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RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 12:59:48 PM

KiandPhoenix

Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

I have a HUGE problem with cybering. I get extremely jealous of it. Now I am open and poly. I am fine with my lady taking a guy into the other room and fucking the shit out of him. Wouldn't have a seconded thought about it. I get to have sex with my lady. She isn't holding that part of herself from me. If she goes online, then she is doing something with someone else that she is not doing with me. In essence she is sharing part of herself with someone else that I don't get to experience, and if I do get to experience it, it is not in the same way. Is it cheating? I don't think so, but it causes the same feelings in me as if she were cheating. Poly is when emotions are involved, and she is in a relationship with the people online, so she is not engaging in poly in my opinion.

I wouldn't punish her, but I would express your feelings to her, and discuss what you both need to do in order to alleviate those feelings. That is unless you told her not to do this, and she did it anyhow.

On a side note, I have noticed that AT LEAST 95% of all problems posted on the boards have the same solution. Talk to your partners about your thoughts and feelings.
~Ki

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 21

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 1:21:22 PM

goalie62

Posts: 114
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Here's my take. I don't care which half of a D/s relationship you're in, I think that if something is lacking, it is YOUR responsibility to go to the other partner and say, Look, we need to work on ( insert issue here). To just go out and look online or elsewhere is disloyal, disrespectful and dishonest. YMMV

_____________________________

God, you have no idea how badly I want to put something profound here.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 22

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 1:37:41 PM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

If I were in that situation I'd consider it cheating.

(in reply to goalie62)

Post #: 23

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 1:38:42 PM

CandyLover

Posts: 68
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline

Google "bloodninja" and learn his cyber-secrets. Then, contact your sub under a name she doesn't know and use the secrets on her. If you do it enough, she'll never go back to cybering again.

(in reply to stylish)

Post #: 24

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 1:44:02 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyLover

Google "bloodninja" and learn his cyber-secrets. Then, contact your sub under a name she doesn't know and use the secrets on her. If you do it enough, she'll never go back to cybering again.

That's a good way to promote trust and honesty in a relationship. Lol.
How about just tell her to stop. Who is in charge here?

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to CandyLover)

Post #: 25

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 1:53:51 PM

Hekaron

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez [in answer to Hekaron]

People do not fall out of love by finding someone they love more and replacing them. The damage to their relationship was present and therefore a person who does end falling for another whether from innocent cyber to not innocent cyber to real time or just to real time the old fashion way. I look down on this as much as anyone but it does not replace the fact that a person does not stray from a good and healthy relationship by getting lured or out of boredom.

I am reading a lot of trust is a one way street and I cannot trust my submissive in these post and would remind many that trust is a two way street and not just when playing with the toys a submissive needs to trust their dominant.

I am sorry but this post and a few others smacks of submissive equal weak and lesser human beings who cannot be trusted that some other dominant equals strong and dangerous can hurt her, you and us.

I have zero issues with a dominant not wanting a submissive to be online like this but the B.S. of the self righteousness of the reasons clouds the real reasons whether there is a bigger problem or it is insecurity of the dominant which also does not have to be a bad thing but just the way it is.

You judge situations and people (which might have certain personality disorders) that you don't know. You talk about pre-existent relational problems that weren't there even according to the ex in question right to this day. Only this was a better offer considering some BDSM peferences (shibari/exhibitionism/modeling career, etc.).
You talk about trusts issues, about the BS of selfrighteousness and Dom insecurity. Where do you read this?
When I read my post, I read about a possible way to avert a risky situation and go for the opportunity to improve the existing relationship, that this situation offers as well.
My, what a judgmental, unpleasant person you are. Off course this is no more than a personal opinion. Thanks for the dagger in the back, toservez.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 26

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 2:17:05 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I will repeat what my post was about. If you think your sub left you because of just shibari and the man got her to fall out of love with you then you are just wrong and I would pose the question what were you doing while you saw all this going on if it was just that simple?

If I was to turn what you basically endorse by a submissive going on here saying their Master does not want them on the Internet, talking to men anywhere and basically trying to eliminate any possible situation where this bad thing can happen everyone would jump up and tell her to get out!

I do not know why your relationship fell apart but I can tell you your love of your life did not consider you her love of her life and was not happy or would have been happy if you locked her away from the world. I cannot guess why though she left you. Whether her character is lacking, she bores easily in relationships or any other character flaws or whether it was something about you that she did not communicate or you are in denial, but do not come on a message board with the theory of a submissive woman is susceptible to evil dominant men and should be protected by this because people like me will call you on it.

We are submissive woman, we are not weak, naïve or stupid and when we screw up or have deep character flaws that cause heart ache to another it is because we are human beings just like every one else on the planet.

