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Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 7:06:36 PM

Twice

Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
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I posted something over in the Ask a Sub forum, but I have a bit of an extension to it here... my boyfriend/top/we're not sure yet is new to the Lifestyle (done some bondage before, but nothing heavy and nothing more than topping), but I lapse into such submissiveness sexually that he's had no choice but to start to Dom, and he LOVES it. It's going really, really well, and we're both ecstatically happy. However, his inexperience shows and I don't know if I should prod him along at all since I know what's going on, or just trust him to figure it all out Himself. It's a terribly fine line between being helpful and being pushy. I don't want to cross it, but I'm wondering how far I should stay away from it. If YOU were clueless and had an experienced sub (that you were in a serious relationship with and truly loved, outside of the Lifestyle as well), which would You prefer?

Thanks!

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 7:26:19 PM

arayofsunshine55

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From: San Francisco, CA
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Well I'm all good with asking for what you want. And letting him decide if he wants to give it. And if you're topping/bottoming and not D/sing a bit of prodding is not out of "role".

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 7:28:38 PM

Twice

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See, it's made more awkward because we're kinda flirting between top/bottom and D/s. Every time it errs closer and closer to D/s, however.

It's further complicated by the fact that in normal life (i.e. when we're just hanging out, not doing anything remotely sexual), I have a more commanding, dominant personality and he is REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY submissive. We just... switch drastically in the bedroom.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 8:01:29 PM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
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Having been in this position myself with Aqua, my advice is to give your dom every bit of help and feedback that you can - because if his inexperience is showing so much that you can tell, chances are he's more'n a good bit scared about this side of himself. Be gentle, but be firm - the best lesson Aqua taught me early on was how to swing a flogger and where I shouldn't swing it, which she could do because she knew where she liked being hit with one. You've got the experience here; use that experience to help your dominant grow into the relationship. I can say pretty confidently that you'll both enjoy the results.

V

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 8:29:36 PM

Masternslave07

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Well as you said, your submissiveness in bed forces him to be more dominant. You are actually already leading him. If he is fine with you making suggestions, go for it. The happiness of you both is what is paramount anyway, not what is so called proper protocol.

< Message edited by Masternslave07 -- 9/5/2007 8:30:18 PM >

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 8:39:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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The only way he'll get good experience is if you help create them together. Don't worry about doing it "right"- do what works and is enjoyable for you both. That's more right than anything else.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/5/2007 9:03:52 PM

feastie

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Frank, open, discussion. Maybe find a group that has some organized classes you could take together.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/6/2007 7:41:25 AM

Celeste43

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Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I wouldn't try prodding. I'd try begging instead. "Ooh, I was reading this story about hot wax play and it got me so hot. Could you please do this to me soon, pretty please. I bought the right candles and here's the link that tells you all about it" That allows him to learn about it at his own pace and decide when he's ready and it shows eagerness without demanding.

You also need to talk about this while fully dressed. Stuff like "I've noticed that in bed it's really hot when you take total control but outside of the bedroom I seem to be in charge. Is this working for you?" Because a man who doesn't feel capable of taking charge ever in the other arenas might well be afraid of coming on too strong in this one area.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/6/2007 7:44:40 AM

RRafe

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Try being helpful but not pushy. Track down some resources, make them available to puruse at his own speed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

I posted something over in the Ask a Sub forum, but I have a bit of an extension to it here... my boyfriend/top/we're not sure yet is new to the Lifestyle (done some bondage before, but nothing heavy and nothing more than topping), but I lapse into such submissiveness sexually that he's had no choice but to start to Dom, and he LOVES it. It's going really, really well, and we're both ecstatically happy. However, his inexperience shows and I don't know if I should prod him along at all since I know what's going on, or just trust him to figure it all out Himself. It's a terribly fine line between being helpful and being pushy. I don't want to cross it, but I'm wondering how far I should stay away from it. If YOU were clueless and had an experienced sub (that you were in a serious relationship with and truly loved, outside of the Lifestyle as well), which would You prefer?

Thanks!

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/6/2007 7:51:38 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Twice

I posted something over in the Ask a Sub forum, but I have a bit of an extension to it here... my boyfriend/top/we're not sure yet is new to the Lifestyle (done some bondage before, but nothing heavy and nothing more than topping), but I lapse into such submissiveness sexually that he's had no choice but to start to Dom, and he LOVES it. It's going really, really well, and we're both ecstatically happy. However, his inexperience shows and I don't know if I should prod him along at all since I know what's going on, or just trust him to figure it all out Himself. It's a terribly fine line between being helpful and being pushy. I don't want to cross it, but I'm wondering how far I should stay away from it. If YOU were clueless and had an experienced sub (that you were in a serious relationship with and truly loved, outside of the Lifestyle as well), which would You prefer?

Thanks!

To me... it sounds like you have to put yourself in the position of a sort of a mentor for him to begin with. I know that isn't probably the "subbie feeling" you're looking for. But if you think about the big picture... sooner or later he will take his training wheels off and you can slip in to mentor-free subbie heaven.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/6/2007 8:20:06 AM

toservez

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I do not think it is a fine line or really a pushing problem at all. Like others have written, communicating with him probably is very helpful to him. One of the biggest lesson a new dominant has to learn is that you as a submissive do not think and enjoy things like he does. Sounds like a duh comment but communicating with him it is OK and you want to go further is not pushing but just communicating.

If it helps instead of doing this in a bedroom setting why not talk things over when not in that area so when you guys are doing things were this topic comes up you will both know and maybe be more relaxed about it and the thoughts of pushing or meeting expectations will be less of an issue.

If all other compatibility is there then the easiest thing to get through is the one inexperienced to get experienced. It just takes time and is so well worth it when you have everything else.

I wish you the best. Sounds like a good relationship to me!

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/13/2007 12:44:41 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Ask HIM what he'd prefer. We don't count.

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/13/2007 5:49:03 AM

Jayxkes

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When I first started out, my sub made first contact and then went on to teach me a huge amount. She certainly didn't top from the bottom, but we talked alot and she offered me advice and the benefit of her experience, (she'd been in the 'scene' for 5 or so years).

I was more than happy to listen and learn. Not everything suited me, but I don't recall anything that wasn't useful

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RE: Experienced sub, inexperienced top - 9/17/2007 11:41:21 AM

justinfun

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Joined: 7/18/2007
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This sounds exactly my situation. I am in a Daddy / daughter relationship at 42 with a 21 year old who just so happens to have quite a bit more lifestyle experience than I do. She's extremely subby, so much so that at first I was shocked by some of her desires. She's been helpful in pointing me to things to read, in sharing what she needs/wants, and in sharing past experinces or stories that turn her on. The hardest thing has been having only her to really discuss my learning with. I'd encourage you to play that mentor role but to likewise encourage him to do some reading on his own and to connect to some decent message boards, etc. If I was talking to him I would encourage him to read a lot. The bonus for us is that we've come far enough along now that occaissionally I'll bring something into play that is new to her and have learned to rely less and less on her to grow as a Dom.

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