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Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 5:44:05 PM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
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I've just had a horrible clusterfuck of a non D/s situation, where lots of things went wrong, not one of which I could control, but I felt totally responsible for everything!

I notice, I hate to suggest movies in case the other person doesn't enjoy it--it is my fault and I feel guilty. Same with restaurants. I feel guilty if I'm on a plane that is delayed and someone else has to wait for me at the airport, like I should have known. I've apologized for the weather when I planned a nice day hiking and the weather went bad, and I really felt honestly bad--as if I could control the weather. But I always feel like I should have known, even if I check the weather reports.

Do other subs have that same over-arching sense of responsibility? How do you deal?

Post #: 1

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 6:04:18 PM

sublezzie

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/21/2007
Status: offline

A wise woman once taught me:

Accept the things you can not change.
Have the courage to change the things you can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That sense of regret can be your greatest teacher. Learn to think prior to acting about all possible outcomes and decide which is the easiest to live with. If your primary goal is to serve another the same is applied. If you need more boundaries on the decision to be made then communicate that need. When the plan is put into action watch the reactions and learn from it so it can be applied to another decision. Live it and learn it but let go of what can not be controlled.

Hope that helps.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 2

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 6:04:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Mostly they just punish and guilt themselves even more.

Though IDEALLY, you laugh at yourself, realize you aren't the center of everyone's world, that the world does not crumble if YOU don't set it aright, and everyone will NOT turn their backs on you if you DO fuck up occasionally.

This is not an easy thing to do- specially if you were raised Jewish or Catholic or any sort of large religious family. I have given up hope that my partner will ever STOP trying to pick up some useless burden he imagines he needs to carry. But I am getting him to lay it down sooner and sooner after he picks it up.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 3

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 6:16:39 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Massively so.

My wife can tell me over and over again that something isn't my fault, and i can know logically that i really couldn't have made a difference in the outcome, but if i had anything to do with the situation, i feel guilty. It sucks.

About the only thing that really seems to help is having a short memory so the little things don't add up... sounds like a joke, but that's really all i've got!

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 4

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 6:35:22 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

This one does.

Its a form of magical thinking and provides an illusion of power over things that are, in principle, out of one's control. Knowing that doesn't really make the guilt go away. It just means I'm guilty of regressive thinking and irrationalism. :)

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 5

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 7:53:42 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kossack

I've just had a horrible clusterfuck of a non D/s situation, where lots of things went wrong, not one of which I could control, but I felt totally responsible for everything!

I notice, I hate to suggest movies in case the other person doesn't enjoy it--it is my fault and I feel guilty. Same with restaurants. I feel guilty if I'm on a plane that is delayed and someone else has to wait for me at the airport, like I should have known. I've apologized for the weather when I planned a nice day hiking and the weather went bad, and I really felt honestly bad--as if I could control the weather. But I always feel like I should have known, even if I check the weather reports.

Do other subs have that same over-arching sense of responsibility? How do you deal?

First off, take the cross off your back and realize you aren't God.

The only thing in this world we can conceivably control is ourselves. Everything else needs to take care of itself or themselves.

If the weather is bad.. Shit happens

If the movie sucks... Oh well atleast you had an idea and gave it a shot.

quit trying to play the Martyr. The reason people always want to take the blame for shit is because they want others to tell them " oh honey it's not your fault, don't worry about it."

It's a passive aggressive form of manipulation. Even if you don't conciously mean it to be.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you are a bad person. It could have manifested for a number of different reasons. Lord only knows what or why. I'm not going to get into the list of what they could or could not be. If it's a behavoir you can not fix on your own, I'm sure a wonderful qualified therapist would be able to help you figure it out.

_____________________________

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(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 6

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 8:11:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I disagree that it's always a passive aggressive ploy to be told it's ok. I DO agree that it's always a self centered semi arrogant perspective.

