.

I got lucky, I spent about a week on this site, talked to a few Doms in my area, got lots of great advice and information about local groups, picked One that enjoys training, talked to someone he worked with, met and have been working together ever since, and it's been absolutely perfect.

It is entirely possible to find what you are looking for, provided that you know what it is you want. If you don't know that is something you need to work out in your head until you can clearly articulate it, then stick to your guns and go for it!!

Hope this helps a little.

az

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Post #: 23

RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 4:32:04 PM

ADomDoc

Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
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azrailla ... appreciated the thought you put into your post

quote:

ORIGINAL: azrailla
First you need some criteria, ...distance age range, intent (play or long term) and go from there. The most important thing about finding the right Master is to have a true understanding of what you are looking for. For example, I was purely looking for someone to train me because I was/am new and had no clue what I liked or disliked. So high on my list was finding someone with 15+ years of training in BDSM. And yes I asked detailed questions about how and what they specialized in (it is my body and mind after all) and where they trained and for how long etc.

Quite right. "Looking for someone to train me" in a profile tells nobody anything! The Dom/me doesn't know what you want or are interested in ... and you obviously don't know what the hell you want. And I usually ignore the ones who shotgun everyone w/ a canned note saying how interested they are in my profile (when I can see they haven't even read my full profile) ... or their response indicates they didn't pay attention to it (such as they have 10 kids at home, raise anaconda & can't relocate from Sequim).

quote:

I even talked to someone that my Trainer had worked with in the past (woo-hoo references!!) I met a few nice men that wanted "online" only and I politely explained that at this time I was not searching for that. They were all totally sweet and supportive!! TY TY guys!!

Nothing like references. One word of caution, some offer references that might be bogus. And, if you don't know the references personally, what is their opinion worth?And nobody offers bad references. But, hopefully, if a reference really has known a person long enough, they can give you a good overview of the Dom/me. Personally, I give references of mundanes & others into BdSm who have known me & my previous subs & slaves for the last 15 yrs.

quote:

Second, don't look past profiles with no pictures, some just have high profile jobs. If it sounds good, a note can't hurt.

And you can always offer to trade photos on the side ... not posted in your profiles.

quote:

Third, look for the Dom/Domme that spends a lot of time asking you questions. I found that a good one will be very careful to work with you on establishing initial boundaries before pushing them. The[y] need to know the truth. If you have never been flogged, restrained etc. don't lie. If you are looking for LTR don't pretend not to be interested. Trust starts from the very first contact. SSC etc, and also it doesn't hurt to ask how they clean and care for equipment, what they own, etc.

:-) It's amazing how many potential subs/slaves don't like to be asked a lot of questions. I only ask what I need to get to know how they think. "I like whipping" doesn't tell me much but if I learn their previous experience, future interests, squicks, subjective limits vs objective limits, phobias, medical condition, & any historical components (abuse, etc), then I have a better understanding of how to play the sub 1) to avoid over-playing her and 2) to faster get her to subspace. Also, there's no sense in bothing w/ a sub who has really wimpy limits compared to my expectations. And, since I'm looking for a LTR, I also am looking for someone who has compatible taste in food, music, activities, movies, politics, etc.

quote:

Forth, insist on at least one vanilla meeting if you have any level of discomfort and never ever discount your intuition. If something feels creepy back off fast. If it's not a "fit" don't proceed but rather settle on acquiring a friend. You never know that contact might just lead you to the right one.

I generally suggest a first meeting in a neutral location (of the sub's choice, or mutual convenience) & suggest she bring her duenna or make all the safety calls she wants. And I suggest we come & go separately, just meet to chat the 1st time. I've even invited out of-town-subs for a week's stay (at my expense) w/ no play & no sex ... just touring the area & trying restaurants, etc to get to know each other for the long term. It's the subs who have come back with expectations of both play & sex. I've sometimes okayed that, and have always regretted it. Anyone who is too eager to jump into bed w/ a stranger has a problem, and it won't be cured by finding a Dom/me.

quote:

I got lucky, I spent about a week on this site, talked to a few Doms in my area, got lots of great advice and information about local groups, picked One that enjoys training, talked to someone he worked with, met and have been working together ever since, and it's been absolutely perfect.

Congrats ... sounds like it was more than luck. You had your head on your shoulders in your search. Wish that were true of more.

quote:

It is entirely possible to find what you are looking for, provided that you know what it is you want. If you don't know that is something you need to work out in your head until you can clearly articulate it, then stick to your guns and go for it!!

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RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 5:55:10 PM

BlackFlame

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/3/2004
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I think the 'stop looking for a master, just make friends' thing is kind of a cop-out. If what you want-- what you crave is much more than just 'friends' and 'community,' then this isn't going to be satisfied by just friends or community. Just the way it is.

Offline isn't some magic cure all, either. Even in a crowded area. It's just a whole new arena to manuever in, with a different set of rules.

Online, the trick is to move to something offline fairly rapidly. You should be able to clarify in three e-mail responses or less whether or not you're compatible (Message one-- breaking the ice, Message two-- questions, Message three-- answers.) Be honest, up front. Don't try to hide anything. If you're compatible, there's no reason to avoid a phone call. If the phone call goes well, you should ask for a real life date. It's really not that hard a concept.

You have the advantage, because you're the female. Females making the first contact generally speeds things up a lot-- women get lots of spam from just about any horny guy that happens to come across thier profile, so even we dominant males (espeacially we dominant males) have a hard time making first contact, because sending a message to a female submissive/slave is pretty much a shot in the dark as to whether or not there will be a response. So-- don't be shy in sending the first message.

BlackFlame

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Post #: 25

RE: finding a Master - 9/6/2007 7:39:50 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wantsamaster595

I am having a hard time finding a Master. We start off good, then they disappear or something happens. Is this common practice? Is there a better way than internet?

That would depend totally on where you are. If there is an active community in your area, or with in a reasonable distance of where you are. If there is no viable community in your area then what other choices do you have other then the internet?

You can try posting or answering adds i the alternative magazines which can be purchased at pretty much any adult toy store. But then again what are the chances you will find someone in your area?

Are you willing to move to an area that has a larger more active organized community?

Basically.. What is it you are willing to do to make finding the Master you want more easy? No one is going to hand you the solution. You have to figure out what you are willing to do and what you can do, if you want to find a Master. It may mean moving. It may mean puttng yourself more out here and advertise yourself more. Either in person or online or in magazines.

There is no secret society of where to find the perfect Master. It takes time, hard work and sometimes sacrifice.

Are you willing to move to a differnt state? a Different country? Are you willing to give up your friends and the possibility of seeing your family frequently?

We get what we want depending on how much effort we put into it. Nothing in life comes easily and nothing comes with out some sacrifices.

Figure out what you are willing to put into it and you'll figure how for yourself how to find your Master.

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RE: finding a Master - 9/7/2007 4:59:53 AM

Redoubt

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
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Same way you could get laid on a saturday night (if youre female) - stand up and yell - "I wanna get laid, any takers meet me after closing." - if you try a similar approach on your profile, you'll get a "Master" in no time.

Probably about the same calibre as the first example.

Just like in the real world:
Make sure you know what you want before you go looking for it, makes it lots easier to find it.

Make sure you aren't in a desperate hurry to find what you're looking for. (Desperation has an odor)

When you find something that looks like it might be it, don't rush into it like a starstruck teenager with a crush.

If you like you as you, without needing a partner to feel complete, you'll find someone. You can be submissive without having a special person to submit to.

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Post #: 27