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Karynn -> Ideas and suggestions, please? (9/6/2007 11:20:50 AM)
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Hello everyone,
I'm a very devoted female in a household that might be defined somewhat closely to the Gorean dynamic of FC where the man is leader and patriarch and simply by existence and pledged contract (submissive contract, vows in marriage before witnesses and God) and somewhat closely to mainstream BDSM when one speaks of Master/submissive with a very sincere 24/7 reality that reaches far beyond the bedroom and kink.
I'm also a very physically handicapped female spending about 85% to 90% in bed with little ability to get up, get out, and do a lot of what I used to consider part of my day to day life. I loved to do all the little things like shop at the gourmet market so I could get his favorite brands of foreign beer and wash his clothing and fold/iron it before he even asked on military drill weekends. I was a soccer coach, a soccer referee, a Youth Pastor, a wife, a mother. I still am the latter two, wife and mother. My handicap plus illness has removed so many abilities to get out and play, and laugh and dance.
This weekend, he goes on another deployment. I'm putting on the brave face, smiling and saying the three of us (my teen sons are 17 and 16 and very very helpful) will survive well in his absence. He doesn't have to worry. If we get in over our heads, my father will step in and help. He lives very close and wants to be far more involved than I usually let him. I don't want to take advantage of him either.
In years past, I made a big deal about his departures and returns from military assignments. He's promised in his personal vows to never engage in sexual play with other females without discussing it with me first. As of now, we have yet to include other females, so when he plans on departing and when he returns, one of the ways I want to tend to him is to make sure his sexual needs are met. I know there are tons of needs other than sexual, but I know men and their drive and need to cum remains a constant.
With my medical issues, sexual partying truly has evolved and creative thought has been an element I've had to draw on for ways to meet his needs and not damage myself further. I know that once in the throes of certain things, it's very hard for men or women to just "stop" cold turkey. If he's really aroused and in that head space where everything seems to suspend, time and air and space, and no coherant thoughts pass between us, it's easy to cross that danger line. I know he worries about hurting me, and I worry about the rammifications of after effects. I often don't feel the painful side of things in my own headspace, and on top of that, I'm a masochist, so the painful experiences add to my pleasure for the moment. We worry about the side effects though and how many times I've ended up in the emergency room in pain that is so overwhelming, it is out of control after doing life or living life the way I used to do.
I want to plan something special, nonetheless. I want to continue to be that special girl in his life that makes every effort to tend his needs despite my own pain. I want to tease and please him so badly. I want to make the touch last the weeks he's gone. At this point, his Mastery has become a voice of logic and reckoning, and I think that because ultimately he finds his duty as my keeper to keep me safe and healthy, he puts himself in mental chains so that he doesn't reach that edge and risk damage.
How do I entertain him and please him, in new and fun ways without harming myself or making him worry that after the fact, when he's gone, I'm going to spend his absence healing or worse? Are there suggestions for ideas that might bring delight in a special, soft and yet poignantly dynamic way so that while he's gone, he can reflect back on the special moments, just as we've always done?
Are any of you working with new handicaps and have advice, or living and loving with handicaps you've had all your life? I really seek friendly advice and ideas. I just want to continue to be the girl that sparkles his world, the woman that makes him crazy and the fiery wild thing that always waited eagerly to try new things.
I am a natural masochist with a moderate level of pain=pleasure mentality. I can take mid-level experiments that include some funky wild kinks and some of the more traditional things. Some of those kinky moments are erotic and don't seem to harm or damage me in any way related to my abdominal nerve damage and pain, and in the same moment, they also do not in any way hinder his pleasure. It's just hard to find those creative niches that still fit into our way of life, and don't cross all those new lines.
I hate the concept of telling him no, that hurts. I simply don't tell him. I've had a few dominant friends tell me, "No, karyn, that won't work because your dominant partner must know all the details, and if you hold back information, you're failing in your service to him." It's just so frikken hard to pause, to stop, the hold back.
Please, if you have ideas, and have somehow followed my random request for help, I'd love to read ideas both from the top and bottom members of M/s partnerships.
K
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