The temptation did not cost you her and unless you are going to literally imprison a submissive you cannot eliminate temptation. You are simply focusing on a symptom or a tool to fix a problem she thought she had whether true or not and regardless of right or wrong. Human beings are not robots, we are simply more complex.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Hekaron)

Post #: 27

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 2:59:07 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyLover

Google "bloodninja" and learn his cyber-secrets. Then, contact your sub under a name she doesn't know and use the secrets on her. If you do it enough, she'll never go back to cybering again.

That's a good way to promote trust and honesty in a relationship. Lol.
How about just tell her to stop. Who is in charge here?

Ditto. I couldn't respect a partner who did that. It reeks of high school drama when the whole thing might have been a mistake.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 28

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 3:16:28 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I see it as a definite problem. It's up to you, OP, to approach her and talk with her about it. Seems like its a symptom of something else. You need to know what it's a symptom of.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 29

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 3:25:03 PM

stylish

Posts: 31
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline

Hey all, thanks so much for your advice.

To clear a few things up though, a lot of people here seem to think that I am deeply upset by discovering that my sub is cybering. In fact, I am curiously not that bothered by it, though I thought that I might have been. That is the reason I posted this question. I was curious to learn how other Doms might react under the given circumstances. Would you feel the need to punish this type of behaviour or, like I suggested, is it just some innocent fun? I think that the majority seems to agree with me in thinking that there is no need for punishment here, but that I should still talk to my sub about the matter.

Secondly, our relationship is just fine. I'm not worried about that. I know that she is very happy as am I, so I don't have any concerns that this will lead to something else. Personally, I think that she is playing around online because we are apart for stretches of a week or two at a time and it is just a way for her to vent her sub feelings in my absence. I'm going to try sending her a few extra e-mails to remind her of her Dom on a daily basis. ;-)

But, I do agree with the advice a lot of you have given that I should talk about this matter with her. It would be easy just to ignore it, but at the same time I want her to know that I'm aware of the situation and I would like to take at the chat logs with her. Who knows, maybe we will stumble across something that will excite us both and can be put into practice the next time we are together.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 30

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 3:42:06 PM

Hekaron

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline

Toservez,

I have long long ago given up my belief in simple, one size fits all, solutions to complex individual situations. Without knowledge of the dynamics, history, details and agreements of a long relationship between two rather complex people, I think it is immature to draw such presumptious, absolute conclusions, lacking any kind of relativism.
I was in a relationship that both partners entered as polyamorous individuals. A poly relationship with clear and well discussed agreements, with room for a lady, to join us. Seeing how she thoroughly enjoyed being engulfed in the lifestyle and fetish scene, the shibari, the suspensions, the attention of the crowds, the professional photoshoots, which catered generously to her exhibitionism, I tried to see how far my limits about our definition of polyamory could be stretched to make this possible for her. D/s or not, S/M or not, for me love and a relationship mean doing everything within your possibilities to fulfil the deepest wishes of your partner. For me BDSM should be supportive of a love relationship, not the other way round. It's the way I see it, period, whether it's your piece of cake or not. She sadly confounded the bliss of the experience with the person able to provide it and also confounded polyamory with serial monogamy. I did not enter this discussion to complain, I would like to stress once again, but to make a point about reintroducing romance in a relationship that showed subtle signs of distress. This however is not a thread about my relationship; this thread belongs to the OP, so let's get back on topic. I like to contribute to these boards in a positive way (until now I only wrote under the name of the couple profile we had here for much longer). Posts like yours don't make it more fun for me to be here on the boards. I take offense in your aggressive interpretation of my post and hope other people picked up the more positive intent I tried to express.
And of course it is possible that I used the wrong words. In that case I ask to be excused, I am still grieving ten days after the unexpected and abrupt end of a ten year relationship.

Ron

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 31

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 3:50:13 PM

InkedMaster

Posts: 342
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

It has happened to me, was she lying about it? yes, was she hiding it? yes, did she even take it to another isp to really hide it? yes, were there other issues in the relationship? yes, end result, color me bad, kicked to the curb, I'm done.

just my 2 cents...now add 6 bucks to that and you have almost enough for a mocha latte grande skinny half with carmel and sprinkles!

_____________________________

TOURETTE SYNDROME: It's no mother f*cking joke, you God d*mn c*ck sucking f*ck!

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy

-Owner of eyesopened- and damn PROUD of her!

(in reply to stylish)

Post #: 32

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 4:41:12 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goalie62

I have to admit that I would be furious. I'd have to think for a couple days brfore I brought it up though so I could cool off. I would consider disabling the internet for a couple days as a "message" that you know something is up.