Sometimes they do it because they were put in the place of the peacekeeper growing up, sometimes they do it because it gives them a sense of control in a world of chaos, sometimes they do it because they really believe that if they don't do it, no one will, or that they are the only ones who can get it "right," sometimes they do it because they get validation.

Whatever it is, they don't do it because they feel secure and happy somewhere inside, that's for sure.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 7

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 8:41:23 PM

freyjasdottir

Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
Status: offline

I am really bad for that, but I know it and try to correct it but it isn't easy. Growing up everything in my house that went wrong was my fault somehow it tends to stick to a person after awhile.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 9:52:37 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

I have orders not to say "I'm sorry" every time something goes wrong so now I feel guilty for something going wrong AND for disobeying an order.

I do a lot of self-talk about how I am NOT God and I can't control everything. I make myself stop and think if I feel an "I'm sorry" coming out of my mouth. As one of my co-workers has said "Why should *you* be sorry about it?" I try to ask myself what control I had in the situation and try to be realistic about only taking on responsibility for things that I can legitimately be responsible for.

It's a slow process, but I'm beginning to do better. I seldom say "I'm sorry" inappropriately where a Dominant can hear!

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
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(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 9

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/6/2007 10:00:06 PM

trulynangel

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

It's a slow process, but I'm beginning to do better. I seldom say "I'm sorry" inappropriately where a Dominant can hear

Yeah i am learning this one myself after a night of "training" as i will call it.....i say those words wayyyyyyyy too much....but....i have always been the "caretaker" type of person that tries to make sure everyone is happy and the world is sunshine and rainbows....

Trust me...i am learning it is out of my control....thanks to the 12 steps of AN.....

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 10

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/7/2007 5:15:25 AM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
quit trying to play the Martyr. The reason people always want to take the blame for shit is because they want others to tell them " oh honey it's not your fault, don't worry about it."

It's a passive aggressive form of manipulation. Even if you don't conciously mean it to be.

Bah. i'm a "fixer" by nature. i see anything goes wrong as a problem that i should solve. If i can't fix it, i'm a failure, even if there's no one else around to see it, much less try to console me. If i *cause* a problem that effects someone else, it's a hundred times worse, even if by "causing" it my only input was making a decision that was perfectly reasonable at the time. i don't want consolation, i want to make things better.

And i want my nickel back.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 11

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/7/2007 6:37:50 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Mostly they just punish and guilt themselves even more.

Though IDEALLY, you laugh at yourself, realize you aren't the center of everyone's world, that the world does not crumble if YOU don't set it aright, and everyone will NOT turn their backs on you if you DO fuck up occasionally.

This is not an easy thing to do- specially if you were raised Jewish or Catholic or any sort of large religious family. I have given up hope that my partner will ever STOP trying to pick up some useless burden he imagines he needs to carry. But I am getting him to lay it down sooner and sooner after he picks it up.

This is exactly how I am. I am working hard to stop believing I am responsible for everything that happens to everyone in my life. It's a very difficult thing that my SO is trying to help me with.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/7/2007 7:10:19 AM

kossack

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for responses--I appreciate y'alls input.

The other thing for me is that, like so many other things, there's intellectual understanding and there is intuitive feeling. Intellectually, I know I'm not responsible for the late airplace. Emotionally, I know that other person is waiting, frustrated, with nothing to do, for me.

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 13

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/7/2007 6:12:34 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Yes, yes and yes. All quite familiar. It depends on who I let down, or who is inconvenienced as to how bad I feel. If it's someone I've just met, tryin to impress or want them to like me, well it's pretty rough. If it's an old friend or family I can laugh it off.

But you know, some people just don't make these situations any easier. They gripe and complain and go on and on about how miserable the experience/activity was and bring it up years afterward. If you grew up with someone like that it might be part of the reason you react that way.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 14

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/7/2007 10:40:35 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublezzie

A wise woman once taught me:

Accept the things you can not change.
Have the courage to change the things you can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

thats the serenity prayer! it was originally written by a german evangelical pastor (or so wikipedia says) not to discredit your wise woman and her teachings but the whole plagerism thing ....

