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Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 5:44:26 AM

fifi

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/5/2004
Status: offline

Hi All,

Just been thinking recently about whether past relationships, be it vanilla, or kinky, play a part in any new relationships in the present and/or future?

I'm not one of these people who can just ignore the past, if it has something to learn from or requires spending some time to try and understand, then I will. Likewise if certain things that happen in your past that you feel may affect any new relationships you form, should you share it with your prospective partner/dom/sub/slave/mistress/domme?

Also where do you stop sharing past experiences? Can too much information be too much for others to handle? Or should others recognise the fact that your willing to share something with them, respect it and understand it?

I feel it can be risky, turn some people of you, or make them judge, even though we will all admit were not like that, it can happen.

Likewise I know many here may have experienced good and bad things in relationships, so has anyone shared this with their kinky partner? and how did it go? how long into the relationship did you tell them?

I hope this makes sense, its all a bit confused in my head too. I guess for me most of my hard limits are the result of past relationships, and I'd like to think everyone is like this, in that case should it be spoken of at the very begining of relationships?

Any views, advice, experiences that anyone is willing to share, would help. Thanks for listening.

Love Fi x

Post #: 1

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 6:00:11 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Hi fifi,

I'm extremely open about my previous relationships. I've found that responses to that tend to come in two flavors; positive responses tend to come from people who really want to know more about me and what make me tick, and negative responses who are more interested in hearing about what I'll do to them, than who I am. I know that some people objectify their partners (perhaps unintentionally) in order to see them more as a concept than as a real person.

Having said that, there's a fine line about talking about previous relationships, and constantly comparing the new partner/relationship with the old one. I regularly reference my last slave, as a point of reference in 'why' or 'what' I like. I never say she did x or y better, or that someone should act more like g did.

What you might want to be asking yourself, though, is why you would want to be involved with someone who didn't really want to know those profound and intimate details about you? If you're not sharing them too early on (say, in the first two hours of meeting) then I'd say that sort of information would be vital.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 2

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 6:54:02 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

Sharing my past experience is not particularly important to me. Learning from it is.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 3

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 7:09:23 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fifi
Just been thinking recently about whether past relationships, be it vanilla, or kinky, play a part in any new relationships in the present and/or future?

I'd be worried if it didn't- our experiences in our lives are SUPPOSED to be forming us into who we are and will become. To have completely avoided being touched in any way just seems psychotic.

quote:

Likewise if certain things that happen in your past that you feel may affect any new relationships you form, should you share it with your prospective partner/dom/sub/slave/mistress/domme?

If they want to know- and most do if you have anything more than a strictly service based relationship.

However, there's a time and a place- you don't spill it all on the first date. But by the third year, I'd think most of it should be on the table.

quote:

Also where do you stop sharing past experiences?

You don't- again it's more a matter of timing and taking it as it comes.

quote:

Can too much information be too much for others to handle?

Yes, and that is THEIR issue to deal with if you are progressing at a fairly normal rate in a mature way.

quote:

Or should others recognise the fact that your willing to share something with them, respect it and understand it?

We're people, very flawed and very fucked up. The IDEAL is for people to respect and understand it- but don't expect people to be ideal. That's why relationships need work and communication. If we were all ideal, you wouldn't even be asking these questions.

quote:

I feel it can be risky, turn some people of you, or make them judge, even though we will all admit were not like that, it can happen.

I would hope we are like that! You are NOT going to turn everyone on. Many people will not find you attractive to them, many people will say you are too much or too little for them in SOME way. This is GOOD, this means we're choosing what works for us and what doesn't. Guess what? You get to do exactly the same thing!

And everyone should be judging you. I'd be really worried if someone wanted to get into a relatiosnhip with me and did NOT use their best judgement in making that decision.

quote:

Likewise I know many here may have experienced good and bad things in relationships, so has anyone shared this with their kinky partner? and how did it go? how long into the relationship did you tell them?

When it what right for us.

quote:

I hope this makes sense, its all a bit confused in my head too. I guess for me most of my hard limits are the result of past relationships, and I'd like to think everyone is like this, in that case should it be spoken of at the very begining of relationships?

It should be discussed as it becomes relevant and necessary.

