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toservez -> RE: My sub is cybering (9/6/2007 7:42:37 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hekaron
Toservez,
I have long long ago given up my belief in simple, one size fits all, solutions to complex individual situations. Without knowledge of the dynamics, history, details and agreements of a long relationship between two rather complex people, I think it is immature to draw such presumptious, absolute conclusions, lacking any kind of relativism.
I was in a relationship that both partners entered as polyamorous individuals. A poly relationship with clear and well discussed agreements, with room for a lady, to join us. Seeing how she thoroughly enjoyed being engulfed in the lifestyle and fetish scene, the shibari, the suspensions, the attention of the crowds, the professional photoshoots, which catered generously to her exhibitionism, I tried to see how far my limits about our definition of polyamory could be stretched to make this possible for her. D/s or not, S/M or not, for me love and a relationship mean doing everything within your possibilities to fulfil the deepest wishes of your partner. For me BDSM should be supportive of a love relationship, not the other way round. It's the way I see it, period, whether it's your piece of cake or not. She sadly confounded the bliss of the experience with the person able to provide it and also confounded polyamory with serial monogamy. I did not enter this discussion to complain, I would like to stress once again, but to make a point about reintroducing romance in a relationship that showed subtle signs of distress. This however is not a thread about my relationship; this thread belongs to the OP, so let's get back on topic. I like to contribute to these boards in a positive way (until now I only wrote under the name of the couple profile we had here for much longer). Posts like yours don't make it more fun for me to be here on the boards. I take offense in your aggressive interpretation of my post and hope other people picked up the more positive intent I tried to express.
And of course it is possible that I used the wrong words. In that case I ask to be excused, I am still grieving ten days after the unexpected and abrupt end of a ten year relationship.
Ron
No need to apologize. I truly was just commenting far less on your actual situation on the original post then making the point that people do not get their hearts stolen by others but do it themselves and unless you lock a person away from human contact and some sort of de facto brain washing, which most of us would call abusive, there is always a risk of losing someone but the problem will not be the person that got your one but your one and your relationship with them. I am sorry I could have used more tact in making my point.
Back to the OP or topic it has spawned…
Topics that hit insecurities in all of us are always interesting to read not really for the actual topic but from how people respond. Cheating and a loved one leaving for another of course are two natural insecurities and I am fascinated how many on here on most all other topics will write in intelligent open minded thought patterns but on this topic, especially with such little information so many reverted to caveman/cavewoman worse case scenario gross generalizations.
In the OP original post the only comment that people focused on was she was sharing fantasies. I could write somewhere today how much I would love to be double teamed by George Clooney and Yun-Fat Chow and most if not all would go oh well that’s nice but who gives a darn. That though was sharing a fantasy. At the same time though if a person wrote to another on the Internet, “I loved receiving your message yesterday and fantasized about you last night do this and this to me and wow did I get turned on. See how you affect me?” most of us are going that is crossing the line. That is the problem with gross generalizations, the fact that most of us who post on this site share intimate information about ourselves in someway so when a blanket cybering is cheating is written, people who write it are being very hypocritical if they truly mean the gross generalization.
Insecurities are often unfairly used as a sign of being unhealthy or weak but the truth is well all have them. They become unhealthy only if we let them control our lives and/or cause damage in our relationships. The ugly truth is that insecurity plays a role in each and every one who is in a significant power exchange relationship. Anyone who truly does not think that as a dominant seeing what a submissive does for you does not play on that level or a submissive seeing what they can do to please and make their dominant happy is also not have a level of insecurity in it are truly living in denial.
So when I read these caveman and cavewoman responses I see insecurity raising its ugly head. Not the unhealthy type as much as natural human behavior. If my Master tonight comes to me and orders me to stop all cyber communication and tells me simply he is bothered by it I would apologize for not noticing, kiss him and never write again. If he asked me to stop cybering because he thinks I am doing something bad to him or in some way puts the blame on me for his insecurity with it, I will still stop without hesitation but we are going to work on that issue of putting unfair standards/blame on me.
Lin
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