(in reply to sublezzie)

Post #: 15

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/8/2007 5:39:13 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

I say i'm sorry a lot.

Like if Scooter breaks a guitar string i'll say, oh that sucks, i'm sorry.

But i am not apologizing like it was my fault, rather i am sympathizing.

It does make him snappy though because i get comments like don't be sorry you did not break the string.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 16

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/8/2007 8:03:58 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

When things get really fucked up, I try to find the humor in the situation. Many times I will think to myself that in a few days or weeks this is gonna be a very funny story to tell my friends. They love hearing my tales of woe when presented to garner laughter.
Misplaced guilt takes up too much energy and I seldom waste time with it.
To feel responsible for ‘everything’ seems a bit ego-centric to me.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 17

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/8/2007 9:01:25 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twicehappy2x

I say i'm sorry a lot.

Like if Scooter breaks a guitar string i'll say, oh that sucks, i'm sorry.

But i am not apologizing like it was my fault, rather i am sympathizing.

It does make him snappy though because i get comments like don't be sorry you did not break the string.

I do that too. He always says its not my fault and I say I know. I need to think of a better thing to say to show I'm sympathizing I guess.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 18

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/8/2007 10:23:44 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Yeah...guilty...I say I'm sorry about a trillion dozen times a day....LOL.

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(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 19

RE: Responsible for Everything? - 9/8/2007 11:09:25 AM

Cyntilating

Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kossack

I've just had a horrible clusterfuck of a non D/s situation, where lots of things went wrong, not one of which I could control, but I felt totally responsible for everything!

I notice, I hate to suggest movies in case the other person doesn't enjoy it--it is my fault and I feel guilty. Same with restaurants. I feel guilty if I'm on a plane that is delayed and someone else has to wait for me at the airport, like I should have known. I've apologized for the weather when I planned a nice day hiking and the weather went bad, and I really felt honestly bad--as if I could control the weather. But I always feel like I should have known, even if I check the weather reports.

Do other subs have that same over-arching sense of responsibility? How do you deal?

it use to be a running joke in my family and people could "anticipate " me saying " oh, Im sorry" whenever anyone said something sad or unhappy about themselves or something that happened to them... and it was true.....I did it wayyyyy to often but couldnt even seem to stop even when I was made aware of it and wanted to stop..
I felt like I wanted to "fix" everyones hurts and ills...
and I was unable to keep from experiencing/feeling their feelings...

Through many things that happened in my 30s, including some intense personal introspection and counseling...I finally realized that my desire/need to care and help and empathize was OKAY ,but my boundaries were off..and I couldn't fix other people...only person I can change is me... I am not responsible for anyone elses happiness or UNhappiness either> that is only THEIR choice to make. Just like no one else is really able ( or responsible ) for making me happy or unhappy...only I can choose not to be..or to be.

I learned to say more completely " I am sorry you are feeling this way or this is happening to you ....is there something I can do to help ?" rather than "Im sorry" as though my sorrow came from lack of being able to make it better for them..

Feeling responsible for others discomfort because a plane is late < if I am worrying over their feelings and how they are handling it<< I am being unrealistic...I cannot control how they choose to handle that, anymore than I was in control of the plane being late...
Im NOT criticizing you because Ive actually done just that in the past.. which was usually unfounded and THEY were not even upset and meanwhile I was handwringing thinking they were so unsettled by it all...
But then again, I use to try to control most everything around me too..out of fear, not pre-disposition or preference .
fear of others emotions....or anger
fear of unknown and loss
fear of losing control of myself and my life.. ( imagine that )

I have a friend who's wife is very negative...
He says about her > " she takes a red traffic light personally"
she feels everything IS about her..and meant to keep her from being happy..being her true self......
infact they give her excuses not to be...playing the victim in her life > works for her....she doesnt have to try to be happy or fulfilled because allll these negative things keep happening TO HER that keep her from being..

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to kossack)

Post #: 20

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