Highly passive aggressive behavior and not leading to open communication and discussion of the issue. Also not behavior that demonstrates self mastery or maturity.

quote:

It's kind of like my situation, after my last sub and I broke up, I discovered that she had opened an account here about 30 days after she took my collar. I found it hurtful, disloyal, dishonest and disrespectful. I'm still pretty hurt over it.

And how long was she supposed to mourn for you? Once it's over, it's over. Plus the fact that she opened an account doesn't mean she's dating three times daily. Lots of people open single accounts just to let friends know that their relationship went poof.

Your feelings are your own but once the two of you ended it, any expectations of loyalty to a person she is no longer with are inappropriate expectations. She owed you no respect and no loyalty from the moment you parted.

You need to do some mourning of the death of the dream of the relationship and some work on what really happened. I wish you good healing.

(in reply to goalie62)

Post #: 33

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 5:22:11 PM

goalie62

Posts: 114
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Celeste, I think you missed something, we were fully committed and exclusive at the time she opened the acount here. I didn't find out about it until after we broke up. I'm healing, slowly, but healing none the less. Sure, I have my moments, everyone does, but notice that I said I'd be tempted, not that I would do it. Any relationship takes communication. A lot of it.

Mine didn't work, but at least we are friends so that's a good thing. Maybe one day, we'll try again, maybe not.

_____________________________

God, you have no idea how badly I want to put something profound here.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 34

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 5:33:26 PM

Satyr6406

Posts: 820
Joined: 3/27/2006
From: New Brunswick, N.J.
Status: offline

ANYTHING, done in secret, is dishonesty. Case closed.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Former Vice-President Gore didn't invent the internet but, he DID make up global warming!

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 35

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 5:37:56 PM

playfulotter

Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

For me cybering has to do with sex and not my thing at all online..Yikes!..my Master wouldn't stand for that anywho..but if he knew i was gathering information or showing my pics..part of my exhibitionism online but actually in public online (i know a gray line) quite shy...go figure...he doesn't have a problem with it..if i was contemplating meeting anyone...wow..that is wrong...i wouldn't do that! but every relationship is different...we have a pact that if either one of us is going to meet someone else we let the other one know in advance and that hasn't happened in five months...life is hard enough but honesty is alway a good thing..doncha think?

_____________________________

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ― Benjamin Franklin

"Some people are otters, some people are rocks." ~Sheldon Cooper

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 36

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 5:44:53 PM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Hi

Some relationships have a problem whit cybering some dont. If you have a problem whit this i would recomend you talk whit your sub. Probably she do not know she is hurting you by doing this and think it is ok. Usually talking will create a solution. Either you finding you can tolerate this or she realising she have to stop becouse it is hurting the relationship.

my Master do not mind if i cyber, he see it as inocent fun, if he however had a problem whit it, he would sit me down and talk about it, he would not punish me for something i did not even know he did not want me to do.

For every relationship there is a different tolerance for different things. You need to work out a solution in your situation. And if you really have a problem whit this, it is nothing wrong whit saying no, you can not do this. Just talk whit her first so your displesure do not come like lightning from a clear sky.

Best wishes

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad

(in reply to stylish)

Post #: 37

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 5:56:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It saddens me that you even seriously considered punishment as an option. She wasn't misbehaving, she wasn't disobeying, she wasn't doing ANYTHING you'd mentioned you might even not really enjoy her doing and it wasn't intefering in any way with her good behavior.

Why on earth would you even think of punishment?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to nephandi)

Post #: 38

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 7:00:20 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Satyr6406

ANYTHING, done in secret, is dishonesty. Case closed.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

Simple, straight to the point and oh so true...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Satyr6406)

Post #: 39

RE: My sub is cybering - 9/5/2007 7:17:25 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stylish
What would you do with your subs if a situation like this ever arose? Would you punish her/him or not?

In your particular situation? No, I would not punish them because they've not broken any rules... They haven't done anything wrong if there wasn't a guideline against it, which from what you said there wasn't. -Heck, you're not even sure how you feel about it yet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: stylish
Also, would you feel like this is polyamorous, cheating or just a little bit of innocent fun?
Thanks for listening and any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Well, it can't be cheating because there was no rule breaking going on. It *might* be polyamorous *if* any of it is meant seriously. It *might* be just innocent fun if that's all that it is meant as.

Those last two are highly situational. You need to communicate with her and find out which it was. Then decide how you feel about what it was and then decide whether to make a new guideline about these sorts of activities.

All you have here is an area of the relationship that you two haven't addressed yet. Now you know you need to so do so. New things come up over the course of a partnering.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to stylish)

Post #: 40

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