If you want someone who wants ALL OF YOU- then withholding simply makes them want a false idea of you. If you are scared of being rejected- well I understand the fear, but their rejection of you is not a statement of who you are, but who they are.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 4

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 8:02:47 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

Sharing my past experience is not particularly important to me. Learning from it is.

I agree with this. It is important to me personally to learn from my past and not to bring issues or demand certain behavior to my current one as I do not think that is fair or healthy but certainly all human beings are an ongoing process and our experiences affect and change us always.

When dealing with my Master I do not hide my past but in all honesty there were and still are times that talking about my past relationships I have found importance in trying to communicate who I am and how my brain works. I may volunteer things or he may ask about things and of course vice versa.

In terms of sharing too much information, I have found the topics that this normally applies to that discretion is always best but I have made it a point to at least inform a person I have not been a saint and always enter that area knowing the risk. I will not lie or bring up such information on its own but will express warning signs and sometimes play down things but most of all on my end these things just rarely come up.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 5

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 8:16:10 AM

KiandPhoenix

Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

I am really open about my past. I have a "top 50 questions of things I should not have to ask, but apparently do" list that I go over before I will think about being in a relationship with you. It includes such thins as "If I am having symptoms mimicking a heart attack, and the doctor is waiting with a machine ready for me to get there and see, will you ask me to drive myself so you can take a nap?" and "Will you tell the entirety of the female part of a religious community you sister lives in the details of our sex life, giving tips, and giving me credit for the tips?"

Past relationships play a big role on my side because my ex's don't seam to go away. My most recent long term ex still attends my extended family Christmas, baby-sits for us, has a storage unit with me, and is on the family phone plan.

Phoenix's ex plays a role because they are still divorcing, and there are children involved. We are forced to deal with him.

Knowing my past explains a lot about me. For instance Phoenix loves to touch me now because I spent a year where no one hugged or touched me, and I am a very contact oriented person. I also didn't write or sing because of the criticism of one of my ex's, and Phoenix has made me sing to her a lot, and loves me doing it. Going over that list I mentioned earlier tells a lot of stories like this.

The person we are today is the sum total of our experiences. To understand who we are today, we must understand the past that made us this way.
~Ki

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 6

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 8:20:33 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fifi

Hi All,

Just been thinking recently about whether past relationships, be it vanilla, or kinky, play a part in any new relationships in the present and/or future?

I'm not one of these people who can just ignore the past, if it has something to learn from or requires spending some time to try and understand, then I will. Likewise if certain things that happen in your past that you feel may affect any new relationships you form, should you share it with your prospective partner/dom/sub/slave/mistress/domme?

Also where do you stop sharing past experiences? Can too much information be too much for others to handle? Or should others recognise the fact that your willing to share something with them, respect it and understand it?

I feel it can be risky, turn some people of you, or make them judge, even though we will all admit were not like that, it can happen.

Likewise I know many here may have experienced good and bad things in relationships, so has anyone shared this with their kinky partner? and how did it go? how long into the relationship did you tell them?

I hope this makes sense, its all a bit confused in my head too. I guess for me most of my hard limits are the result of past relationships, and I'd like to think everyone is like this, in that case should it be spoken of at the very begining of relationships?

Any views, advice, experiences that anyone is willing to share, would help. Thanks for listening.

Love Fi x

they say never say anything about your past relationships. they are ghost. WHile they may be apart of you and guide you into what to do. leave them where they are in the past.

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 7

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 8:53:06 AM

phoenixsub999

Posts: 49
Joined: 11/17/2006
Status: offline

It's OK to talk & be open about past relationships & lessons learned, but it's not cool to bring them up too frequently. That can be a sign of not letting go, not forgiving them and them having power over you still.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 8

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 9:02:27 AM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KiandPhoenix
I have a "top 50 questions of things I should not have to ask, but apparently do" list that I go over before I will think about being in a relationship with you. It includes such thins as "If I am having symptoms mimicking a heart attack, and the doctor is waiting with a machine ready for me to get there and see, will you ask me to drive myself so you can take a nap?" and "Will you tell the entirety of the female part of a religious community you sister lives in the details of our sex life, giving tips, and giving me credit for the tips?"

I'll have to add these to my current list of questions.

I've had my fair share of drama-filled relationships, at least partially my fault a few times, and it's shaped who I am today. In some ways good- I learned that even though I'm not really attractive, there is a sub-section of the female population that thinks I am. In some ways bad- I have a lot of trouble trusting anyone, and scan every comment for any possible negative implication.

I tend to be open about this- mainly because I think it's unfair not to let someone know that, thanks to a certain ex, when they say "I went to my grandmothers" I have to ask and make sure there isn't a second part to the sentence that goes "and then had a date with my other boyfriend, who you'll run into in several years at a video store, meet because you had a college class together, and discover you were both dating me at the same time leading to an incredibly awkward moment." Bad example, sure, but that's the general idea. If it's someone I'm seriously considering getting into a relationship with, I tend to let them know what type of insanity they're likely to run into with me, and to ask the questions that previous relationships have told me need to be asked.

So to me, disclosing my past relationships... at least the "major" ones... is pretty important.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to KiandPhoenix)

Post #: 9

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 9:33:11 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Just been thinking recently about whether past relationships, be it vanilla, or kinky, play a part in any new relationships in the present and/or future?

To a degree yes. Some people carry baggage; both the good and the bad; from relationship to relationship.

If I think that something in my past is going to negatively affect any new relationship, then I make sure that I do not get into a new relationship until I can understand why it affects me in such a way. If the issue is not that huge, then I make sure I talk about it with any new partners so that they can understand my moods better.

quote:

Also where do you stop sharing past experiences? Can too much information be too much for others to handle? Or should others recognise the fact that your willing to share something with them, respect it and understand it?

Too much information, too soon, can be a bit much for some to handle. But then there are others who perfer to have everything laid on the table right away. It really depends on the people involved and how the relationship feels to be progressing.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 10

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 9:57:24 AM

treadingwater

Posts: 11
Status: offline

Hello fifi

I think it is important to always remember and learn from the past; the mistakes we have made and the lessons that we have learned all help to shape our future. Such things should be shared with a potential partner; as long as you do not make comparisons ( which is often where many start to go wrong ). How much to share and when can only be determined by how you feel about the direction that the relationship may be progressing in. To hold back something from your past though means that you are not giving the other person the information that they may need at a later date ( to better understand you ).

One does not need to divulge their whole past within the first day of meeting someone; pace it and let it take it’s natural course. When asked questions, answer honestly and don’t try to hold back.

Remember though, it takes time to get to know someone; it does not happen over night, no matter how much information is shared.

I wish you the best

tw

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 11

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 10:05:13 AM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

Sharing my past experience is not particularly important to me. Learning from it is.

Double Ditto!

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 12

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 11:06:24 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

When my Master began training me, he required me to write to him about the details of every past relationship and sexual encounter I have had. I had no problem with this, even though there were things I was not so proud of. At the time I didn't understand the point of it, but I obliged.

He learned a great deal about me from all that I wrote (and it was a lot!). He learned how I handled myself in relationships, what I did when things were going wrong, what I felt made things right, what my sexual experience was and how I felt about it, and and discovered terrible self and relationship depricating patterns I had which I was totally unaware of.

He used that information to help me create who I am today, and to teach me to be healthy in my relationship to him and lose my destructive patterns. He learned where baggage areas were, and where my hot buttons were (the good ones as well as the bad). He had a lot to read and study, and as time wore on, I really came to appreciate the effort he took in getting to know me so he could start off on the best foot in training me as his slave. Had he not done that, there would have been a lot of hit and misses that he otherwise avoided.

The other cool part about it was, while I was ashamed and embarrassed to share some of my past with him, he seemed unaffected by it. He did not think less of me because of it. "It would be highly unfair of me to berate you for things you did before even knowing me." Those were his words in response to my fear. As such, that was the beginning of my growing sense of trust in him. I could share the ugly stuff with him and he did not judge me for it. Instead, he brought me to the good stuff :)

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 13

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 2:21:36 PM

teamnoir

Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline

I believe that the past is the past. It's useful for clue excavation at times, but it's not worth living in.

Today is a new day. You can, I can, we all can make new decisions today. There's no reason that the past needs to be a loadstone.

(in reply to fifi)

Post #: 14

RE: Past, Present, Future.... - 9/6/2007 2:25:52 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: arayofsunshine55

Sharing my past experience is not particularly important to me. Learning from it is.

took the words right out of my mouth *S* Same goes for me.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 15

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